Original subtitles

And so, I've been appointed to the fundraising committee at the Children's

Hospital. Wow.

Hey, you're really being a good person. Yeah. I don't get it.

Look, we are proud of you, all right? You let us know what we can do to help.

Okay. Actually, um, I'm organizing a charity bachelor's auction.

Oh, home available anytime.

All right.

After that thing.

Park, please. I just need three more guys.

Absolutely not. I know how these things work, okay? A bunch of lonely, desperate

widows slobbering all over you.

Pete? Yeah, sounds good.

Who is it?

Irene!

It's Irene.

Hi. Hi.

Where's Pete?

Oh, he's not here. Oh, I thought I heard his voice.

Well, when Cher and I, we answer together, sounds like Pete.

Well, hey, do you think... It'd be all right if I borrowed some of Pete's

clothes to sleep in.

No.

No, I'm asking.

Irene, I've got your cat.

I found the rascal in my plant. Oh, no, no, no, no. He's just a little cutie.

Well, thank you.

Oh, you're just a little cutie.

And she's just a little creepy.

No, Ashley has been really nice lately. Ever since she got a new boyfriend.

Ooh, Ashley has a new boyfriend?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who is he?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, well, just one of Pete's docs for your trouble.

Jared,

how many weddings have you been in? There's like five bridesmaids dressed as

here. Everything's gotta go.

You sure?

What if butt ugly comes back into style?

Hey, you know what? I just don't... I don't need any of this stuff anymore. I

cleansing myself of the old materialistic me.

Yeah, and while she's cleansing, I'm making out like a bandit.

Hey, Johnny.

You know what? This thing doesn't work. I want my money back.

Sorry, Pete. All sales final. But, Johnny, I asked you... But? Nothing.

Hey, you're the one who wouldn't buy the extended warranty for 50 cents.

But, no, Johnny, it's not fair. You know what? At least throw in that fishing

pole. The fishing pole.

You're selling my fishing pole?

Baby, we agreed. We're changing our lives.

No, I'm not changing. You're changing. I was already good.

You don't need this.

You haven't been fishing for months.

I went last weekend.

Yes, and you were gone all day.

This is mine. It goes back in the closet with my tackle box.

Hey, is a tackle box something that's kind of square and smelly that you can

sell quick for about seven bucks?

Yeah.

Yeah, try getting groceries in it.

Wait, wait, hold on. That's Ashley and a new boyfriend.

Oh, look at me. I have so much money. What a loser.

Of course he is. Who else would date Ashley?

Thanks. I had fun.

Hey, Pete. God, isn't it a beautiful day?

I don't know. Why don't you go away and I'll find out.

You are so funny.

I hear you got a new boyfriend, huh?

Oh, yeah. You might remember him. He was, um, entertaining kids in

Oh, the fat clown. Congratulations.

No, the, um, other one.

Nomar Garciaparo?

Huh. Who would have thought there were two Nomar Garciaparos in the world?

Well, one's the famous baseball player and the other one's not too picky.

God, you're dating Nomar Garcia -Parr? Did you hear that?

Well, it's hard not to when you squeal like a little schoolgirl.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what this means? It means we get to hang out with Nomar and he'll

give us box seats. And what's the cutoff age for Batboys?

Ashley.

Oh, my God. It's him. It's him.

I almost forgot your purse. Oh, thanks, Naomi.

So, hey, this is Pete, and this is Berg.

Berg?

That's a funny name.

Thank you for getting me this orderly gig.

You're welcome.

So how long do I have to work here before they make me a doctor?

Well, uh... Well, it's a seniority system.

But I'll tell you, the next doctor that dies, you're in.

Cool.

Hey!

Whoa, Ash, where are you going? It's the middle of our shift.

Oh, well, they're letting me off early.

But we're swamped today.

Oh, I know. I feel bad, but Nomar's getting his ESPY award, so the other

agreed to cover for me.

Nomar? ESPY award?

Berg, did you hear that?

Your old Betty's going out with a baseball stud.

Yes, I've heard.

Man, that guy's a star.

Oh, you really traded up.

Thank you, germ.

I mean, look, you dumped her, and now your ex -Betty is the Queen Betty.

She's the leader of all Bettys in the free world.

Are you going to let him call you a Betty?

Yeah, well, it would bother me if I weren't the Queen Betty.

Oh, man, she's funny.

to take me shopping for my birthday.

Oh, oh, my God.

Where did you get these beautifully colored dresses?

Oh, are they for sale? Or are they just for show?

No, no, no, no, no. They're for sale. Really? Oh, then I'm the lucky

at the end of this beautiful rainbow.

Guess I better take them all. How much?

Uh, five.

Hundred? Five hundred. You said it, five hundred.

You want to just write me a check? Oh, no, I don't believe in banks. They get

robbed all the time. I hide all my money in my jewelry box.

Oh, hi, Berg.

Look at these pretty dresses I bought. It's like I was practically in the

weddings.

You are too sad.

Oh, you tease.

Oh, God, what's with you?

Nothing. It's Ashley's new...

boyfriend and everything. Everyone thinks he's so great because he's a

player. No, you know, he's a really great guy.

How would you know?

Well, we all went out to dinner the other night and he paid for everything.

Big hit with Johnny.

And he was great with those kids in the hospital.

Oh, really? Did he heal them? Because that's what I do.

Yeah, of course.

Because what you do is much more important than what he does. Yes, that's

I've been saying. Uh -huh.

That's why you're the Perfect guy to fill the last slot in the bachelor

No, I'm not going to be doing the auction, okay?

I'll give you a chance to compete with Nomar. Nomar's going to be in it?

That's right.

And he's going to be on your home turf.

You know that everyone at the hospital loves me.

Yes, they do.

But, you know, I guess I'll just have to settle for Nomar.

Hold it.

Sharon, don't you think I know what you're trying to do?

You're protecting your new friend, Nomar. Well, if it didn't work, count me

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two days to get a butt.

Man, I've sold all sorts of crap today.

Pete, all eyes are on you.

Because you're standing next to me.

I'll catch up with you in a sec. All right? Okay.

Hey, Donnelly!

I got a present for you. What's that?

This is toast from my new toaster.

But look, look.

It's not crispy.

It's not crunchy.

You know, it's not even golden brown. Well, look.

toast. It's bread.

You sold me a breader.

Oh, thank God. I was afraid you weren't coming. Where have you been?

Sorry, Sheriff. Passed a mirror on the way over.

You do look great. Yeah, you are looking at the guy who's going to bring in more

money than any other bachelor.

Yeah. Bert, you know how I told you that people would pay more for you than for

Nomar? Well, that in the charity business is known as a lie.

You see, that's where you're wrong, my friend. I own this place.

Watch.

Sharon, aren't you going to introduce me to these lovely ladies?

Oh, oh, this is Mrs. Elliott.

She's one of the hospital's biggest benefactors. Hi, Dr.

Michael Bergen. The May to your December.

That is so charming.

Too bad this isn't a bachelorette auction because I would be bidding on

Foxy.

Are you willing to take a turn?

Show me the money.

I'll see you on the auction block.

Wear your bifocals.

You can count on that.

Oh, my God.

That's no more.

Oh, give me a push and I'll touch his buns.

You sold me a broken toaster.

So do something about it.

Fine, I will fix it.

Wait a minute. Can you believe that guy? Look at him hogging the spotlight.

Yeah, I know. It pickens me when a sports hero takes time out of his busy

schedule to raise money for kids.

No, no, no, no, no. He's just here for the publicity.

You know, I'm here so the kids can get their new... pony?

It's to build a new children's wing.

Well, we're not going to let the pony run wild.

How about I buy my two buddies a couple of drinks, huh?

Yeah, could you send mine over there? I'm going to go say hi to Nomar.

Okay, well, I guess it's just you and me, Pete.

Okay, go. Thanks.

Bartender?

Yes, sir. What's your poison?

What are you doing here?

Oh, just doing my part for charity.

Pouring a little booze for the kids.

Pour me a double.

Come on, you got to get over this no more thing. He's just a man.

He takes a fastball in the temple. He's just like you and me.

Oh, and here I was getting all down on myself. The drink now.

I got just the thing. I invented it myself.

It's called the germinator.

What's in it?

I can't tell you, but it cleans when it flushes.

So you agree with me, right? It doesn't matter that Sharon sold Johnny's tackle

box. He should give me my money, right? Okay, okay, okay.

Deal is a deal. All right, Nomar, if you have a bad season, do you give the

owners their money back?

That's a tough one.

But which answer will make you guys leave?

Sorry, sorry, sorry, Nomar. Here you go. Oh, gosh.

You guys knock it off?

We're here to help sick children.

Let's just try to be a little more charitable.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Naomi.

Now remember, baby, no matter who buys you, you're coming home to me.

Yeah.

And no more. Listen, I live right downstairs, so stop by and play some

stickball.

Oh, Ash, you know what? I have a dress that's just like that.

Not anymore.

You sold Ashley my dress?

I had to. We were all out of tackle boxes.

Germ? I can't feel my lips.

You're in stage one, baby.

Hey, you.

Just wanted to wish you good luck tonight.

You're wishing the wrong guy luck.

How many of those have you had?

I don't know.

Apparently the germinator attacks the central nervous system.

Entering stage two.

Well, I'm going to a coat shack. Call me if you need medical attention.

But I cannot get over how great you look. Oh, thank you.

She's got some nerve selling her my dress.

You're reaching the wrong guy, Luck.

He reminds me of my grandson.

And your grandson's a backstabbing liar.

You're wishing the wrong guy luck.

evening at my place.

Candlelight. Music.

Soft food.

500?

600. Burke, you can't bid on yourself.

like a bite of this green apple.

Huh? Huh?

Is that the humor? Normally very attractive in a guy?

Now do I hear 400?

250?

Anything?

Look, look, people, let's remember why we're here, okay? It's a charity, and a

charity...

county fair.

And I know that a lot of you don't think I'm worth spit.

But I beg to differ.

I'll have you know that I'm worth tons of spit.

There.

That'll teach you.

$100. Tom!

Thank you, sir.

Hey, Bert.

Will you take me for a ride in your car?

Sure. Sure, tomorrow. After I play stickball with Pete.

After the auction.

Well, if you won't talk to me, I'm not paying.

He's behind the bar.

Sharon, Irene is not back here. There you are!

Oh, goody. Well, come on, Pete.

I want to drive up and see my parents.

They keep asking when they're going to meet you.

How sick are these children?

I guess we'll see you Saturday, then.

You did a great job tonight, Sharon.

Thank you. We raised a lot of money, and it's the first time in a long time that

I actually feel good about myself.

Well, I just want to apologize for my behavior.

It's okay, Bart.

Deep in my heart you're gonna find somebody that's just perfect for you.

we'll see how Saturday goes

In front!