Original subtitles

Okay, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Eighty -five dollars for a

sweater. Sweater? What sweater?

Oh, right, I bought that for you.

From YouGoGal .com?

Johnny, it's a stupid sweater. Get over it. I don't even wear it.

I just met the most charming man on the train.

He was standing very close to me. The smell of gin and Polish sausage was

invigorating. And just about the time he started accidentally rubbing up against

me, I knew I had to have him. I was just about to shout, spend the rest of your

life with me, when a policeman got on the train and scared him away. Damn the

lock.

Well, Ashley, we have some great news.

Oh, yeah. Just when you thought it couldn't happen, Johnny got cheaper.

Okay, that's not quite it.

We can't afford this place on my salary, so we've been given a great opportunity

to live rent -free. In the basement.

Isn't that exciting?

You know the basement, don't you? The floor just above hell?

Why is it rent -free?

Because we're going to be the new building superintendents.

Oh, well, you know what? I don't mind us living in the basement.

Oh, Ashley, that is so nice.

Tell her why that won't work, honey.

Well, you see, it's only a studio apartment, so there's not going to be

room for you.

See, Sharon still hasn't found a job, and she's working through this difficult

period by shopping.

Oh, great.

What am I going to do? Now I only have a month to find an apartment.

Actually, it has to be this weekend. Otherwise, they're going to give the

super's job to someone else, and we'll lose the basement.

Yeah, and we couldn't have that. You know how we love to look out the window

ankle watch.

I just said, look, as long as we have them open, let's take out a kidney.

Big laugh.

You know, there's a rumor going around the hospital that you and Ashley have

broken up.

That's not so much a rumor as it is a flyer I had printed out with Kinko's.

Well, I thought maybe I could give you my number and we could go out sometime.

Oh, I don't know. You know, we're from such different worlds. You know, me

a man, you being a woman.

Oh, what the hell? Let him judge us.

Ashley still lives here.

Oh, yeah, but she lives with different people now.

Hi, Berg.

Hi. Gosh, is it Wednesday already?

He always brings a nurse home on Wednesdays. He's so predictable.

Don't listen to her. I hate her. I hate you. You love her.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

So I have a real feeling about us.

Okay. Are you nuts? I've been trying to get her number for days. How dare you?

Don't you know that after you break up with someone, you are supposed to wait

days before trolling around for new phone numbers?

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that in the April issue of Sassy?

Because I didn't get that one.

Oh, thank you, Burke. Thank you for making it that much easier for me to get

over you.

Oh.

You two snow leopards.

You better get inside before you catch cold. That'd be a bad way to start the

new millennium.

I mean millennium.

It's not a hard word to say. It's like simonin.

Oh, Jesus, Whistler's up on it again.

Okay, well run along, little person.

Okay. Okay.

help me put together my brand new kitty hotel.

Who'd you come up with?

You, you goose on the loose.

You know what? I can't. Irene, I'm allergic to cats.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why don't you just read me the instructions from the hall?

Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. But you know what? I'm dyslexic.

I made rock candy. And I have adult diabetes.

Are you trying to avoid me?

No, no, no, no. You couldn't be further from the truth.

Baby Ruth.

Oh, Pete, you're playing.

Here are the instructions.

I'll call you and you can just describe the pictures to me. Okay, all right.

I'll be waiting for your call.

At O'Malley's.

But we're broken up.

Must it be nurse? Never say no.

For God's sake, you just answered your own question.

Hey, Ashley.

Drop dead. Thank you very much.

She came outside while I was getting a nurse's phone number and then starts

throwing around some bogus post -dating rule.

What, the 21 -day waiting period?

Is there some breakup newsletter I'm not getting?

If you're looking for Pete Dunville, he's not home.

Well, at least he's not answering his phone.

That's all right, lady. I just got a package for him.

Say no more, delivery man.

I'll hold it here until he has to come get it. Don't you worry.

I didn't worry when I dropped it in the bottle. You think I'm going to worry

now?

All right, Irene.

You got a little package there?

No.

Okay, well, good luck with that.

Hey, Irene.

There's a head in that box, I'm telling.

There's no way all this stuff is going to fit into that studio apartment.

Sharon, don't be so negative.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be negative.

And then I remembered that I'm going to be living in a basement with a janitor!

Okay, you know what?

Everyone laughs until one of us makes it. Like Schneider.

Hey, guys. Ashley here. She's in her bedroom.

Hey, Berg, we're trying to get rid of some stuff. You want to buy a toaster?

I have a toaster.

Yes, and to be honest with you, I've never been that impressed with it.

This baby's a four -slicer.

Gee, I don't know. I do entertain a lot, and my guests often ask for four pieces

of toast.

But no, better not. Don't want to seem showy.

Hey, Berg.

Nice to see you.

No, I don't mean that. I thought I could say it with a straight face.

Listen, Ashley, look, I've given what you said about dating a lot of

consideration.

And I've decided I'm completely right.

Just thought you should know before you move.

Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but I'm not moving.

What? Well, you're not. Nope. I talked to the building owner, and he has agreed

to let me sublet the apartment.

So, as always, Berg.

You will be beneath me.

Sharon, would you please go get my box from Irene?

I am living in a basement!

Johnny, please.

My dad told me never to mess with another man's stalker.

I can't go near her. She always takes it the wrong way. Last week, I held the

door open for her. She named three of her cats after me. Pete, Petey, and

You know what? Let's be honest.

Look, she wants me.

Damn this Ricky Martin face.

I'll get the package. You will?

Thank you. Whoa, whoa, Berg, Berg. We're just about to take all this stuff

downstairs. And my friend's without a package.

I take lots of pills, though.

Yeah.

I figured.

Listen, I really need to get that package for Pete.

Bum Bum, get down!

Can you believe him? I built him a hotel, and all he wants to do is hang

the curtains.

He's probably just trying to signal outside for help.

Anyway, the package?

Oh, no can do, six foot two.

Delivery man said to only give it to Pete.

And you're not Pete, are you?

Mr.

Jeevers, no! Get off her!

Honestly, he's insatiable.

Ron. Just Ron.

Well, I tried, but it's behind the concierge desk at the Kitty Hotel.

Hey, Ash, what's going on?

I am moving into my new apartment.

I just got all my stuff out of storage.

Apparently you stored him next to your ab roller.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop the move. Put everything back.

What? I was packing your files, and I found this bank statement.

You got $23 ,000 in a mutual fund.

Sharon, that's my life savings.

Yeah? And it's saving our lives. We're staying upstairs.

No, we're not, Sharon. We're moving downstairs.

Yeah, but baby, our room's still available.

Ooh, actually, it's not.

Victor's not only helping me move, he's also my new roommate.

Aloha, neighbors.

Her roommate?

Is she the size of that guy?

I bet he can get my package from Irene.

Ashley? I mean, why don't I just move a supermodel into my apartment?

I think the answer to that question would only hurt your feelings.

Um, could you guys excuse us, please? I'm gonna kill Johnny, and I don't want

any witnesses.

You know what?

I'm gonna go up, and I'm gonna talk to Ashley, and if Victor has a problem, I'm

gonna... What are you gonna do?

Hey, you don't think I'm gonna have a problem, do you?

I can't believe you. We have $23 ,000, and we're moving here.

Come on, this is great. Look at this. Hey.

Huh? We got a Murphy bed.

There's the bathroom.

Wow, this is great. Oh, and look at the toilet. It's like a little patio

fountain.

Sharon, we agreed to live down here.

Yeah, but that was before I found your file marked. I'm rich.

But that money... But what?

For the last six months, I've been paying the bills in our apartment. Okay,

wanted to help, but you wouldn't let me. You didn't need to because I was making

a lot of money, and now I'm not. And you have the money, so why won't you pay?

Look, I've been saving that money my entire life. That is my nest egg. Yes,

you save it so you have it when you need it, like now. No, we don't need it now.

We have a place to stay.

That's wonderful, Victor.

Oh, you know, my old boyfriend used to give me massages, but I could barely

them. He was so weak and scrawny.

Oh,

hello, fellas.

I think you know my new roommate, professional masseur Victor, soother of

muscles.

Hi, Michael Bergen, doctor of medicine.

Hi.

Pete Dunville, seller of makeup.

packaged downstairs. It might be from my mom or it could be a prize. I enter a

lot of contests. Not now.

Ashley, can I have a moment alone with you, please?

Oh, Berg, you can say anything in front of Victor. Okay, fine. Look, you're

letting a guy who looks like that and by that, I mean average move

into your apartment and rub you?

Is this about me? No, Victor.

You're not my boyfriend anymore, Berg.

I think somebody's forgetting the 21 -day rule.

I'm not dating Victor. It's perfectly legitimate.

Oh, God, yes.

You know,

it's been nothing but trouble around here since Victor moved in.

I think this is about me. No, Victor, this is not about you. The world does

revolve around Victor.

First, what I did was no worse than you dating every chippy in a white dress.

She was only giving me her phone number.

There's... Too much tension here, and I should know I'm in the tension business.

Ashley, this isn't going to work for me. I can't be a roommate.

And you?

You're lucky I'm a healer.

Well, thanks a lot, Berg.

Now not only did I lose my new roommate, but I also lost the guy who was going

to move my stuff.

I'm so sorry for you, Ashley.

Yeah, sorry for you, Ashley.

As long as you're not busy, you mind bringing up the rest of my furniture?

No, no way, Ashley. You know what? You may be able to manipulate Berg, but not

me. I'll get your package from Irene.

I'll start with the dishes.

Oh, hi, Ashley.

All right, listen up, freak.

I want Pete's package.

Hey, I'm not afraid of you.

Well, maybe your cats are.

Okay, here's the deal. For every day that Pete doesn't have his package, you

lose one cat.

Is that cat wearing a bathing suit?

Sharon, here.

Yes, and she has locked herself in Victor's bedroom.

It's my bedroom!

Sharon, come out. You can't stay here. We live downstairs now.

Sharon!

I'm not leaving. I hate it down there.

It's moldy and dark and depressing.

If we have the money, why can't we live here?

Because I want a house!

You know, I want us and our kids to have some security.

A future where we're not dying to make our bills every month like we are now.

Like my folks had to.

So if it means living in a basement and being a janitor in the present, you

know, so be it.

It may not be good enough for you, but it sure is for me.

So if you'll excuse me.

Go grab my squeegee.

A dog peed on our window, and I will not live like that.

She's all yours.

Pete, will you watch where you're going?

Hey, is there any reason that I'm the only one not moving, yet I'm the only

moving?

All right.

That is the last box.

I want my package, Ashley.

And I want my mattress, Pete.

Hmm, what will we do?

Forget it. I'm not your puppet. Fine, if you don't want your prize.

Is it a prize?

What did you hear?

I hear the pitter -patter of your little feet bringing my mattress upstairs.

Could you at least get the door?

Oh, shit, buddy.

Oh, we're totally going to feel that tomorrow.

Get out of my way.

I'm sensing a little tension here. But then again, what would I know? I'm not

the tension business.

Until I find a new roommate, you are paying half my rent.

Fine. Until I find a new date, you're paying for half of my... cable.

scared Victor off just to get back at me for that nurse. That's right. I knew I

had a reason. Oh, well, congratulations.

Now I'm miserable.

Is that what you wanted?

Yes. Actually, I'd like you to be every bit as miserable as I am. Oh, wait.

You're miserable?

Yes. Just like you. Oh. Well, I was. But now that I know you're miserable, I'm

happy.

Well, I'm happy that you're happy, so that must make you pretty damn

So, ha!

I win.

I am so miserable.

I am so happy.

Look, I found it.

And now I'm going to open it.

Who wants a membership to the Fruit of the Month Club?

Apricots, grapes, mangoes, and more.

My way to say thank you for holding the door.

Love, Irene.

Fruits from a nut. It's kind of clever.

Like the best fort I ever had.

Hi.

Hi.

Thought about what you said?

You know that house you want to buy?

I want to live there with you.

So if it means living like a couple of bats in a cave in New Mexico, then

I'm all for it.

Terrific. Of course, I've never lived in squalor.

So I'm sure I'll resent it, and consequently, you're going to have to

thousand small ways.

Not unexpected.

And every time I'm losing an argument, I'm going to have to throw the basement

back in your face.

When was the last time you lost an argument?

So you're going to stay?

Yeah.

Now let's go.

Where? I'm taking you out to a lobster dinner.

Ooh, sounds kind of pricey. Well, I love you.

And you can't have an appetizer.

Irene, I just wanted to say thank you for the fruit. You really shouldn't

Oh, goody. What'd you get first?

Um, apricots.

Apricots, yay!

Mr. Bumpy said it would be apricots.

Do you want to come in? I was just about to give him his bath.

That doesn't mean you lick him, does it, Irene?

No, silly.

Well, no, maybe some other time, but thanks again. Oh, no, it was my

Oh, Mr. Jeebers, for the last time!

She is a...