Original subtitles

Homeless guy?

Do you mind rummaging a little later? I'm just trying to get some sleep.

Okay, thank you very much.

Happy Thanksgiving.

How was my nice comfy bed?

It was wonderful.

How was the couch? A little lumpy.

Well, listen.

Thanks for breaking in my nephew's baseball mitt.

I had a dream Cal Ripken was cupping my tenders. Listen.

How's the apartment up? Anything I can help you out with?

Nope. Because it will.

Just tell me what's holding you up.

Is it a money issue? Do you need boxes?

Packing tape? Why won't you leave?

Well, congratulations, Berg.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving right now.

But I'll be right back.

I break up with her, and yet she stays.

I tell her it's over, and yet she's here.

Pete, why won't she leave?

That's as hard to answer as why you went out with her in the first place.

Hi, Pete.

You're wearing all black. It's Thanksgiving.

Where are your drumstick earrings?

Oh, God, somebody didn't die, did they?

the emptiness of my soul.

On a day when I normally give thanks for all I have, I have nothing and no one

to share it with.

See, Pete, I've lost my smile.

The black is very slimming.

Okay, then, I guess just happy Thanksgiving. Okay, you too.

Oh, and hey, good luck finding that smile.

I can't listen to her cry.

No.

Hey, maybe we should turn on the stereo.

It ran out so fast, I didn't have a chance to invite you to Thanksgiving

I don't want your pity.

You sure?

Okay, just let me get my purse.

Okay, but we'll bill you later.

No, silly. My mom always told me to carry a purse, or people will think

boy.

Your mom sounds great.

So listen, I'll just, I'll tell Bert.

I mean...

You?

It's Chet.

Right, right, right. Yeah, I just, I didn't recognize you, you know, indoors.

Hey, Berg.

Ashley, um, are you aware that the man who pees in our flower planter is

standing right behind you?

All part of the circle of life.

Chet. Hi, uh, here you go.

So, Burke, I've invited Chet to our place for dinner.

What? How could you do that?

Well, we could have gone to his place, but somebody parked on it.

Burke, I invited Irene to dinner.

Oh, standing.

That's just great, guys. You know, hey, maybe Sharon will invite the guy from

the bus stop who keeps trying to show me his extra nipple.

At his loss, it's quite a nipple.

Make yourself at home. I was just going to sit down and watch some football.

Oh, great. So was I. I got a lot of money on this.

Cowboys are going to win.

Really? I give you so sure.

Pete, come on. Think about it. Who would win in a fight between a dolphin and a

cowboy?

I mean, dolphins have fins.

Cowboys have guns.

I guess that's why the Browns never win.

Hey, everybody.

Food is here.

Yes. Wait till you try Johnny's Jell -O Surprise.

Surprise! It's just Jell -O.

Hey, honey, until you find another job, we can't be throwing our money away on

frivolous things.

Baby, it's Thanksgiving, a time for generosity, for digging a little deeper.

What's the bum doing here?

We prefer hobo.

That's just a bit of homeless humor, Sharon.

How did you know my name? You might not notice me, but I notice you guys. I

mean, I know about everything that goes on around here.

It's a lot easier to keep your ear to the ground if you actually have your ear

to the ground.

Speaking of which, you've got a little gum in your sideburns.

You know, you've been a little tense lately.

You lose your job?

How did you know that?

From your trash.

I mean, you've circled the want ads.

You've increased your ice cream consumption.

Oh, and I found that letter from your mom saying, sorry, you lost your job.

Do me. Do me. All right.

Judging from the amount of your hair in the trash and your father's comb over,

I'd say somebody's fighting a losing battle.

Okay. Do someone else.

Oh, thank you, Chad.

Oh, no. Damn cowboys.

What's that?

Oh, it's my good luck charm. It'll help turn this game around.

What happened to its leg?

Well, they missed four field goals last week.

When he learns to kick straight, he'll get his leg back.

Hey, that turkey smells good.

Yeah.

Actually, it's just a really big chicken.

What a day to skip breakfast.

Let me let you in on a little secret, Berg.

All products are the same.

You're only paying for the packaging.

So you've just been conditioned to believe that wine from a bottle is

than wine from a box.

You know, I think you're supposed to let this breathe.

Pete, give it a kiss.

How about a hug?

No,

Pete, come on and start down. Kiss it. Kiss it quick. No!

Look what I found hanging in the bathroom. Hey.

Hey, that's my suit.

I was teaming up with Wrinkle.

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

Ashley, you just invited Chet here to get back at me. No, I invited him here

because it's Thanksgiving.

Ashley, this whole thing is getting old.

Oh, not for me.

Hey, um, why won't you leave?

I mean, that's what normal couples do when they break up.

But not you.

You stay.

Why won't you leave?

What do you want me to do, Berg?

Leave!

Oh, boy, that makes me feel much better.

Women. Women, women, women, women.

You know, I used to make a pretty good living when I was a stockbroker until my

wife just spent me right into the poorhouse.

Of course, I don't have to tell you, do I?

You mean Sharon?

She doesn't spend that much.

The Gucci garment bags alone kept me warm during the whole winter.

Hey, come on. I'll talk to her, all right? I mean, maybe she can learn from

mistakes.

Thanks, hobo.

We'll help people for food.

I think you're a little hard on Ashley. I know.

I hate this.

I hate looking bad.

I'm just saying, you know, maybe she tried being nice to her. I mean, look at

Irene. All she needed was a friend.

Oh, kiss the doll, Pete, quick. Would you get that thing out of my face?

No, no, you moved. You moved off the lucky spot.

What are you talking about?

The spot where you were sitting when the cowboys were driving. You got up. They

fumbled. Okay, all right. That's it. You know what? I felt bad for you. And I

thought that maybe, maybe we could sit in here and have a normal time and watch

the game. And instead, you had me kissing the doll's lucky spot.

Pete, every time you wave your arms, they get sad.

Irene!

Enough!

I'll kiss your doll.

I don't know why I'm so nice to her.

I know why I'm nice to her.

She's got a gun in her purse.

No, come on. I know she's a little odd, but... Nothing in her trash. Cat food

and shell casings.

She doesn't have a lot of cats.

Trust me, that wingnut is two months away from being my neighbor.

She was about ready to crack.

You should have seen her this morning. She was depressed and crying.

And she insisted on getting her purse.

You certainly have nothing to worry about.

I mean, you've been such a sweetheart to her.

I gotta go.

So, I think the way to solve all our problems is to have Ashley move into our

spare room.

No way. That's where I keep my weights. Oh, come on. She's going through a lot

right now. I don't know.

Popo Chat said she could pay a third of the rent. Let's move her in after we

eat.

Johnny tells me you've got woman problems.

I really don't think that's any of your business.

I understand. Tough situation.

So, when is Ashley due?

Uh, Ashley's not pregnant. There was a pregnancy test in the garbage.

Everything came up baby.

Well, you can't be sure that's Ashley.

I hear Mrs. Abernathy's dog's gonna have puppies.

You're probably right.

But then why is Ashley still living here?

I've been asking myself that same question.

Could it be that she wants to be near the baby's father?

What is that called?

Nesting?

Oh, my God, what am I going to do?

I don't know about you, but I'm going to lick that turkey again.

Irene, I'll be right back.

Look, I'm still on the lucky spot.

Okay, Bert, we have a situation. I've got my own stuff going on. Irene has a

in her purse, and I'm afraid she's going to use it if she gets upset.

Ashley's pregnant. Oh, my God.

Kind of puts you to a game. You're having me perspective, doesn't it?

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

The hobo told me.

What are you going to do?

I don't know. All I know is we had sex and now she's pregnant.

Well, at least the worst part is over.

I don't know if I'm ready to be a father. I mean, I can barely cut my own

Don't be ridiculous.

You're going to be a terrific father.

You think?

You're going to be a great dad. You know, if you could ever get over your

of the mother.

So, you know, we were just... So, anyway...

Sharon and I were thinking it would just be easier if you moved upstairs with

us.

Really? Yeah. I mean, what kind of friends would we be if we didn't help

back on your feet?

Oh, gosh, that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me.

At 350 a month, not including utilities.

Thanks, Johnny.

I'll have to think about it.

325.

It's really not about the money. Okay.

Then it's 350.

Too happy.

What do you mean?

Because he's a man and she's a woman on the rebound.

The rest, nature's special.

Johnny would never do that, and Ashley's a good friend.

You're right.

I don't even know what I was thinking.

You're a lover and you're best friend.

That never happens.

Hey, let me give you a hand. No, it's okay. I can handle it. No, no, I got it.

got a good, good luck.

How are you doing?

I'm fine. But I'll feel much better after I've eaten.

Listen to your body.

It knows what it needs.

Doesn't that look like a baby's butt?

I love baby's butts.

Okay, what is wrong with you?

Nothing. Do you know you're glowing?

Do you know that you make my skin crawl?

And your ankles swell.

Why won't you tell me about the baby?

Let me talk to her. I think she'll listen to me.

You're right. Maybe coming from someone she respects.

I don't want Ashley moving in with that.

But you just told me to ask her.

And this is the one time you decide to listen to me?

I need your help. Not now. Carry on.

I can't believe I ever got together with that moron. Come on, sugar.

Can't fool me. You're still hung up on the guy. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I'm totally over him.

You just squirt all you want.

Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do.

You have to open up to Berg.

You have to tell him how much that he hurt you.

Until you admit it, you can't get past it.

gonna throw that back in my face.

Hey, come on. Give Berg a shot.

If you let down your walls, I think you're gonna see a side of Berg that

never seen.

God.

Why couldn't I meet a guy like you?

Only with a job and an apartment.

They're running out the clock.

Call timeout. Call timeout!

Hey, Irene.

You know what's really good luck?

It's when you give somebody your purse and then they lock it in the closet.

You're insane.

Hey, how'd it go? Good news.

Really? Yeah, false alarm.

Really? Yep, you're not the father. Oh, God.

It's your buddy Pete.

What?

Ashley just told me. Congratulations, you're off the hook.

No way. No, no way. All they do is fight.

Oh, right. And fighting never leads to sex?

I mean, how did you and Ashley get together anyway?

Yes.

I'm going to be sick.

Okay, everybody, dinner's ready.

Oh, wow, it smells great, Johnny.

Thank you. At least somebody around here appreciates my cooking.

Well, why don't you just marry her?

I don't like losing.

I hate losing. I can't stand another day of losing.

Hey, hey, Irene, Irene, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how you handle

never winning.

Okay, who would like to try some great cranberry sauce?

I've seen better food in my overcoat pocket.

Okay, I'll try some.

Oh, look at Ashley dig into Johnny's cranberries.

Hey, you know what we should do? We should go around the table and tell each

other what we're thankful for.

Irene, why don't we start with you?

Pass. No, come on there. I said pass! Okay.

Um, anybody else?

There's something I'd like to say.

Why, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let Ashley go first.

Um, I'd like to talk to Berg in private.

Why bother? They're going to find out sooner or later.

Ashley's pregnant.

What? And I'm not the father.

Hobo chat.

I'm not laughing at you guys.

I'm laughing at Pete.

Wait a minute.

You were lying?

Why would you do this?

We invite you into our home and all you do is get us fighting with each other?

It's my version of dinner and a show.

hurt my shoulder i'm sorry irene i was just trying to you know protect my

friends and in the process of course you

right here.

Simberg, I want you to know I loved you.

And you hurt me.

And I couldn't leave until I could admit that.

And I'm only telling you now because I want to move on.

So, Johnny, I accept your offer.

Oh, um... Just one minute.

Of course she can't, Johnny.

Oh, gosh. You know, Ashley is our friend.

Come on. Let's go celebrate.

Johnny bought a box of champagne.

You okay, Bert? I'm fine.

It's just, uh... I can't believe she left me on Thanksgiving.

I'm off to the girls.

Oh, uh...

Johnny, you might not want to refer to Ashley as a girl that sets her up.

That and everything else on this list that Berg and I compiled?

It's just some of her hot buttons.

Like when you're home and she comes home from the hospital?

Yeah. Don't do that.

Listen, when you take a shower, don't leave any water in the bathtub. Or hair.

Or soap.

You know what? Best bet?

Avoid the shower. Avoid the shower.

That's all on the list. Hey, Johnny.

Let me see a smile.

Why? We want to remember you this way