Original subtitles

No.

No.

Go back, go back.

No.

There's nothing on.

You want a random movie?

Sure. Anything but Mad Max? No.

You can go for ice cream.

I don't want to go out looking like this.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, we could always fool around.

You feel like it?

No. Me neither.

You know what? I'm going to go to bed.

Okay. See you in a bit.

Teletubbies.

Ooh, Teletubbies.

Winky's good in this one.

Where's Ashley?

She went to bed.

I thought I heard a cough and close.

You know, this is weird. Help me out here, Pete. Ever since Ashley officially

moved in, we don't argue as much.

We've gotten sort of comfortable.

Settled. Totally at peace.

Do you remember how she used to be?

Loud, volatile, uncomfortable to be around.

Yeah. I was good.

Now she's gotten a little tranquil, you know? I've got to put the fire back in

this relationship somehow.

We could drug her and dump her body in Mexico.

I thought you were taking me to a romantic bed and breakfast. Doesn't this

a little residential?

Oh, believe me, this is a great place to spice things up.

There's my baby boy!

I took you to my parents' house. Surprise!

Okay, look. Whatever happens between you and my mom, just remember, I'm the one

to blame.

Sweetie! Mom! Hi!

Dad, how you doing?

How are you? Listen. I want to introduce you to my girlfriend. This is Ashley.

Hi, it's really a pleasure to meet you. Just a minute, Angie. Let me look at

you.

Hi, I'm Phil. Hi, it's really nice to meet you.

Mom, say hi to Ashley.

Hi, Mrs. Bergen.

So, you're the one that's keeping my son from me.

Why is that?

We tried to come sooner, but she wouldn't let me.

You know, you look like that woman on television.

What's her name? Oh, Mary Tyler Moore.

My, don't we have a high opinion of ourselves?

Well, no, it's just that a lot of people have commented on the resemblance.

Well, they were just blowing hot air up your ass.

No.

I know, I know, I know the one that yells at everybody.

Judge Judy.

Come on now, don't start, Mom. You're just going to get Ashley all mad at me

the next thing you know we'll be fighting.

And nobody wants that.

We are going to get along just fine.

Why don't we go in the house? I am dying to find out what my boy sees in you.

Hey, honey, why don't we save something to talk about during dinner?

What? Is this your idea of spicing up our relationship, watching your mom take

me off all weekend? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, okay? You just got off to a

bumpy start, all right?

Hey, Mom, did I tell you Ashley's a Republican?

Oh, Sharon, shouldn't you knock?

Since when?

Since I have the apartment to myself this weekend and I might have a girl

Pete, you're folding laundry.

Yeah, well, maybe she's into hiding and watching me be tidy.

Oh, wait, Sharon, tell me something. What does this remind you of?

Oh, God!

The time I got maced at Chippendale?

My company wants me to come up with a name for our new unisex cologne.

So where's Berg?

Oh, he took Ashley away for the weekend. You know, to spice things up.

Must be nice.

What? What?

You sighed.

Not sigh, I exhaled. You exhaled with meaning. That's a sigh.

Is there problems with you and Johnny?

No.

There it is again.

What?

Pete, just, there were certain things that you and I should not talk about, so

please, just mind your own business. Okay, okay.

But you know what? I'm not the person engaged to the guy who drinks too much.

No. Is he a klepto? Because I'm missing a pair of pants.

No.

Well, it can't be sex.

I knew it.

So our little Eagle Scout is going for his freaky badge.

You couldn't be further from the truth.

If anything, Johnny's from the school of you do one thing and you do it well.

What are you saying? He's a one -trick pony?

It's a knee wobbler. Don't get me wrong.

I'm just saying that I feel like we're starting to owe the missionary some

commission.

Look, I mean, you know what? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe he

know any better.

You know, we can't all be students of the Kama Sutra.

embarrassing checking it out of the library, try returning it four years

overdue.

Hand me that pillow.

For easy reference.

Maybe you should show this to Johnny.

Thomas Sutra? Are you crazy?

I don't want Johnny to think I'm the kind of girl that would do that stuff.

But you are that kind of girl. Well, yeah.

I'm sorry. Just forget.

Anything. And don't you dare mention anything about this to Johnny. Like I'm

gonna. Don't you think that would put me in an awkward position?

Well, I wouldn't know about awkward positions.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Touchdown! Oh,

I tell you, Boston College is going to a bowl this year. I wouldn't doubt it.

Tim Hasselbeck can move.

Man, I bet he knows over 40 ways to make love to a woman.

Never really thought about it.

Hey, can I get you a beer?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Johnny, did you know that the tiny island nation of Tonga has five NFL

players, yet all of India, none?

I think it's because they know over 300 sexual positions.

I guess you're right, Pete.

Are you wearing perfume?

No.

But if I were, what would you call it?

Creepy.

Oh, hey.

I just flipped that.

Hey.

Look at that.

Kama Sutra.

Not only does this book make a handy coaster, it's also an illustrated guide

pleasuring your partner in ways you could never imagine.

Are you hitting on me?

No.

No, no, no. Johnny, no, I'm just saying that, you know, if I was going to spend

the rest of my life with one person, I'd want to know different ways of, you

know, running the old offense.

Hey, I don't want to talk to you about Sharon and me doing it.

See, look what you made me say.

Johnny, there's no shame in asking Sharon to try the old cobra in the hen's

mouth position.

You don't just bring up kinky stuff like that.

Because if she thinks it's weird, then for the rest of our marriage, I'm known

as the pervo -cobra man.

Did Sharon talk to you about any of this?

What? No, no.

No, God, no. Look, Johnny, Sharon would never talk to me about your sexual

problems. I didn't say problems.

I can't believe you called my mother a shrew.

After dinner, she told me that she always counts the silverware, so if I

to return anything, now's the time.

She didn't want you to be embarrassed.

You totally crossed the line. She's my mother. Yeah, well, I'm your girlfriend.

You're supposed to take my side, or maybe you don't have the guts.

You know, this is a really ugly side of you.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not a mama boy.

Okay, you know what?

Stop that. You say that word one more time, and I will... Or what? What are

going to do? Run and go tell your mommy?

Hey, I don't need my mommy to tell me that I'm dating a nutjob.

I'm going to have to quit that. Make me. Okay, stop that. You and I have forever

met you. Me too.

Where are you going?

So put on my see -through nightie and you better be ready when I get back.

And the flame is lit.

Wow. Ashley's really something special.

She sure is.

Look, uh, don't tell Mom, but Ashley didn't sleep in the guest room last

She slept with me.

Well, after all that noise, I was hoping that was the case.

You know, Ashley really teed off your mom. She ended up taking her on me.

Oh, I'm sorry?

Don't be.

We hadn't fought like that since the night you were conceived.

Good morning, Tiger.

Hiya, baby.

Good morning, Mike. Morning, Mom.

But then again, I guess the girl in the mascot suit never gets to play.

Okay, you want to play a little horse? Or wait a minute, sorry. Have you had

your morning can of Ensure?

Oh, she's really mad.

Great. I was hoping to get in one more fight before you kids left.

Oh, man.

You sound exactly like Ashley and me. We get very passionate when we're

fighting.

We wouldn't have your older brother if I hadn't told your mother to get her ass

in the kitchen and ruffle me up some dinner.

Sweet story, Dad.

Uh -oh!

Did you see that? I didn't even warm up. You can quit now if you'd like. No, no,

I really like your shooting style. It kind of reminds me of those newsreels we

used to watch in P .E. class.

One of us has an H.

You know, Nike does a couple of commercials for women, and every floozy

sports bra thinks she can play ball.

Take another turn.

Just shoot the damn ball.

Yeah, shoot the damn ball, you old bag.

So, uh, Dad, how do you guys keep the, uh, fighting fresh after all these

We don't fight all that much.

You don't?

What do you do when you're not fighting?

Don't you get bored?

No, no. As a matter of fact, last Tuesday, we went down to the parkers.

They have a sunflower the size of a hubcap.

Had a great time?

Listen, son, I don't know about you and Ashley, but my best times with your

mother are the quiet ones.

So, why do you... Why are you trying to keep Mom mad?

Well...

I don't always want to make sweet love.

I'm just remembering why we stopped having those father -son talks.

Your turn.

Is that as hard as you can throw the ball?

No, no, I was just taking it easy on you because I know how brittle your bones

must be.

You remind me of me when I was 40.

Well, I'm sure you need to be reminded about a lot at your age.

Are you all right? Are you all right?

Okay, okay.

There you go. You're okay. All right, Ashley, I'll start packing. You just

She doesn't have to go anywhere. I had it coming.

Oh, wait a minute. I don't know. She threw that ball pretty hard.

Dad!

She's a fighter, and you need a woman like that.

Come on, Mrs. Bergen. Let me see if your nose is broken.

Thank you. And you know what? You do look a little like Mary Tyler Moore.

thank you.

Ordinary people marry Tyler Moore, but still.

What's that sense you're wearing? Who cares?

Existential.

Tell him. Tell him I did not ask you to talk to him about our sex life. Okay,

Sharon, didn't we talk about knocking?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Knock, knock, knock. Hello?

All right, come in.

Tell him.

All right, that's true.

She didn't ask me to talk to you.

See?

Well, I've moved on. Let's go.

Wait a minute. Then why did watching football suddenly become the talk I

had with my father?

What is so strange about two grown men watching football talking about Eastern

lovemaking techniques?

You're right. Why don't you go discuss it with some longshoremen down at

Mahoney's? Oh, and bring a little jar for your teeth.

Yeah, a jar.

I was just offering some advice.

Well, we don't need your advice. What Sharon and I do in our bedroom in the

after Ted Koppel is pretty darn special.

Yeah. Okay.

Darn special. Okay.

What's going on here?

Sharon, did you discuss this with Pete?

I cannot believe... No, no, no. Okay, but I did not tell him to talk to you

about this. Sweetie, you've got to believe me. I betrayed your trust and

confidence.

Okay, can I interject? No!

Pete, will you do us a favor just for once? Can you stay out of our business?

Fine. Stay out of our...

Do we really have a problem with what we do?

No, baby, I love what we do. It's great.

We've gotten really good at it.

If anything, I think we've pretty much perfected it.

So you're saying you want to try other stuff?

I don't know.

You?

If I said I did, would you think I was a pervo?

Not if you won't think I'm one for wanting you to say yes.

So, we're going?

Why not?

Where do we start?

I don't know.

We should send your mom something. Yeah, how about one of those FTD, sorry I

smashed your face bouquet?

You know, for a weekend that started out as a total disaster, it was really fun.

I especially liked it when we were all doing the puzzle and my dad said, this

puzzling.

Ashley, let me ask you something.

Are you happy?

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's just that I was talking to my dad, and he was saying that at the best

time in a relationship should be in the quiet moments.

He's right.

Like the other night. I had a really nice time. We were sitting around,

through the channels, not really finding anything to watch. Yeah, yeah. I was

thinking next week we could go in the kitchen and watch The Toaster.

Something wrong?

Well, maybe it's just me, but it seems like our relationship is

only really interesting when there's drama.

That's not true.

Well, maybe it's just me again, but it seemed to be more exciting when you

me and I chased you, and then I hated you and you chased me, and now we're

living together, and even my mom likes you.

Where's the fun in that?

Well, gosh, Berg, you could put on a Mountie costume and I could tie myself

the railroad track.

Would that be dramatic enough for you? You're not understanding what I'm trying

to say. No, Berg, I think I understand you quite well.

What you're saying is you like fighting. You like it when we're at each other. I

do.

I do.

I did.

Look, I don't want that anymore.

Then what do you want?

I want what my parents have.

Yeah, and what's that?

I want to be happy in the quiet moments.

Yeah, well, so do I. So what is the problem?

I'm not happy.

What are you doing?

I am leaving.

Don't. Do that. Ferg, what is the point? So that you can sit there with me and

be unhappy?

Enjoy the quiet moments.

You'll have a lot of them.

All to yourself.

Ash, come on.

I sub -blocked

my apartment. I have nowhere to

go.

Ashley and I just broke up.

Sorry, man.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

How long do you need before I start celebrating?

Morning dew.

Mountain mist.

Mountain dew! Mountain dew!

Innocence.

Tranquility.

Serenity.