Original subtitles

break. This isn't even your apartment.

Ashley, come on. What's going on?

Bert, it's your girlfriend. She's hogging the bathroom again. I've been

out here for 25 minutes.

Ashley!

Ashley! You can scrub all you want. That's still your face.

What's going on, honey?

I'm not sure.

I thought... The door was jammed, and I thought...

It's a good thing I didn't make a big deal about it.

Oh, good, the bathroom's free.

No, wait, wait, wait!

Sure.

What is this?

There's no bingo here.

They must have canceled it.

Hey, let's stay for counseling.

No way.

Oh, come on, baby, please. This is the only way they'll let us have our wedding

here. And this church is really special to me. It's where my mom married my

favorite stepfather.

I thought you said it wasn't available in June.

Oh, I forgot to tell you the good news. The couple that had June 24th was

trampled by a herd of something in Africa.

But the church isn't wheelchair accessible.

Isn't that great?

Come on, Mac.

Oh, excuse us. We're waiting for Father Viteri. We have our premarital

counseling session.

We're here for the same thing. A spa just opened on June 24th.

We're trying to get the same date.

Isn't that neat?

That's so neat.

Do something.

There's no chance you two are going to Africa, is there?

been there already.

We did missionary work last summer.

Oh.

Crap. They're holy.

Johnny, they're gonna take our date.

Oh, come on.

We're just as good as them. No, we're not. We're living together in sin and

having sex.

The big night for them is when he accidentally elbows her in the boob.

must be Sharon and Johnny.

Hello, I'm Father Viteras. Nice to meet you.

I brought you a little treat, Father.

What?

Not the maple bars.

Oh, yeah!

Are you working for the devil?

He asked you a question.

Well, let's all have a seat. Let's relax.

Now,

I am aware that you two are interested in the same date. But remember, this is

not a competition.

This is religious counseling.

And it's actually a lot of fun.

All right, now, who here wants to tell me something they really love about

partner?

Well, it sure isn't sex.

Hey, Birch.

Guess where I was.

You went down to the gas station to use the bathroom.

How did you know that?

Because you've got a huge wooden key in your pocket.

Man, they're going to be furious. I already lost the one attached to the

Bert, this is ridiculous.

If you wanted Ashley to move in, why didn't you just ask me?

Excuse me. Pete.

If she moved in, you'd be the first to know. I am the first to know.

She doesn't live here.

She sleeps here every night.

Okay, look, I don't mean to brag, but that's not something she can control.

She doesn't live here. Why is there a picture of her family in the hallway?

Why do we have coasters?

And why are our tissues coming out of a crocheted cat?

Stop. I know how you feel about Ashley. You think she's pushy and manipulative,

but believe me, Pete, she would never move into this apartment without my

permission. Well, how about her forwarding her mail without your

Pushy, manipulative.

Don't let her get away with it. I won't. Show her she can't do this. She can't.

Kick her out. No way.

She moved in here without asking. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

No. No, it's not.

Then do something about it.

Be a man. Stand up for your rights.

I can do that.

Anything less would be pathetic.

You're right. You are right. I can barely stand to look at you. Okay.

We'll have no more of that. All right.

All right, but you're going to do something, right? Yeah, you know I'm

do something. The second she gets back here, I'm going to tell her I've had it,

and she has to move out.

He's had it. He wants you to move out.

Why is he bringing this up now?

God, I've been living here for over a month.

Anyway, you know, Pete said he's fine if you spend the night, as long as you,

you know, live someplace else.

I guess he's just more comfortable with our relationship the way it was, I don't

know, before.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What happens if I get Pete to say that it's okay that I live here?

Oh, I don't know. I fought really hard for you.

I almost punched him in the face.

Well, I think I could convince him.

There you go. That's the spirit.

Okay, now I want you to apply that energy to finding a new place.

It's a true story.

But I don't tell that story just for the laugh.

No. I tell that story to illustrate the importance of communication.

We find that most marital problems can be traced back to a general lack of

communication. You know, that's funny. I was saying exactly the same thing to

Sharon today on the way to bingo.

Very good.

All right. Now, Gail, could you give us an example of how you and Gary would

communicate?

Well, for one thing, every night...

Gary and I set aside an hour to talk about our day.

We call it share time.

So, during share time, does Gary get to say anything?

All right, now, Johnny, could you give us an example of how communication might

go between you and Sharon?

Okay. Well,

usually I just try to figure out what will get me into the least amount of

trouble.

And I just go with that.

Well, you didn't do it this time.

Now, let's not get into a fight, you two.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I like the way they banter. Oh, yes.

Yes, a good sense of humor is an important part of any relationship.

Oh, believe me, Johnny and I have no problem communicating.

Oh, really?

Elaborate.

A perfect example of that would be the time.

A perfect example.

Wow, there are so many.

Well, just pick one.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

I remember once my mom was going into the hospital for an operation, and my

flight was delayed home until the next day.

And I felt so scared and helpless, you know?

But Johnny was there for me.

He stayed with me all night at the airport, and we talked about, I don't

about everything.

And how was your mother?

Oh, wonderful.

They sucked over 50 pounds of fat.

But the point is, is that Johnny talked me through one of the worst nights of my

life.

Now that is a beautiful story.

Yeah, just like a fairy tale.

Dunville Bergen Walker?

Sorry, Ashley, but you'll be bunking with the Loch Niskeys.

I cannot believe you lied to Father Batari like that. What did you expect me

do? They were like little Christian con men.

And besides, we got the church. I am not comfortable with this. What?

But I just, I wanted to...

Did I get my mail?

Okay, let's just keep the date, and I promise, I promise, this is the last

I lie to a priest. I am not keeping that date, not unless you go and tell Father

Viteri the truth. Oh.

Pete.

Get out of my way.

Hey, Pete, Pete, what do you think?

Sharon, he's not comfortable lying to clergy.

Some people would see that as a good quality.

And besides, this is his wedding, too.

I suppose.

Hello, Peter.

I've been waiting for you.

What's up?

Let's be honest. You don't like me, and I detest you.

You don't think much of me, and I think you're a turd.

You had me at hello.

I want you

to tell Berg that you want me to live here.

Yeah, and I want to be a pretty ballerina and dance at the Dars Ball.

Open it.

What is this?

My share of the rent for one year in advance.

And if you don't tell Berg, he'll continue to pay one half, and with my

third, you'll only have to pay one sixth.

I get all of it.

Yeah, and I got it in one.

It's easier for the lap dancers.

Not so fast, Ashley.

You got me to the ball.

Now, let's dance.

Okay.

You've got first priority with the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's got a good beat.

But you know what? I'm still leaning against the wall.

Okay. I will introduce you to the nurse of your choice.

You can have a real one.

Or a girl that just dresses like one for parties.

You got me on the floor now, but it's just... I just want more stuff.

Okay, fine.

This is your final offer.

You got the cash.

You got the bathroom.

You got the nurse.

And for every three times you insult me, I will only retort to one.

That means respond.

I'm still not sure.

Okay, Pete, this offer's only good for ten seconds.

Seven, six, five, four... All right, fine, fine, fine, I'll take it, I'll

it.

I'd be a great senator.

So, uh, how much money did you have to give Bird for him to agree?

What do you mean?

Well, this morning he was talking about throwing you out on your ear and... Now

I realize I've said something terribly wrong.

That jerk.

I know. Well, if it makes you feel any better, he won't see a dime of this.

Forget it. If Berg doesn't want me here, then all deals are off. No, no, no,

wait. Come back, Ashley. Ashley.

I just... And because I was nervous about losing the June wedding day to

and who knows if everything she said was true, I made up that little white lie

about Johnny talking with me all night.

And you know what, Father? It wasn't a complete lie, because someone really did

stay up with me that night.

It wasn't Johnny.

But the point is... No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who did stay up with you? Oh, a friend of mine, Pete.

Pete? Yeah.

He's just a friend.

I mean, he did kiss me once.

And he flew to Paris because he was in love with me.

And I felt a little something for him.

But that passed.

Is this boring? No, no.

I think I got it.

You told me the story about you and another man so that I would think you

Johnny made a nice couple.

It made sense at the time.

So we're on for the 24th.

Before we talk about that, I think you and Johnny are overdue for a real

conversation.

But that's just a suggestion, right? I mean, I don't have to if I don't want

Right, although a marriage should be based on truth.

Yeah, but you can't tell him.

I'll tell you what. I am going to hold this date for you until tomorrow.

If you really feel like you're ready to get married, call me. Oh, we're ready.

Call me.

Ashley? Ferg, will you get that? I'm busy.

Of course. I'm going to get it. It's my fault.

My house.

It's for you.

Take a message.

Can I take a message?

Yeah. Okay, I'll tell her.

Yeah.

Uh, Aston, a guy named Jerry just called. He says the apartment's yours if

want it. Great. I was just in the bedroom packing my bag.

Oh, what? It didn't work out with Pete?

Son of a... I'm sorry, baby. Look, tell you what.

The least I can do is call you a cab, and then when you finish unpacking, you

can come back here for a little, uh, sleepo.

I'm not sleeping over.

No, no, no, you can sleep over. Pete loved that.

Oh, gee, Bert, gosh, does your arm hurt there?

No. Oh!

Pete told me that you didn't want me to live here.

What? No, you know what happened? Pete wanted to adopt a monkey and call it

Ashley.

Save it, Bert.

God, this isn't about Pete.

Why didn't you have the guts to tell me that you didn't want me here?

I did want you here. What? I was very happy with you living here until I found

out that you were leaving here.

Then what's the problem? I should stay.

You make all the decisions in this relationship.

I'm sick and tired of it.

Time might take control. This is my apartment and I will decide who lives

So do you want me to leave?

Yes, I do. That's what I want.

So that's the way it's going to be.

Fine. I'm leaving. Bye.

Goodbye. Yes, it is.

making another decision.

I want you to move in with me.

Excuse me?

Well, now that I've kicked you out, I am free to invite you back in. You are now

living here because I... made it so.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Now, I'm finding myself quite virile.

So I want you to go to the bedroom.

Unpack your bags.

And wait for me to have my way with you.

Huh. I don't think we've ever done it your way before.

Hey. Hey, perfect timing.

What's all this?

Thought I'd cook for you tonight.

Made your favorite.

Oh, been strong enough.

Oh, spaghetti and meatballs.

My favorite.

So, I guess all this means you didn't speak to Father Viteri.

No, I...

the importance of honesty and forgiveness in a relationship.

Mainly forgiveness.

Really pushing the forgiveness.

Sharon, what is it?

You know the story that I told Father Viteri about you and me staying up all

night?

Well, it wasn't made up.

It actually happened.

Between me and Pete.

I see.

Are you mad?

Oh, me?

Why would I be mad?

I mean, just because you're an example of one of our closest moments happened

between you and another guy.

A guy that was in love with you.

Did he live on some far -off corner of the earth? No!

He was right downstairs, lucky me.

Yeah, well, here's the upsetting part.

That wasn't the upsetting part.

I had some feelings for Pete, too.

I don't believe this. I was confused. I mean, I didn't even realize it until

after you proposed. So that's why you wouldn't answer me?

That's why you jerked me around all that time with this engaged in theory

garbage? That was a perfectly legitimate answer. After all, an engagement is a

promise to be married. Well, stop it. Just stop.

Will you just please come back and talk to me? Oh, come on, Sharon. How would

you feel if I told you that I had feelings for Pete?

Or someone?

No wonder I've had second thoughts about this marriage.

You had second thoughts about this marriage?

Drop a bomb, why don't you?

Come on, can you blame me?

I mean, I knew something was up, but do we ever sit down and talk about it? No,

we don't talk about anything.

What do you think we're doing right now? I don't know. Starting my history of

high blood pressure? No, no, no, we're talking. We're communicating.

We're each revealing deep secrets that will haunt us forever.

Isn't that great?

Well, I...

I have to admit, it's better than not knowing.

If I bought this much... So do you still have doubts?

Yeah.

So what do we do?

Well, we'll keep talking.

And eventually they'll go away.

Great.

We'll work on it together.

Right.

So who needs counseling?

We do. Big time.

100,

200, 300.

See, I would have been happy right there.

But wait, there's more.

400, 500. Pete!

Hey, listen, uh, no, no, Ashley, you just stay right there.

I think we have a little Ashley money issue to discuss.

Oh, look, Bert, I was going to mention that. No, you weren't. Look, I know you.

No, Bert, really. No, Pete, I owe you her third of the rent.

She's my girlfriend.

No arguments.

It's just that money is just so tacky.

Wait, Berg.

There is one thing that... This doesn't really cover utilities.

You know what?

I'll eat it.

Thank you, Pete. You're the best.

Boys, we have company.