Original subtitles

This is our employment agency's finest hour.

Last quarter, we found jobs for 97 % of our clients.

The 3 % on welfare are Dunvilles.

Woo!

You're sand in our pockets, Dunville. How do you expect me to do well if you

don't ever give me any good job leads?

Good question.

I'll think about that while the rest of us celebrated our champagne brunch.

Come on, winners!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You give me a decent job lead, and I guarantee I'll be the one to fill it.

do it!

Yeah? Yeah.

You think you're ready to play with the big dogs?

All right.

Here's your lead.

Vice President of Sales for World Glow Cosmetics.

All right. Thank you. You won't regret this.

You're right. I won't.

Because if you don't fill this position by five, you're fired.

Actually, can I have until 5 .20 because I came in late today?

They've had me fill in iodine bottles all day.

But still, you know, it's better than what they had me empty yesterday.

That's nice.

All righty. Well, thanks a lot for stopping by. You're welcome. By the way,

look great.

So do you.

Well, if no one else was going to say it, I will.

I look fantastic.

Um, Brandon, this is Berg, my boyfriend.

Hi. Hi.

And Berg, this is Brandon, my ex -husband.

So you're the ex -husband she never talks about.

It's nice to finally put a face to the holes in the wedding pictures.

Okay, Berg, before you two start getting chummy, just remember, I've seen you

both naked.

I should get going anyway.

Berg, pleasure meeting you. I'm glad you liked it.

What was that all about?

Oh, he just wanted me to sign some papers. We sold our cabin.

Cabin?

You had a cabin? Why didn't you tell me you had a cabin?

Well, I was waiting for the right time.

Fer, I had a cabin.

You probably have a lot of other questions, so I gotta go. Hold on, hold

hold on.

You always keep things for me. I'd like to know a little more about Brandon.

Well, we got married, and we bought a cabin, and we got divorced, and we sold

it.

I've... Been approached about making it into a miniseries.

Starring Ashley Walker in The Winds of Annoyance.

Hey, Bart.

Bart, I need to talk to you. Uh,

well... What's going on?

Are we gonna vote?

Listen, I saw what happened when you spilled on Ashley. I thought you might

to talk about it. Oh... No, listen, don't worry about it. She'll cover it up

with blood or something.

Berg ignoring it won't make it go away.

Make what go away?

You can tell me. I'm not going to think you're crazy.

How about you tell me, and I won't think you're crazy.

She beats you, doesn't she?

Hey, I've been there. She beat me, too. You know, broke up our marriage.

What are you talking about? Hey, you know, at first I was attracted to her

roughness, and then it just, uh, it got out of hand.

Well, you see this?

Ashley pushed me down a flight of stairs. She told me to tell everyone I

into a door.

Well, this has been nice. Thank you. Um, I'm sorry that you have to go. Oh, no,

I understand.

You're not ready to talk about it. When you are, just, uh... Give me a call.

Okay. They'll let the door hit you in the face on the way out.

Hey. Hey. Ready for lunch? Yeah.

Hi, Johnny.

Hi, Evelyn.

Why don't we stop for some poison? The guys have a rat in their apartment, and

can't stand the screaming.

Johnny, we're a chemical company. We make a terrific rat poison.

You do? Yeah. We discovered it by accident. We thought we were making dog

shampoo.

Sharon. Sharon, I just read this report you turned in. It's thoroughly

misleading. I don't think there's a grain of truth in there.

Nicely done.

Thank you, sir. It's nice to know that I make a difference.

Did you know that this woman can take any set of damaging facts and twist and

mold them into a wonderful web of half -truths?

Yeah, that was her talent in the Miss Georgia pageant.

problem with our plant in the Antarctic.

Evidently, penguins only survive at certain temperatures.

Do your magic.

You've got it, sir.

So, uh, where do you want to go for lunch?

I don't care, as long as we're not wearing tuxedos.

Sharon! You gotta go. Hey, Johnny, come on. Where? What are you doing here? I

got you an interview for a great job.

I work here. But not for long.

This is legit, okay? This is for the vice president of sales for World Glow

Cosmetics. They're looking for a smart, experienced, articulate executive. And

look, I consider you my one and only choice for this job.

Pete, that is so sweet, but I just... Come on, Sharon, you're the only one I

know.

But I've been here for so long.

I mean, I've worked so hard to get where I am.

Come on, Sharon, it's just an interview. 20 minutes, come on. I don't have time

to prepare.

Oh, you'll be great. Just do that thing where you lie.

hate this job. It makes you feel terrible. And besides, I'm starting to

Evelyn.

Oh, hey, baby. You were not going to believe the crazy conversation I just

One second.

What's up?

Oh, God.

Stupid machine took my change.

Oh, I have change.

Keep it.

Sometimes a good beating is all it understands.

Okay, sweetie.

What is it you wanted to tell me?

Thursday's Tetrazzini day in the cafeteria.

I'm afraid not too well.

For the other people, I nailed it!

Yes, yes, thank God.

Are you sure they liked you? Oh, are you kidding? There were so many smiles, I

thought I was in a production of Up With Sharon.

Oh, thank you, Sharon. You saved me. No, you saved me. I mean, I could have been

stuck in that job for the rest of my life.

How is it that you always give me the strength to do what I'm afraid to do?

Because you're my best friend.

And I was desperate to keep my job.

Okay, well, call me when you're here. All right. Okay. Bye.

Hey,

hey, what's this next to Pete Dunville's name?

Well, wait a minute. It looks like a head.

So, making progress on the world law account?

As a matter of fact, I am.

As a matter of fact.

Hated the woman you submitted.

What? She said they smiled at her. I smile at you. What's that worth?

Wait, wait, wait. She didn't have proper time to prepare. Maybe if I went down

there and talked to them. No, don't worry about it. It's the nature of job

placement. Sometimes things just don't work out.

For example, you.

You're fired.

Wait. You said I had until the end of the day.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.

Come back in two hours and I'll fire you then.

Shirley, write that down. Five o 'clock meeting with the boss.

Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

I'd like to tell you about the biggest mistake you almost made.

Karen Carter.

Started out in a small town.

Called home.

Hey, Bert, careful going into your apartment. I just fed your rat some

Did it have an effect?

Yeah, he's got a nice shiny coat and he's mad as hell.

Whoa, so I can't go in my apartment?

No, of course you can't. Just don't fall asleep.

Hey, Johnny, listen.

Hypothetical situation.

Let's say this guy's dating this girl, okay? No, no, it's a girl dating a guy.

And his ex -husband tells him that. I mean, she tells her that, or rather, it

should be a he. You know what? Screw it. Ashley's ex -husband told me she beat

him.

And you believe him? She never talks about him, you know? I mean, what if

there's a side to her I don't know?

What if Ashley's not just the cold, mean -spirited girl I fell in love with?

Well, look on the bright side, Berg. A lot of guys would pay to have a pretty

girl hit them.

It's a... Hi.

Hi.

You're in a good mood.

Oh, yeah, it's a great day. I'm going to kill a rat.

Don't bother. I just tried to poison it.

Poison? Poison's for cats.

No, I'm kidding. I told you I was in a great mood.

Now, I have got the best way to catch a rat.

Gotcha!

There's nothing like a flat rat to send a message to his buddy.

Right, Bert?

I'll see ya.

You want to sleep at our place tonight?

And since Sharon Carter took the baton of public relations, Immaculate

Chemicals' approval rating has gone up a whopping 46%. A whopping

46%. And that's despite adding eight

different fish to the endangered species list.

And in closing, I say to you here now, ladies,

Gentlemen, saying no to Sharon Carter is saying no

to

America.

Impressive, Mr. Dunville.

Very impressive.

Thank you.

Sharon Carter cookie?

voice.

Oops.

Great, Berg. Now you scared the rat.

We may never see him again.

Damn.

Now who's going to nibble me in the places that count?

Look, there's some things that I need to know about Brandon. I don't want to

talk about him. This is important. Ashley, why'd you two break up?

For a lot of reasons.

Like what?

Did he cheat on you?

Did he have a gambling problem?

Did he cheat at gambling?

This is embarrassing for me, okay?

Well, that makes it all the more interesting for me.

Look, Fer, I left Brandon because deep down I knew that there was somebody

better for me out there.

And I think I may have found him.

I'm an idiot. Come here, baby.

I wasn't thinking. Sometimes I just react.

Like the time you pushed Brandon down the stairs.

What?

The scar on his forehead.

He ran into a door.

He said you'd say that.

You've been talking to Brandon? He told me everything. I know. You used to beat

him.

Oh. Okay, that's it. I've had it with him. He's not trying to cause trouble.

just wants to help. No.

Brandon, it's Burke. If you're home, get out of the house.

What'd you have for lunch?

Uh, tuna.

Wow.

Great choice.

Thanks.

Hey, where'd you go? Oh, research. I went shopping to get to know the World

Globe products I'll be selling.

Well, you are excited about this, aren't you?

It's like the governor just called and said I could go sell makeup.

Did Pete call?

Yeah, he said he'd call back.

Did he sound happy or sad?

Happy! Happy!

Sharon,

this whole penguin thing is blowing up in our face.

Where's that report?

I can't do it, sir.

Of course you can.

Tell the world about penguin overpopulation. Killer penguins.

them look bad.

What I mean is, I won't.

What are you talking about?

This company. I hate this job. And I hate myself for doing it. Sharon. You

and I'm sure I am not alone.

Who here feels lousy about themselves when they drive home from work each day?

Huh? Helen?

Who here feels guilty when they watch the leaves fall?

She never beat me.

Tell him like you're not scared. Don't hurt me.

He's just messing with you.

Oh, come on. Who are you going to believe, me or somebody you just met?

Well... You see?

You're turning my boyfriend into a paranoid wreck.

Yeah, but, you know, I didn't think it would be so easy.

What? You're just messing with me?

What? You're just getting it?

Well, you know, I better get home. You kids have a lot to fight about.

I knew.

I was playing along, okay? Can you believe that he thought that I thought

that... You've got to admit, he was pretty convincing.

How could you think that about me?

Because I heard it from your ex -husband.

And you never tell me anything, Ashley. No, I told you. No, you didn't. You

glossed over it with all the emotional mushy crap. I'm going to need some cold

hard facts.

Okay, what if I told you that Brandon pulled stunts like that all the time?

What if I told you that he gave me his grandmother's engagement ring and he

never told her that he took it?

Or that on our wedding day, he told his parents that I was really a man.

And what if I told you that after all of that, I still said I do?

What would you think of me then?

Not much.

You didn't get the job.

That's not the news.

I'm so sorry, Sharon. I tried my hardest. I mean it. I really did. I

wanted you to get it.

You know what? Look on the bright side. At least you have your old job.

I quit today.

What? No, don't worry. People find you something even better.

Well, wait. Actually, I can't. I don't work there anymore.

Oh, no, no, no, no. They fired you because of me?

Oh, you're so awful.

Well, no, no, no. Don't feel awful. I kind of already have a new job.

Really? Where?

Vice President of Sales, World Glow Cosmetics.

Excuse me?

Vice President of Sales, World Glow Cosmetics.

You took my job?

I'm sorry. I went down there to argue on your behalf and they were so impressed

they gave me the job.

You took?

My job.

Yeah, but only because you blew it.

I don't understand.

Evelyn said you sounded so happy on the phone.

I was. I just got a job.

You know, if you were a true friend, you never would have accepted it. Oh,

Sharon, what was I supposed to do? I was going to get fired, and they weren't

going to hire you.

No, not after you sabotaged me. Oh, come on, honey. Pete would never. Pick your

sides very carefully.

You think you know a guy.

Charlotte, Charlotte, you'll find a new job.

Oh, I don't doubt that.

But it's going to be a hassle finding a new best friend.

Anyway, congratulations.

Why don't you just call an exterminator?

Never. The rat has gotten smarter and so must I.

Look. When the sandwich is disturbed, it pulls this string revealing the mirror.

The rat will approach the mirror believing it has found a mate.

When he touches the mirror, that 20 -pound bag of flour is released and

off to the big sewer in the sky.

You would have to be the stupidest rat in the world to fall for that.

We'll see when we get back.

Hey,

good looking.