Original subtitles

Hey, Ashley, when you see Bert, tell him I can't have lunch with him. I'm going

to chop wood with Johnny. You and Johnny are going to chop wood?

That's another way of saying it.

I don't know if you improved it, though.

Well, if it were me, I wouldn't want to be hanging around with Johnny in an axe.

What are you talking about?

Come on, Pete. You hit on Sharon, the woman Johnny's going to marry.

I didn't hit on Sharon. I intimated that I had feelings for her. Either way,

you've been sniffing around on the big dog's porch.

Johnny doesn't even know how he felt about Sharon.

Have you ever chopped wood with Johnny before?

No. Huh, curious timing.

What are you saying, that Johnny wants to hurt me? Not consciously, but I bet

his subconscious already has you chopped up and stacked next to the wood pile.

You know what, Ashley?

It's not working.

Ready?

Ooh, a chainsaw.

All right. Welcome to third year rotation.

And the best part is we get to be called doctor now.

Dr. Bergen. Kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Dr. Bergen to emergency.

Dr. Bergen, your table's ready.

Lap dance, Dr. Bergen?

So what's your assignment?

Oh, I got psych with Dr.

Gordon. That'll be good, you know, getting some heads, play some Damon

Spreeden's goal.

Excuse me, I think I'm lost.

Where's the gap?

I love doing that.

I'm sorry, I'm looking for exam room A.

Do you have any idea?

Oh, yeah, actually, it's the second door on the left. I'm headed there myself.

Well, then you must be my bed rotation. I'm Dr. Peel. Oh, hi.

Nice to meet you. I'm Ashley, and this is Bird. I'm sorry, I am Dr.

Walker, and this is Dr.

Bird. Dr.

Oh, get used to that.

It would impress as the hell out of the clerk at the adult video store.

And you can park in the red while you grab a meatball grinder at DeMonte's. I

love DeMonte's. We've got ten minutes to class. You want to share it with me?

Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks.

So, what are you doing tonight, Doctor?

Spookily playing doctor, Doctor.

Dr.

Gordon.

I just want to introduce myself. I'm Dr.

Bergen. I'm very excited to be in your psych rotation.

If only I shared your excitement.

I've been teaching this 20 years.

I hate it.

Here, get a jump in the reading.

Oh, okay. What chapter?

Doesn't matter.

They're all the same.

Oh, just got a little pole with a guy in the admissions office.

You'd be surprised what you can get when you shake a man's hand a little longer

than normal.

Hello, Dr. Bergen. Would you like to tell us why you're here?

Oh, did everyone else go?

I've always known I wanted to help people, but it wasn't until a trip to

emergency room after a high school skiing accident... No, Dr. Bergen.

Now, why are you in this rotation? I've got last names V through Z.

I'm here, Dr.

Peele, because you're the best.

Everyone knows it, and I should not be deprived of the peer education simply

because my poor name grew up on the wrong side of the alphabet.

I see. Well, unfortunately, that's not the way it works. A through F is with

Gordon. I know, I know, but please, you can't make me go back there, okay? The

man is dead, and no one's notified.

All right, all right, you can stay. This'll be fun.

Okay. Okay.

Dr. Bergen, name the valve in the colon that regulates discharge.

Okay. Here we go.

The colon.

Uh... Don't tell me. Don't tell me it's on the tip of my tongue, okay?

Well, no, not really. That would be you.

While on rotations, any doctor in the hospital can fire a question at you.

on, think now, Dr. Bergen. The valve.

The valve at the end of the colon that regulates discharge is, uh...

The poopy chute.

Dr. Walker.

Oh, I don't know. May I look it up? Very good. Yes. If you don't know the

answer, you look it up.

But, uh...

That little joke, Dr. Bergen, it can come in handy when you're telling a new

widow why you couldn't save her children's father.

Yes? Yes, Dr. Bergen? I'm not supposed to be in this rotate.

It could have happened to anyone.

Johnny backed into you with his truck?

He didn't see me.

I... I was relieving myself on a tree.

You would have run me over if I hadn't scampered into a blackberry thicket.

And you really think that this was an accident?

Yes, yes, his shoelace, it got caught around the accelerator.

Happened in Footloose.

How you feeling?

Oh, I'm all right, thanks, sure.

Why are you laughing?

Oh, I was, uh...

Helping Johnny carry an air conditioner upstairs, and he accidentally dropped it

on my toe.

But he feels so bad.

In fact, he wants to take you fishing on Saturday.

Oh, that's great. Great.

Best part is, now I don't have to go.

But I'm glad you guys are spending some more time together.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Pete!

What? Help me out here. Look out the window.

Why?

I think Johnny wants to hurt me.

Pete, I'm not in psych rotation, so I don't want you to take this as, you

like a professional opinion or anything, but you're an idiot.

Oh. Oh. Does an idiot almost get run over by a truck while urinating?

Hey, Pete. What are you doing at the hospital?

Afraid to be alone in the building with Johnny?

You know, I don't appreciate your lucky guesses.

Hey, stranger, you look awful.

Well, you know, that's why I asked Dr.

Peel to assign me double shifts. You know, I'm sick and tired of these

good looks.

Hi, Dr. Peel. Hi.

Hey, Dr. Peel, we were just talking about you. Oh, well, now there's a sign

dull party.

Okay, time to liven up. Who has the key to the meds cabinet?

Uh, Dr. Peel, I just, uh, this is my friend Pete.

Oh, Dr. Bergen, I didn't see you there.

Okay, you're approached by a doctor.

How can you tell if he's a physician or a resident?

Oh, well, you thump him on the head, and if it sounds hollow, you... Oh, wait,

that's cantaloupe.

That's funny.

That's funny.

Now, don't the residents wear different color nameplates?

Very good. Pete, is it? Hi. Hi.

I watch General Hospital.

I fell into a blackberry thicket.

Ashley, patch me up.

Not bad, Dr. Walker. Maybe a little tight.

Dr. Bergen, why is it a problem that the bandage is too tight?

Well, the medical reason is that the wound needs air to heal.

But the real reason is that Dr. Walker doesn't like pee.

Dr. Bergen, a patient comes to you after tumbling down a ravine of thorny

plants. Do you just patch him up and send him on his way?

No, I would check the wound.

And if he came in contact with, oh, I don't know, say, poison ivy, he could

develop a painful skin rash.

What would the rash look like? You're funny.

What else, Dr. Bergen? Well, if toxins were present, they could infiltrate

Pete's bloodstream and pose a more serious health risk. Such as?

Swelling, numbness, possible infection, leading to gangrene. What?

You're funny.

What if the thinker was recently treated with an herbicide?

I'd flush the wound with water. What if the chemical doesn't dilute with water?

I'd hope.

then any residual poison would be counteracted by the disinfectant. Hope

would hope. How comforting is that? Not very.

I, uh, I see your point, Dr. Peel. I don't know the answer, so I should go

it up. Yes, good, because while you're at the library, you won't have to watch

your friend die.

Wait, wait, seriously, because my arm is getting numb.

I want you to go speak with Dr. Kemker. He's a dermatologist.

Then write me a paper for tomorrow on the dangers of wrapping an abrasion

without first determining the full extent of the injury. But I didn't wrap

Ashley did. Okay, very well. Make a copy of the report and give it to Dr.

Walker.

That's so unfair.

I know. She is riding you a little hard.

A little?

John Goodman's minibike isn't ridden this hard.

Good morning, Bert.

What are you doing?

Bert. The colon!

Hey, uh, tell me something. Are these the steps to our place or the hospital?

Our place.

Okay, I gotta go.

Okay, is that everything you need?

Yeah, everything but Pete.

Uncle Phoebe's ready.

I don't want to go fishing.

Why? What are you talking about?

Did you ever say anything to Johnny that might make him want to hurt me?

No.

I mean, I told him you had feelings for me.

That's it. I'm done for.

No, no.

Johnny would never hurt you.

He ran me over with his truck, he broke my toe, and he nearly dropped an

appliance on my head.

Fine. If he hurts you again, I'll talk to him.

You don't smell very nice.

Pete. Hey, you heard me, stinky.

I don't know how you put up with her.

Call 911.

What is with him? Okay, he thinks you're out to get him. That's why you're

taking him fishing.

I would never hurt Pete.

I just want to show him there's no hard feelings. between us. Yeah, I'm taking

him fishing so I can ask him to be in our wedding.

Really? Oh my God, that is so sweet.

You know, once Berg hears about this, you're going to have to take him to the

zoo.

So he's really scared, huh?

What were you two talking about?

Oh, it really doesn't matter now.

Wait, bye -bye, Pete.

Dr. Lamar, are you whining?

Dr.

Bergen.

Dr. Bergen.

Oh.

We didn't sleep together, did we?

For future reference, the doctor passed out in the waiting room. It's like a

pilot passed out in the airport bomb.

Thank you. Dr.

Kempker said that you asked some very intelligent questions.

Hey, Berg.

You did a really good job on this report. I learned a lot.

What did you think, Dr. Peele? I thought it was terrific.

Dr. Bergen.

Go give the nurses a hand with the filing.

Hold on. You don't have other students do that.

No, no. I believe you're the first.

Maybe we'll put up a plaque.

I can't win, okay? I can't win. Because even when I'm right, I'm wrong.

You don't deserve this, Berg. Maybe you should just transfer back to your

original rotation.

Oh, my God. I just, I don't get it. I mean, have you ever known anyone who

didn't like me? Of course, Berg.

Who?

I want to know.

All right.

My mom.

Your mother loves you.

Really is nice being out here all alone.

Yep. Nobody around for miles and miles.

Want to hand me one of them loose people?

That's I.

That's some nice you got there.

Is that, uh...

Fist blood?

Most of it.

My dad taught me how to gut with this.

Yeah,

well, um... My dad taught me judo.

just flips and stuff.

That's after the flips.

So did you get in many fights when you were growing up?

Yeah, yeah. Well, enough to get a reputation.

What kind of reputation?

That's not important.

All you need to know is if you want to throw down,

One of the candy stripers fractured her wrist.

Oh, oh, okay, I'll get right on it. No, no, no, no.

Go sit with Mrs. Abernathy till she falls asleep.

No, Dr. Peel, that's one of the reasons I need to see you.

I just, um, I spoke with Dr.

Gordon, and he's agreed to let me into a psych rotation.

I just need you to sign the transfer.

Really? Yeah.

Great!

Here, give me your bag. Don't, don't, don't. Don't you want to know why I'm

transferring? No, I know, Dr. Bergen, because you're a quitter, what my son

would call a wuss.

Wait a minute. Hold on, okay? Look, it's not like I can't take it, okay? You're

being unfair.

Do I just sign at the bottom or do I initial somewhere?

Look, Dr. Peel, this is important, okay? You treat me like dirt and then you act

like it's some big joke.

Excuse me? No, I'm not the one who switched rotations.

And I'm not the one who, if he makes it through medical school at all, can look

forward to a career as a technical advisor to a TV show.

I'm going to be a good doctor. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, don't be working

emergency when any of my relatives are brought in.

You know what? You just don't like me, and you can't see past your personal

feelings. And I'm sorry. Dr. Bergen, I have never regretted my decision to

become a physician.

But there have been nights when I have wept.

over my inability to help a patient.

And I finished at the top of my class. I worked my ass off.

I sent her to think of the care a doctor like you would provide.

Someone who's always looking for the easy way out, the shorter hours, who's

always whining about how the medical establishment doesn't appreciate his

genius. Well, just let me sign your transfer.

And then maybe on the way home you can stop and rent Patch Adams.

You really don't think I'd make a good doctor? Oh, worse than that.

I think that your charm and your personality will give patients

skills that you are too distracted to ever master.

You're wrong.

Dr. Peel, you don't know me at all.

I'm not transferring.

Assign me 72 hours straight. I don't care.

I'm going to be a good doctor, and you'll see that. When I'm working an

emergency, you'll pray to God for a loved one to get in a serious accident.

It's Johnny. I heard him.

What happened?

I asked him to be in my wedding, and he threw a handful of lures at me.

Oh!

All right, let's get you to the exam room. I'll get Dr.

Walker to look at you. Hold on, hold on. I'm the one on duty. I can handle this.

No, I don't think so.

No, I can do this. I can do this, okay? Look, I know you may think I'm a rotten

doctor, but...

are shaking from the gallon of coffee I just drank, but I will be damned if I

can't stitch an eyebrow. Wait a minute.

You think Berg's a rotten doctor?

All right, Dr.

Berg. Scrub up. He's your patient.

Whoa, whoa. Hold the phone here.

This is my face we're talking about. Don't I have any say? Can't he warm up

someone homelier first?

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Ashley's message just said you were...

You didn't tell her he was all right so she wouldn't worry?

Worry's good for a relationship.

You did a good job. It doesn't even hurt.

Is there going to be a scar, Berg?

Is there going to be a scar, Dr.

Bergen?

Well, seeing as he's my first patient, I'm kind of curious about that myself.

If that scar shows up in the wedding pictures, they'll never find your body.

report to the OR.

If you'll excuse me, I have lots to say.