Original subtitles

Hello.

Hello, my son.

Hello, my father.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You know, I can barely see you. Can we open the screen thing?

No, it doesn't open.

Now is the time when you confess your sin.

Oh, right. I guess that's why they call it a confessional.

I gotta stop doing that.

Well, um... I think I'm in love with my friend Sharon.

And I'm not sure how she feels.

I'm not even sure if I should say anything.

And what sin have you committed?

We can't.

It's not a sin.

Do I have to send to talk to you? I mean, can't we just chat?

Are you even Catholic?

Yeah. Really? No.

What are you doing?

Just thinking.

Toasting.

Are you just threatening the bread, or are you waiting for a call from the

governor?

Hey, Sharon.

Hey.

I think Johnny's cheating on me. What?

He's been acting really strange lately. He keeps on whispering into the phone.

So last night, after he hung up, I hit redial. It was the florist. I got a big

bouquet of nothing.

Sharon. Come on, why do you immediately assume the worst? You know, a lot of

floors are fronts for bookies.

Is your garbage disposal broken?

No, why?

A couple of mornings ago, I caught him sneaking out. He said he was coming down

here to fix your garbage disposal.

Oh, my God, he's cheating with Pete.

Come on, Cher, why would Johnny cheat on you? You're everything a guy would ever

want.

Oh, thank you, Pete.

It's all right, Cher, you know, I know guys, and Johnny, he's not the cheating

type. Really?

Yeah.

Okay. Maybe you're right.

I know I'm right.

I'll see you guys later.

Hey, Cher? Yeah?

I'm sure that's a very reasonable explanation.

Yeah.

Oh,

he's cheating on her.

Listen, Johnny, Sharon's our best friend. If we find out you're cheating

we're going to have to kick your butt.

You two are going to kick my butt.

We have friends.

I am not cheating on Sharon.

Right, Mickey.

I have taken on extra work so I can buy her an engagement ring.

An engagement ring as a match?

Yeah.

I'm going to propose to her this Saturday. You're going to propose?

You do know that her family lost all their money.

Okay. Is she pregnant?

Are you an illegal alien? Do you need a kidney?

I love her.

Congratulations!

Oh, and her family's loaded.

Are fleeting thoughts of murder sinful?

I'm not going to murder anyone. It's just that the girl that I think I'm in

with is about to be proposed to.

What should I do?

Nothing.

Then she might accept.

If it is God's will, then the Lord will find a way to bring you two together.

No, I'm going to stop.

Bird, what's with all this stuff?

Hey, I got this great idea for Johnny's proposal.

You know how Sharon's favorite movie is Cop the Blogger? Of course I know that.

And her favorite tree is spruce, and now her favorite fabric is chenille.

Okay. If there's ever a Sharon category on Jeopardy, you'll win.

I want to make the place look like Rick's. You know, you got the piano,

player over there, the roulette table in the corner.

Guys, guys, Sharon and Johnny are coming.

Damn, stop.

Brilliant, because I was just going to warn you and then hurry them in.

It's like a ray of sunshine.

No, strike that. It's more like a death ray.

Hey, Ashley.

Johnny, what are you doing? Hey, guys.

Why don't you join me? Oh, well, I think we're just going to... No, that's

great. Why don't you sit down and join Ashley while I run inside and take care

of something real quick?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm going to stick with you.

Like a little bitty bodyguard.

Well,

then, why don't we all sit down?

Oh, yeah. Great. Okay.

Here we go.

Right there.

That's nice.

I'll get us something to drink.

Guys. I can't shake her. She won't leave my side for a minute.

Oh, man.

I guess it wasn't meant to be.

What did you bring her here for?

Because I'm running out of time. I still have to get fitted for my white tux. I

still have to pick up the ring of the jewelers. And I still have to throw up

everything I've eaten in the last three days.

Guess what you're going to do, okay?

There's a back door that leads to the alley. Just make a break for it. She's

already suspicious.

If I ditch her now, she's going to hate me.

Big deal.

Once you propose, she'll feel horrible for not trusting you.

You win every argument for the first six months of marriage.

Good thinking.

and Johnny would never cheat on you. You're everything a guy could ever want.

Yeah, I know.

That's what Pete says.

Pete said that? Huh.

The nicest thing he ever said to me was, wow, that car nearly hit you.

Oh, Pete's so sweet.

I just hope the girl that he ends up with knows how lucky she is.

Johnny!

you tiptoeing through the bushes, and I have a brain.

Hey, nice job, guys. Look at them out there arguing.

That's a shame. I'll help you pack up the stuff.

What's wrong with you, Pete? Nothing. I'm just concerned about Sharon.

Don't worry. They'll be fine. The same thing happened to me the first time I

proposed to.

You never told me Justin proposed, that poor sap.

No, no, it wasn't Justin. It was another guy. You don't know him.

Oh. Well, how'd you let him down?

Well, we were in a restaurant, and he got down on his knee, and he said,

will you marry me?

And I said yes.

So what, you changed your mind before the wedding?

No.

Ashley, if this story doesn't end tragically, I'm going to be very upset.

I was married, okay? It was a mistake. It only lasted for seven months. Oh,

You're a divorcee.

You did get a divorce, didn't you?

Look, Bert, forget I said anything. I'm sorry I brought it up.

I'm done.

I, uh...

You think your world is one way. You think you know someone.

And all along, they're keeping this huge secret from you. It's what the person

you're closest to, you don't even know at all. I'm in love with Sharon.

Dude!

How can you be in love with Sharon?

You guys are just friends, okay? There's never been anything even remotely

romantic between you two. I know, I know. Oh, except for when we kissed on

Valentine's Day.

What?

What? You know, I mean, Johnny and Sharon broke up, and she was upset, and

wearing that really sexy dress. No, stop noticing what she's wearing.

How could you two do this to someone so wonderful? Oh, I know, I know, and I

feel terrible about Johnny. Not Johnny, I'm talking about me.

If you two are together, where does that leave me? Huh?

I'll tell you where.

Out.

Bert, you'll never be out. Fair. First thing you say to someone who's out.

It was one kiss and nothing's happened since.

See, this is why nobody tells you anything.

No, no.

You said you were in love.

I am.

And Sharon, I don't know. We haven't discussed it.

Good.

Good, because once it's out there, you can't take it back.

You'll tell me you love her, and she'll say she loves you, but just as friends.

And then it's going to be awkward, and we'll all stop hanging out together, and

with my busy schedule, I just don't have time to make new friends.

Yes, and what if you're wrong?

What if you're wrong? Johnny's going to propose to her, and what, I'm supposed

to let the woman that I'm meant to be with just slip away?

No, no, you're not in love with Sharon. Yes, I am. No, you're not. You're just

afraid.

You're afraid. You're afraid that you're not going to find anyone of your own.

But I'm here to tell you that you will.

You will.

And in the meantime, don't screw it up for them. And by them, I mean me.

Okay.

I've calmed her down, but I've got to go pick up that ring.

Pete, I need you to take Sharon off my hands for a while. On my way. No!

I mean, no.

I'll do it.

Here, you've got to get this place out of the way.

Pete can do that.

Oh, you know, sadly, I don't work here anymore, so... Oh, I guess I'm stuck

Darren. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second, okay? You stay here, and Pete,

go get the ring, all right?

Is he going to get fitted for my tux, too?

So your pants will be a little short... and tight.

You stay here and decorate. You take Sharon. Take her rollerblading. She

rollerblading. Pete, Johnny, you coming outside?

No, I have to stay here.

Why?

Johnny has to help Berg lift up the freezer. Yeah.

Why? I don't know. You have to do it every six months.

So, uh, you'll hang out with me.

So you're gonna stay here with Berg?

Absolutely. Yeah, right here.

Yeah, I'll see you in a couple of hours.

Okay.

I want you to take a picture of him next to that clock.

every 15 minutes.

Remember, Pete, once it's out there, you can't take it back.

Thank you, Pete.

I'll never forget this.

Maybe in time.

I thought you hated rollerblading. I do.

Donnie's the one who loves rollerblading.

Look at this guy.

Show off.

Pin him and twirl him.

Hope he twirls into a bus.

What? He?

Who, me?

I was thinking open trench.

Johnny never makes fun of other people. He's too nice.

Do you really feel that way or are you just mad at him?

No, I really feel that way sometimes.

Why?

No, no reason.

Oh, hey, look. You're right.

Oh, wow, wow.

Oh, what a beautiful ring.

I think it's real plastic.

It looks plastic -plated.

I remember how much time we spent at this fountain freshman year. Yeah, yeah.

You used to drag me out of bed at all hours on the night.

Cry on your shoulder when I was just miserable.

Those were some great times.

I mean, you know what I mean.

You've always been there for me.

Sometimes I feel closer to you than anybody else.

I think you really feel that way, haven't I?

I really, really feel that way.

Yeah, why?

I don't know the reason.

No, what? No, no, no, let's make a wish.

Okay, got some change?

I shall not let you... People better fuck away!

There's something I want to tell you.

Okay.

Um, you know how, uh, you know how you're saying that we have more in

than you and Johnny do?

I know. I know. I don't know what I'm going to do about him. Yeah, I know.

driving me crazy. You know, I've never felt like this about anyone.

I'm sick over this.

I don't know. I don't know. I guess I must really love him.

Please, please tell me he's not sleeping on me.

This is why you will always be my best friend.

I'm lucky that way

Hi, Bert.

Well, all the pizza joints and all the college towns and all the...

How does the rest of that stupid thing go?

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner that I've been married, but listen, if

it makes you feel any better, I was with Justin for four years, and I never told

him.

Oh, well, then I guess I win.

That's my past.

I'm with you now. Let me ask you something, Ashley.

How am I supposed to have a relationship with you when I'm only thinking I'm

about to have the rug pulled out?

I mean, don't let the tough veneer fool you. I'm quite fragile.

So, Ashley, if you have any more bombs you want to drop on me, do it now.

Okay, well, actually, there is one other thing, but...

Oh, God, it's a little embarrassing. No, no, no, I'd rather you tell me now than

find out later. Okay, fine.

Here, God.

The man that I was married to, well, he was my brother.

What?

It's really not as bad as it sounds. No, we weren't blood related. He was my

stepbrother on account of, as you know, I was grown in a laboratory.

Oh!

had me going there. This is all a joke.

You were never even married before.

Yes, I was.

Come on, honey.

We were young.

And we thought we were in love.

I can't change that.

But hey, if you think about it, I'm still the same Ashley.

It's just that now I've told you about the biggest mistake of my life that you

can handle right now.

I'm sorry.

Whoa,

whoa, we gotta get out of here. Johnny's gonna propose in an hour. Oh, God, poor

Pete.

He's gonna be so heartbroken.

You know about Pete and Sharon?

Well, doesn't everyone? It's pretty obvious.

It's ludicrous, is what it is, because Sharon only loved Pete as a friend. And

what's a better basis for love and marriage than friendship? Sex, money, an

alliance between kingdoms.

Sharon is in love with Johnny. I'm sure she is.

But doesn't she have a right to know how Pete feels about her, too? Then it

would be her choice.

But... But... I put a lot of work in here.

Pete, what are you doing? We've got to get down to the pizza place.

No, Burke, it's over. I didn't tell Sharon anything.

How could you not tell her?

Because she's in love with Johnny.

Who's to say she's not in love with you, too?

You!

What about all that stuff about screwing everything up for the three of us? It's

a chance that I'm willing to take. Wait, wait, wait. See, I'm not willing to

take that chance. Johnny's gonna propose any minute, Pete.

You two are my best friends. I love you both. And if you guys are meant to be

together, then all the better. Wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

You know, given enough time and opportunity, you're a good friend.

You ready? You ready?

Yeah, okay, okay. Sharon should be here any sec.

Oh, no.

Laughter.

What happened? What did she say?

Uh, well, she said, um, oh, God.

And, um, and then she ran away.

Hey, maybe she's taking a victory lap.