All language subtitles for two_guys_and_a_girl_s02e21_a_girl_and_barenaked_ladies

Hey, Pete, when you're done taking the
beer's pulp, check its blood pressure.

No, no, no, check it out. Look, it takes
exactly 32 seconds to fill up a pitcher

of beer. 27 seconds for dark beer,
because there's less foam.

That means I can clear a plate and serve
a pizza and still have two seconds left

before the pitchers are full.

Isn't that great?

When you say great, you mean like in a
great tragedy or a great waste of time.

Come on, man.

Look, you get to go to the hospital
every day and save lives, you know? I've

been through four years of undergrad,
two years of architecture school, and I

serve pizza. You know what? I serve it
well. I serve it cheerfully.

Who's that?

That's my life.

Where are you going?

My life sucks.

Watch it.

was not part of his plan. He would like
the opportunity to sell out to the man.

The Arnold of the 90s is not where he
wants to be.

Aging in a teacher joint like a second
-rate Fonzie.

Oh, Ashley.

Wow, I like that perfume.

Thanks. What is it, brimstone?

Well, Pete, that's funny.

My gosh, with a sense of humor like
that, you could be more than just a

guy.

You could be the funny pizza guy.

Hey, honey, aren't you ready? We're
going to be late.

Where are you going?

Just out. The manicurist.

Now, listen, nothing too trashy, Berg,
all right? I don't want a lot of sailors

hanging around.

I'm not going to get my nail done, okay?
I'm going because... Because, Ashley,

why the hell am I going?

Because if I'm in the beauty shop by
myself, then people will talk to me.

Now, if I'm with a friend, then those
people can't engage me in meaningless

-chat.

Now, hurry up so we can go.

Hey, Sharon.

Hey, Ashley.

Ashley is introducing Berg to the ultra
book world of manicure.

I'm sick.

I'm sick of having to do everything with
Ashley. I just wish she had a

girlfriend.

Yeah, right.

Where's Ashley going to find a friend?
Hello?

we talk about? You know anything about
witchcraft?

Just talk about girl talk, girl talk.

Hey, Dougie Berg, you ready?

Yes.

I guess.

Um, Ashley, listen, I need to get my
nails done, too. Why don't just you and

go?

Oh.

Are you sure you want to come to my
shop? They're not very good.

Just about the nails, right? I mean,
it's really more about us two girls

talking, you know?

Girl talk.

Well, fine.

But I don't want to be late, so don't
take too long changing your clothes.

Oh, I don't need to change. I'll just
wear this.

Oh.

Well, let's get this over with.

Karen is going to make you pay.

Big time.

Totally worth it.

Hey, do you think this color would look
good on me?

No.

Ooh, what about this one?

Not as good as the first.

Well, is there any color that you think
would look good on me?

Hmm, I don't know. I mean, with your
skin tone, it's a little hard to find a

color that doesn't wash you out.

have this problem?

I mean, you're awfully pale.

Look, Sharon, I'm sorry. I'm just in
such a bad mood. I've never had a

that didn't want to spend the day with
me. I've known Bert a long time, and I

found it's best not to force him to do
anything he doesn't want to do. What do

you mean?

Well, he just pouts and whines and gets
red in the face when he doesn't get his

way. Really?

I thought that's what he did when he
wanted sex.

Shouldn't say anything.

But you're gonna, right? Oh, yeah.

I'm Pete Dunville. Thank you for taking
the time. My pleasure.

Well, this should be easy.

According to your aptitude test, you're
most suited for a career in

architecture.

Yeah, I studied architecture, and I
hated it. Too bad.

It also says you have a high aptitude
for food service.

I work at a pizza place, and, you know,
I hate that too.

I'm beginning to see a pattern.

I'm a college grad, you know, and I want
a college grad job. I'm looking for a

career.

Okay, forget the test. There's an
opening for a therapist trainee.

Therapist?

People always say I'm a good talker.

I think it's really more about
listening.

I'm sorry, what?

Listening. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then you get to respond, right? All

right. You know what? This might be
exactly what I'm looking for.

Now, this doesn't involve needles, does
it?

You think it was a bad idea for me to
pawn Ashley off on Sharon like that?

Listen to this.

As a therapist, you should always let
the patient know that you understand how

they feel.

I feel bad.

Like I just put two cats in a bag and
sent them off to get their claws done.

See, I understand how you feel.

Thanks, man.

I'm lying. I have no idea how you feel.

I can do this.

Hey, guys. Hey. So what do you think?

Ooh, just like Freddy Krueger's.

How did those share?

I actually had a pretty nice time.

Really? Yeah. It turns out that we have
a lot more in common than we thought.

Leslie?

Leslie's my middle name.

I thought Eugene was your middle name.

Yeah, no.

Leslie's a girl's name.

What else did you two talk about? I
don't know. Girl talk. You know,

girl, I'm a girl. Leslie's a girl's
name.

Before we get started, let's welcome one
of our trainees to our group.

This is Pete.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, people, I need about ten minutes, so
Pete's going to get the session going,

and I'll join you in a bit.

Um, um, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

You sure you want me to do this?

Listen, Pete, it's easy.

I'd leave a tape recorder in charge, but
it can't nod.

Hey, people.

So, uh, I don't know. Let's get started.
Oh, wait, you know what?

I think it's fair to tell you that I've
never actually been a facilitator

before. Well, that inspires confidence.

You know what? Let's start with you.

I'm Mary.

I'm manic depressive, but I haven't seen
the, you know, manic part in two years.

Right.

On second thought, let's start with you.

My name is Kevin.

Coming to group has really helped me
keep my rage under control.

Yeah, why don't you tell our facilitator
about the time you accidentally pet

your cat too hard?

She bit me.

But it's okay.

Okay.

And you?

Tom Lewis.

Hey, Lewis. I have a way of pushing
people's buttons.

Oh, really? How's that?

Well, what are you doing here? Too big
of a loser to find a real job.

You're good.

It's a gift.

My roommate would love you. And, uh...
And how about you?

Kim never says anything.

Right, I see.

And Kim... Kim?

Kim?

Kim, why is that?

If I spoke, I would tell you you're an
idiot.

All right, Lewis, I knew that was you.

Um, so that brings us back to, um...

and my father passing away and losing my
parakeet when my apartment burned down.

It's difficult for me to get through the
day. Yeah, yeah. You see, I know... I

know how you feel.

You know, ever since grad school, I've
been doing nothing but, you know,

floundering.

I don't think it's the same thing.

I don't know, Mary. Floundering's
floundering.

You know what? I think I'm getting the
hang of this now. You know, we're all

here for each other.

Oh, we are? Mm -hmm. We're here to help
one another. Oh, good. Good. Kevin, can

I borrow your comb?

Lewis.

Okay, Kevin.

All right. Now, you know what?

Let it out.

Give, you're in charge.

Ashley stuff about me.

Ow!

We didn't talk about you!

I still cry when I see Bambi.

Okay, we do.

You know, Ashley can really be quite
funny when she's making fun of other

people. Hilarious, you know. I had to
spend all of last night listening to

Be Afraid, Leslie.

Bambi'll make it out of the forest fire.

It's like being mocked by Katharine
Hepburn.

I'm afraid of moths.

Hey, I was on a roll.

Oh, by the way, the manicures are dying
to meet you.

No, Mr. Stenswood, it's hopeless. I'm
never going to find a career.

Can I make another pitch for
architecture?

It's a nice living. I want more than
just a nice living. You know, I want a

that I feel passionate about.

A job that's more than a means to an
end.

You know, a job, at the end of the day,
I can say, I'm complete, you know?

Pete's complete.

Hey, look, there's complete Pete.

Well, I've got great news. You can stop
looking.

There's no such job.

What? Don't you think we all want that?

You know, I didn't start off as a career
counselor.

I want it to be an auctioneer.

No, no, no, no. See, with your voice,
I'm thinking more like the movie phone

guy, you know, or, oh, oh, the person on
the other end when you call time.

But those are just recordings.

Well, let's face it. Live is not really
your strength.

Do me a favor.

Read.

You've got mail.

I think we have a winner.

Not now. We're on a break.

Hey, Bert. Hey, Johnny. Oh, jeez.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Have you seen Ashley around?

Uh, maybe she's with Sharon. You know
how those two girls are when they get

together? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Like, do a little bit. Yeah, I get it.

So, you're throwing a football around
out there? Yeah, me and some buddies.

That's great. Listen, has Sharon ever
told you about the time she woke up

in a men's gym?

I don't gossip.

Hey, guys.

Hey, there's Ashley.

You can girl talk with her.

Watch out for her. There's a moth.

Okay, good one. Oh, come on, Berg. I
thought everything was funny to you.

Well, it's not.

Okay, so I had a bad experience with
moths.

I cried at Bambi, and so what if I
stuttered in high school?

What? Yeah, yeah, I bet you and Sharon
had a good chuckle over that.

No, Sharon didn't say anything about
stuttering.

She did.

a stutter?

Do you know why I never talk about my
high school friends?

No. No, because I didn't have any. Oh,
come on. You?

Me. Yeah.

You know how there's always one kid in
the class that everyone picks on?

My stuttering was so bad, I couldn't
even pick on him.

When the teacher didn't feel like
working that day, she'd have me say the

of Allegiance.

Once I almost drowned playing Marco
Polo.

Oh, there you go.

There you go. Come on. I'm at my
weakest. Take your best shot. Let's go.

Hey, Barb.

I'm really glad I heard that from you
instead of Sharon.

You know, there's nothing more
attractive than a man who's willing to

Did you know that Sharon woke up drunk
in a men's gym?

Hey, Sharon.

Hey, Ashley.

Oh, listen, I was just talking to
Mothboy. Oh, oh.

Hey, Sharon, um, you know, I was
thinking, maybe we shouldn't focus our

conversation so much on Berg.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

I mean, hey, there's tons of other stuff
we could talk about.

Of course.

Or we could just talk about Berg and
keep it to ourselves.

Oh, I like that.

Hey. Hey, Pete. So, how's life after
sanctions from the American Mental

Association?

Well, not as bad as you might think.
Turns out I got my career counselor a

with a major auto manufacturer.

He's now the guy that says, ding, ding,
ding, ding, your lights are on.

But now you are looking at the new
counselor for the Boston Metro

Agency.

Congratulations. Yeah, yeah. Turns out
that I can find work, but just for other

people.

Part -time or full?

Ding, ding, ding. You've got a career.

Yeah. So I guess you're going to have
to... Yeah, yeah. I actually came down

here to tell you I'm quitting.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course you are. I mean,
you know, you're not in school anymore

like me and you got yourself a real job.
So that's great. That's great. Yeah.

Wow.

Man, I...

We had some great times here, didn't we?
Best.

We practically grew up in this place,
you know?

What's weird is I thought I'd be happy
when this day came.

Yeah. It's funny, huh?

I'll tell you, Pete.

This place, this place is not going to
be the same without you.

I'm going to miss you, man.

I'm going to miss you too, man.

Bye, Brooke.

Bye, buddy.

So I'll see you at home? Yeah, see you.

So long, pepperoni.

So long, parmesan cheese.

So long to begging for tips when you're
down on one bended knee.

Well, you want a career, so you got a
career.

And we're sure everything will be fine.

But if it all comes crashing down...

What work are you fellas looking for?

We'd like to be in a band.

Come on, what kind of career is that?
You know, you need to get something

stable. You know? Hey, do you ever think
about data processing?

It's the wave of the future.

No, but we're really, really good. I
mean, check this out. Two, three, four.