Original subtitles

Hey, Bert, help me with this mirror. Yeah, you look at the shiny side.

What do you say, Johnny?

You want to help Pete hang the mirror?

Or do you want to go back to bed?

Hey, sweetie Petey. Hi, Irene.

Irene, can I talk to you for a sec? Okay, one second.

Time's up.

That's very funny.

Listen, I've been having this problem, and I keep asking for help, but nobody

will. Well, no, the important thing is you're asking.

That's the first step.

Okay.

You see, I've been staring into this mirror all morning, and I don't know

to do. It sounds heavy.

It is. It's way too much for me to handle alone.

So I was thinking maybe you could help me.

Me? Yeah. You're coming to me?

Well, I mean, to be perfectly honest, you're the closest one to me.

Oh, Pete.

I had no idea you felt that way.

Oh, no, I mean...

It's okay.

Irene will make it all better.

Great news, Pete. Here comes your new best friend, Irene.

I swear, I met the closest person to me geographically. Like right now, you're

the closest person to me.

Oh, Pete, I feel the same way.

Hey, Pete.

Hi, Irene.

What you got there? A whole handful of happies for the next time you can't find

your smile.

See you later, hot potato.

Hold on a sec. Let me just... I mean... Yeah, look. Comedy and tragedy.

I gotta clear this up tomorrow.

Where's Johnny?

It's with Sean again.

I'm telling you. That girl is after him.

You know, you're just being paranoid, all right? To Johnny, Sean's just a

A hot, sexy buddy.

Hey,

baby. Hey.

Sorry for such a mess. We're supposed to be playing touch football, but for some

reason, my nephew's, like, tackling Sean.

You should have come, Sharon. It was fun.

That's okay. You get to play ball with Johnny, then he and I get to hit the

showers. That reminds me, I better get out of these clothes before the mud

and I have to hose me off.

There are so many wonderful things about that sentence.

Great game.

Thanks. So,

you want to hit those showers?

Never.

Can't be mad.

Try me, meat.

Oh, Sharon, honey, come on, don't be silly. You know you're the only girl for

me. Okay, okay, I know I'm being silly. It's just that I just think it would be

easier on me if Sean had somebody, too. Her mom's been trying to set her up for

years. She has a very tough date.

Come on, it could be somebody.

What?

Okay, see, this is a disaster.

I tried to talk to Sean the whole time in line. We have nothing in common.

Come on. You haven't even given her a chance.

I agreed to the movie she picked, didn't I? A bunch of British guys in powdered

wigs trying to scam on some pale chicks.

It hasn't even started yet, and I'm already dreadfully bored.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry it took so long. Sean wanted to wait for a fresh batch of popcorn.

I had to talk her out of leaving.

Oh, great.

This chair's all lumpy. Yeah, I know.

That's why I moved to this one.

I'm kidding, okay? You want to switch seats?

No.

What's up her butt?

A spring.

God, I mean, get her talking about herself. People like that.

Shh.

Previews are starting.

Preview chat is okay.

So, Sean, Sharon tells me that you work in a restaurant.

Yeah.

Svoboda's fine Slavic cuisine.

Oh, I didn't know you were allowed to use the words Slavic cuisine and fine in

the same sentence.

That's funny.

I'll have to tell it to my parents, who own the place.

I'm dying.

And your head's too big for your body.

I've got something for you. Here. Happy early Valentine's Day.

You shouldn't have.

It's a coupon book of personal favors. From Irene to Pete.

And the good ones are in the back.

Oh, God, Irene, we have to talk. Oh, yay!

But first, let me show you how it works. This one entitled you to a

complimentary back rub.

Could I get the cash equivalent?

Are you silly? I love...

That's too hard. I know. Gosh, it was just one big knot. Now let's knead,

knead that knot so you don't need that bad old knot.

Okay, well, the other day when I was over there, I didn't say what I wanted

say. Okay, what did you want to say?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Okay, okay.

That's it. I rub you.

Oh, my God. Pete, I love you, too.

What? I love you, too.

I never thought this day would come.

Come.

May I just walk any lower?

You know, berg and puddle.

Tonight was weird.

How do you mean?

I mean, usually you're one of the guys, and tonight you were... girl.

I don't know, the date.

Well, it's nice of you to know that.

Jealous? No, of course not.

No.

Anyway, I guess you and Berg didn't really hit it off.

Actually, Berg and I had a terrific time.

We did?

Hey, look at that. We did.

This worked out great. We should do it again sometime.

Great. What about Sunday?

Sure. Okay.

Sunday's Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day, Johnny.

Even better. The four of us can have dinner at my family's restaurant.

What do you say, Bert? Huh?

I mean, sure, that sounds, uh... Sure.

Sherry, what do you say? Hey, anything for the cause.

Can't wait.

Johnny,

they're not a nature film. Come on.

Good night, Johnny.

So, where were we?

Good night.

What?

Burke. Hi, Pete. Hi, Burke.

Hi, Irene.

Could you give us a minute?

to rescue him.

I was getting pretty uncomfortable.

I thought you were going to set her straight. I tried, but she was torturing

with this back rub, so I said, I rub you, and she thought I said, I love you.

Then you cleverly cleared up that misunderstanding by making out.

I didn't want to be rude.

So, uh, how did your date with Sean go?

Oh, you know, it was pretty typical.

Dinner, movie, he's in love with Johnny.

Whoa!

She said... No.

No, not in so many words, but when I went to kiss her, she ran away.

Well, according to that theory, a lot of women are in love with Johnny.

Pete, I'm serious.

Look, I'm in the movies with her. I'm arctic. I'm dead. I got nothing.

Then, we walk in there, Johnny's watching, and suddenly, she pins me up

the wall and tries to lick the back of my neck from the front.

But the minute Johnny goes back upstairs...

I'm back to being Mr. Freeze.

Maybe she needs an audience.

Listen to me, all right? She was just doing it to make Johnny jealous.

Sharon was right, and you know what?

I'm going to tell her she was right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on. You ruined the relationship.

You got to be absolutely sure.

Okay, you got to come with the four of us on Valentine's Day. Make sure I'm not

crazy. Oh, yeah. I want to be the fifth wheel on Valentine's Day. Fifth wheel

nothing.

Hey, Irene, Pete wants to know if you'll be his valentine. Would I?

So, Pete,

you haven't said anything about my sweater.

I really wear my heart on my sleeve.

See? Heart.

Sleeve.

Thank you. Thank you so much for dragging me here.

Where's Sean, anyway?

Well, she'll be here. You just keep an eye on her and tell me I'm not right.

Flower lady, 12 o 'clock.

Johnny! Hey, Mrs. S. Happy Valentine's Day.

This is my girl, Sharon.

Well, you always knew how to pick them. Welcome to the family. Thank you. Oh,

don't tell me.

and a pleasure to meet you. Well, the pleasure is all mine, Doctor.

My unburied daughter will be out in a second. She's in the kitchen fixing

something special.

Sean! The Doctor's here!

Hey, everyone.

Whoa. My God, Sean. I've never seen you in a dress before.

And yet, she's wearing one tonight.

You like it? I wore it special for Berg. And I made pierogi. Oh, my favorite.

The Berg.

They're great together.

I don't know who I'm happier for.

Berg, Sean, or me.

I think it's me.

Your table's ready.

You see, this woman is shameless.

Shameless wearing sexy dresses and making me special food.

You're right. You're right. You know what? If she tries to make John Annie

jealous, you might wind up sleeping with her.

But in a previous life, we were pioneer lovers.

Um, here. I'd like you to read me one of my coupons.

Fifteen minutes of quiet time.

You're such a silly!

Wow. All that time, true love, right in front of you. That's real romance.

Uh, that's not to say you can't meet somebody new and instantly connect with

them, too.

Like Johnny and me.

Or Bergen me.

Flower for the lady on Valentine's Day? Oh, yeah, I'd love one.

How much are they? Eight dollars.

Johnny!

Oh, this is sweet.

You know what? Why doesn't the woman ever buy a flower for the man?

One for my date, please.

And five for mine?

Look at that, Pete. Sean bought me a flower.

Irene bought me five.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Happy Valentine's Day, Berg.

Happy Valentine's Day, Petey. No.

Well, we just use our love to keep us warm.

No, I'm serious. It's cold. Okay.

So, what are the specials?

You know what? Johnny, before you sit down, could you get mine? I'm a little

chilly.

I'll get you first, too.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Okay.

I think you're right. I think Sean does like Johnny. She stops kissing you every

time he leaves the table. It's okay. He's back now.

No.

Berg. Berg, she's doing that just to make Johnny jealous.

So?

No relationship's perfect.

Berg, you have to put an end to this for Sharon.

Fine, fine.

I'll talk to Sean.

I hope you and Irene are very happy in your little house in the prairie.

What is it?

Nothing, nothing. I just thought it might be nice to spend some time alone

Valentine's Day.

Yeah, let's get back to the table.

You're in love with him, aren't you?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not in love with Johnny.

I didn't say who it was.

Berg, you're out of your mind. Think about what you're doing.

Johnny and Sharon are in love.

Good for them? Yeah.

Yeah, good for them.

Unless you learn to be happy for them, it's just going to eat away at you until

you become an angry, bitter, yet incredibly beautiful woman.

Are you done? No, no, I'm not done.

And part of you using me to make Johnny jealous while I'm putting a dot to that

first thing tomorrow morning.

48 hearts, 49 hearts, and 50 hearts.

I can't believe no one guessed 50.

And, Petey, you were way off.

Yeah, Pete, a hundred million. What were you thinking?

Oh, good, you're back.

I would like to make a toast.

Berg, Sean, I have to admit that when I originally set you two up, I did it for

the wrong reason. I never actually thought it would work out, and you seem

happy. Well, set down the hatch.

Wait, I want to save it.

Anyway, um...

appropriate on Valentine's Day is that if two people are meant to be together,

it doesn't matter how it happens. It just matters that they find each other.

To love. To love.

John,

you okay?

He's fine.

He's just so happy.

So why do people cry when they're happy? I'm happy when I'm happy.

Honey, what's the matter?

Bird, what did you say to her? Nothing.

We didn't say anything.

Bird,

cover your face.

No, leave him alone. I love him, Johnny.

I think you owe me an apology.

Johnny.

You know, I think I'm going to try the Krepnik.

Ed, you cannot see Sean anymore.

Did you hear me? Yeah, I heard you.

How can I not hang out with her? I mean, she's my best friend.

I'm supposed to be your best friend. Yes, you are, but...

you? No.

I don't know. I mean, I've never really thought about it. I've never thought of

Sean like that.

Well, maybe you should take some time to think about it. No, Johnny, get your

stuff out of my apartment and you can call me when you figure out what you

Sharon, listen.

I'm sorry.

I bought you some chocolates.

It's okay, Sharon.

We're all here for you.

You are among friends.

I think you'll feel better if you just let it out.

I'm sorry.

Oh, but look, look.

This entitles me to one act of forgiveness.

You okay?

Yeah.

No.

So?

Comes an end to the holiday trifecta.

Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day, also known as the misery season.

It's a spring and all of its possibilities are here.

Well, if you guys will excuse me, I have a class early in the morning.

You sure you're okay?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I tipped Mrs. Swoboda like nothing.

If I wouldn't have pushed Berg on Shaw, none of this would have happened.

Come on, Shaw.

He and Johnny will get back together.

What if we don't? Then, you know what? It wasn't meant to be.

And there'll be somebody else out there who's even better for you.

Thanks, Pete.

And if there's not, you'll always have me.

I'm so sorry.

Well, that caps off an interesting evening.

The way I thought it would end?

Not exactly the way I thought it would end. Well...

Who can I be?

Oh,

hey, Sheriff.

Happy Valentine's Day.

The gift?

Oh, it's for Irene.

I kind of feel bad about what happened.

That's nice.

You know Irene.

She's probably forgotten all about it by now. Yeah, I know.

Maybe now's not the right time.