Original subtitles

Hey, Pete.

Hey, Bert.

What's going on back there? Sharon came up with a great promotional idea. It's a

caption contest.

Whoever comes up with the best caption for the poster gets a free pizza.

So, what's the poster?

Oh, oh, oh. Yesterday on your way out of your apartment, you said I could grab a

beer. Yeah. And as I was looking through your sock drawer, I stumbled across

this.

Come on. So I modeled in an underwear ad. It was four years ago. I needed the

money. He hit bean town with big dreams, only to get trapped in the seedy world

of sexy sleepwear.

Introducing Michael Bergen as Troy.

This isn't funny. Actually, I believe I have evidence to the contrary.

Look, we are in the dictionary under geeks.

See, I told you Shakespeare was easier to understand without pants.

Friendship is sharing.

That was mine.

Put a sock in it.

Oh, I like that one. Berg, you just might win this caption contest after

You know not with whom you mess.

Yeah, I like the torch, sister.

Let the games begin.

realize he would be so bugged by this.

Crazy wild!

Come on, Mike. What's the matter? You're supposed to rush the field and put me

on your shoulders.

Nothing.

That's funny. You don't like the room?

No, no, no. This is great. It's just, you know, I've got this dance at school.

So you're afraid to ask a girl?

No. Girls are lining up.

Susie Snyder already asked me.

So what's the problem?

This whole stupid dancing thing.

Oh, come on. You can dance.

I'm not going to go. No, no, no. You can't not go.

Hey, you like hockey?

Yeah. Look, adaptions kind of like being a goalie. Okay?

Right? All right.

All right?

Sometimes, sometimes you got to move to your right side.

Sometimes you got to move to your left side. Your right side, your left side.

Right? Someone shoots, you got to block the shot with your right arm.

Right? Someone shoots, you got to block the shot with your left arm.

Okay? All right? Come on, try it.

All right? All right?

You block the shot with your right arm.

Your left arm.

Who's behind me? Who's behind me?

Now watch this.

Oh, it's Gretzky skating around the net. Woo!

All right.

Great. Yeah.

And that's how you handle yourself in a street fight, so... Thanks, Pete.

Mom, can I walk over to Susie's?

Sure.

Wow. So he's going?

Well, you were so good with him. And this is... Oh, thank you so much. Oh,

don't have to thank me for doing this stuff.

I love this, and I love being with you, and I love you.

You face, and you hair, and...

It's okay.

I love you, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Did you ever make out in Fenway Park?

You've seen this man's pan.

Okay, that one's pretty good.

Hey, Bert.

Hey. Guess what's wrong with my life now.

What's that?

Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Caitlin said she loved me. That's great. Did she say anything about me?

No. We were painting Michael's room, and I taught him the hockey dance. Oh, no.

Block the shot, catch the buck.

Right, right, exactly.

And then Caitlin came in, and it was perfect.

We said we loved each other.

I think she might be the one.

So far, so far that one has been, um, everyone.

Berg, look, this time, this time it's different.

You know, I mean, maybe I'm maturing. Maybe I'm reaching that point in my life

where I want to start a family.

You wouldn't be starting a family. You'd be joining one already in progress.

All I know is ever since I quit architecture, I was floundering. But

I started seeing Caitlin and Michael, you know, I feel like my life is back on

track.

Good.

Good. You know, it seems like your problems are over. Yeah.

For a couple weeks.

Cher, nice outfit. Did a rainbow throw up on you?

You look almost as cute as Stephanie Hansler.

My God, what made you bring up her name? I haven't heard her name since high

school.

That's strange, because according to your high school yearbook, you guys were

going to be best friends forever.

Oh, Bert, you're stealing.

It's tragic when underwear models go bad.

The bunny rabbit is toying with the python.

Give it up, Bird. You know you didn't find anything embarrassing in there. You

know, you're right. You're right. You know, you actually look very cute in the

11th grade. Thank you. However, in the 10th grade, your pictures

cut out.

Oh, yeah.

Some modeling agency wanted it.

Uh -huh.

You know, I also noticed that you...

You went from chef club treasurer in the 10th grade to head cheerleader in the

11th. Now, those of us who went to high school know that that just doesn't

happen.

Monberg, you're never going to find anything here.

You're right. You know, I'm not going to find anything... here.

Welcome to Brookville.

birthplace of novelty poop, and Sharon Carter.

Any luck?

Uh, no, no, nothing, although I was fascinated to learn that you have the

world's roundest leg.

It's the yearbook you asked for. Oh, great, great, thank you.

Thank you.

goodness, is that Vice Principal Svensson. Oh, I see how young he looks.

never been married.

Thank you.

Oh, look how pretty Rachel Powell

is. Now she's a big city whore.

Thank you.

Okay. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Here it is.

Damn it. This one's cut out, too.

Sharon Carterwood. Now, that's odd.

Why? She was here this morning.

And she checked out the same book, Small World.

Oh, Small World. Yes.

She was here.

Yes. Oh, she's such a sweet girl. Yes. Most of her personalities are sweet. But

stay away from Daryl.

I can help you.

You knew her?

We dated in the 10th grade.

Then she dumped me in the 11th.

What went on in the 11th grade?

11th grade, uh... Let's see.

First period, I had American history.

Nope.

What about Sharon?

Oh, okay.

Uh, let's see. First period, she had home ec.

Would she hide it? Why is her picture cut out of the yearbook?

Oh.

Probably because of the way she used to look.

Well, how did she look?

Well, uh, it's just something you really gotta see.

I can't see. She's destroyed every picture of herself.

Not the one I keep.

Man, is it funny looking.

Can you get me a copy of that picture? Look, I need that picture. I gotta have

it.

It's for a children's charity.

Yeah, okay, I can get you a copy of that picture. Yeah, but it's gonna cost you.

Big time.

How big?

Twenty bucks.

Ten now, and another eight when I deliver the photo.

Deal.

I'm Burke.

Gilbert. Pleased to meet you. Wow, you're pretty brave. Most people don't

my hand on septic tank day.

home and change.

I don't want to embarrass Michael and be late for the dance tonight. I'm doing

you a favor, all right? None of the cool fifth graders show up till 6 .30.

Hey, Bert.

How was Brookville?

Do you have any pictures of your trip or were they all cut out?

Oh, I couldn't find a one.

Oh, that's too bad.

By the way, Gilbert says hi.

He said nothing because there is nothing to say.

But he is bringing me a picture from your chess club days.

Checkmate.

Oh, yeah, Burke, I'm real nervous.

Out of my way!

Oh, man, look at you, you little suit, you little wingtip. You are so cute.

You look like a tiny Robert Wagner.

And thank you for dropping them off, whoever you are.

I'm Tom, Michael's father.

Oh, you're Michael's... Oh, yeah, I'm Michael's... I'm Michael's Pete.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm only in town for the afternoon, so I thought

I would take Michael and his little friend Susie out to dinner and then to

dance. He's got a DeLorean. It's so cool.

The door's open like this.

Wow,

that... Sounds a lot better than the Crosstown bus I was going to take him

The doors open like this.

Thanks,

Pete. Come on.

Okay, Tom.

Have fun with Michael.

Hey, Pete.

I'm going to go meet a janitor in an alley.

Want to come?

No, I'm going to the movies with Caitlin.

No, you should be going to the dance with Michael. I mean, who does that Tom

think he is anyway?

His father?

His father. His father. Everybody's always concerned about the father. Well,

what about the guy who's dating the mother? What about him?

I agree.

It's completely and totally backwards.

Until society realizes that parents are not important, then that's just the way

it's going to be.

You're right. You're right. Good.

I mean, I don't have any rights.

Exactly, Pete.

I mean, I'm not family.

I gotta ask her to marry me.

I'm sorry, I missed the last part.

When Caitlin gets here, I'm gonna ask her to marry me. I mean, it'll solve

everything, right?

Great!

Great! Oh, my God!

Congratulations! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! Are you nuts?

You've only known her for a month.

So what?

I'm ready to start a family now. I mean, why wait?

Don't do it. You're going to look like a fool.

Good, then we'll be twins.

Yeah, listen.

I have one thing I have to do first.

Now, I know that this is bad, okay? But when it's right, it's right. So,

Caitlin, will you marry me?

Why? Did I knock you out?

Oh, my God.

You're serious.

Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm very uncomfortable.

If you'll excuse me.

You know what? I think... I think... No, no, I know. This is the worst moment of

my life.

He... Pete, I love you, but I'm not ready to even think about marriage.

We've only known each other a month.

That's what I said.

I know.

I know, but you have to admit, I mean, we are great together, and I would be a

great dad to Michael.

Michael already has a dad.

Why is everyone obsessed with the dad?

Tom may not have been the best husband, but he's an awfully good father.

Yes, but... So?

Maybe we should take a little break.

Just because you don't want to marry me, now you don't want to date?

Come on, help me out here.

Pete, sit down. Sit down.

We're just in two different places.

Two very different places.

You're still figuring out who you are.

And I love you.

But... I don't think I can help you with that.

Look, I'll have you know, I know exactly who I am.

I am a man with very serious doubts about who I am.

So what about Michael?

I'll talk to him.

I'd like to say goodbye to him myself, if that's okay.

I think he'd like that.

Are you guys done yet? I really need to leave.

Hey, Joe, where you been, huh? You said you'd be here an hour ago.

Oh, yeah, I would have been here an hour ago, except I was late.

I'm just happy that you got the night right.

You said Friday, and I'm here Friday.

Today's Thursday.

Okay, well, can we do this now? Because I don't want to come back tomorrow.

You got the picture?

You got the $8?

Yeah, I got the $8.

All in small bills like you asked.

There you go. Look at that.

Big nose, huge ears, mustache.

You drew these on with a magic marker.

Well, yeah, that's what makes you so funny looking.

Do you realize what you've done to me? Do you?

I had all my hopes pinned on this picture.

That's it.

It's over.

The bunny has flamed the python.

Oh, yeah, I've heard about those bunnies, yeah. They grow in the sewer.

Whoa.

I've got to get back to med school.

Well,

you know, you sure are brave. You know, most people won't shake my hand on

prostate day.

Hi, Gilbert.

Hello, Sharon.

It's been a long time.

I have to admit, I was mighty surprised when you called.

I really appreciate you not showing the real picture to Berg.

Yeah, I hated to double -cross him like that, but when you said you'd meet with

me, I just couldn't pass up a chance to see you again.

Oh, here's the real picture.

Thank you.

And you know, Sharon, I always say you're still just as pretty as you were

the 10th grade. You didn't have to get your teeth fixed or your nose

straightened or your ears pinned back. Okay, Gilbert.

Very sweet.

Listen, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I was stupid.

Really? You really mean that? Yeah.

You want a French kiss?

Come on, Gilbert.

Let's get some coffee.

Hey, Mike.

So what you doing, throwing a no -hitter in the World Series?

No, I'm throwing my socks at the wall.

Hey, um, listen, why don't you take a seat on the bench? I want to talk to you

for a second.

So I guess your mom told you that we won't be seeing each other for a while.

Yeah.

Don't you like me?

Of course I like you.

Don't you like my mom? Yes.

Yes.

It's just, it's a little more complicated than that.

Like, I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you.

Okay? And just because I'm not seeing your mom, it doesn't mean that we can't

see each other every once in a while.

Yeah, sure.

No, look, I mean that. Listen, you'll find some other girl, maybe she'll have

kid, and you'll forget all about me.

That would never, ever happen.

Or my mom will meet some other guy, and I'll be busy with him.

Really? I never thought about it that way.

Oh, yeah, that's the way this stuff happens.

Oh.

But, hey, come on, don't worry. Like you said, we'll still see each other

sometimes.

When?

Uh, there's your birthday.

It's just once a year.

Wait, there's Christmas? Oh, wait, I spent that with my dad.

At least I'll send you a card.

When you get a real job, put a check in it.

This rocks, doesn't it?

Yep.

Let's go.

Where? Come on. Take the new master out to dinner.

Really? Yeah.

Preferably someplace that serves bunny.

Well, I am really impressed with how well you are taking them. Yeah, yeah,

You know, the people in your hometown are really nice. Yeah, they are.

Especially the librarians. Yeah.

In front.