Original subtitles

You don't mind watching him at your place? No, no, no. It's going to be

Honey, you're cool coming here after school?

Sure, it's a hoot.

Check me out.

I'm a hoot.

It'll just be this week.

The station is short on traffic reporters.

He's going to be fine.

Sometimes he gets a little anxious when he doesn't have his things.

Relax, he's going to be fine.

It's just that, you know, boys need their toys.

Michael, come to the dock.

side of the force.

He'll be fine.

There she is.

A large pizza, double pepperoni, extra sausage.

Oh, I see you're ordering our big fat girl special.

I'm sharing it with Johnny. Yeah, where is he? Oh, he's out apartment hunting.

Still no luck?

No. In fact, I'm thinking of asking him to move in with me until he finds a

place. But I don't know. I'm really nervous about it. You should be.

It's a big mistake.

No, a big mistake is your last haircut.

You and Johnny are great together.

Then why spoil it?

What happens if they're incompatible?

We've been going out for two months. We know each other pretty well.

Did they know you're a slob?

I am not a slob.

Really? Where did you find your shoes this morning?

In the closet. And the other one? In the planter.

So I tidy up a bit before Johnny comes over. Yeah, and shoo away the seagulls

that hover over your kitchen.

You're right. Bad idea. No, no, no. Don't listen to him.

Johnny really loves you. He'll learn to live in a landfill.

You're right. I mean, he's going to find out eventually.

Yeah. But if he finds out too soon, it could wreck everything.

Yeah, well, that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Well, I'm not.

Tough.

Oh, oh, yeah. Like, this is all your decision. My opinion doesn't count?

Wait, no, no, no, no. Not now. Not now.

Obviously, you don't feel the same way about Johnny as I do. Hey, I love

Well, I love Johnny, too.

Guys, I don't know how to break this to you, but I'm already in a relationship.

Hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

Did you find anything?

No, you know, it's brutal out there.

You know, Johnny, if you need to... What?

Nothing.

Well, anyway, I'm just gonna crash at my sister's till I find a place.

You know, you could always... What?

Nothing. It's not gonna be that bad. You know, it's only an hour away.

Okay, look.

Why don't you just... What?

Seagulls. Nothing.

Well, listen, I just came by to tell you I can't stay for lunch. I gotta load up

the truck and then get to my sister's before rush hour.

See ya. Bye.

Johnny, wait.

What?

Nothing.

If there's nine people in a room and there's three apples, what is the ratio

people to apples? I don't know. The answers are usually in the back of the

We don't need to look in the back of the book because we can get this. We can

get this.

You have nine players on this side and three players

on this side.

So the ratio is... Nine to three. Right!

Which is?

Um, stop looking at me. It's nine to three.

Three to one.

Very good, Bert. Very good.

Tonight, you get an extra hour of TV.

Could you take a test for me?

Sure. If you could explain to me the relationship between the thecum, colon,

rectum.

Bert said rectum.

Yes, he does that.

Look, Bird's not going to take a test for you, so just focus.

Hello?

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm fine.

No, no, no, no, no, Michael, sit down. You've got ten more problems. Come on.

What?

No, no, I can't help Aunt Emily move her couch.

How did she get pinned up against a wall?

No, I have Caitlin's son. I can watch him.

Yeah, I'll have Sharon watch him.

Yeah, all right.

All right, bye.

All right, after.

But now you run the risk of finding Michael stuffed in the planter.

All right, all right. But he's a kid. He's not a dog. So if you don't feed

he can tell me.

Fine. Go, go.

All right, but listen. He has to finish his ratios. It's really important.

All right? And Caitlin's cell phone number is on the refrigerator.

And if you have an emergency, it's 911.

And, uh...

Poison control? Hey, all those numbers are busy because Aunt Emily's dying.

All right. All right. All right.

Michael?

I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Obey Berg.

All right.

Where were we?

Yep.

Let's get out of here.

Sometimes the best way to learn something is to walk away from it.

Take a break.

So you can look at it from a fresh angle.

I don't know. This test is pretty important.

Pretty important? What grade are you in?

Fifth. Fifth grade doesn't count!

Eight, nine, ten. Those are the important ones. Let's go.

You're sweating.

Danielle Steele.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yeah, oh, I'd love something.

Oh, you know what? It is so nice to come here after looking at the dumps that

people call apartment.

Do you know that artist's retreat actually means no indoor plumbing?

And prime location means across the street from a crack house.

So you like being here?

Oh, definitely.

Really happy you said that, because...

What?

Nothing.

Honey, why don't you finish your sentences anymore?

Well, I just think that... That I could move in here until I find a place?

Yes! Thank you!

Really?

You're sure about that? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! It'll be fun!

It'll be just like playing house when we were kids, but instead of making

imaginary pies, we'll have sex.

We'll have more sex.

Oh, great. You know what? I'll bring my stuff in tomorrow.

So, we're really going to do this?

Why shouldn't we?

You know, perfect apartment, perfect girl.

There's one little thing I need to tell you before you move in.

Okay. You know how I keep this place really clean? You don't have to tell me

be tidy. No, that's the way I was raised.

Mom always made sure that the place was spotless. Yeah. The way you keep your

apartment makes me feel right at home.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's me.

Mrs. Clean.

Where have you been? We went on a field trip.

Well, well... I was worried sick. Why didn't you leave a note? We're exploring

the fascinating world of ratios.

Hit it, Michael. Did you know that five to two is actually two and a half to

one?

Wow. Wow, that's really good, Mike.

And usually it's the favorite. But if you box your bet with a long shot, you

really make some cash.

Where did you take him?

The dog track?

You took him to the dog track?

The off -track betting's no place for kids.

Michael, go get ready for hockey practice. I need to talk to Burke.

Boy, that's never good news in my house.

Me neither.

You took him to the dog track? Burke, why don't you just take him to the bar

teach him how to mix martinis?

You know, four parts gin to one part vermouth.

Oh, sure.

You want a really wet martini. Look, I'm not kidding.

He's never going to learn staring at that book all day. I mean, I used to be

like that. He needed a more creative approach.

So what, you're saying I'm not creative?

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that the kid, he uses his left brain,

know, like me. He's not like you. He uses his full brain.

You're jealous.

You're just jealous.

Because Michael had a little fun with me, Pete. That's you. Fun, fun, fun.

You're going to be everybody's favorite uncle. Let's run with scissors.

And you are going to be everybody's favorite uncle. Hey, grab your abacus.

going to the math fair.

Maybe I won't be a fun uncle, but I'll be a good father.

What the hell is that supposed to mean, huh? I don't know. Why don't you tap

into the left side of your brain and figure it out?

You know, I'd rather be a lousy father than a whiny, uptight one with a golf

club lodged up his butt.

Pete, try to teach your math.

You know what, Sharon? You should loosen up.

Abduct a kid at work for birth.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Washing every dish, doing laundry, cleaning up constantly after myself. I

who lives like that?

What's with all the linen?

Johnny's used to fresh sheets and towels every day.

Why? Did he grow up in a Hyatt?

When did they get a fun apartment?

It reminds them of a stupid, clean mother.

Stop believing a lie.

He has to love you for who you are. Yeah, but then I might... No, no, no,

Sharon.

It's time to come out of the sloppy closet.

Then you can march in the sloppy pride parade.

Bacon street pizza.

Yeah, there's pizza. Yeah.

Well, I'm more like Michael's after -school babysitter.

Of course, I'll be right down.

All right, fine.

What is it? It's Michael's principal. He got caught cheating on a math test.

Probably because he didn't study.

Oh, man, look, I'm coming with you, all right? No, no, we're done enough, all

right? Just stay here and watch the pizza place.

And try not to take it to the track.

Hello?

Hi, sis, how are you?

Well, you know how you always said I'd wind up with a girl just like Mom?

I did.

Oh, it's terrible.

No, she's a need freak.

Do you remember how we can't stay on the carpet because Mom needs them fluffy?

Same thing.

Just do what Dad does, I guess, you know.

Pretend to be clean, go bowling six nights a week.

Sharon's home early. I've got to go. I'll call you back.

A Daniel Thiel.

How was work?

Never end.

You know what? You're just a little tense. No, it's just that... There you

Okay, okay.

Maybe a little tense.

Oh, is that a beer?

No. Man, no coaster.

Oh, yes, right. No coaster.

Wouldn't want to leave a ring. No, we wouldn't. Here, let me help you. I think

can handle it. Oh, damn it. Don't worry. Don't worry.

Get a towel.

No, you don't want to use the dirty towel in the car.

Don't use those in the room.

You're rubbing in the stain. When you're flattening the carpet. The stain.

The floppy. I can't do this anymore.

You're driving me crazy. Me?

Try living with you.

I am sorry. There are only so many hours in a day I can sanitize for your

protection. I think you have a problem, and I think you need some help. Oh,

well, I am sorry if I cannot keep this place as clean as your mother. No one in

their right mind can keep their place as clean.

What? I can't stand this. This place is more sterile than a...

You are the one that wanted this place like your mom's.

Jared, I hated living at my mom's.

The smell of Lysol gives me flashbacks.

Look at my shirt. I'm a slob.

You're a slob? A big slob.

I thought I was going to have to start bowling.

So we don't have to live like this?

What? So we don't have to live like this?

No more coasters.

Okay, okay. You know what's really been bugging me?

That is just wrong.

You don't have to worry about keeping the carpets fluffy.

Hell no.

Shoes are okay on the sofa. Okay, but you're going to ruin them for free.

He gets suspended?

No, I talked to his principal. They let him off.

Thank God.

Look, I'm really, really tired. Should be.

Come on, Michael. We're going to be late.

Okay.

Hold on, Michael. Come here for a second. I want to talk to you. No, Bert,

don't have to. No, I want to.

Look, Michael, it was my fault that you cheated on that test.

I didn't cheat.

What?

I was cheating because I got all the answers right.

You did?

Hey, off we go.

Thanks to you and the Daily Double, I finally understand ratios.

They made me take a new test in front of the principal, and he had to apologize

to me.

How cool is that?

Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter.

You weren't going to tell me, were you?

Look, it doesn't matter.

All right, just because it worked out doesn't mean you were right.

Funny. I feel right.

Maybe you should take my whole class to the track.

Check it out.

They're not your sneakers? Where'd you get those?

I won them.

How?

Well, let's just say that Jimmy Peterson picked the slow end.

You're not old enough to bet.

But you're the one who... No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Tomorrow...

taking those shoes and you're giving them right back to Jimmy Peterson.

Do I have to? Oh, you bet your ass.

All right.

Rectum.

Not funny.

Not funny.

Look, what they did was wrong, Michael.

Now take those shoes off before they shape to your feet.

Giddy up.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, say it.

You're like that father from Shine.

You know, you're right.

You're right, I was wrong. I'm going to make a lousy father. I had the kid for

two hours and I turned him into Pete Rose.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Look, being a father is tough, trust me.

Look, I'd be doing it every afternoon for almost a week.

Man.

What? What happens when he starts dating?

I don't even want to think about it. Me neither.

Wow, imagine. People do that every day. I know.

I'm a dark kid.

Tell you what.

I'll buy you a beer, Uncle Run With Scissors.

Yeah.

Yeah, between the two of us, I think we're going to make one pretty good dad.

Very good.

Berg? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

truck, not even a doll.

Tomorrow I'll go out and ram into a livestock truck for you.

These are the sweetest things.

So, listen, here are Michael's books, and here is the coffee.

Great.

You got a kid that goes with these?

Oh, yeah. Michael is across the street right now in the park with Berg. He's

completing his Jedi training.

The force is strong with him.

How was your day?

It was great. It was great.

You want something to drink? No.

Has he been giving you any trouble?

No. No, no, not at all. I mean, the day went off without a hitch.

You know what school called?

Listen, I'm sorry.

They said he got an A on his ratio test. I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to

tell you before they did. That is amazing.

He's never been good at math. Well, I guess it's all in how you teach him.

Well, I gotta go grab him.

Michael wants to stop by the pet store.

He's got his heart set on getting a greyhound.

He seems to think it would make a smart investment.

Kids.