Original subtitles

Copley Plaza?

Yeah.

Hey, you're on TV, right?

Yeah, I'm Urkel.

No, no, no, you're from that MTV show where people call in with their

relationship problems.

Loveline, and I'm your host, Adam Carolla.

I'm Pete.

You know, I would never call into one of those shows with one of my problems

asking some stranger for advice.

That's good news for me, Pete.

I mean, it's not so much of a problem I have. You know, I'm just going through

some life changes.

Big, sweeping life changes.

I'd help, but I'm busy not caring.

All right.

All right.

You suck me in. What kind of life changes?

Well, you see, I always wanted to be an architect. But, I mean, at least I

thought I did.

Does this, by any chance, have to do with a threesome?

No. Oh, well.

Not exactly my area of expertise, but go ahead.

Here you go, Johnny.

Quadruple anchovies.

Hold the pizza.

Now,

Sharon.

Are you sure you don't want to come fishing with me?

No.

I need a chance to finally meet Sean.

No, you two need your bonding time. Have fun.

But... I will see you tonight, though.

Right after you shower.

Wow.

Woo! So that frees me up for you guys.

I can't. I'm driving Adam Curl every night this week. Working a late shift at

the hospital. I cannot believe I picked you two over a bucket of dead fish, and

it was the wrong choice.

Uh -oh.

What?

Hi, Bird.

Ashley.

Hi, Ashley. Can I help you?

Actually, I just want to talk to Berg.

He's not here.

Pete, I'm right behind you.

I really appreciate that you've given me my space since Justin and I have gotten

back together, but I think it's crazy that we go to the same medical school

we can't be friends.

Well, I... You know what?

Would you excuse us for just one second? I gotta talk to Berg.

It's not about you.

So I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah.

Did you change your hair?

Oh, no, same hair.

Did you change your boyfriend?

No, same boyfriend.

Well, I like the hair.

You can't do that. You can't do this, Berg. You can't be friends with someone

you're in love with. I know that.

It's just, it's going to torture you. I know that. There's only one way to

handle this, all right? You have to make a clean break. You don't talk to her.

You don't see her. You don't make her a part of your life in any way whatsoever.

I know that.

Just let me handle this, okay? All right, all right.

Ashley, is there anything else you wanted?

Do you want to join my study group?

Absolutely. Great.

Bye, Berg.

You blew it, I know that.

Adam!

I can't hear you.

Well, here, let me turn off the music.

You know, I really enjoyed our talk the other day.

Yeah, I was just telling my mom about it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

See, I have this problem.

Have you ever tried bottling?

Deep inside.

All right, what's the problem?

All right, well, I have this roommate, and he's in love with this girl, but she

just wants to be friends.

Sounds like Ian 29 from Portland.

Well, did that turn out okay?

Oh, yeah, turned out great.

He was seeing this girl, pretending to have a real good time, but then he'd

home. and take out all his frustrations on his roommate.

They actually got into a fist fight right in our studio.

Broke the other guy's jaw.

How was that great?

It was our highest rated show.

What am I going to do?

First thing you need to do is stop for the red light. Right, right. Now, is

some sort of metaphor?

No.

group with Ashley.

It was the study group.

Are those my shoes?

No, these are mine. I just bought these. Those are my shoes.

Damn it, Pete. How many times have I asked you not to wear my stuff, huh?

You know what? Adam Carolla is a genius. He predicted that this would happen.

What would happen? You would take your frustrations out on me.

You have to admit what an unhealthy situation you're in, all right? And I

an exercise that's going to help you do it.

Did the exercise involve me beating you with this?

You are so Ian from Portland.

All right. I want you to imagine that this puck represents all of the

anger that you feel towards Ashley. I don't feel any anger towards Ashley. Oh,

yeah? This puck is how Ashley let you chase her around for two months before

told you she had a boyfriend.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Never came up. Because she didn't tell you.

Well, I guess you could have mentioned it before I, you know, fell for her.

Then she gives you an amazing kiss, and then she runs to her boyfriend.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Then you chase her to England, but she's not there. That was expensive.

And then her boyfriend moves to Boston.

Buckle up, Justin.

This one is for her asking me to be friends while she goes home and sleeps

another guy.

Hey, Pete, keep feeding me. All right, yeah. Yeah, good idea. I hate this

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, work.

Look, you're finally in touch with your anger. Now call Ashley and tell her how

you feel.

Yeah. I'm gonna tell her exactly how I feel.

Adam Carolla is a genius.

Machine.

Is that funny outgoing?

Eh.

Look, Ashley, um...

I can't deny that I have feelings for you, but what we have is completely,

totally unhealthy. So I'm not going to be in your study group anymore, and I

don't think that we should be friends.

So just please stay away from me, okay?

This is Bert.

All right, do you feel better?

I do. Are you calmed down?

Yeah. Good.

Because these are your shoes.

but I don't know why we need these boards. They seem to slide pretty fast

face.

Oh, hey, John -John, you forgot your hot chocolate.

Thanks. You must be Sharon.

Yes, I am.

And who might this be, John -John?

This is Sean.

Oh, this is your buddy, Sean.

Wow.

You guys finally get to meet. Yeah.

want to hang out?

Oh, I can't. I got to get back to work. Okay. All right. Later.

Yeah. Nice to meet you, Sharon. Bye, Sean, Sean.

So that's Sean.

Yeah. What do you think? I don't know.

I think I pictured her to be taller, broader, more penis -y.

You thought Sean was a guy?

This is funny, right?

And this is the Sean who gave you the chain with the little medallion that you

never take off?

You think I'd wear jewelry from a guy?

Why didn't you tell me she was a girl?

I'm pretty sure I did.

Let's see. I'm going fishing with my beautiful friend Sean. No, I don't think

you said that.

This is ridiculous.

You're friends with Pete and Bird. They're two good -looking guys. It

bother me.

Well, that's different.

And this is Sean.

I mean, we grew up together. We played catch. We rode bikes.

You should thank her. She's the one who taught me how to kiss.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

There's a good argument.

You give me your milk money, Billy Stalin.

Yeah. Adam's right. This does make you feel better.

I know. It works for me. God, I never realized how...

Ashley clouded my reasoning.

Not tall enough to ride the ride, huh, you corny freak?

Ashley. Bert.

Ashley.

Okay, your turn.

I rest over as soon as I got your message.

No, no. Oh, Ashley, no. I'm not going to do this again.

You're still holding me.

No, I'm not.

Bert.

God, I've missed you so much these past two weeks. I think about you all the

time. I've been tossing and turning at night.

Yeah?

I must be really hard on Justin.

Butt out.

Pete has a point.

I know he does.

I just... Berg, I don't want to lose you.

Come here.

Sit down here for a second, all right?

Oh, Berg.

I... I know what I'm doing is awful.

I hate what I'm doing to you. I hate what I'm doing to Justin. I hate myself,

but I... I can't help it. I don't know what to do. It's okay.

Don't... Don't cry.

I just... I just wish we had a little more time to work this out.

Ashley, I don't...

Know how much time I can give you.

Six weeks.

Really?

Easily.

I must look awful. I'm just going to go splash some water on my face. Okay. The

hottest cold, the coldest hot.

Thank you.

Thank you. If you hadn't got me all riled up on the phone like that, none of

this would have happened. She's still with her boyfriend.

That's not her fault.

Bad situation. I mean, the guy just doesn't know when to let go.

Pete, I have a shot at the girl of my dreams here.

And I'm going to take it.

Come on.

Be happy for me, huh?

Okay.

Okay.

You know what? You two have been through a lot.

Okay, so I'll tell you what. I got my limo parked out front. How about I take

you guys for a ride? Music, champagne.

Get away from reality for one night.

What do you say?

Why not?

Why not?

You guys are going to make a nice couple.

Nice couple of guests on Jerry Springer.

Do you ever notice how everyone stares at you when you're in a limo wondering

who's inside?

I know.

I just flipped some guy the berk.

Berk.

Those windows aren't tinted.

Sorry.

Listen, I've just got to pick up one more thing to make this a complete

All right, so wait here.

I'm glad I came over.

Me too.

God, I love you.

All right.

If I'd known there was going to be a show, I would have swung by the ATM.

What's going on, Pete? Yeah, Pete.

All right, this is Adam Carolla, all right? And you guys aren't leaving until

you come to your senses.

I'm going to grab a cab.

We'll walk.

Unlock the door, Peter.

No.

No, look, I think you need help.

All right? And if Adam here says that you should be together, then you have my

blessing. You can go.

You two should always be together.

Godspeed.

Honey?

Look, I brought you some cocoa.

Is that the cocoa from your thermos that you shared with Sean?

I'll just put these over here.

Honey, I'm sorry.

You know, I honestly, honestly thought that you knew Sean was a girl.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

I guess there's the possibility that I might have overreacted.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I should neglect to tell you things more often.

Oh, baby.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable if you took the medallion off?

It's kind of cold against my skin.

I'll just throw it around back.

Or just take it off.

I told you, Sean is just an old friend. What is the big deal?

This has nothing to do with Sean.

Why is this always about Sean? I hate that stupid, ugly, obnoxious medallion.

It's a smiley face.

All right, let me get this straight. You broke up with her even though you've

never actually gone out with her? Yes.

Because she just wanted to be friends?

Yeah, until she threw herself at me and changed her mind. I did not throw myself

at you.

No, no, no, you just fell face forwards onto my lips.

You begged me for that kiss. You wanted me to beg you for that kiss. Oh, well,

that is not the point.

The point is, it was a great kiss. Right.

That you gave me first.

Oh, you're impossible.

Oh, I am.

Yeah,

you wanted that kiss.

Hello.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right there.

All right.

All right, bye.

Adam, do you mind if we make a little detour?

Oh, no, it's fine with me, but...

I don't want to speak for the other hostages.

I am not going to couples therapy. You don't have to. Just take off the

medallion. No.

Then we're getting in the limo.

Will you please just tell Pete that Ashley and I belong together? Wait,

wait. No one is saying anything until you tell Johnny to take off that stupid

chain. It's a smiley face.

The thing is... Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We were here first.

Wait a minute.

Will you all please shut your pie holes?

We're going to start with you.

Lose the necklace, Chachi.

What? See?

See? I was right.

No, you weren't. You're being jealous and petty.

What? See?

You were being stupid.

Listen, she don't want you hanging around with that babe you grew up with,

you can't come out and say it.

So what'd she do? She focuses on the necklace. Give her a little victory.

Lose the medallion. Believe me, you're getting off cheap.

Makes a lot of sense, Adam.

And as far as you two go, my advice is head to the airport, get in separate

planes, fly in the opposite direction.

What? No, we're great together.

No, you're not.

Siegfried and Roy are great together.

You guys crave friction. If you ever had two minutes of sanity between you, you

wouldn't know what to do with yourself.

So, to sum it up, you two are screwing up something special.

And you two are just screwed up.

He was right.

I'm sorry.

I was being silly. So was I. No, no. God, you've been friends with Sean since

you were kids.

I should want to be friends with her. You know what? It's okay.

It's kind of nice having someone being jealous over you.

You know, I always did have a crush on Chachi.

So, you don't mind the medallion?

Oh, no.

It's coming off.

You know, I don't see what's so different between their relationship and

They fight and they make up. We fight and we make up. Then you go home to your

boyfriend.

So now what?

Do you think that you could be just friends with somebody you're in love

No.

Me neither.

I think we should stop seeing each other for a while.

Well, I think I need to stop seeing you.

Burke, don't listen to Adam. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm listening to me.

I hate this.

You know, I only want you to be happy.

And if it's with Justin, so be it.

Boy, you didn't pull that off at all. Well, I tried.

I'm going to miss you.

I already do.

Bye, bud.

See you.

Stupid puck.

Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left.

Yeah, Adam, I gotta tell you, you're like an inspiration to me.

Super.

I mean, the fact that, you know, just a few years ago, you were just a

carpenter, and now you're a big shot.

It makes me feel like it's okay not to have a career, to be free and go out and

explore the world.

I'm really glad to hear that because I just got off the phone with your boss

you're fired.

I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with that.

Okay, I've got a little residual anger.

Hey, how about your friend Stevie?

Guy. What about Sam?

Guy.

Butch? Guy.

Charlie? Cocker Spaniel.

Male or female?

Female.

Fixed.

in touch with your anger. And if I could put this together now, I'd be awesome.

You drop and give me 20, Coach Pedersen.

Oh, my God.

I am not going to couples therapy. Okay, you don't have...