Original subtitles

Come on, Pete. It's just ten bucks.

You want the money, you get the lecture.

Fine. Fine. Go ahead.

Okay. What did the ant do and what did the grasshopper do?

The ant saved his breadcrumbs. Uh -huh.

And the grasshopper?

He played. He played!

And when wintertime came, who was better off?

Pete Dunville. That's right.

Pete Dunville. And that's why I have nearly $300 in my bank account, and you

have next to nothing.

Thank you.

By the way, this came for you. I opened it by accident.

They're calling in your student loan for $42 ,000.

Thanks for the tip.

Hey, look. The limo just pulled up.

Oh, it's Johnny.

He's driving a limo part -time for some extra cash.

It's awesome.

When he's off -duty, we get to play easy prom feet.

Hi,

sweetie. Hey, baby.

This is for you.

For later.

Oh.

Well, how about tonight for a change? You wear the corsage and I'll be the

driver.

Hey, Johnny, you aren't just doing this for the money, right? It's not so you

can wear that really goofy hat.

I know what you mean. It's a stupid job. I got to dress up in this monkey suit,

drive some stuffed shirt around for what?

Lousy hundred bucks?

A hundred bucks?

Why don't you get Pete a job with you?

I'm sure Pete doesn't want... Yeah, he would. Give me the hat.

Hey, guys, have you seen Ashley around? No.

No.

But... No!

You're looking for Ashley? Yeah. I haven't seen her.

First she drops this bomb on me about her long -distance boyfriend, and now

she's hiding from me.

This is just like when Meg Ryan went and talked to Billy Crystal when Harry met

Sally. Yeah.

Well, what happened?

He was everything she thought she hated in a man, and he kept hounding her,

bothering her, making her life a living, breathing hell until he finally just

broke her spirits.

Oh, God, it was so romantic.

You know what? I really agree with Billy Crystal's theory that men and women

can't be friends without having sex.

So what exactly are you saying?

What are you saying?

I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, look, something shiny.

Jessica, listen. If it's about Ashley, I don't want to get in the middle of it.

Look at me, okay?

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm a wreck.

I mean, sure, I still look good, but that's just genetics.

Look, I need your help, all right?

She's at her gym. Thank you.

Ashley. Hey, Bert. Where have you been? You've been avoiding me all week. No, I

haven't been avoiding you.

Now, um, please don't follow me. Look, we need to talk about this. No, I can't.

Why? If I talk to you, then you're going to make one of your dumb jokes, and

then you're going to give me one of those pathetic looks with...

Those big brown puppy dog eyes.

It's like you make me feel like... You make me feel like... Dancing?

There! Stop that! Why are you fighting this? Because, Berg, I have had

with Justin for three years. I can't just throw that all away on something

might turn out to be... The glove of your life?

Or a short -lived fling.

At least with Justin, I know it's real.

Oh, you mean real like how I noticed the way you eat your pizza crust first?

Or how you wear your red sweatshirt inside out to hide the coffee stain on

shoulder?

Or maybe the way you flip off your right shoe when you're taking a test and you

just let it dangle back and forth.

Back and forth.

You noticed that?

That's why I failed our last quiz.

And I suppose Justin's more real than me because he found you first.

But I have just one question for you, Ashley.

If what you have is so real, how can he be away from you for five months

when I can't stand to be away from you for five minutes?

This is so unfair.

I don't think this is a good idea.

I think it is.

Damn.

I was hoping it wouldn't be that good.

Okay, I gotta go.

Here we are, ma 'am.

Bayside Country Club. Oh, I dread these charity events.

Same old crusty blue hair, same old prime rib.

Mm, I love prime rib.

Really?

Well, maybe you'd like to join me for a nipple.

Oh, Mrs. Rycard, are you flirting with me?

I'm harmless.

There'll be a big tip in it for you.

Really? Plus, you have nice shoulders.

And if you stand up, I can see what your butt looks like.

You're not going to use it to make grilled cheese. No.

So, you're still driving. Must have gone pretty well last night. I made 300

bucks. Whoa!

How many people did you drive?

Just one. She was a rich, lonely widow.

A rich, very generous, lonely, lonely widow.

I was happy to have somebody to share a conversation with.

And a waltz.

You waltzed with her?

And a couple of tangos.

And she tipped you $300?

Yeah. My God, Pete.

You're a hooker.

I was completely innocent.

And besides, I am free to spend time with whoever I want at whatever price

market will bear.

There you go. No, we haven't seen her.

Well, that's okay. I have. I caught up to her last night. We talked a little

then we kissed.

No way. Yes way.

You and Ashley, me and Johnny, Pete and his trick.

Clients. They're called clients.

You know, it was amazing.

It was everything I thought it would be. It was exciting. It was passionate.

Right up until she ran away.

You need to get over to Ashley's right now. Why's that?

God, she's feeling guilty for that kiss.

God, if I know her, she's sitting at home right now thinking about her poor

boyfriend and how she betrayed him.

What should I do?

Do what Richard Gere did in Pretty Woman. Get dressed up, get two dozen

and show up at her building in a limousine.

You think that'll work?

Every woman wants the fantasy.

Give her the fantasy, Berg.

Pete?

Will you drive the fantasy?

I can't. I can't. I'm fully booked.

All right, fine, fine.

But nobody laughed if Mickey Ryker called me kitten.

Thanks, kitten.

How do I look? Oh, you put Richard here to shame.

Look, I'm shaking. All right, all right, calm down, okay? I'll knock her dead.

Okay.

Ashley!

Hey! When are we going to get going?

All right, all right, in a minute, Marge.

My friends are getting a little impatient.

Hi. Okay, girls, look, I told you there'd just be a few minutes, and then

off to the gambling barge. All right. Watch your faces.

Ashley!

Ashley!

Would you shut up?

Excuse me, but this is a private conversation.

Ashley!

Berg.

Jessica!

I need to speak with Ashley.

She's not home.

Well, are you being serious, or are you just covering for her? I'm betting she's

covering.

Bert, I really, really don't want to get in the middle of this. That's it. I'm

coming up there, and nothing can stop me.

Would you mind buzzing me in?

Look, I'm not supposed to say anything, but she left town this morning.

What do you mean?

She was really upset. She went to Oxford.

Why?

To see someone.

Someone. You mean your boyfriend.

Sorry, Berg.

I was rooting for you.

Me too.

She's gone.

Well, it's not over.

It's not looking very good.

Come on, Berg. She'll be back.

She picked him, Sharon.

That's it?

Yeah. You're giving up just like that?

What am I supposed to do, huh?

Do you love her, Berg?

Yes, I do. No.

Do you really love her? Or do you just think you love her because you can't

her? I don't know.

Well, you need to find that out.

How? How? How do I do that?

Go after her!

God!

This is one of those moments you're going to look back in 30 years and say

changed your life.

Now, you may be looking back with Ashley or without her.

But do you really want to look back wondering what if?

Listen to her. That blonde knows what she's talking about.

Marge, get back in the car.

Let's go home, Pete.

All right. Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, I need to get my passport if I'm flying to England.

So, how are you going to track down Ashley? I mean, England's a pretty big

country. Well, I know her boyfriend's name, and I know he goes to Oxford.

It's a piece of cake.

Ooh, uh -oh.

What? Oh, no, nothing I want to know.

Oh,

I do.

Tell me.

What were you thinking?

I was just thinking, you know, what if you barged into his dorm room, and they

were both, like, standing there, naked.

Thank you. Now I can just think about that.

on the long flight over. Oh, I told you you didn't want to know.

All right, we've got you a few things, like toothpaste, razor, Come on, Sharon,

you already bought me the ticket.

You didn't have to... Condoms?

Oh, those are from Mrs.

Reichardt. In London, they're called hats.

Ashley doesn't know it yet, but she's so lucky.

Make us proud, okay?

I need you to call Justin Thompson for me. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I can't do that.

Look, look, I flew all night from Boston to find the woman I love and win her

back. If you have an ounce of romance in you, you'll pick up that phone and make

that call.

You didn't let me finish.

I can't do that because... He's not here.

He took his girlfriend on holiday to the Isle of Wight this morning.

The Isle of Wight.

Okay, thanks.

Unless it was Bath.

I know it was one of those two.

The Isle of Wight or Bath.

Thank you. We can definitely rule out Stratford. I know that. Oh, wait a

That's sounding familiar.

Maybe it sounds familiar.

Because that's where they said they were going.

hell they might be staying in. He only stays at the Four Seasons.

Uh, Isle of Wight, Bath, Four Seasons. Thank you.

Or is it the Intercontinental?

Because of you, I was on a boat all night. Had my pocket picked and bathed.

that was okay, because thank God I had that 20 stashed in my sock, because that

at least got me a cab ride to the middle of West freaking nowhere.

So please, for the love of God, tell me where I can find Justin

Thompson.

It turns out they're not going on holiday till tomorrow.

Where is he?

Right behind you.

It's your lucky day.

Are you Justin Thompson?

Yes. My name is Berg.

Michael Bergen.

I'm in love with your girlfriend and I'm pretty sure she's in love with me.

What?

Wendy?

Wendy, get...

Is that like British for Ashley?

You know, like condoms or hats?

Uh, Pete, I couldn't find her anywhere.

I know, Ashley's back. She came in looking for you.

What?

Okay, all right. Well, pick me up at the airport in the limo. We're going over

to Ashley.

Thanks for the lift.

I hope you're all nice and cozy in there.

Don't worry about me.

I'm sure someday my nipples will soften.

You were not supposed to use the limousine for personal matters, right,

He just doesn't listen, Johnny.

This is just like in the movie.

You got anything to eat?

Yeah, there's some junior mints in the glove compartment.

Pass me the licorice whips.

Ashley!

How you doing, buddy?

I'm kind of in the middle of something here.

All right.

Ashley!

Burke?

Ashley.

Yeah, I'm glad you came.

The suspense is killing me.

What did Ashley say? I didn't hear what she said.

Yeah, I don't really like sitting this close.

I've been wanting to talk to you.

No, no.

Let me say something first, okay?

I know that you think that I'm this big flake, and maybe I deserve that.

And if you want to be with Justin instead of me because you love him, then

that's fine.

But, Ashley, if you're choosing him because you think what we have is less

serious or less real, then you're wrong.

You're dead wrong. And I went all the way to England to prove that.

Why would you fly to England?

I followed you to Oxford.

What's so funny?

Justin teaches at Ole Miss. I was in Oxford, Mississippi.

Mississippi.

That's like nowhere near England.

Oh, God.

Such a bonehead.

Such an incredibly in -debt bonehead.

Actually, I think that's one of the most romantic things I've ever heard.

Well, why do you think I did it?

Listen, Berg, I'm coming down.

Okay.

I'm confused. So did Ashley go to England or not?

No. She went to Mississippi.

There's two Oxford's. Oh.

Okay. Do you think this is a good time to go to the bathroom?

Hey. Hey.

Listen, Berg, I, um, I went to Mississippi to tell Justin that I didn't

this long -distance relationship was working out, and, um, he agreed with me.

He did?

Yeah. He did? He did!

That's great. Oh. No, um, no, it's not. He, um, he's moving to Boston.

I... I really feel like I owe it to him to give it a try.

Oh.

I see.

Burke.

No, I'm okay.

I'm sorry.

I've ever seen.

Want a tissue?

No, I'm cool.

Oh, don't look at me.

Did you say the words character building?

No, no, no.

You owe me $3 ,000.

You know what, though?

I feel sorry for this Justin guy, because now he's going to have to

me on my home turf.

Oh, hey, don't look at Johnny.

He's a mess.

You're looking for a Pete Dunville?

Yeah, that's me.

I'm Dave Reichardt.

This is Stanley Babcock and Richard Weber.

Leave, you know our wives.

Uh -oh.

She told me you were dead.

Clearly we're not.

And we're very interested in those little midnight rides of yours.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Look, I swear to God, nothing happened. All right, I'll

never take them out again.

Actually, we'd like you to take them out more often.

Especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

That's when we go to Hooters.