Original subtitles

You're right.

I'd make a lousy fireman.

Everything okay with Garfield? Yeah.

You sure that door isn't too heavy for you?

No. I've held doors twice this size.

You got the tickets?

Forget the tickets, Berg. Miko's never going to let us off for the homecoming

game. He hates us. He hates you.

He loves me.

Miko, my man.

I'm not your man. I hate you.

Back down the chairs.

Here to help.

Listen, Meek.

Oh?

Homecoming's today, and Pete and I were thinking that you could cover the place

while we went to the game.

No.

All right.

You leave me no choice.

I'm going to have to play the green card.

Can I see your papers, please?

That's it.

I've had enough to hear your smart mouth, you and your sheep jokes, and

meepo races.

You're evil. You're a demon.

I quit.

Mikos, we're out of 409. No, you are out of Mikos.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice going, Pete.

I can't believe we're stuck here working on Homecoming. Who cares?

What do you mean, who cares?

It's the seventh homecoming, and we're still sitting in the student section.

Do you remember the way those kids looked at us last year? It's the same

look at that old guy who hangs out at the dance club.

You know, that guy.

Hey,

sports fans.

Cheryl! This is going to be the best homecoming ever.

Oh, yeah? Why? Because of Johnny.

This year, when my old girlfriends ask me if I'm seeing anyone, hoping I'm not,

I...

What homecoming's all about?

Being better than your friend.

Good. There's Heather Sutton. I hate her.

Heather?

Sharon?

You're fantastic.

So do you.

How are things?

Oh, things are great. Really?

So, are you seeing anyone?

Am I seeing anyone?

Here we go, Jack and Steve.

What's with the snazzy suit?

Don't let them fool you, Berg. They're still the same morons who did all our

errands for us junior year. Yeah, because they believed we were the

protection program.

Eat, Berg!

Hey!

Jack!

Smelly! It's not smelly anymore, Berg.

I'm a stockbroker. Wait, you manage money? In school, you couldn't manage to

deodorant.

Well, once you graduate, things change.

So, uh, what's with the aprons?

Oh, my God, you guys don't still work here, do you?

I'm in med school, and Pete's still in the witness protection program.

They still work here.

Oh, that is so cute.

Claire, make a note for me to get Pete and Bird new lives for Christmas.

Okay, okay, Smelly. You know what? You guys can play dressed up, and you can

talk on your little phones.

But you'll always be peons to us.

Yeah? Well, us peons will wave to you in the student section from our seats on

the 50 -yard line.

Right below the luxury box.

Oh, that's just great.

Because, you know, we'll be in the luxury box.

Yeah, right.

We'll believe it when we see it. You won't have to see it, bucko, because

be pelting the back of your heads with pate.

Yeah! We don't have tickets for the luxury box.

Relax, all right? You're getting ahead of yourself.

We don't even have a way out of here.

There you go.

But what are we going to do? I mean, this place is packed. We've got nobody

to cover it. We're just going to have to get everyone to leave.

No, Berg.

We're not going to let just Jack and Mellie think they have the upper hand.

It's not the football game. We cannot let those punks walk into our house and

talk trash.

Hey, you know what?

We're better than them.

We own them. Yes.

Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, they have cars and jobs and...

checking account.

It doesn't make you a better person. No, no, no. Better he makes you a better

person.

You know what we're gonna do? What?

We're gonna close this place. Yeah?

We're gonna go to that gang. Yeah. And we're gonna sit in that luxury box and

show those guys just who we're not. Yeah!

Gotta get these people out of here. I'm trying, all right?

Hello?

What? Can I get another refill?

This is your third one.

Well, the sign says free refills, and I want free refill now.

You're absolutely right.

What is this?

Doesn't say how much.

And when it's raining, he gives me his jacket.

Rick gives me his jacket, too. Yeah?

not an alcoholic.

This place is thinning out. Yeah, yeah, but there's still some pockets of

resistance. Okay, and that kid that hates you from med school, he refuses to

leave.

I'll take care of him. You get the rest. Okay.

Hi, how was everything?

Great. Super. Let me clean this up for you.

It's a 15 % gratuity has been added to your meal.

I came and you guys almost finished?

Like you care.

I just don't want you to be late for the kickoff.

Like I'd sit in the stands surrounded by a bunch of people I don't like,

watching other people I don't like play a game I don't like.

Then you don't want to be late. Let me get you a to -go box.

Oh, wait.

Am I preventing you from going to the game?

Yes. Good.

All right. You know, I would never do this, but I got to get out of here. You

see those two girls right there?

Yeah. They're interested in you guys.

Yeah, right, Berg.

So did you tell them? I told him, but they don't believe me.

This is kind of embarrassing, but...

Do you guys want to go to the game with us?

Great.

Let's go.

We don't really have to take him to the game with us, do we? No, no. Once you're

down the street, just lose him.

You know, I'm planning on eating later. Can I have my tongue back?

Johnny, this is Heather, Trish, and Deb. Hi. Hello and hello.

Isn't he cute?

Sharon, he's wonderful.

I am so happy for you. Deb, Trish, now.

That was fun.

I love homecoming. Oh, I got you something. Hand me that back. Oh,

Well, why would I wear that? I never went to college.

You didn't play with the Celtics, either.

Oh, 100 % cotton.

All right, let's go. You've crossed the cutesy line.

Oh, actually, Mikos wanted me to repair the jukebox.

Yeah, well, Mikos went back to Crete. Now get the hell out of here.

You know, it's the friendliness that keeps me coming back. Okay, we'll see

guys at the game.

All right, lock the door.

All right.

All right, the hard part's over. Okay.

Now all we need to do is get two luxury box seats on homecoming day, 18 minutes

before kickoff.

Oh, Berg, do you hear that? Come on, the game's starting. When are we going to

get our tickets? Come on. It's going to work to our advantage, all right? Look,

by the time the ball is kicked off and the receiver catches it, ticket prices

drop 80%. And if we wait till the end, we can get them for nothing.

That's our guy right there.

He's a scalper?

How can you tell?

Shifty eyes, hunched shoulders, the fact that he's been yelling, I've got

tickets, who needs tickets?

You need tickets?

Two. Where do you want to sit?

Whoa! Whoa, how'd you get all those tickets?

My mom gave them to me.

No, seriously, how'd you get them?

Enjoy the game, officer.

What did I do? You look like a narc, man. I do not look like a narc.

Just leave this to me, okay?

You holding?

Depends. What you need?

Well, what do you got?

I got bleachers, clothes, luxury, or blimp.

Oh, oh, we'll take two for the luxury box, please.

You a cop?

What is it, the hair?

Don't worry about him, okay? He's not a cop. He's just a grad student with a bad

attitude.

The game's already started. We'll give you 20 apiece for him.

What, are you kidding me? There was 200 each.

All right, all right. We'll give you 30 and a coupon for a free salad with a

regular pizza.

I don't need salad.

You can exchange it for a calzone.

Deal.

Here you go.

Two tickets to the luxury box and two guys with two tickets.

One, two.

One, two.

Wow. Oh, Berg, this is heaven. I knew it. I knew heaven would have an open

Do you remember life before the luxury box?

Vaguely.

Let's go to the balcony and wave down to poor Jack and...

Stupid sidekick smelly, shall we? Why, but we should be holding cocktails in

doors, don't you think?

Yes, yes, of course.

Ah! Tuna -wrapped asparagus on toast points lightly brushed with a mango

Ah.

I like heaven.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

These guys are sitting in our seats.

Excuse me, sir, you're sitting in our seat.

Take a walk.

Security!

Yes, sir. Yeah, we paid $200 for these tickets, and we'd like to sit in the

seats.

Here's your problem. These tickets are counterfeit.

Counterfeit? Oh, well, never mind.

I think you better come with me.

Wait a second. Look, we bought those tickets, okay? We had no idea they were

counterfeit. Yeah, you should arrest the guy in the parking lot who sold them to

us.

You mean the scalper? Yeah.

Ticket scalping is illegal on stadium ground.

Wait, wait, wait. Can't we just yell to our friends? No.

Yeah, well, maybe a coupon for a free salad will change your tune.

Look, officer, this was just a terrible mistake. If you let us go, we promise we

won't ever do it again.

I know you won't do it again, but you're going to be here for the rest of the

game.

Stay here.

We want conjugal visits.

Attica!

Attica!

Come on, Bert, let's face it. Jack and Smelly won. We're never going to get to

the luxury box now.

Don't say that, okay? Look, we can't let them be better than us.

We've got to get back to that box and yell down at them. What do you want to

We're locked in here and there are guards everywhere.

Excuse me, do you know where the ladies' room is?

Yeah, it's just down the hallway on your left.

Anytime.

Shall we?

We can't just leave.

Why not?

Because he told us not to.

Are you trying to make trustee?

Look, even if we make it to the luxury box, all right, security's going to

recognize us. How are we going to get past that?

Go get the beer.

I think this is yours.

Wow. I hate you.

Where did you find him?

At the bottom of a huge crackerjack box.

So what does he do?

Johnny? Oh, he's in the music business.

Performer, producer, what?

He's in distribution.

Wow. Yeah, he pretty much decides what songs you hear.

Here we go.

That was quick.

Yeah, I got a buddy who works at a concession stand.

So, uh, Sharon tells us you're in the music business.

Never heard it, you know, put quite that way, but yeah.

Do you want some nachos? Sure.

Extra cheese? Sure.

So it must be really exciting being a music executive.

What?

Chipwich.

deciding who gets played on the radio?

Where'd you hear that?

You told them I'm some music executive?

Well, you kind of are.

Are you embarrassed of me?

No, not at all. Well, then tell them.

I'm a jukebox repairman.

I'll be tailgating with my friends.

And I never went to college.

I just love homecoming.

Bird, I am never going to forget this.

How could you?

You're an elephant.

All right, all right. Now, this time we need a plan. Otherwise, we're going to

look like idiots.

All right.

We enter the doors.

You flank left.

I'm going to do an end run past the buffet table. Then we head straight up

the window. We yell down to Jack and Mel. Ready?

Break!

Hey, Pete. Hi, Berg. Hey, Johnny. How's it going?

All right.

Let's do this.

section on our heels. Cindy, what's going on? I told you it was okay to lose

some. Well, I tried to, but don't you think there's something about Cayman

that's kind of cute?

No!

Face it, Bert. You lost. I won.

Ha!

You band geek.

Band geek.

Band geek.

Elephant, get over it!

The whole team's done. by a touchdown with a minute left to go in the game.

Frankly, they'll need a miracle to pull this one out. Teams are set for the

kickoff, and it's away.

High and deep.

Fielded at about the eight -yard line. He starts back upfield. He breaks to his

left.

But there's a wall of defenders.

Oh, a vicious block that opens a huge hole. There's a play they'll talk about

after the game. Look at those moves as he spins to his right and keeps

Hurdles a tackler at the 30. Got the goal line inside. Only the kicker left

beat. Oh, a straight arm. Knocks that fifth -year senior right out of his

He's lunging for the goal line, but it looks like he's going to be dragged down

by two tacklers short of it. Oh, he's got to be disappointed in that. Hey,

a minute. He wants it. Look at that second effort.

He's carrying him on his back. I think he's going to make it.

You should be.

Look, sir, I'm sorry I don't have time to talk right now. A group of us

executives are on a corporate retreat.

Sonny, I know. I was like 20 different kinds of wrong. Yeah, you got that

Tommy, can you shut up for two seconds?

Now, you know that's not possible. Just try.

Look, sir, I'm sorry that I'm not who you want me to be, but let me tell you

something. Unlike you, I'm proud of what I do.

What? You're not happy being a stripper?

Tommy!

You told him I was a stripper? Sorry, sorry. Exotic dancer.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Make my medium well.

What? Why would you possibly tell them I was a stripper? Well, I just didn't

want to take a lot of crap for dating a suit.

Oh.

So you're embarrassed of me.

No.

I just know all my buddies singing Uptown Girl every time we go out.

So you immediately went right to stripper? You could be. You have a great

Don't think that's going to get you off the hook.

I can't believe you got mad at me for doing the same thing you were doing.

Well, that just goes to show how much we have in common.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What do you want me to say, Sharon, that I'm completely crazy about you?

Well, I couldn't have... I am. I am. I am so crazy about you.

And I think you like me, too.

Sometimes.

Okay, all the time.

You know, I don't... I don't think I planned on falling for a girl like you.

I'm pretty sure you didn't plan on falling for a guy like me.

Guess we just have to make a couple of adjustments.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So you want me to strip for you?

You're gonna have to if you want that record deal.

Pete, we did it.

You should have seen the look on those guys' faces.

Come on. You've got to show me again.

What a couple of losers.

I just showed them. Yeah. You know what? This just proves it, Bert. We can do

anything together.

You going to finish that fruit cup?

No.

Go for it. Number 24601.

Exactly what was going through your head during that run back?

Well, as soon as I looked up field, I got a great block.

Then I threw it into high gear, cut up the sideline, put a spin move on, went

right over the top, and then, well, then it was just the kicker. Watch what I do

to him.

Oh, kicker should just kick, you know what I mean?

Let's take another look at that.

Boy, you really creamed that guy.

Well, I really have to thank the Lord for all my God -given ability.

Get away from me, kid. No autographs.