Original subtitles

Berg, have you seen my red towel?

What? My red towel.

I gotta wash it. Mrs. Himmelfarb's cat took a leak on it.

What?

Never mind.

I want to meet your new girlfriend.

Go away.

It is my right to meet the women you date. After all, I raised you.

That really upsets you, doesn't it? Yeah, it does.

I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

Please, I introduced you to the girls I date.

I introduced you to Ashley.

We don't date, and we won't date.

Oh, look what you've done. Now you've upset my girlfriend.

Oh, when did you two start going out?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I remember.

Never.

Come on. Don't let her fool you, huh? Why do you think she's here? She loves

Oh, I see. And all these people are here because they love you, too?

On some level.

Hey, Cher. I hate my gym. Oh, you know what? I forgot to ask you. Do you like

your gym?

You didn't make the window again, huh?

No, third row.

That is what sickens me about health clubs today.

Fitness should be about getting into shape, not forcing women to be in some

show. There's your check, poodles.

Wash your face print off that window on a daily basis.

Because I'm trying to find you all the way in the third row.

Hey, if you want to avoid people like him, you should try my gym.

Women only.

Here is the address.

Oh, thanks, Ashley.

Really nice of you. Yeah, mention my name so I get a free mug.

Excuse me.

What do you mean by people like him?

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't stereotype.

I was being unfair to perverts everywhere.

Apology accepted.

Really likes you.

Really? No.

Oh, you know what? I know somebody who works out at this gym. It's supposed to

be great.

Somebody? Yeah, somebody.

Oh, right. The girl you met at the, uh, the, uh... Yeah, the girl at the, uh...

Come on, guys. Stop. I haven't been to the, uh, in years.

I think he's just making up this girl so we don't feel sorry for him. You know

what, Sharon? That is so sad.

So sad. Yeah.

Yeah, it's sad. Fish from the woman in the third row and the man with the

girlfriend that hates him.

We want to meet her. Come on, I'll tell you a secret of Sharon's.

Guys,

please, for once, I need my own life.

Walter, he can't have his own life.

Especially when we got nothing going on.

Reservations for Dunville?

Yeah. Two of your parties are already here.

What?

What are you guys doing here? Waiting for you. Your appointment looks at 7

We're busy people, you know.

So, where is she?

She's meeting me after work.

Oh, right. She works at the, uh... At the, uh... The, uh... Go away.

But why can't we meet her?

You want to know why? I'll tell you why. Because you'll screw it up like you

always do.

What are you talking about?

Look, every time I introduce you guys to somebody I'm seeing, you point out some

flaw of hers, which I then obsess on, and inevitably, it ruins the

We do not.

Remember Denise?

Denise? Dumbo ears.

Oh, yeah, I thought she was a nice girl. She was a nice girl. But because of you

guys, I just couldn't stop looking at her ears.

She ordered peanuts at a Red Sox game, and that was it.

If you wanted a real relationship, you would have worked it out with Dumbo

Or she -male.

You guys, you just can't help yourselves.

Okay, okay, okay, we promise to be good. Yeah.

Oh, is that her?

Oh, neat.

Way to go, a little Angela Lansbury action.

Hey, hey, hey, just because she's older doesn't make her flawed.

Whoa, look at the size of those feet.

You guys need a hobby. We have one. You. You're non -toxic, fun for all ages,

and come completely assembled.

Okay, look. I like this girl, okay? I care about this girl.

We talk on the phone for hours. We take long, long walks.

We play Scrabble.

Things you do when you're not sleeping with someone. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Okay, look. My romantic life is not a game show.

Okay? So if you guys start picking this girl apart and I break up with her, I am

never, ever, ever going to forgive you.

All right, bye.

I just wish you would have said something before we drove all the way

Bird!

Bobby, hey.

This is Sharon, and Sharon, this is Bobby. I know him from the gym.

You don't belong to a gym.

No, no. We stand outside the window of your gym.

Oh, you go there?

How come I've never seen you?

Third row.

I hate my gem.

Pete.

There she is.

Whoa, she's cute.

Way to go, Pete.

Come on, Burke. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She looks familiar.

Where do I know her from?

Oh, God.

I think I found a flaw.

What flaw?

Me.

Me, okay? We had a... Thing a few years ago. What kind of thing?

I meet at a party, then have wild sex in the middle of the night on a jungle

gym.

Wow. And I find carpets uncomfortable.

What is her name? It's an N name. Starts with an N. Nancy. No. Nadine. No. Nan,

tuck it.

No.

Come on, Bert. If you don't remember her, maybe she won't remember you.

It was one night a long time ago. Pete doesn't have to know.

Well, it might be kind of hard to keep from him. What do you mean?

How about my name is tattooed on her ass?

Pete's right. I do ruin all of his relationships. And this one, I ruined

years in advance.

Which is actually pretty good for such a procrastinator.

This sucks.

on the positive side. When people are telling small world stories, you're

to have the best one.

You are not helping. Not trying to.

This isn't fair, you know. I mean, it wasn't even my idea. We're stumbling by

tattoo parlor. I needed to use the bathroom. Restroom signed fifth

only. She volunteered.

You kids really had something special going.

You know what?

I'm panicking.

I'm panicking. I mean, let's give Pete a little credit here. I mean, maybe it

won't even matter that I slept with his girlfriend first.

Are you kidding?

He has a conniption when you read the newspaper before he does.

Oh, good God. What if tonight's the night he finally sleeps with... What

the hell is her name?

See? This is why tattoos come in handy.

What is wrong with you?

Look, I'm sorry. That's how we play.

When one of us is down, you kick him.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Pete. Everything okay?

Yeah, great.

What'd you guys end up doing?

We went to the movies.

What'd you see?

What does it matter? She talked through the whole thing.

Oh, I hate that. Don't you hate that? That must have driven you crazy. Oh,

you know what else she does?

She laughs at her own jokes.

Holy incompatibility, Batman.

You know, Pete, it's a good thing you found out now.

Oh, oh, you know what I noticed tonight?

She's got a chipped tooth.

Whoa. What, is she from England?

Yeah, yeah, but you know what? I don't care.

Huh? Yeah, I mean, I must really like Nicole. Nicole?

Yes, Nicole. I mean...

I know all of her flaws, and somehow they don't bother me.

Oh, Bert, will you cover for me tomorrow night?

Sure. Yeah, Nicole and I are spending the night at a bed and breakfast up in

Concord.

Oh, tomorrow. Tomorrow night. No, no, I can't. I can't do that.

Oh, you.

Thanks, man.

It's just a great day to be me.

And just the worst day to be you.

Sharon. The second he sees that tattoo, he is never letting me near anyone he

cares about again.

I wanted to be the best man at his wedding, you know? I wanted to be Uncle

to his kids, you know? He'd say, no soda.

And I'll give him soda.

But now no one gets soda.

Oh, I think about it. It was one night three years ago. Maybe she's had the

tattoo removed.

You're right.

Maybe she did.

But our friendship is too important to rely on maybes.

I love that guy.

So I gotta get a good look at his girlfriend's ass.

This place is amazing.

You don't have to get dressed up or wear makeup. People are actually here to

work out.

But let's not forget why you're here.

Did you see Nicole?

She signed in, but she's not in the workout room. All right.

I'm gonna hit the showers, kid.

Berg?

Ashley, what are you doing here?

Well, it's a women's gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight

in my panties.

Well, I'm at a women's gym because I'm waiting for a woman.

Sharon, my friend, Sharon.

She's also a woman.

You know, it's funny. I was just thinking about you.

Really? Yeah.

Well, I was in the locker room getting dressed, and as I bent down to tie my

shoe, you just popped into my head.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, your name was tattooed on some woman's butt.

Really?

That would be Nicole, and she's also...

Just a friend.

What, do you brand them to keep track?

No, no, it's not like that. No, no, no, there's nothing you could possibly say,

Burke. You're hopeless.

Call me!

I do not believe the humiliation. I just suffer for you.

I had to peek in every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and

an invitation to play golf.

I know, I know. It's still there. Ashley told me, and she is not happy with me.

Well, tell her to get in line.

That's her.

Listen, I don't know what kind of place you're used to, but this gym isn't a

meat market, okay?

Women don't come here to get ogled.

I wasn't ogling. I was looking for a friend. Oh, try the personals.

Hey, hey, chin up. You'll find someone.

Nicole.

Hi.

Do I know you? Three years ago, Steve Besson's party.

Jungle gym.

Tattoo parlor.

Oh, my God.

It's you.

Bird.

Trust me, I can remember the name.

So how you been?

I've been good.

Well, nice catching up.

So here is an incredible coincidence.

Did Pete ever mention his roommate?

Pete? Oh, tell me you do not work at a pizza place.

No, I'm a med student who works at a pizza place.

Great. Does Pete know?

No, no, and Pete doesn't need to know. So I say...

We hop in a cab and we go Dutch on some laser surgery.

Forget it. I'm not going to have it removed.

Okay, all right. So keep third. But how about writing the word ice?

No.

Hinden? I'm not touching it.

Whoopie gold.

That tattoo stays right where it is.

Wow. I meant that much to you, huh?

Yes.

When we had...

Whatever it was.

I had dropped out of school. I was partying a lot, and I was out of

And then that night with you was rock bottom.

After that, I realized I had to change my life. That tattoo was a reminder to

to never think that low again.

Well, glad I could help.

But what about Pete?

Pete's great.

He's the sweetest guy I've met in a long time. I care a lot about Pete.

So do I, Nicole.

When he sees that tattoo... If this ruins our relationship, then there

much of one to begin with.

Hey!

What do you bench press? Like 350?

Hey, where's Pete?

He's in back.

Why are you hiding behind a menu?

They're there.

I think some women from that gym just walked in.

Maybe if they were naked and wet, you could be sure.

Ow.

So did you talk with Nicole?

Yeah, she won't get rid of the tattoo.

Must be completely honest with Pete about her past.

You look that filthy.

Bert, you're just going to have to tell him.

You give me one good reason why I should.

Besides, he's my best friend and it's the right thing to do.

Okay, that is it.

Bert, thank you so much for covering my shit.

This is a friend. Is this not a friend?

Oh, and you know what? When we get back, we'll all go out to dinner. You guys,

me, Nicole.

You guys are going to love her. I mean, she's really fun to get to know.

Apparently.

There's just one thing.

Listen, man, this is really hard for me, but a few years ago,

I went out without

sunblock, and I regret it to this day.

That's tough, man.

See ya.

See, it's about you and Nicole.

Well, I think that you two could be perfect for each other.

Bert, look, I don't need your stamp of approval.

Too late.

Well, look, there's just one teeny tiny thing that I feel could be a stumbling

block between you guys. What are you talking about? You don't even know her.

Well, last night as I was leaving the bar, I accidentally caught a glimpse of

her. And now this is something that would bother a jerk like me, but not a

-adjusted, secure man like yourself. Okay, Bert, okay, Bert, look, look, if

you're going to start picking her apart, it's not going to make a bit of a

difference, so, you know, don't even bother.

Hey, what kind of teeny tiny thing would bother a jerk like you?

Well, I'll tell you. A few years ago, I kind of met Nicole at a party.

Don't, don't, don't tell me you slept with her.

Well, that kind of ruins the end of my story.

This isn't happening. You can't blame me for this. No?

Pete, what am I supposed to do? Walk up to every girl I meet at a party and go,

excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in three years?

This is unbelievable. Unbelievable, Berg. Somehow, you've actually gone back

time and ruined my life.

Come on. Someone should have slept with other guys, too.

There's a silver lining.

It was one night. I mean, it meant nothing to her.

Less than nothing. In fact, I think she kind of hates me.

Okay, all right, fine. You and Nicole had a date. It wasn't even a date.

Dates are romantic. I just picked her up at a party.

It's in the past, okay?

I'm erasing the mental image.

Gone. No more flow.

Hey, you are one hell of a guy. I really am.

Another teeny tiny thing could come up. Don't want to know, don't need to know.

Why? Because it's in the past, and there it will stay as long as I never, ever

have to be reminded of it again.

that there's something I need to tell you.

It's about your roommate and me. No, no, no, look, baby.

Hey, you already told me.

I just want you to know that it was just a stupid, dumb thing.

Look, look, we don't even have to talk about it, okay? I am so, so past it.

It won't bother you?

Watch it not bother me.

Pete.

Call her.

I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole and a tattoo that I punched

mailbox, causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime.

That's the best you could come up with?

Well, I think it sounds better than I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this

bandage.

Look, I mean, if he was still upset, you would have gotten a call by now. It's

not the kind of thing you keep bottled up.

You.

It wasn't me.

Okay, it was me, but it wasn't my fault. Okay, it was my fault.

Look, I'm hurt.

Take the bandage off, Berg.

You know, you should have told me.

Well, I was afraid that you'd disown me.

You know, I should have disowned you when you set me up with that psycho from

the personals. I should have disowned you when you submitted me for that

transvestite segment on Sally Jessie.

Well, now, that would have been a free trip to New York.

I should have disowned you, but I didn't.

It's the price I pay for being your friend. You've got to forgive a lot.

So what happened with Nicole?

Well, after she pried me off the feeling and we talked, I realized it didn't

matter. You know, I mean, this girl had the mother of all flaws, and I still

wanted to be with her.

Oh, when you think about it, I really brought you and Nicole a little closer

together.

I'm not going to thank you.

Your happiness is thanks enough.

I love that you were the last person in this room to see your girlfriend naked.

Back off, sister.

I can't help it. Well, try.