Original subtitles

Hey, Bert, there's some kids sitting on Sharon's car.

Okay, Grandpa.

Settle down.

Bert, their jeans leave scratches and... Come on, kids!

Kids, get off Sharon's car!

Kids, get off Sharon's... Whoa!

Hey!

Hey, you kids, get off, Pete!

The unbelievable part is the building that I designed made it into the finals.

Hey, you're nicely done. Nicely done, Bert. 200 architecture students

designs. 190 of them hate me.

Why? Because I'm in the top ten.

Come on, Pete. That's not why they hate you.

All right.

Come on, Bert. Are we going to eat or what? I'm starving. Yeah, I just want to

check my grade. For what? You're always number one. And the crazy thing is, it

never gets old.

Excuse me.

I'll bet I can guess your phone number. No, you can't. Okay, you got me.

You better write it down.

Okay,

how does that work?

It's all about confidence.

Whoa! Yeah, I think Keith said it best in his poem, Ode to a Great Ass.

Go, and remember,

Confidence.

I'm failing.

Why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a call sometime.

Okay, confidence and timing.

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for. Pete, tell us who's number one in

the med school class countdown for a third week in a row. And this one's

out to a wonderful lady in Albany I like to call...

Mom. Don't even try to tell me that was Casey Kasem.

What? It's good.

I want to know who told you that because they're not helping you.

Give me the top student ID number. Top score went to student ID number... 8631.

Very funny, Pete.

Now read the one that finished first on the test.

That is the one.

No.

Can't be. My number's 9201.

I'm supposed to be first. Maybe nobody told the guy who grades the papers.

I'm number two?

Whoa, whoa, what just happened here?

If you're number two, let me see if my math is correct, that means somebody

is number one.

Huh.

Where do you hide your abacus?

No, no, no, no, stay with me, stay with me. This means if you were in the

Olympics, you'd be Silver, and if you were a Brady, you'd be Jan.

You're enjoying this, aren't you? Is my enormous grin showing? Yeah.

All it means is you're just going to have to study a little bit more.

Or find out who's number one and take them down.

Yes, you're maturing nicely.

Here you go, sir.

Give my order to that guy.

Okay, why?

Just do it.

Got your chopped salad.

I didn't order a chopped salad.

Chopped salad?

Oh, that's mine.

We're such idiots here.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

Definitely not a chopped salad.

How you doing? I'm Tim.

Yeah, I know this sounds lame, but where do I know you from?

I tend to bar at Mahoney's a couple nights a week.

Oh, what a coincidence.

I tend to drink there a couple nights a week.

Here you go.

I'm sorry about the mix -up. I can't get all these orders straight.

Listen, I'll be there on Wednesday night. If you're in the neighborhood,

should drop by.

Yeah, maybe.

So, we're going to Mahoney's Wednesday night?

Oh, yeah.

What? I don't know.

There's something different about you. You look smaller.

You told her, didn't you?

Maybe.

Farg, there's nothing wrong with being number two. I mean, just as many people

remember the second man on the moon, Captain, uh, what's -his -face.

Yeah? Well, your chemical company? Huh.

Destroys the planet.

But we're number one at it.

Come on, Bert, don't take it so seriously, man. It's just one test.

And you know what? If it bothers you so much, why don't you try studying a

little harder?

Please, if all it took was studying, any idiot could become a doctor.

The crucial part is the mental game.

It's what separates us from the dentist.

But that's okay, because I have a plan. Now, I guarantee you, the guy that beat

me is in that study group.

Why? All they do is study. They're pathetic.

I know what you mean.

I mean, that's who I want operating on me. You know, the guy who just wings it.

Hey, fellas. I'm glad you came in.

We wouldn't have if you hadn't given up those coupons.

Hey, you know, we're medical students.

We should help each other. You're not seeing my nose.

That's the spirit. So, uh, I guess you guys did pretty well on the test, huh?

did. But this guy, Mr. Number One himself, came in. Please, no applause.

Thank you.

Listen, Kamen, I'm just at a bit of a critical point here. I mean, I don't

if I can hack it.

Is there any way I can talk to you in private for a second?

Okay, but you're not getting my notes.

Yes.

Listen, how do you do it?

I mean, when I take a test, I just get so nervous. You know, every question.

I start thinking, what if I'm wrong? Does this mean I'm going to be wrong

got my hand in some guy's chest?

It's only a test. They're just questions.

Oh, but they're not just questions, Kamen. They're decisions.

I look at a test and I see a human body in front of me. I see somebody's mother,

somebody's father, somebody's child.

Gee, I never thought of it that way.

Oh, you have to.

I mean, you choose B instead of C and you're wrong.

Little Jimmy can't play kickball anymore.

The next time you take a test, you just remember, scalpels don't have erasers.

Anyway, enjoy the pizza.

Where'd it go?

Oh, it's not posted yet, but I'm not too worried. By the end of the test, it

came and was in the fetal position.

That depends. Were you planning on writing your phone number down with it?

My mother warned me about guys like you.

Here's my number.

Keep the pen.

That was unbelievable.

That was so smooth, I almost gave you my number.

That's the kind of confidence you get when your building takes second place.

What? Number two, numero dos. Hey, good for you. You know, you're really coming

into your own there. You're like one of those supermodels that was ugly in high

school.

See something you like?

Wow. Where'd you get that line?

Because you need to give it back.

Oh, swing and a miss. Ah, you don't see that happen very often, folks.

Coming through, coming through.

Oh, my God.

No! Hey, hey, hey, Cayman, what's the matter?

I did terribly.

Ah, such is life.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. Eight, six, three, one. You're still on

top. That's not me.

But you said you were number one, Cayman. Number one in my study group.

I was 24th in the class.

Now I dropped to 50th.

It's all your fault, Berg. You psyched me out.

Psyched you out? You're dead, Berg. You hear me?

Whoa, yeah, dead.

Nice attitude for a doctor.

Number one two weeks in a row. The best part about it is it's easy to find my

score.

All right, Ashley.

I have to study with you next time.

You should. I don't believe that woman. She made me ruin Cayman's life for

nothing.

Excuse me.

Hey, remember me, the guy with the dazzling smile?

Oh, yeah.

Go like this.

What, I got something in my tooth?

Nope. Now go away.

So, um, you were number one, I guess, in your study group?

Number one in the class. Susan, please. For two weeks in a row.

Ashley, right? Uh -huh.

Can I talk to you in private for a second?

It's enough.

How do you do it?

I mean, when I take a test, I just get so nervous. You know, every question I

start thinking, what if I'm wrong? Does this mean I'm going to be wrong when I

got my hand in some guy's chest?

It probably does.

You know, I'm going to make a good doctor. I just mean when I'm taking a

See, they're not just questions.

They're decisions.

I look at a test and I see a human body in front of me. I see somebody's mother.

Somebody's father.

Somebody's child.

Oh, my God. I know what you're saying. You want me to tutor you.

I most certainly do not.

Swing and a miss strike, too.

Don't be embarrassed. I work with remedial students all the time.

Remedial?

Remedial? It means slower.

the first time you started speaking to me, all that bravado covering your

insecurity. Hey, there is nothing underneath my bravado.

Listen, here's my card. Call me. I can help.

Bye.

I love being number two.

I'm not in the mood to look into your clothes right now.

Come on. I want to look great for Pete's party tonight.

Pete's party?

Yeah. He's number two.

We're going to celebrate at Mahoney's.

And if Tim the bartender plays his cards right, he'll be getting a five -foot

-five tip.

Oh, Pete.

What did he say to you?

Hee -haw.

be able to solve this with my feet.

Hmm.

There you go.

Wow, and you just did it so well.

Come on, Bert. You got it started for me.

Come on, what's going on with you?

Nothing.

What about this one?

Hooker.

Fight class or street?

Jerry Springer.

Bert, what's going on with you?

That. That's what's going on.

What? Don't you feel it? Feel what?

The strange angle the universe is on.

Everything's upside down. Black is white.

south, shirts or pants. My life is in a tailspin.

All because I'm number two.

I'm number two? But you're on the way.

What am I going to do?

Bert, if you really want to beat Ashley, why don't you try studying the material

more than once?

Oh, come on.

Bert, you know what I think?

I think you're afraid. I think you're afraid to try because if you try and she

still beats you, then you won't have an excuse.

I think you are so wrong.

I always have an excuse.

Fine, fine. But you know what? I bet you that Ashley's at the library right now

studying, and that's why she's going to be number one and you're not.

You're right.

You're right.

I've got to find a way to get Ashley to stop studying.

Thanks, Pete.

Berg.

What does this say?

Desperate.

Okay. I've got shoes to go with desperate.

Hey, I think it's great you came in second.

But did you have to bring it with you?

This is every bit her moment as it is mine.

There you go.

Excuse me. I didn't order that. I know. It's from the young lady at the end of

the bar.

Number two strikes again.

So you decided to stop by.

Oh, right.

Tim. Tim!

Forgot to work here sometimes.

What are you talking about? You had me call to make sure I was shitting.

I love the Cape Cod. Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi.

Ashley, this is Sharon, and that's Pete. Hi, Sharon and Pete. This is Ashley,

and she's my new tutor.

Your what?

Tutor.

I bumped into her at the library, and we thought we'd just take a little break

and come by and congratulate you.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse us.

Okay, whatever you're doing, I don't want any part of it. But it was your

What plan? To find Ashley in the library and get her drunk so she can't study.

I added the get her drunk so she can't study part.

What's going on? He's... ruining this girl's life so he won't have to study.

As long as I'm in the loop.

All right, team. Let's go in there and get her liquor.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, do you mind if I ask you a question?

Oh, sure.

Anything.

What's your friend's name?

She's really cute.

Her name is Ashley.

Keep feeding her drinks until her head hits the table.

Okay, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I'm not proud of either of you.

Ashley, Ashley, thank you so much for stopping by, but I don't want to keep

from the library, so... So, um, this model actually took second place? Yeah,

number two, and that's out of 200, by the way. But listen, I don't want to

you guys from studying, so... And, uh, the, uh, structural flaw didn't bother

them? What flaw?

That's a perfectly sound building.

Okay. Come on, Berg. We should get going. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

But what about the flaw?

There is no flaw. I mean, I defy you to find a flaw. Well, a strong enough wind

could blow it right over.

What, are you kidding me?

You're a med student. What the hell do you know about architecture?

Well, uh, my father's an architect.

Yeah, well, my mother's a woman, but that doesn't mean I understand them.

True, he really doesn't.

I didn't mean to start anything.

See, you didn't start anything because you're wrong. You're completely and

totally wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

And so's your dad.

See, there?

Knocked it.

Actually, I was talking about blowing from this angle, like this.

I'm sorry. Physics can be so cruel.

Okay, I'm in. Tequila shots all around.

Look at that guy.

I'm glad we're never going out.

Do you know he still lives with his mother?

How did you find that out?

I'm just guessing.

If this building had been real, I would be responsible for the deaths of

thousands.

Look, it fell on the little school bus.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I've worn out the cork in the bullseye. Maybe we should

pinball.

Boy, you got my number.

Shot? Absolutely.

I can shot just as many drinks as you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got that backwards.

I meant I can shop just as many drinks as you.

Well, I should be going.

It's getting pretty late.

Oh, shoot.

We kept you out all night. You didn't even get a chance to study for

test.

Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Oh, I studied for that already.

You did?

Well, then, I'm sorry I got you so drunk. I'll tell you, there's...

Nothing worse than taking a test with a hangover. Oh, it's okay. Apple juice

doesn't give you a hangover.

Apple juice.

You have not been drinking apple juice.

You've been drinking apple juice.

Well, of course I have. What kind of a moron would drink the night before a

test? Oh, oh, wait.

There is one I can think of.

Mr.

9201.

You know my student ID number? Gotta know the competition.

Yeah.

I knew who I was, and you just played along anyway.

That is so low.

Oh, but my scores are so high.

Believe me, Berg, I saw you coming a mile away, even before you tried that

pickup line.

I'm sorry, before?

You mean you noticed me?

Yeah, I noticed you. I found you to be rude and arrogant, and it made me

really happy to be the one to take you down a peg.

By going out with me.

Oh, when did I go out with you? Well, we're at a bar.

We're playing darts, Ashley.

Wait, I only played along with you to get you too drunk to take the test

tomorrow. If that's all you wanted, you could have left two hours ago.

So what's your point?

I think you kind of like me.

Good luck on the test tomorrow, Berg.

You'll need it.

Ashley, just one more question. What?

Do you ever catch yourself just gazing at me?

Thanks for the apple juice.

I'm not paying for the tutoring!

Oh, this was a great evening.

Is the building killer drunk?

No.

She's not drunk. She's studying for the test tomorrow, and she's going to bury

me. The ones with the big, stupid smile.

I realized something tonight.

Ashley is the most devious, conniving, double -crossing woman I've ever met.

And, uh, we must have children together.

When they go to school, don't let them park the bus near Pete's building.

I'm telling you, he's dead.

Dead, dead.