Original subtitles

This is just in. The markets don't like uncertainty.

Oil pipeline in the pipeline.

Let me be clear. Off the record.

How do I do this? And the answer is, we're out.

Are you looking for a tasty treat to satisfy your little Brexiteers and

Remainers at the same time? Then why not give them Theresa's Brexit fudge?

Theresa's Brexit fudge contains whatever you want, as long as you promise not to

resign. It's sweet, creamy and uncommonly vague.

So this agreement clearly states that we will not be vague in the customs union,

of which we will no longer be a member, while remaining firmly within it from

the outside.

Teresa lovingly hammers out her fudge in a small airless room in Westminster.

The House of Lords then adds up to 15 extra ingredients.

And then the House of Commons carefully removes them all again. The finished

product is flaky and nutty, but most of all, it's a complete confection. Neither

hard nor soft, it's deeply unsatisfactory.

Teresa's Brexit fudge.

Teresa's fudge is just enough to keep her in a job.

Will you buy it? Will anyone?

Excuse me, could you help? I'm trying to cross, but I've left my specs at home

and I can't see a thing without them. I guarantee my support in your safe

transition from this pavement to the one opposite.

You're good to go. Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, my God, what happened?

I was going to support that elderly human in her bid to safely cross the

then realised that I could not, in all good conscience, do so.

So I decided instead to guide her into oncoming traffic.

What? Why?

I think the fact that I took a difficult and unpopular decision proves that I am

a man of principle.

I trust I have your vote.

1 -2, 1 -2, Labour Live.

Oh, Jeremy Corbyn. You see, with the stress on the J.

All right, let's try it then.

Oh, Jeremy Corbyn. Oh, Jeremy

Corbyn. Right, yeah, you're getting there. OK, take five.

Afternoon, Jeremy.

Oh, hello, John.

Bloody hell, this place is absolutely huge.

Everything ready for tomorrow, then?

Yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah. Can't believe it's finally happening.

Labour Live, the most significant socialist symposium of the 21st century.

That is what this is going to be, isn't it? A serious forum for debating

affirmative action and the dismantling of the neoliberal consensus?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, good, because it could easily have become some sort of superficial,

sycophantic, cult of Corbyn type of thing. And we wouldn't want that, would

Sean, have you seen this lighting?

It's a smashing bit of kit, isn't it? This is the line -up, is it?

Can't say I've heard of any of the musical acts. Pretty big acts there,

We've got the magic numbers. You've got Rain Morris.

You've got Jermaine Jackman. Jermaine Jackson?

No, no, Jermaine Jackman. He's won the voice, John.

Who is Kate Othamore?

Well, it says here she's Shadow Secretary of State for International

Development.

Jeremy, hi. I just wanted to check that you're happy with everything we're

putting in the VIP goody bag.

VIP.

Very important proletariat, John.

We've got an I Heart Jeremy bumper sticker.

A Jez We Can mug.

And a Keep Calm and Corbyn on T -shirt.

Very good. Yes, groovy.

Look, it's just a bit of merchandise.

You've got to give the people what they want, John.

When it comes to the event itself, there will be a relentless focus.

On our agenda for radical change.

Okay?

Okay.

The workers. The workers.

Okay, let it go, Ronnie.

Well, they've got to be able to see it at the back.

from Moscow, where it is a scorching 14 degrees.

On behalf of our glorious leader, Vladimir Putin, we welcome all fans to

World Cup, which we won in fair and not sexy, sexy vote.

Russia invites all fans to our open and loving country. But there are a few

small things to remember.

First, don't be a gay.

There are no gay people in Russia.

All country 100 % certified hetero. But if you are gay and want gay beaten out

of you, that is service we offer.

Next, please respect our cultural norms and don't be not white.

If you're not white, of course you welcome in our country, but please hide

time in hotel under bed. Trust me, it's for best.

Finally, for any England fan who is white and not gay...

Enjoy tournaments free from discrimination.

We treat you just like everyone else. Thank you for attention.

And we look forward very much to see you at next World Cup in country even more

welcoming to everyone.

Qatar!

The Murdoch Punch!

The Murdoch Punch!

That is how we all became the Murdoch Bunch. Oh, look at you kids. You look so

cute.

Rupert, honey, we're ready.

Oh, no.

This one's blank.

What would you write on a Father's Day card if you liked your dad?

Google it. Here.

Oh, here's one. You are my hero and my role model.

You are the best man I know.

I am truly grateful to have you in my life.

They're coming.

Happy birthday!

So what have you bought your daddy on this most special of days? I got you a

bungee jump, Dad. I got you a diving with sharks day. I got you a running

the boys in Pamplona gift card.

Anyone would think you lot are trying to bump me off.

What about you, numbnuts? I thought we could go for a day out on my yacht.

No, I know you're trying to bump me off. Last time we went out on your yacht,

technically my yacht, because I bloody paid for it, I suffered a mysterious

heavy blow to the head, went arsed over tits, nearly broke my bleeding back.

You leeches were trying to Maxwell me. We would never do that.

You are my hero and my role model. You are the best man I know.

I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Yeah, very touching. You should know by

now, I'm indestructible. Like the news of the world.

Or should I say, the sun on Sunday.

Oh, careful, honey.

What did you get your daddy?

My daddy's dead, silly.

Not your actual father, I mean.

What did you get?

You're daddy.

Oh, we're right.

You know that every day is daddy's day in this house.

Cherry spazzle. Oh, honey, do you need one of my special massages?

See, kids, your little yacht plot has totally backfired. Ever since the

accident, Jerry's taken such good care of me.

I feel like I'm 21 again.

Reckon I could last forever.

Shall I get the oil?

That gets a big two thumbs up. Oh, yeah. We could try that as well.

A daredevil raccoon in St. Paul, Minnesota, had the internet

on Pentahook this week when it spent nearly a day scaling 23 floors of a

building. I mean, what's he hoping to get? French citizenship?

It's not that I've got anything against the internet. I just like shopping,

actual shopping, and supporting the local community.

Oh, I'm sorry, we're closing.

But it's only 2 .30.

No, we're closing down.

Oh, yes, of course.

Maureen Stevens is Britain's last shopper.

I always love popping in to pick up a bargain in Pound World.

It's amazing.

Everything costs a pound.

Including the business, it turned out.

I mean, the Hyde Street is changing so quickly.

Our local house, the Fraser, is now just a house.

And Maplin's is a charity shop. I think to raise money for people who used to

work in Maplin.

I find there's something about being able to actually touch stuff.

And you can't beat that real human interaction.

Can I get this, please?

Security, this woman's acting suspiciously.

Oh, I just want to buy this. I was going to pay for it.

Everyone knows that you come into a shop to work out what you want to buy, and

then you go home and buy it online for half the price.

Sling you up, weirdo.

I try to eat out on the high street as well if I can, but all the restaurant

chains are falling like dominoes.

Except dominoes.

Maureen has decided to show her granddaughter how things used to be

Let me show you how to pay with money.

Go up to the counter, you hand over a crisp £20 note, and you get a big heavy

handful of dirty change.

There, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Oh, you've got to love that human touch.

So much more personable than cybercrime, wouldn't you say?

She's going to fake and we'll break the news.

Ahoy there, me hearties.

I've got three sprongs. The air.

The spare and the spare for the spare.

And I'll pick them up on Tuesday.

Oh, no, you can't leave them. You have to supervise them at all times.

Oh, bugger it. Looks like Granny Camilla's going to stay.

Right, off you go.

Are you here because the polo's been rained off too?

No. School inset day. William insisted that me and Kate have some quality time.

The last time we did that, this one came along.

We're grateful to burn off some energy.

Yes, and I've been looking for something for that ever since Charles said we

weren't allowed to chase them with dogs.

Well, like any lady with a baby, I need to know where's... The changing room.

The bar.

That's odd. It only seems to be mixers.

Oh, God, I've left my shit flask in my other willies.

Where's the girl one gone?

Oh, I think she went in there.

Where are the SAS when you need them? Look, I'm going in. And if I don't make

back, tell Charles he's the best shag I ever had. Well, top five, anyway.

Come here.

One's wibbly bit the wedge.

Whee!

Wait there, George.

Are you in here?

That's quite fun.

Like the Grand National, but without having to shoot anything.

I found her.

She was in.

Coming soon to BBC One. If you're sick of football, here's another documentary

series where a random celebrity goes round looking at stuff that hasn't

been looked at by some other random celebrity.

I'm Julie Walters, and over the next six weeks, I'm going to be travelling the

length and breadth of the country to discover Britain's favourite fatberg.

Basildon must be really proud of this fatberg, Terry. I thought the Aberdeen

fatberg was special. This one is a cracker. What a terrific fatberg.

What's it made of?

Baby white, mainly, and oil from takeaway.

And what is that I can smell?

That would be shit.

Come on, lads. I want to see the passion of Brazil, precision of Germany, and

the speed of my resignation after the group stages.

Hey, Mr. Southgate, how you doing? I'm super excited about the World Soccer

Series. Sorry, who are you? I'm Janice from Amazon.

Oh, good. Have you got my order of wagon wheels?

I haven't been able to find any in Volgograd. No, I'm here because Amazon

soccer now.

Well, you say that, but at the end of the day, all you've done is bought the

rights to broadcast 20 premiership games next season. Yeah, and 10 years ago, we

just sold books. Part of what Jeff Bezos is calling our aggressive expansion

policy, which ultimately ends with us conquering Jupiter, is a totally

tax haven.

Blimey. Long -term, Amazon aims to acquire, well, everything.

And these soccer quarterbacks are very much on our radar.

So what, you'd like to sponsor the England team?

Hell no!

We like to take risks. We're not insane!

No, Amazon has decided the next step is to acquire the television rights to

individual players, like Harry Kane.

So if you could tell him not to pass the sterling, that would be really

appreciated by corporate.

What? But that's like my main tactic for unlocking the Tunisian defence.

Well, that may be, but BT Sport is planning to move on Sterling, so this is

a branding issue.

Kane could pass to Dele Alli.

Look, I'm not going to let some faceless corporation dictate the way my team

plays football, OK?

Managing England is a very highly skilled job.

Yeah, I understand.

I mean, it's not as if any of us have the technology to say, Alexa, manage the

English soccer team.

Selecting players.

Calculating strategy.

All right, all right. Harry, can you bang it over to Ali, mate? There's a

lad.

Now we're working together.

Seriously, though, if you haven't got any wagon wheels, can you get me some

penguins?

Passenger groups reacted with anger when Mark Kahn, the boss of Network Rail,

was appointed a CBE in the Queen's birthday honours.

What are they going to give him next? A seat in the House of Lords?

Actually, no. They should make him stand, shouldn't they?

Right, folks, it's bath time.

Children, such delicacy is bootless.

Nanny has spoken and must be obeyed. Bath time it is.

Hands off our fish, foul Spanish fishing vessel. These are British waters now.

Oh, no.

Without your English fish, we will have nothing to put in our paella.

Taking back control of the seas, are we, Mr. Rees -Mogg?

That I am, Nanny.

Shouldn't it be more like, Hola, don't forget the common fisheries policy still

applies during the transition period, so these are our waters until 2020.

Oh, no. The British fishing industry will never survive that long. We've been

sold down the river by the Tories.

Glug, glug, glug.

That'll be all, Nana.

Don't forget to wash your minnow.

Fancy a cuppa?

Already got it covered, haven't I?

I've set the smart kettle to come on just before the ad break.

Who's that texting you?

The boiler. The temperature outside has dropped by two degrees, so your smart

heating system is compensating accordingly.

He sure is not overcompensating.

It is damn hot in here.

No, it says it's the perfect temperature.

Would you turn the robo back off? It's really starting to annoy me.

It's been malfunctioning. It's not even programmed to be on now.

Do you really need every machine in the house to be connected to the network?

Get it with the toys, friend.

Music off.

Lights open.

Music off. Lights off.

Music off. Black stopping. Oh, how do I make it stop? Kylie, off!

For heaven's sake, I need some ice.

Bloody smart three, then!

I think the boiler's just sexted me.

What the hell is that?

I think it's a picture of its heating element.

Oh, God!

What are you two playing at?

Nothing, boss. You're not hacking into random people's smart appliances again,

are you? We are international superpower and have important work to do.

Now, there is harmless ex -spy to boy them in Chippenham Nandles.

Coming soon to BBC One, another series where the same celebrity

tries some different stuff.

I'm Julie Walters, and I'm going to be travelling the right...

We've been waiting at this stop for seven and a half hours now.

Do you think the bus is ever going to show up?

No bikes on the bus. What do you mean? I can't bring my bike on the bus. I had

it on the train.

And what am I supposed to do with it now?

So is this your favourite?

I wish I was dead.

That's Britain's favourite rail replacement bus service at 8 o 'clock on

One. Oh, it's running late. Now expected 8 .15.

Oh, it's being cancelled.

Where are we, Nicola? It feels particularly cold and inhospitable, even

Scotland. It's time to address the greatest humiliation in Scotland's

And I don't mean what happened at Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday.

He's still smarting about us not winning a curling medal at the Winter Olympics.

Of course I am.

Haven't you noticed, wee Mary, that to be a global superpower you have to be

successful at sport?

Why do you think the Russians cheat so much?

And for a while there, you know, Scotland was holding its own. Aye.

Sir Randy Murray, Sir Chris Hoy, Sir Jockey Wilson.

Did they knight him?

I don't know. Oh, they should have. Anyway, one's knackered, one's retired

one's dead. But I thought we still had the curling.

What went wrong?

We lost our secret weapon.

Iron brew.

Iron brew?

Aye. You can keep your steroids and your blood transfusions. Nothing gave us the

competitive edge like the rust -flavoured sugar hit of the best

drink in the Renfrewshire area.

And then those busybodies in Westminster made us reduce the sugar content.

Like finding out that it wasn't really made from girders isn't bad enough.

Not made from girders?

Are you going to answer that or what?

No. They'll just be my Twitter trolls.

The more vile abuse from narrow -minded idiots who struggle with the thought of

a gay woman being an MP.

A misogynistic prick!

Even you,

Head, you're fired.

Would you like an iron brew?

Oh, yeah.

Two sugars or four.

In international news, Donald Trump has signed a treaty with Kim Jong -un.

Trump said he got everything he wanted out of the deal.

Kim said he got everything he wanted too. So there.

Then Donald said, do you want to come and see my big house? And Kim said, do

want to come to my big house? And Donald said, I said it first. And Kim said,

yeah, but I said it best. So I win and you're a poo -poo pants.

At least that's how I imagine it went.

I just thought I could smell something, so I thought it was best to just call

the council.

Yeah, no, you were right to call. It's definitely an infestation.

Oh, no.

What is it, Max?

Thermite? Well, hipsters.

Looks like they've found their way into next door.

Is that what I could smell?

Yeah, speared oil.

I'm surprised you didn't hear them sanding the floorboards and discussing

Anderson films.

See, I thought I heard something, but I didn't see anything.

No, well, you wouldn't. They're mostly out during the day, hanging around

shops that used to be ironmongers or playing ping -pong, ironically.

Where do they get in?

Well, they just follow the cycle routes until they hit somewhere unfashionable.

Can you get rid of them?

Well, it's tricky.

We used to smoke them out, but now they think we're vaping and you just attract

more of them. Can't you put some poison down or something?

Not strictly legal, sadly.

What we can do is put a bit of bait down, some old vinyl or an artisan

egg. That draws them out, and then we trap them and release them in shore

or somewhere.

Because if you leave them, they'll just start breeding, and then house prices

are affected.

Will the value go down?

No, up, weirdly. No -one knows why, because hips are bloody awful, but mark

words, left unchecked, they'll price you out of this place in no time.

Oh, they won't be interested in this old house. We've got the original

fireplace, all the flopped wallpaper and the bathrooms from the 1930s. Oh, God,

you're going to be overrun.

Mark Rylance. No, no, no, please, please,

don't notice me. I'm just a man. I'm nothing special. Mark, it's me, Dame

Oh, my word!

Oh, what an honour. Oh, I admire your work so much. The wonderful stories you

tell. No time for that. I'm here because you, like me, have become something of

a national treasure.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, don't be afraid.

It offers opportunity.

Come with me.

You see that bath shelter?

Oh, yes.

I want you to throw this trainer on top of it. Why?

Just do it. And action.

Excuse me, sir.

Did you just throw a shoe on... It's you, isn't it?

You starred in Dunkirk.

The brave soldiers and the fishermen were the real stars.

It's you.

I love that film.

You couldn't have thrown a shoe, right?

You're a national treasure.

What's this feeling?

It's the thrill of getting away with it. And now that you're a national

treasure, you can get away with anything.

I am an anti -coaster. I am an anarchoaster.

Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it. I want to destroy.

Pass it by, because I... Oh, Dame

Judy, what a gift.

Why share it with me?

Well, I'm not getting any younger. Time to pass on the baton.

It would have been Bradley Wiggins.

Anyway. I thank you for this wonderful gift.

All right, dear, we're not at the BAFTAs now.

And if you ever need more tutelage, you know where to find it.

Oh,

you've stolen my handbag. Come back!

Sam Mendes gave me that bag!

Oh, sod it!

I'm Mark Rylance, and I'm king of the world!

Oh, my goodness.

What have I done?

Every day.

Millions of men around the world are enjoying things full of men.

But we can make it stop.

This is an appeal on behalf of feminists who ruin things men used to like.

Your donations to Femutal have already funded Ocean's 8, a summer blockbuster

that ruins the franchise by stuffing it full of women.

Your previous help made possible a female Doctor Who and a Ghostbusters

totally riddled with wounds.

We've done so much already, but there are still many things out there that men

love that women have yet to ruin. We need your help to push our agenda.

Just £10 a month could buy us a female James Bond.

£15 could give the world a female England football manager.

And £20 could help our important research into creating a viable female

Kemp. So please give what you can, because with your help, women can ruin

everything for men, except them getting paid more.

That's proven impossible.

What are you up to, old stick?

I'm looking for cameras.

Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching us right now?

I don't think so. Well, the Russians probably are.

And the CIA, I imagine.

And MI6 won't want to feel left out. But other than that, no.

What's brought all this on?

Well, I was flying back from the G7, and I decided to relax.

Oh, good.

Did you? No. But I decided to, and that's a start.

So I thought, I'll watch a film.

Well, I couldn't watch Paddington, because it's about an illegal immigrant

no skills.

And I couldn't watch The Shape of Water, because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve

of sexual relations with fishmen.

Especially outside marriage.

So... I watched a film called The Truman Show.

Oh, I see where this is going. Hear me out, Philip, because it all adds up.

Ever since I became Prime Minister, things have been utterly bizarre. It's

too bad to be true. I held an election against a man who was supposed to be

unelectable. I didn't win, but I had to carry on regardless.

Anyone in the Cabinet who likes me has to resign, and I'm forced to promote

rejects from the bin of...

to Frankenstein. And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe and we

allies, the US elects a shouting Scotch egg. And he's in peace negotiations with

North Korea, but on the brink of war with Canada.

Canada! And I have to rely on the DUP, who don't like gay people, but the

Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian.

None of it adds up. Yes, but... Darling, you did win on the Brexit amendment.

That's because they have to keep me on the show.

It's all designed to torment me. I'm trapped inside the Theresa show, and the

audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.

No, look, I promise you, all of this is happening for real.

Which I mean in the reassuring way. Europe is just this little problem that

iron itself out in the next year or 20.

What about Boris? What rational explanation could there be for him?

He's just a devious narcissistic bastard, darling.

So should I stop worrying?

Yes. Well, not about Boris, obviously, or Gove, or Barnier, but about the

show. Yes, you are not trapped in some sinister reality programme hosted by

Dermot O 'Leary.

That sounded very specific.

Just trust me. You are the real Prime Minister.

Yes.

I am.

Yes, you are. Now, you get out there and show them what you're made of. I will.

She's on to us.

Well, he called it a rollercoaster of silly sketches.

Listen to the Andy Field experience on BBC iPlayer Radio now. And from Fleabag

to This Country and Miranda, check out our comedy box sets available to watch

now on BBC iPlayer. Well, Graham follows the news. More on that in just a

second.