Original subtitles

This news just in. The markets don't like uncertainty.

Oil pipeline in the pipeline.

Let me declare.

Off the record.

How do I declare?

And the answer is, we're out.

She wants to be liked. She wants to see liked.

She wants to walk a mile in that shoe.

Every day in Austin, thank you. Had to break it to the nation. Thank you. Can I

break the news?

She wants to save it. She wants to play this. She really helps, but nobody's

food.

Every day a new sensation, take it to the waking nation. Keep on the thinking

while break the news.

Proven to secure.

You can do a number script help.

Would you mind?

Door handle?

Oh, crikey. Yes, of course.

This is just temporary until we move you to the safe house.

Do you know if there is a busy in the area?

Because I have a lot of these gift vouchers. I can check.

Are you sure that this place is secure? Ever since my statement last week was so

misunderstood, I feel like everyone is out to get me. I don't know if I can

trust the Russian government, the British government, the Salisbury

board. Don't worry, Miss Grappel. You are perfectly safe.

We know where you live.

They know where I live.

Because we know where you live, We have to contact you about GDPR.

We have updated our privacy policy. Are you happy to keep receiving bricks?

What do I say?

Just don't respond.

This could be your last brick. But I don't even remember agreeing to receive

bricks in the first place.

Margaret, is it just me, or am I starting to lose the confidence of the

people? Why would you say such a thing?

Well, I've just been sent this photo on Twitter.

You are starting to lose the confidence of the German people.

That is very direct.

Even for a German.

Oh, Birgit.

Is the honeymoon really over after a mere 13 years?

When I think of all I have sacrificed for this job, the sleep, the weekend,

with my husband.

You have a husband?

Who do you think this was?

I just thought it came with a frame.

So what do you think the problem is?

Partly the hair, but the tie's not helping.

Oh, no, not with him. With my popularity.

Oh, well, maybe you just need to reconnect with the German people.

And how do I do that?

Well, I don't know.

You seem to have managed to keep your marriage ticking along with these years.

How do you keep that spark alive?

Well, I, uh... Well,

you can't do that to all the German people. Not with my schedule, no.

You could get a bold new haircut.

But I got a bold new haircut only last week.

You did? Yeah.

But I do think that this side is all sexy, sexy.

And this side just screams fiscal responsibility.

Oh, yeah, I see it now.

What, it's too subtle? A little.

You know what would really spice things up?

An affair.

What? Shit on Germany?

Well, it might make them realize what they got.

And there are a lot of countries that would love a nice leader like you.

What about Italy?

Are they looking for a new prime minister?

Endlessly. No, I think that the combination of me plus Italy is just too

sexy. Well, how about Britain? They already have a leader. That lady with

nice shoes that she can't walk in. Yeah, but she's not popular.

Well, then the opposition will swoop in. You'd think.

All I'm saying is just think about it.

You know, Birgit, you have helped me make a decision.

Really? So we're going to Britain? Nein.

Looking into her eyes has made me realize that there are worse countries

leave than Germany.

Coming soon to every single cinema screen anywhere near you.

Help me, Obi -Wan. You're my only hope. They keep churning out Star Wars movies

and no one can stop them.

Lucasfilm presents the seemingly endless conveyor belt of Star Wars spinoffs.

Following the mild success of the young Han Solo film comes extremely young Luke

Skywalker.

Blimey. The force is strong with this one.

Then comes extremely old Chewbacca.

And that's followed by, I don't know, a CGI Princess Leia spinoff, maybe?

this now I'm dead and you know what I bet the ghost of Peter Cushing is still

making more than me Star Wars episodes 9 through 683 may the franchise

be with you good

afternoon I won't shake. I'm in the middle of high tea and I'm up

to my elbows and kidneys. I'm here for the interview with Jacob Rees -Mogg. Do

come in.

Allow me to take your coat.

Thank you.

This is Nanny, by the way. I'm sure you've heard of me. I used to be his

and now I'm nanny to his children.

It's the most amusing scenario. She's been in the family for 50 years.

You get left for murder.

Yes, thank you, Nanny.

Can I offer you some tea? Oh, yes.

Milk and sugar?

Just milk.

There you go.

Very kind of you.

Always a perfect gentleman, isn't it, Sir Rhys Mogg? Whenever I'm making

or changing Sixus's nappy, he stays right out of my way.

Now, I forget in which publication this interview is to appear.

Oh, I'm sorry. Perhaps I should begin by setting out to you the basis of my

political philosophy.

What I believe in above all is hard work.

The fundamental problem with socialism is that it creates a culture of

dependency. People expect things to be handed to them on a plate, but that's

the way life works.

So instead of looking after the poor or the infirm, we must always encourage

people... Float.

..to look after themselves.

I'm really sorry. I think there's been a misunderstanding.

I'm not here to interview you, Mr Rees -Mogg.

I'm here to be interviewed for the housekeeping position.

What housekeeping position?

Well, the advert said you were looking for an extra pair of hands. I don't

recall placing any such advert.

It's just... But I fear you've had a wasted journey, because, as you can see,

can manage perfectly well on my own.

American TV star Roseanne Barr has been in hot water for tweeting a tirade of

thoughtless racist insults in the early hours of the morning.

Who does she think she is?

President Trump?

Right, I'm off to lunch. I will see you in a bit.

What? No, you can't go.

Vicky's at the dentist and Misha's off sick.

So? Haven't you heard?

It's now illegal to be just men in a room without a woman present.

I don't think it is.

Yeah, I think I read about that in the papers.

Hashtag Me Too.

Right, yeah, no.

Me Too is about the harassment of women.

And if there's just men in a room, there are no women to be harassed. They

wouldn't make you put a woman in a room full of men. Well, they have.

It started on panel shows and now it's everywhere.

Political correctness gone mad.

No, that's another issue. That's about representation and equality. Half the

society are women, so the workplace should try and reflect that.

What, so you're saying that we need more women? Well, shit.

Tony, go and grab us some women before we become sexist.

No, grabbing women is the problem.

Political correctness gone mad.

Look, it's very simple. Just afford women the same freedom, rights and

opportunities as men and don't mentally or physically abuse them. What was the

last bit again?

You don't have to write it down. Just treat women with respect.

Same as men?

Yes. Treat women like men.

Like one of the lads. Here, Kirsty.

That Kirsty's a bit of all right, isn't she?

No, no, don't define women by their gender. Political correctness gone, man.

Shut up.

It's OK.

I've found one. Cancel the police.

Nobody called the police.

So much goes unreported. You can go now, Kirsty. We are all covered. You want me

hoovered? Oh, yeah, sure. No, wait. We define it by gender. That's women's

No, it isn't. He's right. What do you do when you're not cleaning?

At weekends, I go club.

Do dance.

Great. Do that.

Phew!

Headed that one off at the park.

If it's not solving the problem.

She's right.

Equal pay.

Go on, everyone.

Chuck money at her.

Well done, lads. This could so easily have made us look bad.

To be clear, Arlene, you insist that Northern Ireland must be

treated exactly like the rest of the UK, except on the issue of abortion, where

it must be completely different.

No, I don't see any contradictions there either.

Great to work with you. Speak soon.

God, I hope not. That came for you.

More shoes?

Yes. Buying shoes is my way of relieving stress.

Bath and clothing libraries.

If only we could get a trade deal from somewhere, Philip. Something that could

really rally the country and shut Boris up for five minutes.

It's an awfully big box.

Yes, they use so much packaging.

Paul here and... Wedgehunt!

Mr President!

What a pleasant shock.

I thought, hey.

Why don't I do a practice run to the United England?

I wanted to avoid the crowds of people in the streets who all love me. After

this, you could post me to the North Korea summit. I'm not going to the

I am going to the summit.

I am going, and I'm not going to the summit.

So you came all the way in this box.

Was it a good journey? It was tremendous.

I watched Black Panther on my phone.

You know, I truly believe that if I had been in that fight in the waterfall for

the kingdom of Wakanda, I would have won it very easily. A very popular king.

The best king.

Whoa, what's that?

Is that the Brexit button?

Can I push it? No, don't. That calls the SAS, so best not to.

You know what? Since he's here...

Oh, that's a good idea, Philip. Donald, we would love for you to sign this. It's

just a little trade deal to show the world that Brexit isn't a slow -creeping

catastrophe.

Sorry, it's a huge trade deal. Ooh.

Biggest one of all time.

Oh, OK. Well, I'll sign it, but first...

Let's talk about me.

Who am I going to golf with when I come here? I mean, not you. You're not

famous, and you're not hot. We did speak to a number of golfing celebrities

about that, but they say they're washing their hair.

All of them?

No, some of them said they were dead.

Listen, I'm sure that a lot of people would love to play golf with you. And as

soon as you sign this, we can call more of them. Wait, I want to threaten

nuclear war with North Korea real quick.

I'm bored.

What are we doing now?

Well, um, you're signing this trade deal.

No, I mean tonight. What do you guys do on the weekend?

I like to stay in, and then I go to church.

Well, sometimes you mix things up a bit. Yes, I go to church, and then I stay

in. I don't believe in God.

I'm very religious.

You're not going to church this weekend.

We're not going to go meet some porn stars, and we're not going to hang out

them and pay them 150K because we didn't bang them.

That sounds very interesting.

I'm going to go to Singapore now.

I might have a summit with North Korea, or I might have it with myself. I could

summit myself a lot, and it can be very loving and meaningful.

Well, it's been lovely having you here.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Merkel.

Hey, do you guys have a bathroom? There isn't one in this box.

Yes, it's... Uh -oh, too late.

You guys have a towel?

In health news, Jamie Oliver has been lobbying MPs to ban cartoon characters

unhealthy cereal packaging.

Want to put them off the stuff?

Just stick Jamie Oliver's mug on the boxes.

Bosh. Job done.

This is no good, Nicola.

I've scrubbed and I've scrubbed, but they still smell of London.

A wee rub of Glen Moran's, you should do the trick.

Thanks for coming to get me from Westminster, Nicola. I hate it down to

house. It was no bother. I had to pop down anyway to spray -paint Judith on

Regent Street branch of the Edinburgh woolen mill.

Hang on. A cup and a straw.

Nicola, what are you doing?

Scotland leads the way in plastic reduction.

We're the first to ban cotton buds and straws. Aye, I know. All that waste

plastic created a huge floating plastic island out there in the sea.

Decrease? No, it's an opportunity.

We shouldn't be reducing our plastic use. We should be increasing it. Why?

Well, think about it.

The Chinese are using plastics to make runways. The Colombians are using it to

make houses. So what if we use plastics to make more Scotland?

More Scotland?

As big as England? Bigger! Make us the major land mass in the UK.

See how they like being the little stuck -on bits full of angry people.

We could make them get the sleeper train to us instead of the other way round.

I'm calling it Operation Scotland's Rubbish.

Well, that's just a working title.

It starts by putting all the discarded plastic into the first of fourth.

It moves down to the North Sea. More plastic. All the plastics. We'll wrap

in plastic.

Make plastic bagpipes.

Plastic bags to carry plastic bags.

I'm doing my bit. Look.

I've got plastic bottles.

I've got plastic cups.

I've got plastic sandwich wrappers.

You didn't really think I was going to eat coronation bloody chicken.

Quick, we're on the East Coast main line. We can get it direct into the sea

here. I know, yeah, we marry. We're only at Berwick -upon -Tweed. Wait until we

cross the border.

The last thing we want to do is accidentally make more England.

Well, wait a second.

Are we getting a wee bit carried away?

I mean, when you think about it.

What's more important? The entire future of this fragile planet Earth?

Or Scotland?

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now entering Scotland.

Dunbar, next stop. Next stop, Dunbar.

You all right in there? It's better than the new U .S. Embassy.

Careful with that. It's got the President of the United States in it.

Oh, my hair!

Morning, Mr Nookie.

That's a nice juicy pear.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Morning,

Bat. Morning, Dr Willie.

Sorry, Mr Nookie, is it swollen this morning? It is now.

Oh, sorry,

I can't do this. I really can't take it anymore.

Just done a triple shift.

I mean, I've been up for 48 hours.

I bet they...

But no, in all seriousness, we are so under -resourced. I mean, we've got more

managers than we do medical staff.

Talk about top, Eddie.

I'll say.

Come along, Doctor.

Get a grip.

You've got a massive backlog.

That's just the way he's standing.

Right then.

Came in with acute sinusitis, then contracted MRSA.

Oh, he's all stiff.

Sounds promising.

No, I mean he's dead.

Oh, not another one.

I love looking after people, but it's getting so hard.

What? Well, no, the NHS is on the brink. We need 50 billion by 2030. All the

foreign nurses are leaving because of the government's hostile environment,

we do not have enough beds.

Well, I don't mind doubling up.

A man in your condition shouldn't be getting so much excitement.

Oh. Oh, Mr Nookie, bad news. I'm afraid your operation's been cancelled. You

what? It's just a routine NHS operation and our NHS routine is to cancel them.

Oh, not again.

Oh, my ticker. Nurse, do something.

I am. I'm moving to Australia.

They're crying out for nurses down there and the pay's double.

What? You can't just leave on the promise of better pay and conditions and

actually hold up, I'm coming too.

Wait, you can't go down under without asking first.

Hey, don't leave me. I've got acute angina.

Acute angina?

Oh, forget it.

An undocumented migrant who scaled the outside of a Paris apartment block to

rescue a child dangling from a balcony has been awarded French citizenship.

If only the Windrush lot were still nimble enough to climb, Amber Rudd might

still be in a job.

Christ, it's early.

Oh, what a bloody nuisance having to let rooms out on Airbnb.

But Charles said that the wedding cost a few guineas more than expected, so now

he's got me on a tight financial rein.

Would anyone like breakfast?

Yes, please.

There you are, my darling. Oh!

Not you too. Bloody hell.

Toast? Yes, please.

Oh, you see, the trouble with his organic shit is that it goes mouldy.

Still, it's probably good for you.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Now, would you like anything to drink?

Yes, please.

Gin or vodka?

Um, coffee?

Christ, one of those health nuts. How do you take it? Gin or vodka?

Milk. Well, it's out there in the cow. Do help yourselves. Just pull the bit at

the bottom.

Sugar? One, please.

There we go.

There we go.

Steady, boy. Steady, boy.

Well, I trust you'll give us a good review.

I think it's important to be honest.

But I think it is equally important not to commit treason.

She's gonna fake it while, fake it while, fake it while, break the news.

Oh, it's Jedder. Oh, hi, Jeremy. Jedder!

Jeremy Corbyn. All right, lads.

Selfies all round, is it? All right.

Here we are. I'm going to put the hat on. Stay on brand.

You might want to put that on social media. Promote the gig.

What gig?

What gig?

Oh, you've been out of the country. Oh, we're doing a massive rally here at

White Hart Lane.

Recreation ground.

Labour Live.

You might want to come along and still get tickets.

You can still get tickets.

Selfies all round, is it?

I'm very angry with you, Mr Corbyn.

You need to do more about the anti -Semites in your party.

I hear you. I am all over it like cream cheese on a bagel.

It's all right to say that, is it? Some of the guys you hang round with are very

bad people.

Yeah, but it's very good talking to you.

Right. A bit awkward.

But I want you to know that I'm completely on top of all this Jewish

lads. I've spoken to every single anti -Semite in the Labour Party and I've

them in no uncertain terms.

Tone it down a bit.

Actually, I've always been very careful about the company that I keep.

Jeremy?

Gary Adams.

Oh, God.

Who the hell are you, you old double?

Yeah, well, I'm far, actually. What are we doing here?

Well, I always promised myself when I retired from Sinn Féin, I'd come to

and do all the touristy stuff, Madame Tussauds, the London Eye.

I got a few funny looks at Buckingham Palace, but you're... What can you do?

Friends of yours?

As myres.

Quite right, too.

He's my kind of guy, this fella. A real rabble -rouser back in the day.

Some of the stuff you used to say at those old Bobby Sands commemorations.

Lads, will you take a selfie of us?

Oh, oh, oh, is this really necessary?

Everybody's just obsessed with photographs nowadays.

I'll tell you one thing. Jeremy was always a great supporter of the

arms struggle. I'm going to have to correct you there, Jerry.

All I ever tried to do in Northern Ireland was bring about peace. I never

supported the military campaign.

No. And I was never a member of the IRA.

Is that the time?

Well, can we car share a light, sir?

Yeah. Environment and all that. Yeah, I'll see you around, Jerry.

Long. You can drop me anywhere.

A bit awkward.

I'll burn another bloke.

Jeremy Corbyn? Yeah, that's right.

It's me, Ismail, from Hamas. Oh, bloody hell.

How are you, my friend?

I haven't seen you since you invited me to the House of Commons.

It was you, me, those guys from Hezbollah?

Raheem Sterling's tattoo of a machine gun on his calf continues to cause

controversy. Sterling says he got the tattoo to remember his father who was

killed by machine gun fire.

For similar reasons, I got a tattoo of a packet of woodbine unfiltered just here

on my boob.

Dead classy.

Are you a Ramoner who's scared about life after Brexit? Worried you'll be

to queue for hours at passport control while the rest of the EU walks by

laughing at you?

Well, you should be, you big British eejit. But don't worry, Paddy Passport

help. The deadline for Brexit is fast approaching.

So join the 160 ,000 Brits who have already applied for an Irish passport,

presumably one that says, I'm still European, so don't fucking hate me. Our

dedicated team will trawl through your ancestry and find some kind of Irish

relative who qualifies you.

Sure. Everyone's a bit Irish, aren't they? Petty passports help me remember

my own mother was from Dublin.

So the next time you see me playing Mrs. Brown, it'll be the second other one.

If we can't find even a bottle of Irish in you.

Don't stress yourself now. We also have thousands of authentic Irish men and

women ready and waiting to tie the knot.

I'll share my frictionless borders with any British man.

And he can take me to a country where it rains marginally less and I don't have

to vote to get access to a safe abortion.

Everyone's a winner.

And we don't just do Ireland.

Now we sort passports for remainers with tenuous links to any EU country.

I hardly realise it's hot with Sally Greek.

Say, we both got one.

So now, when the family nips over to Santorini, we'll get to laugh at Will

Kate stuck in the British queue.

So no delay. Go to passportsforyou .com now.

Not available in blue.

Oh, it's fancy.

Mr Southgate.

E -room service.

Only asked for a bag of plain crisps about an hour ago. We represent the

government.

We do not represent Russian government, neither did men who made prank calls to

Boris Johnson.

No, though that was hilarious.

Sorry, what do you want? Listen carefully.

England will go out of World Cup in first round. Yeah, well, everyone says

but I think if we can get Sterling fed well from the wings, we've got a

chance tonight. No, listen.

England will lose first match 5 -0.

Well, yeah, that is a possibility, but I think with a midfield engine of Dier

and Ali... Mr Southgate.

We are trying to threaten you. Yes, it would be great shame if Beautiful Hand

were to get trapped in Corby Trouser Trash.

Nothing is going to stand in the way of Russia winning World Cup.

What, you mean you really think that we could stand in your way, like we've got

a chance this year? I knew it. All this team needed was a leader that inspires

confidence and composure.

Yeah, that is who we should be talking to. Where is this great leader?

No, I meant me.

Is this the right man?

Yes. Dex Doudan, Gareth Southgate, Zuckerblatt, Euro 96, Rashby, missed

Yeah, that was one time.

Are these players that you use for World Cup?

Yeah. In this formation?

Yeah.

Forget that we say anything.

Come on, let us go and threaten more dangerous sides like Panama or the great

sporting nation of Saudi Arabia.

W .H. Smith has been voted the worst shop on the high street in a poll

by Witch magazine.

Customers ranked it... Don't people ever get tired of voting in this country?

Honestly, just enjoy the time off. It's a bloody stationary shop. We all know

it's shit. Why do we need to have a vote about it? Shouldn't we all just get a

life? Hey, why not vote now?

Vote on that.

Hello?

My name is Carl, and I've been asked here today to do some work around trust

your boss, Michael Gove. Yes, trust.

So important. Can I just say that I am 100 % behind you here, Carl? Thank you.

I'm not sure about Carl.

So, for our first exercise, someone is going to let themselves fall backwards,

and Michael is going to catch them.

Cherry, if you'd like to help out here. Don't worry, Cherry. I can categorically

assure you... that you have my total support in relation to this exercise.

So you promise you'll catch me? I can unequivocally state that I will

catch you. Right, Cherry.

In three, two, one... Ow!

You moved!

Yes, I was fully committed to catching you, but then I realised that in all

conscience I could not do so, so I decided and said not to.

Why do you think that was, Michael?

I don't know.

But I think the fact that I made a difficult and unpopular decision proves

I am a man of principle.

OK, maybe let's try something else.

Tom, I'm going to ask you and Michael to stand facing each other, join hands and

simply look each other in the eye for 20 seconds, OK?

It's probably just sweat.

I don't excrete a resin.

OK.

And time starts now.

And time's up.

Michael, how was that for you? I actually feel much closer to Tom, like

now an unspoken bond of trust between us. That's great.

And what about you, Tom?

Tom? It's possible that I have absorbed his soul.

OK. If I could have another volunteer, then...

Well, maybe I'll do this one myself.

I'm going to put on this blindfold, and Michael is going to guide me to those

apples over there, avoiding all the obstacles in the room.

And you have my unwavering assistance in this matter. Wonderful.

Forward, forward, forward, forward, forward, forward, stop, and turn right,

left, and turn left, and forward.

Forward. A little bit more.

A little bit more. A little bit more.

Well,

that's lunch.

Don't worry.

I won't run off without paying.

She doesn't really think 600 bottles of wine, but she has been dumped and is

feeling impulsive.

BBC3 drama on iPlayer now. You can also catch up on the series so far of All

Round to Mrs Browns ahead of another celeb fest at 9 .10 tomorrow.