Original subtitles

Oh, it's Christmas.

Let's have a wonderful Christmas time.

Spirits rising, it's party time.

The following special is intended for retailers only. This special is not

intended for the general public.

Well, we're doing all we can.

If he's a fighter, he'll have a chance.

That his body has been through hell.

But we'll try everything we can, Doyle.

Jennifer, come here.

Please, Jennifer, come here.

Come on, Jennifer, come here.

The crimbus holidays are coming, yes?

Do you want to hear my favorite crimbus story?

It's all about the Tim and Eric.

Awesome show.

Great job.

Crimbus special.

Now available on DVD.

It all began one night on the crimbus stage.

It's the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job Crimbus Special. Now available on

DVD.

Starring Tim and Eric.

Featuring Carol and Mr. Henderson.

James Quall.

Terry Green.

Dr. Steve Brule.

Winter Man.

Pierre. And the Tim and Eric Dancers.

And now, please welcome to the stage, Tim and Eric. And there's all our

We're almost there.

Hi, everybody.

Happy Krimbus, everybody.

Happy Krimbus. I'm so excited for all my Krimbus gifts this year.

Ooh, I can't wait to find out what I got inside my Krimbus bush.

What am I going to get?

What the heck am I going to get?

What am I going to, what am I going to, what am I going to get?

What am I going to, what am I going to, what am I going to get?

What's he gonna get? Gotta keep it trimmed and wet.

What's he gonna get for Krimbus? Gotta keep it trimmed and wet.

What's he gonna get for Krimbus? Gotta keep it trimmed and wet for Krimbus.

What's he gonna get in his Krimbus bus?

It's the season of getting. It's the season of fear.

Everybody gather round the bush this year. It's the season of getting.

It's the season of fear.

Everybody gather round the bush this year.

Come on, everybody.

Let's have a dance party.

Now this is nice.

Pretty good, huh?

Winter man is coming through the forest down to his crimbus cave inside the

woods. Now's the time to tell him everything you want inside your crimbus

bush.

What am I gonna get?

Fuckin' bugs! What am I gonna get?

Fuckin' bugs! What am I gonna get?

Fuckin' bugs!

show great job crimbus special so good to be here hello hey you know what eric

i'm already having a good time i hear you tim there's no better way to spend

crimbus holiday than singing and dancing with your loved ones and all your

friends yeah i wish we had some kind of digital memory of this wonderful night

what do you mean like a computer print out of the script well not exactly it's

as if we had recorded the whole thing on video and saved it onto some kind of i

don't know a disc

That sounds too good to be true, Ted.

Hi,

guys.

Who are you?

I'm a DVD monster, but you can call me DV.

Hi, DV.

Hey, nice meeting you, DV.

Happy Crimvus, DV.

Did you know that this amazing TV special is now a DVD?

News, news. That's going to be one of the greatest DVDs on the market. Tim,

a crimson miracle that this DVD even exists.

Retailer, is your store prepared to handle 100 DVDs of the Tim and Eric

Show Crimpa Special?

Cinco factories are burning DVDs fast. One of the greatest crimpa specials of

all time can now be yours. Order your pallet of 100 DVDs or more and receive

this special end cap featuring Cinco's Lulling Spray. Cinco's Lulling Spray

safely lulls your customers into buying this must -have DVD.

Plus, if you order now, you'll also receive this bonus feature, the complete

Crimpa's Carol, starring Carol and Mr. Henderson.

Hey, piggy, piggy.

Hi, Mr. Henderson.

Whoa, how many breakfasts do you have this morning, huh?

Just one.

You look like a big atom bomb.

Yeah. You know what I'm going to do with you this weekend?

Get it all mapped out. I'm going to tie you up, get you in my barn, let the

animals have at you for smacking the mouth with my whip.

Okay, pay, pay, pay, pay. Thank you, Mr. Anderson. Thank you, sir.

Hoi, hoi, hoi. Happy Christmas Eve, my darling, my sweet.

Got a little low -fat breakfast for you here. Going to help you start the day

right. It's not even.

You've got to find the center. It's not balanced.

I don't know where... Mr. Henderson, I'm really not hungry and I'm not in the

mood. But you have to try some of these berries. I just picked them from the

garden. They're full of vitamin D.

Just lick one.

That's my girl.

Any more?

No. Thank you.

I'll let you get some more rest, hon.

You take care. Anything you need, you just ring a bell.

I wish I had my old Mr. Henderson back.

I don't love him anymore.

I don't want him anymore.

Unless he spits on my face.

Treat him like I bless his face.

We'll be back with more of A Krimpus Carol.

It's Brule's Rules with Channel 5's Dr.

Steve Brule.

Oh, hi. I'm Dr. Steve Brule. Here to remind you of the rules of Krimpus.

Rule number one,

the winter man's not happy unless you eat a pound of hair in the year.

If you don't want to eat it from your head, have hair from the other parts of

your body.

Just reach down by your dingus and pour it.

There's a chunk.

But everyone knows you have to eat your fair share of hair or the winter man

doesn't come.

Bring it here.

Happy Krimbus.

Hope you're enjoying the show.

We'll be right back.

We now return to the Tim and Eric Krimba special.

Hi, and welcome back to the Krimba show.

Welcome back, everyone.

Say, Tim, what are you up to today?

Well, Eric, I'm actually going to be seeing Ben -Hur.

Ben -Hur!

I love Ben -Hur. I would love to tag along.

Sorry, Eric, I'd like to spend a little bit of one -on -one time with old Ben.

Oh, no.

Tim, please.

I want a cup.

Well, the truth of the matter is, I'm also going to be doing some crimbus

shopping for my best friend.

Who, me?

Who,

me?

Who,

me?

Okay,

in that case, have a great time, Tim, shopping for your best friend.

Adios, muchacho.

Start the thing.

Ah, nothing better than taking a stroll through the big city.

Ah, Ben -Hur. There you are, right on time.

Hi, Ben -Hur.

Happy Krimbus. Happy Krimbus to you. Stop it.

What is it that you've been doing?

Well, I'm out here trying to do some Krimbus shopping for my best friend,

But I just don't know what to get him.

Hmm.

Why don't you get him some panties?

Panties sound like a great idea.

I could wear those panties under my manly underwear and nobody would know.

Or you can get him the Tim and Eric Awesome Show.

Great job.

Crimpus DVD.

I have a good time putting those panties on, putting them over my head.

Sorry, Ben, I didn't hear your last suggestion.

You know, the panties would be a great idea for me, but I don't know so much

about for Eric.

I've got to find him the greatest crimbus present ever.

So I'd better get back to my shopping. Great running into you, Ben.

Come on, coat, move the thing.

We'll be back with more of the Tim and Eric Crimbus Special.

Hi. I'm the actor Terry Green. I have a very important announcement to make. The

DVD that you've been watching has just been given the Terry Green seal of

approval.

Previous recipients of the Terry Green Seal of Approval have been Stephen

Studies Fort Lauderdale starring Terry Green.

Definitely see him in here.

Feminine POV.

You need to tell your horse to show you some more respect.

Take a picture of this one.

Hoses starring Terry Green.

What part of Don't Touch My House Hose don't you understand?

Here to accept the seal of approval is Executive Vice President in charge of

and Eric's sales, Dundor.

I'm just happy to receive this. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it.

It's a great honor. I'd like to thank my family. Trumpets!

No, didn't do it again.

Boater! When I put the wreath of dawn door, you do the trumpets. I don't have

trumpets on cue.

Trumpets.

We now return to...

A Krimpus Carol, starring Carol and Mr. Henderson.

We're on this Pana Paxil stuff, and they say do not drink red wine with it, but

what could a couple glasses do?

Hey, did I tell you what Carol allowed me to get myself for Krimpus this year?

Can I tell him? Oh, boy.

A new guillotine.

Hmm?

She's a beaut. Really great.

This is my seventh, but she's the best. I'm calling her Nancy.

I'm bummed with it.

Look at that bad boy.

Hmm?

Isn't that a beaut?

And to you, I tell you what, she has changed my life. I admit, you know, and

Emil, I might owe you an apology. I used to be a real son of a bitch. It's true.

I have become a different man.

I love myself. I love my body.

I got a priority on the list that I keep in the back of my head.

My wife, my ghillies, and my beautiful bee garden.

So, I say we raise a toast to my wife, Carol Henderson.

I love her to bits. I want to kiss her on the lips.

Happy Christmas, guys. Thanks for joining us.

Mmm, hot wine.

Mmm. All right.

Take it easy.

Okay. Bon appetit, huh?

Anyone have a slice here?

Have a bite.

Like this.

You like that?

You like me now?

She hasn't eaten all day, so I think we're all a little hungry.

Emil, you're paying for this, right?

You like this?

No worries here.

You like me now?

You like that?

You like that? All right, hon.

Sweetheart, come on.

That's enough.

Come back.

That's it.

That's my little girl.

She's all right.

My apologies.

Hey, everyone.

Who's in the mood for some laughs?

What do you mean, like this?

No,

you dummy. I'm talking about the laughs from a professional comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the crimbus comedy of

James Caul.

Mary Krimbus, ladies and gentlemen, this is James Kroll.

Krimbus is the season of receiving.

I hope I don't receive coal in my underwear this year.

And home prices, no, home sales, actually.

Yeah, home sales have hit a new low.

Now, this is just a wild guess.

What kind of baked beans do you like, James?

Oh, that's right.

Well,

Boston baked beans.

A lot of them can be found frozen before anybody even puts them in a freezer.

Boston baked beans, of course.

How about your classic pizza joke?

That's right.

One of the things that you can get from Time Time is pizza, which will help keep

the pizza places in business.

And let's not forget about that old crimbus carol. The crimbus bash, the

bash, all line up to get your style.

All right.

Okay.

Okay.

Happy crembus.

Thank you.

Oh, perfect.

And for my first wife, happy crembus to you.

Oh.

What's the matter? You don't like it?

No, it's not that. It's just that I'm so hungry.

I wish there was food inside the animal.

Hired of this happening to you every crimpus morning?

Sure. Then this crimpus, show your loved one you really care with the Zinco

Pasta Bear.

The Zinco Pasta Bear is a handcrafted stuffed teddy bear filled to the brim

fresh Italian -style pasta.

Simply boil the bear overnight.

No problem with that. The boiling helps ensure that all parasites and viral

diseases have been destroyed.

Then dry out your crimpus bear with a germ -resistant rag.

Next, place the bear in a microwave oven for 45 minutes.

The microwave heats the pasta and kills any remaining bacteria or germs.

Then, using a hunting knife, cut open the bear to reveal the pasta.

Using your eyes, double -check to make sure no insects or insect larvae

before eating.

Finally, throw away the bear to avoid the spread of disease.

And ta -da!

Dinner is served!

It's the perfect gift for Krimbus. Order yours today?

The Cinco legacy continues.

We'll be right back with more of the Tim and Eric Krimbus special.

I don't really remember what happens next.

Oh, heck, it's coming to me.

Hold on a minute.

We now return to the Tim and Eric Crimson special.

Hey, Eric, what are you doing here? Tim, I'm waiting in line to see Winter Man.

No, duh, eh?

No, the joke can't be people laughing at me because it will suck.

Tim, it's okay. I'm just so excited to see Winter Man and tell him what I want

for Krimbitz this year. In fact, I'm going to sneak in the front of the line

right now. Excuse me.

Emergency!

Winter Man!

Hello?

I want a gravy boat.

I want a pasta there.

I want my own website.

Mostly to post nude pictures of my family.

Share them with my close friends.

I want a wet friend kit.

Wait a second, Winter Man. I have a problem.

I just don't know what to get my best friend Tim for Krimbus.

Nonsense. Krimbus is for receiving.

What does it matter?

Well, it's very important to me. I want to impress him. So what does he like? He

likes home entertainment at a reasonable value.

He loves the Krimbith Holiday and really enjoys musical specials.

You should get him the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job Krimbith Special

How about a can of fish?

I have to think about that one.

We now return to A Krimpus Carol.

That's better. What can I say?

Done it again?

What was that, my honey pie carol there coming down?

Yeah, it's me, Mr. Henderson. I'm looking for a light bulb.

Boy, the beautiful G I got here.

Yeah, it's really nice.

I'm sending you kippin'.

Boy, your feather vest is really coming in handy, by the way. You know, I can't

find these light bulbs anywhere.

Well, try the storage bin there. Hey, listen, if you're going to make an egg

salad sandwich, I'd love to have one of my own.

Sure, whatever you want.

You know, Carol, I love these guillotines, but not as much as I love

dear. I do love you.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Your head got caught in one of these.

Oh, boy.

Your head be rolling down.

This is a beautiful view.

Couldn't poke in that beautiful view of wood like this.

Well, I tell you what, can you imagine getting your head cut off in one of

geese?

I'm so sorry, Mr. Henderson.

I never meant to hurt you, sir.

I just wish you would show me some more disrespect.

Treat me like a pig.

I miss that.

I'm sorry.

Well, happy Christmas, Mr. Henderson.

I want to take a closer look at that bandage.

Larry?

You're dead.

I was at your funeral. I saw you buried.

No, I'm Gary.

I'm Larry's twin brother. I work as a nurse here in the hospital.

Oh, okay.

Oh, you must be Carol.

Yes, that's me.

Say, uh...

Are you as nasty a whore as Larry used to tell me?

I don't know.

Why don't you stand up? Let me take a look.

Whoa! Very nice. Let me see that.

Whoa, you are one big, weird eggplant.

You are disgusting.

What is that smell? It's like a trip to the sewer plant.

If this were any nastier, I think I'd have to throw up all over your back.

I would like that. Yeah, would you? I'd like to see a little Larry lunch in your

hair.

Don't worry about him.

He'll be fine.

You know, you're like some big, dumb, filthy dope.

Yes, sir. I'm going to take the dirty carrot and put it up your horse hole, if

you know what I'm saying.

I'd like that. You'd like that a lot, wouldn't you?

I've never seen anything like it.

I hear the food here is supposed to be wonderful.

I'm looking forward to it.

I'm glad we're finally able to have this double date.

Kent, you were really right about how beautiful Susan is.

You betcha, Rudy.

Susan, you have that ray of sunshine to you on a bright blue sunny day.

That's for sure. And you're looking pretty good too, Kent.

Rudy, you're looking handsome yourself.

Oh, there was a small incident at my house earlier.

But I recovered from it. He did just great now. He's doing fine.

Mimi wants some chicken. Here comes the food. Oh, right on time.

Me so hungry.

Bon appetit.

What's the matter, Kent?

The fork. It's too dangerous. You're going to poke yourself with that thing.

Well, how else am I going to eat my food?

Simple. Use a single food tube. Single food tube. The new and easy way to eat

restaurant food. It's easy. First, your teeth are removed to make way for the

form -fitting tube.

You don't want your pearly whites getting in the way of the tube. Hold on

second, Kent.

You've got a beautiful set of chompers in your mouth.

Wonderful pearls.

These are dentures.

Didn't hurt a bit when they pulled my teeth out.

Then the tube is fitted into your mouth and throat.

They have to cut it to size so that it reaches right into your stomach.

Ah, right on time.

Now, your table is told to make way for the tube and the food processing

chamber.

Make sure the holes are all lined up.

Now, the food is placed in the food processing chamber where it is mixed

the softening cream.

The food processing chamber has a high -speed blender built in. Sounds like

softening cream has a partner in crime, huh? You said it, Rudy.

Next, you've got to numb them gums with Novocaine, or you're going to feel that

harsh tube against your gums. Now all you have to do is slink that food tube

into your mouth.

See, I'm already finished with my meal. Wow, what a great tube. It sounds like

the plan for me.

Mimi, I'm a tube man.

I want to be a food tuber, too.

Well, you can, with a single food tube system.

And now, a song for D .V.

from Tim and Eric.

Oh, D .V., I wish you were my son.

Oh, DV, I wish you were my son.

You hairy boy, you need a trim.

I'll get you wet for crimber swim.

Oh, DV, I love you more than him.

my son oh baby I wish you were my

son

So, Tim, you got to tell me, what are you going to get me for Crimbus this

I'll never tell.

The truth is, I don't know what I'm going to get him for Crimbus. It's the

biggest secret of them all.

Well, what are you going to get me for Crimbus this year?

Tim, I'm never going to tell you either.

What am I going to do? I have no idea what to get my best friend for Crimbus.

I'll tell you what we can do.

We can have a tickle -off.

DV here tickles each of us.

And the first person to laugh has to tell the other person what they got them

for crimbus. Sounds good. It's on.

Let the tickling begin.

You better tick, tick, tickle and gun.

You better tick, tick, tickle and gun.

Tickling. Tickling. Tick, tick, tickling.

I guess it's a stalemate.

Well, I guess you'll have to call me, senor Tickleproof.

We'll be right back.

And now, a special clinical safety message from here.

Primus is not all about fun and games.

You gotta make sure you stay warm.

You don't want to get frostbite.

Think I'll take a walk through this forest.

Damn, it's cold out here. I know. I'll just put on my gloves.

Oops. I didn't pack my gloves, kids. There's two things I know for sure right

now. There's no squirrels in sight, and I'm definitely gonna get frostbite.

Hit it.

Don't get the bite.

Just keep those gloves on.

Don't get the bite. Kids, I feel that bite going all through my blood.

Don't get the bite. Damn, I wish there was some squirrels out here to keep me

company. Don't get the bite. Oh, no, my ding -dong's frozen.

Don't get the bite.

Just keep those mittens on.

Don't get the bite.

This is the worst pain I've ever experienced, children.

I better sit down and conserve some of my energy and my warmth.

I pray to God some squirrel will help me. Just be my friend.

Well, my hands are gone. Do I still have my pretty face, children?

Better chop my hand off. It's the only way to save it.

Not a bad cut.

Probably stopped the bite from spreading.

Woo! Stings.

Cold meat.

Fresh cut.

Looks like the bite's got to my leg. Guess I'm going to have to chop that

too.

That's better.

Where are the squirrels when you need them?

Hey, get back here with my leg.

Now I just gotta wait for help to come.

Don't get the bite.

The bite will take your hand off. Don't get the bite.

It's a bite that'll make you sore.

Don't get the bite.

Get your shoes and socks off.

Great job.

And now, the finale of...

Hey, filth pig. Gary, what are you doing here?

Just here picking up some hilarious things.

You can't be here.

Oh, what do you mean?

Come on, you little gutter slime. You're looking really disgusting. Gary, this

is not right. I'm married to Mr. Henderson. Ah, come on. He's not going

here today. He can't even walk.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God, you're like a big, fat carnival ride.

I appreciate that.

That smell.

It's me, sir.

That's disgusting.

You know what? I was driving over here fantasizing about poisoning you.

Well, look at the two lovebirds. Sir Henderson.

You piece of junk.

You're supposed to be a nurse, and all you're doing is bit.

I've been with my wife.

I'm sorry, sir.

You know what? I can explain everything.

I'm going to poke you. I'm going to poke you until you don't want to be poked.

Wait a minute. Just calm down.

I'm going to make you regret waking up this morning, you piece of trash.

I'm going to make you sweat, you piece of garbage.

I'm going to make you eat dirt.

Drink your own rectal blood!

Drink your own rectal blood!

You

go

right to hell!

And you... You big elephant!

Yeah, I bet you liked it! His tiny little wick up in your rear.

What I had to do to you for Krimis is open you wide up.

And let my wick... I let my... I let my wick do the talking.

very much. That's about it for us here at the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Crimson

Fest. Hold on a second, Tim. What about my crimson gift you've been talking

about all show?

Ooh, that's right. I want it. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

I want my present.

All right. I hope you like it. You got it? Come on.

Pay attention to cues.

Let's go. So, hey, crimson present.

Here you go, friend.

I hope you enjoy it. Oh, tartar sauce.

Thanks a lot, Tim.

Well, I know how much you love fish.

Actually, I'm highly allergic to fish, so thanks a lot for this.

It's useless.

Well, you can put tartar on just about any other kind of meat you want.

Well,

who cares? How about my gift? Hand it over, pal.

Okay. Dan!

Take this.

Tim, I thought long and hard on this Christmas present. I hope you like it.

Some wet bathing suits and a paper bag.

I know how much you love the water, so you're welcome.

I can't swim. You know I can't swim.

Oh. Thanks.

Sorry.

What's the matter?

Well, D .V., I don't really like what Eric got me for Krimbus this year.

And I don't like what Tim got me for Crimbus.

In fact, I had no idea what to get my best friend for Crimbus this year.

I mean, you're my best friend, but I've never been to your house. I don't know

what your hobbies are. What does that say about our friendship?

I mean, think about it. I couldn't even figure out what you wanted for Crimbus.

But you do know what you guys want for Crimbus.

What? What?

What? What?

The answer is deep in your mind.

Would you like for me to act as it for you?

Yes.

All right, well, then get over there.

Sure. Anything you say, D .B., he's going to read our minds.

I

know

what I want to get you for Krimbus. And I know what I want to get you for

Krimbus. And so it shall be.

It's the 10 -hour gossip show. Great job. Here's the special DVD.

Love a Krimbus DVD.

You think you can help out?

Sure.

Come on, everybody. Enjoy your DVD.

What a great value, huh?

It's a free DVD.

Take it home.

You okay?

Yeah.

Hey, DV, what about the wonderful cast we had?

Don't they deserve a Krimbus DVD?

I guess.

And Tim and Eric got exactly what they wanted. But what happened to D .V.?

D .V.

grew up to be Mimi.

You see, D .V.

learned that Krimbus is not what people want.

It's about giving people what they need.

Like the Tim and Eric awesome show, Crimbus DVD.

So it was your powers that made you sick?

Yes, very sick.

I almost died.

I want you to read my mind and find out what I want.

He's too weak. He'll never make it.

But I want it! Read my mind, you dope!

It's okay.

I'll try.

Do you think it was worth it? Was it worth killing a man?

I think it was, Doc.

I think it was.

Don't wait. Order the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job Crimbus Special

today.

Remember, friends, you've got to keep your crimbus bush trimmed. And wet.

Winter man can tell if your bush gets out of hand and not ten and two. And

me, no one likes a messy bush.

Or a dry crimbus bush.

One, two, three.

Happy crimbus!

Happy crimbus.

Absolutely.