Original subtitles

Oh. Well, this is a story about a guy named Al, and he lived in a sewer with

master pal. But the sanitation workers really didn't approve, so he packed up

his accordion and had to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree. And he

worked in a nasal deconjection factory, and he played on the company bowling

team. And every single night he had a French occurring dream where he was

wearing leader holes and in a vat of sour cream. But that's really not

in the story.

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist with a special attitude on

her arm.

But he didn't even touch any lobster number. Then he got a public job on a

tot farm.

Outro

Music

Today's lesson is, whenever you're in any type of competition, it's always

important to PLAY FAIR!

Oh, hi there. I'm just getting my fortune told by Madam Judy the psychic.

This will just take effect.

Madam Judy demands quiet!

I will now predict the present!

The present? Quiet!

Madam Judy must concentrate!

Oh,

I see that you are wearing a green shirt.

Uh, no.

Wait, Al!

Laying on a pen!

Look, can't you just tell me something about my future?

No details!

Only cryptic warnings.

Okay, fine. Hit me with a cryptic warning.

Oh, beware.

Beware.

Beware of toads who don't play fair.

That's it?

No! Five bucks, please.

Oh, I now predict that Madam Judy is leaving you.

Oh, goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Wow, for once she was actually right.

Well, anyway, I can tell by the old clock on the wall that once again it's

for...

Al's mailbag, that's right.

Well, let's see what our viewers have to say this week.

Ah, hey.

I've got a letter here from Mindy Grotelution in Omaha, Nebraska.

And Mindy writes, oh, it's an answer to our trivia question. The question was,

what's the difference between a machine gun and Kenny G?

Let's see if she got it.

Yes, a machine gun only repeats itself 30 times. Congratulations, Mindy. You

win. My undying respect.

Okay, next letter.

Thank you.

Wow. Special delivery.

Okay.

Wow! Can you believe it? Harvey, look at this. Oh.

I've been nominated for the Best TV Show Host Award.

Oh, isn't this great? This is so cool.

I probably won't win, but it's an honor just to be nominated, right?

Did you hear something?

Yeah. Oh, it's the guy boarded up on the wall.

Excuse me, Harvey. The public wants me.

Hey, guy boarded up on the wall. What's going on?

Uh, can you do me a big favor?

A favor? Sure!

You want an autograph?

A lock of my hair?

A bag of my toenail clippings?

Uh, no.

Could you turn on the TV?

I'm missing the Fred Huggins show.

Fred Huggins?

Oh. Well, okay.

Thanks.

Because it really doesn't matter if you're blue or red or green or yellow.

We can all be friends.

Right, Papa Bully?

Yeah, whatever.

I think his medication's starting to wear off. All righty. Hello, boys and

girls. I'm Fred Huggins, and this is the Fred Huggins Show.

Imagine that. Well, why don't we all get comfortable and take off some of these

heavy clothes?

What? What?

I'll start with my little shoosie -woosie. Oh, no.

Anything but that. No! Please, stop!

Oh,

that's better, isn't it?

Fred Huggins, what a joke.

Let's see what else is on.

I want you all to just shake it out.

That's right, shake it out. Get yourself all limber and loosey -goosey. That's

right. I said shake it out.

That's right. You don't want to be exercising too soon, too fast.

You're liable to.

We're back with the Uncle Ralphie Show.

Aren't we having the time of our lives?

Miffy? Pipe down, Miffy.

On a slightly more serious note, I would like to thank all of my wonderful fans

for nominating me for Best TV Show Host.

When I win that award, and I will win, I want you all to remember that I never

could have done it without the help of all the little people that I had to step

on to get where I am today.

Well, why don't we go to the phone?

Uncle Ralphie Show, you're on the air.

Hi, I'm a first -time caller?

Yes, you have a question.

Pretty sure you're going to win that award.

Yeah, well, why wouldn't I?

Well, I think there are some other wonderful TV show hosts out there that

good chance of winning, too.

Yeah, right, like that loser Weird Al.

I am not a loser!

You!

Oh, I get it. You're trying to sabotage my show. That's not fair!

I never... I was merely pointing out that you haven't won yet.

Well, I will!

I'm going to be number one!

No, I'm... I'm gonna be number one! No!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me!

Me!

Me! Me!

Me

I want you to keep an eye on Uncle Ralphie. You know, get some inside info

him. I think he's liable to pull something.

You got it, Al.

Oh,

and another thing, I... Oh, she's good.

Anyway, I'm probably just being paranoid. I mean, I'm sure Uncle Ralphie

wouldn't...

Nobody says that about my pal!

That's it! This is war!

You're going down, Uncle Ralphie!

We'll be right back. That marching band has Al playing an angry tune. But is

destroying the competition really the best way to win?

Don't go away!

We'll be right back!

Can you believe it? The Weird Al Show is back!

Wow. Who doesn't love a good marching band?

Nobody. Except maybe that loser, Weird Al.

Bullseye! And now two very special treats. First, buttered popcorn for

everybody. Here's the popcorn.

And now for the real treat. Please welcome an act so special they would

agree to do my show.

Here they are.

Radish!

Ha!

Look at that, Harvey. They're a no -show. They canceled on him.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Gee, wonder why they'd go and do a thing like that.

Radish? What are you guys doing here?

Val, what did you do?

No, no, don't you look at me like that, Al. This is war.

Remember?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

So, Radish, what song will you be performing on my show today?

You're crazy.

Oh, come on. Sing a song.

Please? You're completely out of your mind. Pretty please?

We're not doing your stupid show. You kidnapped us.

I see. I see.

Well, then maybe you'd like to watch The Collected Works of Pauly Shore.

No!

Any particular song you want to hear?

Oh.

Surprise me.

Wishing God would lend a hand.

Wishing God would lend a hand. Wishing God would lend a hand.

Wishing God would lend a hand.

Take it real.

While the ocean at my heel Is

a water field Up

in the sky, something catches my eye Bright as a

star in the northern sky

Take it.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Al.

They're getting away.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, kids. I'm Weird Ralph.

What are they doing?

And now here's everyone's favorite rodent, my very, very best friend in the

whole world, Marvin the Super Guinea Pig.

How awful. How heartless. How could anyone think so low as to do a parody of

another human being?

And making a guinea pig wear blue after Labor Day? What are they thinking?

Hey, Al, have you seen Weird Ralph? This guy's a hoot.

I'll do any...

Best TV show host award.

Any advice?

Yes. If you're going to compete with Uncle Ralphie, play fair.

The important thing is you just do the best show you can do.

Hey, I've got it. How about if I get a bunch of plastic surgery and change my

looks?

Um, yeah.

That would have been my second choice.

Well, it's a good thing my brand new invention is an instant plastic surgery

machine.

I knew the thing would come in handy in a pinch. Let's give it a shot.

Where's that mirror?

Oh, no! What have I done?

That was scary.

Hey, where'd this package come from?

Some suspicious -looking clown snuck in here and set it on a table real careful,

like... Wow, package from a clown?

How cool is that?

Wow!

Giant wax lips!

Just what I always wanted!

And they're... kicking.

the last time Al takes any lift from Uncle Ralphie. But will Uncle Ralphie's

dirty tricks blow up in his face?

Hold your horses!

We'll be right back!

All right!

The Weird Al Show is back!

Uncle Ralphie's gone way too far!

If he's not going to play fair, then neither am I!

Val, I'm going to ask you to do something, and I don't want to hear an

Execute secret plan 7B.

Not 7B. Yes, 7B. I can't. You must. But I can't. You must. No, I can't. You

never told me what it was.

Oh.

Got it.

Weasel boy, this is Mother Hubbard.

Release the poodles.

This requires the utmost concentration.

We sure don't want any miscalculations now, do we, Mippy?

That's right, because even the slightest distraction... Oh,

no!

That's a good one.

You know, all this espionage is making me kind of hungry.

Think I'll pop out to the kitchen for a little nutrition break. Care to join me,

Val?

Val?

She's a slippery one, all right.

Anyway... Here's one of my favorite recipes.

First, take a raw potato.

Don't wash it!

Next, cut it in half with a blunt knife.

Then, sprinkle liberally with gummy worms.

And finally, top with your favorite brand of India ink.

Mmm, now that's good eating.

Somebody switched my favorite brand of ink with my very least favorite brand of

ink. Who could have done such a horrible, despicable thing?

Uncle Ralphie!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

What? What is it?

Can't you see I'm busy plotting the annihilation of a fellow TV show host?

award show is on.

What a word show. And you're not there.

Oh, man, you're right.

I got so wrapped up in this whole Uncle Ralphie thing, I forgot all about it.

Thank you.

And now, without further ado, the moment you've been waiting for.

May I have the envelope, please?

Thank you.

And now the winner of the Best TV Show Host Award goes to...

But before I announce the winner, I just want to say something.

Every day in our country, thousands of our youngsters go to amusement parks and

arcades and play a supposedly innocent game called Whack a Squirrel.

Well, I personally don't find anything cute, charming, or fun about a game that

openly encourages abuse and violence towards our furry rodent.

Will you please stop the insanity?

Thank you.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes!

The winner of the Best TV Show Host Award is... Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

Me!

Me!

Me! Me!

Me

I can't believe I won.

The only thing that makes winning even better is that my two best friends in

world are here to share it with me.

Guess again, you freak.

I want to go home. I just want to say this is the proudest moment of my

life because now I know you like me. You really want me.

I blame you, Mippy.

What'll it be first?

Injury again?

Or jury duty?

You know, it's real

whack you didn't win that award out.

Well, Fred Huggins is pretty lame, but at least he played by the rules.

I've just been spending all my time trying to destroy Uncle Ralphie.

Well, you just wait. Next year, I'll beat everybody.

But I'll do it fair and square, on the level, straight as an arrow, by making

show the very best it can be.

And I know exactly how I'm going to do it!

Don't go away, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life!

Did you miss me?

And now, presenting my very best friend in the whole stinking world, Harvey the

Wonder Hamster! Yay!

How you doing, pal?

You ready for a big stunt?

Okay, today Harvey is going to hang the line from Mount Everest.

You ready?

Okay, here we go!

Oh, Harvey's the best.

He's way better than mediocre.

Anyway, it looks like the end of the show because, well, that's what it is.

until next time, keep your feet on the ground, keep your chin held high, and

keep an extra pair of safety goggles handy because you never know when an

interdimensional black hole is going to... No!