Original subtitles

Oh. This is a story about a guy named Al, and he lived in a sewer with his

master pal, but the sanitation workers really didn't approve, so he packed up

his accordion and had to move to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree, and he

worked in a nasal decongestion factory, and he played on the company bowling

team, and every single night he had a strange recurring dream where he was

wearing leader holes and in a vat of sour cream, but that's really not

in the story.

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist with a special attitude on

her arm, but he didn't even touch any longer number, then he got himself a job

on a tater tot farm, and he spent... Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Today's lesson is, don't make promises you can't keep!

Oh, hey, how you doing?

I'm just hanging out here with some of my friends.

This is my cousin Corky.

And this, of course, is Val Brentwood, Gal Spy.

And I think you already know my next -door neighbor, the Hooded Avenger.

Say, Al, what would you like to do today?

Well, we could pour maple syrup all over the rug and then lick it off.

Did that yesterday.

Or we could watch some TV.

Hello, boys and girls.

Welcome back to the Fred Hugging Show.

You know what I'd like to do now?

I can't imagine.

I'd like to sing a little song.

Doesn't that sound like fun, baby bully?

No. Here's one of my favorites. It's called I Like You.

Oh, brother.

Hey, didn't he just sing that song five minutes ago?

Yep. Oh, I like you.

Yes, I do.

And I know you like me, too.

You're my friend.

I feel blue.

Oh, I like you.

I assure

you, Father, our cousin's tardiness mystifies me as much as you. He was

to be here for dinner an hour ago. Now our food is cold.

Excusez -moi, j 'ai oublié le temps.

The French Prince of Berlin.

Wednesdays at 8 .30.

I'm so angry at my idiotic barber.

Think I'll stay in here till it grows out a little.

Got a lousy haircut.

A really stupid haircut.

What a silly haircut.

I can't believe this haircut.

Oh, I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really like you.

You think he'd notice if we left?

We're puppets.

How are we going to do that?

And in other music news, John Tash continues to wow audiences on his cross

-country tour. Last night's sold -out crowd in Avalon, California, couldn't

enough of the former Entertainment Tonight MC's piano stylings.

Boy, he is so cool.

I think he's dreamy.

Very healthy gums.

tell you guys about the time I saw him? Where?

Well, one time, I was snooping around at the coffee corner, and John

Tesh was there.

Really? Uh -huh. What did he order?

I'm pretty darn sure it was a mocha chino.

Wow.

Well, listen to this.

Last year, John Tesh was signing books at Burns and Bards.

I went down there, Got him to sign my utility belt.

Wow.

Yeah, well, big deal because I know him personally.

You know him.

Oh, yeah, me and Johnny Boy, that's what I call him.

We go way back. We're old friends.

Yeah, why didn't you ever tell us? Oh, I didn't know you guys would think it was

such a big deal.

Well, if you know him, why don't you invite him over?

Okay,

I will.

Yeah, I think he knows English.

Oh, I better go get ready.

Me too.

Cool. All right.

Okay,

thanks for coming over. I'll let you guys know when John Tesh is here.

Oh, I don't feel so good, Harvey.

What do you think? Was it the moldy tuna melt I ate, or is it the fact that I've

never met John Tesh in my life, and I just promised all my friends that he'd

here?

Well, I can't let my friends down.

Somehow. Whatever it takes, I gotta get John Tesh over here.

What was that? You hear something?

Hey! Ow!

Ow! It's the guy boarded up on the wall.

I forgot all about him.

Hey, guy boarded up on the wall.

Don't tell me you're a John Tesh fan, too.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, the official celebrity appearance price list.

Oh, hey, thanks. Let's see.

John Tesh. John Tesh.

$82. Well, that's a little steep, but I think I can swing that.

Zeros. What? Zeros?

Oh, yeah, look at that.

$82 ,000.

I see.

So that's $82 ,000?

$82 ,000?

What does he have to do, travel back in time to get here?

Where am I going to get that kind of money?

Huh?

Please have John Tesh autographed. Thanks.

Well, when we come back, I'll have some kind of ingenious, foolproof money

-making plan.

I betcha.

What's Al got up his sleeve? Will he keep his promise to his friends, or will

continue to lie to them? And why am I shouting?

Hey, don't go away. The Weird Al Show will be back in a minute.

It's time for more of the Weird Al Show.

Well, it looks like I've got to come up with a ton of cash in a hurry if I want

to keep my promise to my friends, so I thought I'd have a little bake sale

I've got a delicious assortment of tasty treats, all at affordable prices.

Behold, fresh piping hot goat cheese and arugula brownies, just $5 ,000 each.

And over here you've got your fudge muffins with mustard filling. We're

them away at $10 ,000 apiece. And just out of the oven, Grandma Yankovic's

special pound cake.

This needs a few minutes to settle.

Well, the muffins just went up to $20 ,000.

Now, that might sound like a lot for a baked good, but not if you eat really

slowly.

Excuse me.

Hello? Hey, Al. It's us.

We're just counting the minutes. It's till John Touch gets here. We are so

excited. Hey, Chief, check it out.

I'm not sure if I should go with gold on red or purple on red.

Oh, you made the right call.

Number one.

Oh, you're the best, Alex. Bye -bye.

See you.

Oh,

boy.

Oh, it's Madam Judy.

Hey, it's my old friend, Madam Judy the Psychic. Oh, I am so glad you're here.

Hey, you want to buy some goat cheese and arugula brownies? They're only $20

,000 each.

Hmm, I'll take one for 50 cents.

Meet you halfway, 8 ,000.

Uh, no!

Madam Judy, I got to level with you. I'm in hot water.

I need $82 ,000 pronto to get John Tesh over here.

I sense that you need a lot of money very quickly.

I sense that you do not have the money. I sense that you have run out of hand

cream.

That's incredible.

Why don't you do what Madame Judy does when she needs to make a quick buck?

What's that?

Oh, look into my crystal ball.

Come closer, come closer, little oinklet. No, not that close.

Oh, I'm Madame Judy, your psychic gal pal.

Do you desire wealth, fame, and corndogs?

Of course you do, trolls.

Only I, Madame Judy, can unlock the secrets to your future.

Watch.

Madame Judy told me I was going to meet the man of my dreams.

And I did.

Madame Judy told me I was going to eat something.

And I did.

Madame Judy predicted I'd have a big old bucket of oatmeal dumped on my head.

Well, it hasn't happened yet.

Forgive me for doubting you, Madam Judy.

Oh, so you see, little kumquat, only I, Madam Judy, can see your

future. I can see it, but I cannot tell it. No, not until you call me.

Oh, do not deny yourselves, little cupcakes. Call Madam Judy now.

Madam Judy.

Madam Judy.

But, Madam Judy, I already am consulting you.

You missed the point.

You should do your own infomercial. But, Madam Judy, I'm not a psychic.

Duh. Grow a clove.

Do whatever kind you want. Just do one.

Make the money off the infomercial. Got it?

Oh, I have foreseen it.

I just don't know if I'd feel comfortable selling out like that. Look

Hey, it's those guys that are always selling stuff on TV, Ron Popeil and Tony

Little. Al, you've got to do an infomercial. Come on, Al, be like us.

It's the only way you're going to keep your promise to your friends.

You've got the power, Al.

Don't let us down.

All right, let's do it.

Welcome, welcome!

I'm Mike Levy, and welcome to Unbelievable Discoveries. I'm here with

Yankovic. Al, what do you have there today?

Well, Mike, I'm wearing these ear magnets, and boy, do I feel great!

Well, what do they do?

Well, ear magnets increase your listening skills by up to 30%. Or I'm

Al Ear -O -Bit.

Call now.

Operators are standing by.

Hey, Mike, what's wrong?

I'm sorry, Al. I must have tied my shoelaces too tight.

Well, that would never happen if you had a Yanko shoelace tying gauge.

The gauge scientifically monitors the tension in your shoelaces. As soon as

make them too tight, you'll know.

So what you're saying, Al, is while I'm tying my shoes, the buzzer will go off,

and then I'll know I've tied them tight enough. This is great.

Hey, this guy learns quick.

I use it for my baseball glove.

No, Rusty. But your mom and dad will have a thousand and one uses for it. Or

name's not Weird Al Shoelace -ific.

And now here's Mike Levy with some more great offers.

Thank you, Al. We've got so much great stuff, I don't even know where to begin.

How about the supersonic guttethizer, which, for a limited time only, comes

Al's face on it?

Al, this next one I'm on cloud nine about. It's called the Amazing Four

Food Stabber.

This little item has a number of practical uses and goes great in your

along with a knife and spoon. The amazing four -tined food stabber really

I use it and you can too.

Hey, are we impressed?

Can I ask you something?

Sure. Do all of these products really work?

Of course they do. You have my promise. If they don't work, can we get our money

back? That's the weird old promise.

Al, you've been a great guest. Thank you very much, and congratulations.

It's official.

You've just made yourself $82 ,000.

I want to thank everyone for helping me out today.

Really, you've all been just great.

Now, everybody, come on. Show's over. Let's go. Grab. Move it. Move it. Move

Get out.

It looks like Al...

able to keep his promise after all.

But can he afford to pay the price?

Hmm.

We'll be right back.

Don't you move!

The Weird Al Show is back!

Did you miss me?

Yep, it's all here.

82 ,000 buckaroonies.

Gee, Harvey, that was easier than I thought.

Well, now I can just pick up the phone and have him send John Tesh right over.

So my friends are going to go nuts.

But first, it's time for...

Al's Mailbag. That's right. Well, let's see what's in the old mailbag this week.

Wow. Look at all these letters.

Must be fan mail from all my satisfied customers.

Dear Al, I bought your crummy ear magnets.

I can't believe you sell such junk.

You should be ashamed of yourself. I want my money back. Find a former fan.

Well, there's one in every group. Let's see.

Dear Al, your supersonic guttetizer is a piece of garbage. Please send me a

refund. Thanks.

Probably the same guy.

Dear Al, I have never felt so ripped off as when I bought your amazing four

-tined food stabber.

Oh, no.

Oh, this is terrible. What have I done?

Citizens of the world, if you bought any of these fine products and are

dissatisfied, you can come to my cave right now for a full refund.

That's the Weird Al... Okay.

Hi. Sorry.

There you go.

There you go.

All right, sorry.

Well, looks like this might take a little while, so in the meantime, why

you watch this?

The Adventures of Batman!

Two more crawlers, please.

Two crawlers coming right up.

Attention all units.

Code red situation at the ice cream warehouse.

Refrigeration system is malfunctioning and melting ice cream is threatening to

flood the city.

Gee, so wish that man was here.

Hmm. Sounds like the work of my evil Uncle Frank.

Huh?

Nothing. I'll be right back.

Due to a rare...

An ordinary jelly -filled glazed donut turns mild -mannered donut world

Al Yankovic into the crime -fighting superhero known as Fat Man!

Come on, Harvey. It's evil -fightin' time.

I got your back, Fat Man.

Meanwhile, in a secret...

Location! High above the city, the evil Uncle Frank and his longtime accomplice,

the Procrastinator, continue with their dastardly plan!

Ah,

yes. Soon the entire town will be covered in ice cream.

And then, with the help of our ice cream -proof scuba gear, anything we want

will be ours.

Yeah. Procrastinator, have we disabled all of the refrigerators yet?

Almost. Almost? What are you waiting for? Hold on a sec.

There, I got one of the sides to match out.

Yeah, yeah, that's good, yeah. Very nice, yeah.

Now, can we get to work?

Boy, if only there was a giant who could come and eat all that ice cream.

Then we'd be safe.

Wait a minute. Of course, it's so obvious.

I'll just go to every single grocery store in town and buy all the ice and

it back here.

That ought to stop the melting.

Oh, but if you just... No time to talk now, my furry little friend. I'm off to

the grocery store.

Would you shut off the last refrigerator

already?

All right, fine.

Gee, have a cow.

Okay. It's no use.

The city is doomed.

Oh, the humanity.

The humanity.

Hold on, citizens.

I'm coming.

Hey, where's my crawlers?

The ice cream's gone.

He ate all the ice cream.

We're saved.

Harvey, it's me, Fat Man.

Can you hear me?

Oh, I think I froze my brain.

Oh, would you look at that? My fat freak nephew has completely ruined my plan

for world domination.

That's a shame.

And it's all your fault, you moron. You're totally worthless.

Fine. Be that way.

You know, you don't even deserve world domination.

I'm out of here.

Good riddance. Who needs you anyway?

Yeah.

Wait a second.

I don't know how to fly this thing.

Oh, boy, that's smart.

Well, pal, we did it. We saved the day once again.

Oh, we did, huh?

Hey, fat man, what are you doing with all that ice?

Uh... No cones for everybody.

And believe it or not, kids, that was a true story.

Hey, Al.

What's going on?

Oh, some of my customers want their money back.

Well, actually, all of them.

I was just trying to make money as fast as I could so that I could book John

Tesh. Book him?

Is that like slang for hang out with him?

Wait a minute.

You don't even know him.

I'm sure I know him somehow. You know, like six degrees of separation.

You had us all excited. What a rip.

Now, ladies.

Don't be too hard on Al. I'm sure that in his own immature and ignorant way, he

was just trying to make us all happy.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, thanks for trying, Al. Yeah, I'm sure you meant well.

Thanks, guys. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you.

Well...

My hood cycle could use a good waxing. Yeah, and I could really use a new pair

of spy boots. And there's this really adorable dress I've had my eye on.

Okay. Oh, I think so.

Yeah. Into the middle.

Well, maybe next time I try to raise money, I won't. Hey, Yankovic, I bought

your lousy shoelace tie and gauge. It cut off the circulation in my feet. I'm

lucky I can still walk.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

This is the biggest piece of junk I've ever seen in my life. What a ripoff. How

do you sleep at night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, here's your money back. Thanks a

lot. See you. Bye. You're a disgrace. Yeah, run along now.

We'll be right back.

Don't go away, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life!

And now, the spine -tingling conclusion of The Weird Al Show!

Well, I guess I learned a few valuable lessons here today.

One, I shouldn't make any promises I can't keep. And two, I should never,

do another one of those lousy infomercials. I mean, what was I

That boy was our only hope.

No.

There is another.

He's gone!

He's gone! He's gone! But he's not!