Original subtitles

Do you want them?

I know I do.

Julie, I reckon we need to talk, yeah?

You're pregnant.

What?

I have a baby.

Thank you.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

Come in.

I'm just catching up with some last -minute wrapping.

Have to get out of the way quick in our house or the missus goes looking for

what I've got up.

No wonder the baby Jesus was born in Bethlehem and not Bethlehem of green.

Three kings would have had no chance of following that star for flaming rain

clouds.

Can rain or shine for all I care.

Once today's shift's over, me and San are going to settle in with half a dozen

boxes of Hungarian red and a ten -pound bird, and we are not shifting till

Boxing Day's done. Bloody bliss.

Looks like you've had the same idea.

I've had in Bobby Darin over for Christmas lunch.

I thought you two weren't talking.

He rang me, wanted to make up. It is Christmas, after all, and I know we'll

a lovely time.

Just have to get through the next eight hours, then.

With Masterton away, and me as acting wing governor, What can go wrong?

I don't know, do you? These have seen more Christmases than Bing Crosby.

They were dreamed of.

They're a bit worse for wear, aren't they?

Still brightens the place up a bit, though.

Bloody hell.

How did it come to this?

Come on, I don't like much of a tree, but it's still Christmas.

Yes, and look where we're spending it. There was a time for us when Christmas

meant snow -white beaches.

And Rudy wasn't a bloody rain, did he? Yes, and he came more than once a year.

Came more than once a night, actually.

Just because you ain't snobbing it up on the cost of Del Racky doesn't mean to

say you can't have no festive spirit.

That's the problem, isn't it?

No festive bloody spirit.

We don't need a drink to enjoy ourselves.

I've got my son David coming from Baby Ashanti, haven't we, Jo?

Yeah.

And he's bringing his wife, don't forget.

Maybe I could do with a drink after all.

What?

Bloody hell.

What, do you want a baby called Noel?

There's another month, yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, cheers.

Listen, how do you fancy a romantic meal for two during evening association?

I've got it all sorted.

A little Christmas picnic up in the laundry where no one can find us.

Oh, hello, Mr Donny.

Oh, have you done anything nice for Christmas?

Yeah, looking after you lot.

You working?

Yeah, of course.

There's less people who want to kill each other in Baghdad than round my

for Christmas.

What is that smell?

That'll be the bleeding drains. They must be blocked.

Yeah, well, we can't get anyone out till after Boxing Day.

Sorry.

Smelly Christmas to you and all, eh?

Night -night, David.

He's always here for the night, isn't he?

Well, the trouble is, he ain't on his own now.

Going down the shops with the little ones is like packing for a fortnight's

holiday, don't you remember?

Sorry I'm late, Mum. Oh, here you go.

Here you go.

Where's Little Ashanti?

Fidelity?

I'm sorry, Mum. Ashanti's got a bit of a cold.

Fidelity didn't think it was a good idea to bring her.

Poor little Mike.

Like I thought. No chance of getting anyone to look at the drain till after

Christmas.

Don't worry about it.

Stink never hurt anyone.

Are you coming to the ball tonight?

No, I think I'll give it a miss.

Oh, come on. It'll be a laugh.

I've got no one to go with. Besides, I've got other plans.

Hello?

Sandy!

I was just telling Donnie he's got to come tonight.

Did you pick your dress up?

What are you talking about?

What's happened?

She's left us.

Are they laying anything special on here for you this year?

Oh, it's supposed to be the same as usual.

A bar of soap, a few screws.

I doubt they'll be wrapping it this year, though.

They reckon they're so short -staffed.

And they serve us Christmas dinner?

It's always worth forgiving it, just to see how much they hate it.

We have a good time, though, don't we, June?

It's nice to be surrounded by all your mates.

One of these days, you'll be able to spend Christmas with us, Mum. And you

aren't you, June? That'd be lovely.

You'd better check with Fidelity first. I doubt she'll want a couple of old lads

around her Christmas tree.

Mum?

What did you say that for?

Just a feeling.

Control to Golf 1.

Golf 1 over.

Oh,

thanks. I'll be right there.

All right, time's up.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Ollenby. We haven't had our fair yet.

Think yourselves lucky you've had that. I'm short -staffed, so jingle bells out

of it. Come on.

This is screwed. She's a bloke.

That's enough of your lip.

I... Better be getting back anyway, Mum.

Give a shanty little kiss from you, won't you?

I will.

And you're wrong about fidelity, Mum.

If you say so.

Come on, let's have you.

Bye, darling.

Bobby Darin.

What a lovely surprise.

How do you like my new office?

It's nothing more than you deserve.

This acting business is only a formality.

The powers that be know the kind of job I've done since Lou Stoke left.

I'm sure they do.

Now, listen, Mum, I wanted to have a word with you about tomorrow.

You can still make it, can't you?

Oh, Bobby Darin, I've been so looking forward to it. Don't worry, Mum.

I wanted to invite you round to my place instead.

But I've got everything in.

We'll take it to mine. I'll do the work. You can put your feet up.

Well, if you're sure. Of course.

It'll give you a chance to get to know Brian.

I thought it'd be just us. The thing is, Mum, he's pretty special.

Look, I might as well tell you.

We're going to get married.

You can't marry him.

He's a man. Call it a civil partnership, whatever. The point is, we want to be

together.

Just like you and Dad did.

It's nothing like your father and me.

We were man and woman.

What we had was blessed.

You and this Brian.

It's unnatural.

I thought you'd understand by now.

God, you've had long enough to get used to the idea.

Well, I haven't.

I don't know where you get it from.

There's never been anything like it in the family before.

Oh, for Christ's sake. Do you think I'm gay because I picked it up off some

toilet seat?

Of course not.

It's just that when you were little, I thought one day your kiddies would sit

around my Christmas tree opening presents from their grandma.

Never mind what makes me happy.

Being with another man.

How can that make you happy?

Do you really want me to tell you?

It looks like it'll just be me and Brian for lunch tomorrow, then, won't it?

At least there won't be a row over who wants the turkey legs.

She ain't got a cold.

That stack -up bitch, you know, didn't want to bring her in here.

Oh, you don't know that, not for sure.

Joe, David can't lie to save his life.

What great bleeding Christmas is he turning into?

Joe, give him a ring and make it up.

How come everyone's back already?

Leaving body bag called time early.

Right, I want everyone's attention.

Listen to me.

How come everything's been cut short? Because we're understaffed.

Regulations state that without the full complement of officers to supervise,

inmates must be confined to their cells.

You're proposing to lock us up. I can't change the rules.

Now just get on with it. The two jewelies will bring your dinner to your

This is bollocks.

It's just so the screws can have a piss -up. Keep it buttoned, Kerrigan.

I'm not in the mood for any troublemaking. You're the one causing

trouble. It's Christmas, and you're banging us up for no reason.

And I'm banging you up right now. Down the block.

At least I don't have to listen to any more sodding carols.

Two jewelies, get into the servery. The rest of you, get into yourselves, or

it's Christmas down the block.

a picnic then.

I'm really sorry.

It's all right. It's not your fault.

Steady on.

You're not breaking your foot over, is it?

She's just got to go and ruin everything.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

It might be Christmas.

But I'm not having my staff rolling round the wing drunk.

Now, take it easy, Syl.

Sandra's just left us.

Oh, I see. Well, I'm sorry.

We've been together for ten years.

We did everything together.

Then she rings us up out the blue.

She's been shagging that Lisa Mayford, that dyke screw -off D -Wing behind me

back and gone off with her.

Well, I suppose it's better to know.

Do you know how hard it is?

To find a woman like Sandy.

We're near each other inside out.

I think you'd better just sit quietly for a while.

I need to pay a call.

It was in there.

It wasn't there.

It was sticking out of the pan like in a hammer horror.

I know, Miss. I know what I saw.

But where on earth did it come from?

Oh, Lord.

That's where the smell must be coming from.

The smell from the drains.

Sorry, Miss?

The drains.

What if there's a dead body in the drains?

Dead body, miss?

Where else did a rotting hand in the toilet come from?

Calm down, Mrs Ollenby. No use getting over -excited.

You don't want to go setting off no false alarms over nothing now, do you?

only haven't just been promoted in that.

Yeah. You've been feeling all right, have you, miss?

I have got one of my heads coming on.

I took a couple of painkillers.

Bad headaches.

They can sometimes play havoc with your eyes.

Maybe you should see if all this rain don't wash away the blockage and get rid

of the smell as well.

Meanwhile, you take yourself off home.

You look done in, miss.

You do.

What am

I going to do, Don?

I don't know.

I'll tell you what, if someone left me on Christmas Eve, I'd make sure they

never saw how it hurt me. I'd be out living it up.

Sandy'll be going to the ball tonight.

Her and Letha battered Mayford.

Well, then go.

I'll take you if you like.

You? Yeah.

Thanks, Donny.

No offence, but if I turned up with a bloke, Sandy and her bitch would laugh

their heads off.

Oh,

that's better.

Why don't you ask Sylvia?

Ask me what?

If you want to go to the ball with her tonight and help assure Sandy that I

don't give her monkeys.

And give people the idea that I've... I really

don't think so.

I only ask you to go to the dance with her, Sylvia, not to bloody bed.

She only wanted your support.

A very merry Christmas this is going to be.

I reckon Hollumb is trying to choke us to death as a Christmas present to

herself.

Jesus, Bev, press the bell.

Oh, my God!

Oh, for goodness sake.

What ever happened to peace on Earth?

Come on, hurry.

I'm warning you two. If you're playing me up, you'll be spending Christmas next

to Kerrigan down the block.

Oh, blimey, Nora.

I never thought I'd be so pleased to see you, Mrs. Holmgren.

What in the world happened?

Just... Blew up?

Julie? What, me?

I need you to clean this up.

Toilet's overflowed. No, no, miss. That's the specialist's job. It's

Eve. The specialists are all at their firm's parties. Lucky so -and -sos.

Come on, it's up to you.

Here.

What do you think?

Christmassy, isn't it?

No, it's crap.

Oh, come on.

Ain't my fault you've got gut rot. Yeah, Tane, it is.

You're dodging me with pies.

You've wet yourself, eh?

Oh, I can feel it coming on.

I see stomach cramps.

Well, do you reckon body bag riddance or something?

I don't know.

It's only so natural, is it?

Toilets coughing up crap, the old place stinking like a shit pit.

I suppose she was right.

It is a body blocking up the drains.

What? You mean Buxton?

Yeah, well, what's left of her anyway.

I know.

I've been thinking the same thing.

I mean, once Christmas is over, they're bound to send someone down there and...

And if they did, and it is her, there's still no way they could ever make out it

was us and Pat what put her there.

Is there?

Well, they ain't going to think she got over the wall like she's supposed to

have and then fell down a bleeding manhole, are they?

God,

the old people would tear the place apart till they get a name.

Come on, I wish Pat went down the block.

Me too.

It's up to us, June.

I'm going to have to do something.

Sorry for the inconvenience, girls. Just carry on as you were.

We bought our own entertainment.

Oh, great. I'll get some cups.

Oh, steady on.

We risk Christmas and New Year down the block liberating this from the PO's

office. She who dares whine. Cheers.

Well, Merry Christmas to you and Noel.

You ain't having any of our mince pies, then. No.

You don't want them, girls.

They're poisoned.

They haven't made me sick.

What's wrong with her?

She pissed herself earlier.

Oh, charming bedfellows.

Janine?

Are you sure it was piss?

Blind shut myself, if that's what you think.

Whole place stinks.

That's not what I meant.

How long have you been having these pains?

It's not the baby, Bev.

Ain't you for another month?

Oh, you don't mean she's coming into labour?

Tina, press the alarm.

Oh!

I can't have any more of your fun and game. You've got another thing coming.

a lot better at this than us.

If it didn't do it.

Well, I don't know about we, but I don't like the labyrinth with the both of us.

Should we toss for it?

You've got a point.

Got a button.

Flat side all round.

Oh, well.

It was turning into a shitty Christmas anyway.

Just keep breathing.

Keep breathing. Just let it happen. Like blowing out a candle.

You can do that, Cartier.

Just try and keep calm.

Well, that's easy for you to say. You're not having your baby delivered by a

pair of bleeding booties.

Oh, gratitude indeed. We could leave you two to your own devices. What part have

you been playing in the proceedings?

Moral support.

She's bleeding.

What's wrong?

Nothing, darling.

I'm going to lose my baby. Lose your baby?

She's been to them dozens of times.

Really? Yes.

Before she ended up in Spain, Bev was a midwife, weren't you?

Were you?

Yes, yes.

That's right. Now, don't you worry. You're just going to be fine.

I promise.

We've got to get the baby out as quickly as we can.

Connie, just pull it out.

It's a baby, Tina, not a catapulting drape pipe.

Now push, Jenny!

Connie, it hurts too much.

What you need is a little anaesthetic.

What did you mean? Well, if you haven't got a bottle of gas and air, some

supermarket malt will have to do.

You'll find your name.

I need medical attention on G -Wing. Now!

Yes? Now what?

What's all the fuss about?

Janine went into premature labour and nearly lost a baby because of you.

I don't see how I had anything to do with it.

Because you banged her up and someone in the office turned the alarms off.

I think you ought to be careful about what you're suggesting.

And lots of women have premature births. It's hardly worth a song and dance.

She could have died.

The baby's still mine.

You don't give a toss, do you? How dare you?

I probably carry a downside more than she does.

What? Do you think she'll want to be tied down by a child after she's done

time? I've seen it all before.

Her baby will be straight onto the social services adoption books the

it's out of her incubator.

You heartless bitch.

That's it. I've had enough of your insolence. You're suspended.

Good. You can shove her up your fat arse.

I don't know what's got into you.

Throwing away your job over some brainless slapper. Yeah, who's just had

You silly boy.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not so bitter and twisted I hate everyone on the

and everyone hates me.

I mean, where's your kid this Christmas, Ilf?

Merry Christmas to you and all.

You weren't really a midwife, were you, Bev?

Well, I think I didn't.

Bloody good job, all of them.

You did seem to suggest you weren't a complete stranger to the maternity ward.

Did I?

In all these years, you've never mentioned you had a baby.

Well, it was a long time ago, and I don't think about it much.

Part from Christmas.

Hello, miss.

How did you get in here?

Through the wall.

Call the police.

Coppers won't do you any good.

You'd better try Ghostbusters.

Oh, come on, Sylve.

Surely it's not worth leaving to an old bint like you.

My ghost.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're not even dead.

You escaped?

Oh, I'm dead, all right.

It's me stinking out the drains in Markle.

And now here I am, your very own bad hunter.

Like the gear?

This is a nightmare.

Don't worry, Sylph. I'm not here to hurt you.

I'm actually here to give you a pat on the back.

What are you talking about?

We've got a lot in common, me and you.

We're both a pair of evil cows.

I'm nothing like you.

You reckon?

You look like one evil bitch to me.

Carry on the way you are.

You'll do a great job running the wing.

Hey, maybe we could run it together.

No. What?

Still don't think you've got it in you?

Come on.

I'll show you.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I'll be Darren.

He can't hear you.

He's too interested in the telly.

Oh, cheers, Mum.

Horrible, isn't it?

But then he is your son.

You couldn't expect him to turn out normal, could you?

Oh, he's going to burn in hell, all right.

Happy Christmas.

I'm sorry about your mum. I was looking forward to meeting her.

Oh, she's a bigoted old bag. Always has been.

How could you say such a thing?

True, though, isn't it?

I don't blame you. They're filth. How the two of us put up with all those

on G -Wing for so long, I don't know.

It's not only the cons, though, is it?

Come on, we're not finished yet.

Who's that?

The thought of a screw crying always puts a smile on my face.

Her partner left her today.

Went off with another woman.

What do you know?

Can't even rely on a minge muncher.

Must you be so vile?

Me?

You were the one that kicked her in the teeth when she needed a friend.

24 -carat evil.

That's you, Sylve.

Shall we have a look?

What's going on?

It's Christmas, of course.

They're celebrating.

Not like this.

Not in my prison.

No, you're right.

No one gets that happy just because it's Christmas.

Not in Larco, anyway.

They must be celebrating something else.

You see, body bag?

The true test of just how evil you are is just how much everybody hates you.

That smell!

Must be the drains playing up again.

Maybe there's something else rotting down there.

Want to go see?

Where am I? In the drains under Larkhall.

We've come to see what's stinking the prisoner.

No. No, I don't want to see.

No, you never do.

But this time, you've got no choice.

People hate you even more than they hated me.

That's pretty impressive.

Is that what's going to happen to me?

It is if you let them.

That's why you've got to stay on top.

You've got to let them know who's boss. Grind the bastards down.

You, um, really showed Janine and Donnie, didn't you?

I didn't do any of this. It was their own silly fault.

If the baby dies, will it be my fault?

Probably not.

You didn't get a pregnant, did you?

For the fire is slowly dying, and my dear, we're still goodbying.

But as long as you love me so, let it snow, let it snow,

let it snow.

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul.

With a corncob pipe and a button nose. Eyes made out of coal.

Frosty the Snowman is a fairy tale they say.

He was made of snow.

What do you want?

I came to see how the baby is.

Oh, thank God she's alive.

Can I hold her, Janine, please?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, she's beautiful, isn't she?

And what does the doctor say? Is she going to be all right?

They're going to have to watch her for a little while, but she should be.

And me too.

There's nothing I can say to tell you how sorry I am.

But please believe me, I am.

I know I've never been the most sympathetic of people, and last night

new depth, I know.

And, Donny, everything you said, I don't blame you.

Are you feeling all right, Syl?

I haven't felt so good in years.

But you mustn't let me down.

I expect this little girl to have the best father that anyone could have.

Well, there won't be any problems there.

He will need a job, though.

Well, if you can forgive and forget all that was said last night, I think I can

forget anything I might have heard.

Merry Christmas.

to you. I think you'll find I'm in charge on this wing.

That does not give you the right to take away our Christmas tree. And I think

you'll find it's a violation of our human rights.

I don't believe what I'm seeing.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

That whiskey was bloody good last night. I must still be drunk.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Let's get the tree decorated and ready for lunch. And bring Kerrigan back up

block. This is going to be the best Christmas that Larkhall has ever seen.

I'm going to name her after Bev.

If it weren't for her last night.

She has given me the best Christmas present ever.

Beverly Janine.

Because she's beautiful.

Just like her mum.

Yeah, well, she ain't going to be like her mum.

She ain't going to end up in a shell like this, that's for sure.

This is.

It's the Christmas spirit here, girls.

Everyone's a winner.

Oh,

yeah.

Look.

I thought that Dickens was going to hold the body bag, Jo.

I need to think she's bleeding on a Christmas.

Girls, look.

Why? I mean, it's probably no alcohol, but booze is booze, eh?

Maybe she's got a brain tumour.

Driven her loopy. That would be a Christmas miracle.

Hi, this is Bobby Darin. Leave a message and I'll call you back.

Hello, Bobby Darin?

Are you there?

Please pick up the phone.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

Not only yesterday.

I know I can be a narrow -minded old batlax, but it's just the way I am.

It doesn't mean to say I ever stopped loving you.

Some things I just simply don't understand, that's all.

And I hope you understand that.

I've got a few things to take care of at work today, but I do hope that you and

Brian... Have a lovely Christmas together.

Isn't that this girl?

And a load of her hair. God, I'm going to shit myself.

What have you noticed?

There was loads down there already.

Well done, girl.

Sounders! Come with me.

What, miss? What is it?

Just do as you're told.

I've done this.

Come on, hurry up.

Merry Christmas, ma 'am.

Oh, David.

Oh, darling.

We had a phone call from Mrs. Hollenby.

And... The tanty's cold cleared up overnight.

Mrs. Hollenby.

I don't know what to say.

When I lost my husband, Bobby, I thought it was the end of the world as well.

He died.

He didn't run off with some dyke slut.

No. He killed himself and left me in awful trouble.

I think that's just as much a betrayal.

Mandy... I know I was insensitive yesterday.

Shove it, Sylvia.

You're glad Sandy walked out, aren't you?

Faith, it dikes turn your stomach.

Oh, for goodness sake. It doesn't matter toppence what I think about what you

get up to in the bedroom, does it? I might not like it, but none of my

If you were in love with Sandy, then you were in love with her.

What you need now is a friend.

And if the truth be told, so do I.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Make the yuletide blue.

Hi. Do you want a drink, miss?

Merry Christmas, Ashanti.

He's a special little friend.

Keep till you're grown up and got kiddies of your own.

Here we go.

Can I ask you something?

Do you think Natalie Brookston's dead?

What?

How should I know?

She escaped, didn't she?

As far as we know.

But the police have never caught as much as a sniff of her.

I never thought Buxton was that clever.

Maybe she wasn't.

Maybe a kid she abused in the past got up with her, gave her what she deserved.

You know.

Bobby Darren!

I've got your message, Mum.

This is, uh... Brian.

Sorry about the uniform. I've come straight off duty.

I really wanted to see you for Christmas, Mum.

You've made my day.

Enough bloody Christmas music.

Listen, they're playing our tune.

Enjoy yourselves.

Mrs. Holliday, helping Janine give birth was a really life -changing experience

for us. And we were thinking we'd really rather like to train as midwives.

I imagine it would mean some sort of tagged release to a local hospital.

Midwives.

Do I look that much of a mug?

And you've already had a bottle of whiskey off Santa, haven't you?

Make the most of Christmas, you two. As soon as it's over, it's back to business

as usual.

After being caught in a compromising position by the Office Security Guard,

Linda and Greg have some explaining to do in the last in the series of Strictly

Confidential tomorrow at nine.

Next tonight, though, if you've ever wanted to right a wrong or solve a

Revenge TV is for you. It's coming next.