Original subtitles

I nearly got lucky.

Two fat ladies and I'd have had Jimmy's jackpot.

Oh, well, there's always next week.

Story of my life.

There it is.

Gina's.

I should forget her head if it wasn't screwed on.

Yeah, well, you don't want to make a habit of running around after her, do

No.

Helen.

Don't you talk to me. What, not even to apologise? Look, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have blown up like that.

You assaulted me.

Oh, cut the textbook politics, will you?

Well, what would you call it, Jim?

A friendly grope between colleagues?

Apology accepted, then.

You're a shit -fenner.

And if I thought I had an iota of a chance of anyone believing what

I'd get sacked in a second.

Finished?

Yeah. I am for now.

Look, things have been a little tough for me lately. Why had you forgotten?

Get out of my way.

I wake up dripping with sweat every night.

Oh, my heart bleeds.

Panic attacks every time I walk through those gates.

It's nothing you didn't bring on yourself.

Ah, but you see, I blame you, Helena.

Because every time I walk in here, I have to face the evil cow who came that

away from killing me.

Well, let's hope the next time she's that much luckier.

The company's called Kikin Productions, and they're coming in to shoot a fly -on

-the -wall documentary here in Larkhall.

It says they hope to present a compassionate portrayal of life inside a

prison.

Other than that, all I know is they arrive next week and the show's called

Lag.

That's original.

As if this lot didn't think they were celebrities already.

I don't know.

This could be a big breakthrough.

Look at what's -her -name in that driving programme.

Give up.

Yeah, well, I don't like the idea of people I don't know watching me.

Yeah, well, nobody gets filmed unless they give their consent.

And I'll be making that clear to all officers and inmates alike.

Like we haven't got enough to do without entertaining the nation to boot.

Yeah, well, I think Simon sees this as a chance for us to do some serious public

relations work.

Oh, it looks like we're stuck with it.

Let's try and do our best, eh?

Can I have a word?

Uh, yeah, I'm almost finished here.

No, no.

Please, it's a private matter.

So how are you and Jim getting on?

I assumed this was about you.

I take it you're still seeing him.

Yes, although I don't see what it's got to do with you.

Is it serious?

It's going very well.

So well we're thinking of moving in together.

Missed you.

You don't write, you don't phone.

Helen?

Papa.

You don't look like nothing.

I've got to open the door.

You might have known I couldn't be of any use.

Vicky, if I tell you, you've got to promise me it'll go no further. I mean

Hand on arm, what's that called?

It is Jim Frenner.

My guest.

The other night, I was in the office and he was having a go as usual.

But really didn't... I expect what happened after that.

My word.

He assaulted me.

What?

Between my legs.

He said that he knew what I needed to sort me out.

I'll kill him.

I really don't think that's going to help right now.

He sexually assaulted me. How could you? Calm down.

I don't know what to do.

Other than locking him in a cell with Cheryl Dockley.

Have you told Stubberfield?

No, I can't. Why not?

Get the bastard sat. It's time someone did.

What's that, Miss?

Can't you read?

Not big words, miss.

They're coming in to do a documentary about us. Like the ones they make about

airports and hotels.

Cool.

What if they can't see what it's really like in here, Jill?

It'd be terrible.

They never think, do they?

Best keep out of the way, eh?

Yeah.

I hope this excitement isn't going to get out of hand.

What's that with you?

Missing your toy boy already?

Who? Who?

Josh!

I've seen the way you grope him with your eyes.

I think you'll find it's the other way around.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, he's always holding me around.

He seems dead keen.

What are you waiting for, then?

Believe me, there's plenty in here who'll break him in if you won't.

You ready for Simon's meeting?

Yeah, just let me finish this crap.

You know, Helen, she was a bit odd this morning.

Yeah?

Very odd.

What does she want now?

Day trips to Alton Towers for all life, is she?

Actually, she was more interested in you and me.

Practically demanded to know how our relationship was going.

Well, maybe she disapproves.

Well, I don't think she has the right.

How would she feel if I started demanding details about her personal

She just doesn't know where to draw the line sometimes.

Ah, well.

I drew it for her.

Firmly. I told her we were getting on very well.

Did you now?

So well that we're thinking of moving in together.

We are, are we?

I haven't jumped the gun, have I?

Come on, our Lord and Master away.

I understand you all have reservations, but this kind of publicity could really

do Larkhall a lot of good.

I think the general feeling is we could all have done with a bit more warning.

Yes, yes, but these people do have very tight schedules to keep.

And we don't. How do we know it's not going to be a stitch -up?

These things usually are. Because I've negotiated which inmates they want to

interview and all subjects they want to discuss have to be cleared in advance.

We effectively have editorial control.

How long are they going to be here?

Can we know that much at least?

Ten weeks from start to finish, starting next week on G -Wing.

Thought I'd send them to the prettiest governor fair.

Win them over for us, eh, Miss Betts?

Hey,

still want to strip search me or something?

Only if it turns you on, darling. And remember, I'll abet from the left.

I've had a harder time getting through a supermarket checkout.

As long as my staff get a fair hearing.

These girls aren't here for pinching apples, you know.

That's what good documentary making is all about, Mr Stubberfield. Balance.

My point exactly.

Now, your researcher mentioned you wanted an interview.

What kind of questions would you be asking?

I've prepared some areas you might... Can we get back to you on that one,

we've got our bearings on G -Wing, wasn't it? You know, my wife watches all

these docu -soaps. Can't get enough of them.

They certainly have a way of catching the public's imagination.

As long as you realise prisons can be pretty routine -led, unexciting places.

Can't promise you a jailbreak or a riot.

Don't you worry, Mr Stoverfield. I'm sure we'll find something of interest.

Now, what about a shot of me on the wing, saying hello to the girls?

As you can see, this is the documentary team who'll be with us for the next few

weeks. Do you want to hear my choking chicken impression, Miss?

Thank you, Shaz, but this isn't cabaret.

It's a serious programme, which I want to make clear nobody is being forced to

participate in.

Think very carefully before discussing your individual crimes on camera.

And remember, the actual programme won't be televised for another six months or

so. So what might seem like a laugh now might not be so funny when it's being

broadcast to four million viewers.

I'm hoping for slightly higher figures than that.

This is Fiona, the director and producer.

So, unless there are any questions, over to you.

OK, guys, first thing I want you to do is just pretend we're not here.

I don't care what Bex says.

I'm going to tell him exactly what goes on around here.

You mean...

This should only take a couple of minutes.

Ready, Mr. Stubberfield?

Yes.

Careful, naughty.

Action.

Morning, ladies.

Who's that?

Don't know.

Can't. This time.

When Mr. Stubberfield says, good morning, ladies, could you all reply,

morning, Mr.

Stubberfield?

Right, can we go again, please?

Recording.

Michelle.

Can you tell me how you ended up here in Markham?

It's a mistake, isn't it?

You mean you're innocent?

Yeah.

Only they had to set an example for you. What would it have been in the papers?

There was this girl.

Got herself tortured to death.

But it weren't me. It were them other slags.

You didn't actually hurt her?

No. I tried to help.

But they cut her up bad.

Said they were going to do it to me and all. So I had to watch, didn't I?

She was... pretty too.

Lovely long red hair.

Didn't look so pretty when they set a match to it.

Must have been awful for you.

It was.

Smelt rotten.

I've never been able to curl my eyelashes since.

And all the time she's screaming at me, begging me for what could I have done?

Then what happened?

Well, she died, didn't she?

Just as well.

No man would ever have looked at her after that.

And you took all the blame?

I had to.

Them girls was nasty.

Nasty than the girls in here?

In here?

It's not the girls you've got to worry about in here.

Oh?

Well, we were all locked up, weren't we?

Poor defenceless women.

The screws that get away with it all. What do you mean by it all?

Well, banging women up for a living says it all, doesn't it?

They can get into our cells any time of the day or night.

Ask Jim Fenner.

Right, that's it.

Interview over.

Take it, there's the card.

Excuse me, we were still filming.

Sorry, love, only doing my job. Mr Fenner likes being on the job, don't

Fenner?

Don't point that thing at me.

Er, Jim Fenner?

Cheryl suggested we speak to you.

I said I didn't give my permission, OK?

You can run, Mr Fenner, but you can't hide.

That's the trouble with them screws, Chris. No sense of humour.

This is what we call free flow, where the prisoners move between their place

work or education and the wind under a light and spot.

Oh, I hope we can use that.

What do you think of the activities on offer here at Larkall?

Bollocks! Cover yourself up, young lady.

I'm coming in here goldfishing.

Fancy a bit, do you love?

If he's coming to look at you, I'll show you.

Got a bag?

Pissing you off as well, are they?

Especially that Fiona.

Don't you think it's all down to upbringing and education?

I could twirl myself.

So is it what you expected, then?

Well, I'd say there's been one or two surprises.

Like what?

Like I didn't think they'd be locking up such good -looking women.

It's criminal.

I try to keep myself nice.

Very nice.

Of course, it's a little luxury, if you miss.

Extra shade of lipstick, a tiny dab of perfume.

Where's the harm in perfume?

It's the glass, isn't it?

It's some right nutters, isn't it?

Of course, those with fellas get it brung in all the time.

Those of us without, we manage best we can.

We'll see.

What do you want, Wade?

An RNC form.

I want to complain about the TV crew.

Don't waste my time.

Know what you are, Fenner?

First -class bastard.

Yeah?

Well, women like that sort of thing. Real women, anyway.

Dockley didn't.

Did she?

Not in the end.

She had a way with a bottle.

Just like me.

Get out of here, White.

And here's me.

All I want is one little form.

It's enough to really piss me off.

I said that's enough. Back off.

You know, if I wasn't getting out of here...

almost be worth it.

All I've got to do is shout.

I could replace that sneer of yours with a lovely, big smile.

What is going on?

Thanks for listening, Mr. Phillips.

I feel much better now.

Are you out of your stupid mind?

Sorry. There's your appeal out the window.

I've been working my arse off to get you out of here. Haven't you noticed?

All I ask is for you to keep your head down and your nose clean.

You didn't really expect me to say nothing. I have gut feelings, you know.

what kind, Nicky?

Anger, jealousy, violence.

Those aren't the qualities that I generally look for in a person.

Just remember what got you in here in the first place. I didn't.

Touch him. No, but you wanted to.

What? And you don't.

I am not the one in here serving life for sticking a bottle in the policeman's

neck.

I like to think of the girls as friends, really.

I see myself as an older sister offering help and advice.

The inmates respond to that approach.

Some do.

but they can still turn very nasty.

But as my Bobby says, a kind word costs no more than a cruel one.

You only hope someone, someday, will appreciate it.

Go on, then.

All right, all right, get out of the way. You can't, Miss. Can you wait

a bit?

I'm going out tonight.

You're going to die, miss. She'll be wishing she had by the time I finish

her. Stop gawping and get back in your cells.

Get the most. Come on, Martin.

Get that bloody camera out.

Inside, I want to talk to you.

I don't want you around here anymore, Sean.

Well, that's a shame, because I ain't going nowhere.

Yeah?

Well, that's where you could be wrong.

You and that Chris seem to be getting nice and friendly.

So?

So I could get you his van keys.

You could be out of luck all for good.

Yeah, and Shang -I'd all the way to bloody Durham when they catch me.

Nice try, Mr Fenner.

If I could have had you transferred, don't you think I'd have done it by now?

So why haven't you, then?

Because bloody Stuart runs the show round here these days, that's why.

I'm serious.

I can spring you.

Go on, then. How are you going to do it?

I swear, one word, and this is finished before it's started.

I ain't going to tell no -one. Not if this is real.

I hear Stuart's got all the life as keeping daily diaries, is that right?

Not me.

I ain't writing down me privates.

Well, star.

Only backdated six weeks ago.

I want every meeting written up, dated, described.

OK. Only lay it on.

Say how friendly it all is.

Relaxed. In fact, sometimes you're surprised just how relaxed Miss Stuart

with you.

You planning to dump her in it?

Yeah. With any luck.

Helen. You were right.

Again.

There are ways of going about things other than violence, Nicky. Yeah?

You just haven't sorted one yet.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I understand how you feel.

But this is my battle.

Why don't you concentrate and fight your own?

Now then, what's this nonsense all about, Bookie?

Just attention -seeking, isn't it?

Come now, you're not a child.

Look at yourself. Not very pretty, is it?

I like the way it looks.

You like hurting yourself?

Yeah.

Cos I'm bad inside.

Or onto the core.

Nobody's bad unless they choose to be bad.

I am.

That's why I do it, innit?

All them...

Bad things inside me, they build up, see?

Strangling me.

Killing me.

But when I bleed, they can't hurt me because I can see them.

And when the pain's outside, I don't want to die no more.

Well, it doesn't make an awful lot of sense, does it? Because you're not

listening.

It's like this storm, this rage.

I've got to get it out somehow.

I've got to.

Why are you angry?

Really want to know?

I'm keeping you down here on Rule 43 until you promise either myself or one

the other officers that you're going to stop all this.

First time I got shafted, I was five years old.

All right, that's enough.

By my care worker.

Come on, out.

Some bloody care that was.

That's enough now, Pookie. The doctor will be down to see you shortly.

I trust he won't be using any of it.

Then he brought his friends, didn't he?

Twice a week.

Every week.

I remember everything about him.

Furniture.

Wallpaper.

Everything.

everything. Want me to tell you the deal, do you?

Dirty old pervert.

Pervert!

Pervert!

You think they clear up after themselves?

I seem to think they've got their run of the place.

Yeah.

Well, that's me off to reception, then.

See you later.

Look at you.

You get more handsome every time you visit.

You been working out?

Rowing club.

Rowing club.

Who'd have thought it?

They're making you famous, are they?

Well, then.

I'm running out of vision. It's a sign to proclaim her.

Proclaim her.

It doesn't bother me.

No? Well, it bothers me.

I worked hard to get you in that school.

I know. And I don't want it ruined by people seeing you in here.

With me.

I've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah, you have.

You've got chances, David.

Opportunities. And you don't want that ruined by everybody knowing that your

mum's a...

Do you remember what you said to me on my first day at that school?

Don't you call the other boys friends?

No. You said, go and do your best.

Listen up.

I've got something to tell you.

Go on back.

I'm out with your dad.

He was there.

At that school play, Lord.

He meant to say hello, but things got a bit, well, complicated.

He's seen me?

Yes. And he's ever so proud.

And he's ever so nice.

He's a real charmer.

Like you.

Are you going to see him again?

I have to.

I find myself filling up at times like these.

It's the thought of being separated from my mum.

Be glad to be rid of mine. Like a bloody tease made myself one of these days.

Oi! No touching!

Den, over here.

It's OK.

Shirt is cool.

It's private, Den.

You're big.

You're not bothered.

Well, we tell each other everything anyway.

Well, you ain't telling me this.

I'm going over the wall, aren't I?

You're right. Straight up.

Any day now.

Are you serious?

I've got it all planned out, haven't I?

Honey, I was wondering.

Do you want to come with me?

How are you going to do it?

Best if I don't tell you that.

That way, if the screws get wind, they can't drag nothing out of you.

So, are you up for it, then?

I don't know, Emma.

It's not like you're going to get another chance, is it?

Excuse me?

Yeah, um... I thought I'd cheer you up, make things a bit easier for you, you

know?

You've just brightened my day up no end, Christopher.

See you later.

I'm sorry, but you can't film here.

This is the lifers' group, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's a closed session.

Oh, he hasn't told you, has he?

Who? Mr Stubberfield.

He particularly wants us to film what goes on here.

Thinks the lifers' group shows Lark Hall at its most progressive.

Well, Mr Stubberfield doesn't run this group. I do.

And I don't want you here.

Uh, you don't seem to understand.

We've negotiated an access all areas policy...

Throughout the whole prison. Not with me, you haven't.

So you can just pack up your things and leave.

No.

I am only doing my job.

Not historically a great excuse, is it, Fiona?

Right. If everyone would just pull the chairs around, please.

You don't have to tell me.

I promise, Cheryl.

I know where it is anyway.

Cool.

Sounds dead kosher, Cheryl. She's got this escape plan all worked out and

everything.

I just thought she panted that Chris.

She wants me to go with her.

Are you?

I had to say yeah.

But I don't really want to.

Why not?

It's crap in here.

I don't care where I am as long as I'm with you.

I don't want to be in here with you.

She does.

Not when we could both be outside.

You what?

I'll come with you.

We'll get a squat.

I know these crusties that'll sort us out. They'd be brilliant.

But what about the show?

I'll tell her I guessed what we're up and I wanted a piece.

What's she going to do? Tell Mr Fenner?

Tomorrow. You ever die?

You've done a real good job, too.

I think I'll be the judge of that.

Because if you don't turn it down, I'll have you on toilet duty, that's why.

I've done what you said.

Everything.

If it does the job, this is how it goes.

Tomorrow, you're to go to chapel.

It's in the back row, right -hand side aisle seat.

I'll leave a gate and door key taped under the seat. As soon as you find

crash them.

I'm getting keys.

If this is good enough.

After the service, Tano announced his movement. That's when you slip away.

What, in front of all them people?

They're your cover, aren't they?

Unlock the gate. Go along the chapel corridor to the exterior door.

The film cruise van is parked in the yard.

I'll leave the van key.

and 100 quid in an envelope behind the front wheel.

What about the main gate?

Put your hair up in a scarf.

You've seen the way Fiona does it.

Now, they haven't searched the van once yet.

If you play it cool, you'll be able to drive straight out.

Chris bring you that little gift, did he?

Yeah, a nice little bottle of perfume.

Good.

Leave it in a cell where it can be found.

When do I get my diary back?

I think I'll hold on to this for now.

Look.

I don't want any extra little details running away, do we?

And you've told no -one.

Hey, Julie.

You up for a few hallelujahs, then?

What's the matter, Cheryl? You haven't seen the area you're at, have you?

Sod you, then.

You're only going to miss the biggest show that's been round here in a while.

Why, what's she up to?

You hate that film lot, don't you?

Fishbowling us all the time.

So? So, I've got something planned that's going to turn the tables right

Oh, yeah?

Maybe I do feel a few Hail Marys coming on after all.

Only I need some help, right?

A diversion.

So when I say, make some noise in that.

Think we can manage that? Aye, Jo.

Yeah. But till then, you've got to keep your big trap shut. Got it?

Yeah.

Good turnout today.

I wonder why.

Maybe the Lord's been doing a little overtime.

How

nice

it is to see so many of you here today.

This afternoon, I'd like us to think about the subject of prayer.

Prayer isn't just about asking God to change our lives.

It's about asking him to show us how we can change our own lives for the better.

Neither do we have to be in church on a Sunday for God to hear our prayers.

He can hear us just as well as we work or at night before we go to sleep.

down this minute.

It isn't actually time for communing yet, Cheryl.

Oh.

Sorry.

I thought I had this voice calling me.

Well, it wasn't mine.

I'll tell you when.

Thank you, sir.

If you'd all like to bow your heads, our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be

thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, and we

those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Give me joy in my heart, keep me praising.

Keep me praising

till

the end of...

I thought you'd like to know that it's all quiet back here.

And that I... Well, I'll miss you.

I've been thinking about what you said.

About us moving in together.

I think we should talk about it.

Why don't we think about taking a holiday?

God knows you deserve one.

Hmm.

Maybe you're right.

Getting away from this place could be just what I need.

Hello, Bravo.

Are you achieving?

Solo over.

Hang on. Sounds like trouble.

Jim? Listen, I've got to go.

Karen.

I love you.

Go ahead, Zulu.

Now, come on, Joe.

Yeah, I'm bloody trying, aren't I?

Here,

you can drive, can't you, Shell?

Shell?

You're on break.

and he bloody done it

What set all this off?

Oh, how should I know?

They just went wild like a load of banshees.

One minute it's St. Jose, the next all hell's broken loose.

Oh, sorry, a chap. Anyone missing?

I don't know.

We'll go and check the names.

Then we'll get this lot back in their cells.

Go on.

I want to make a complaint.

What for?

I'd have thought this was right up your street.

Well, I can't use pictures without sound, can I?

Told you it worked, didn't I, Den? Like a dream, Shell. And I made it all up

myself, clever or what.

I'd give anything to see Bodybag's face now.

Yeah, well, I reckon we owe all and be a little busy, for old time's sake.

Well?

They're not all here.

Are you sure?

I checked twice.

There's three of them gone.

Three? Who, for Christ's sake?

Shell, Doctor.

Denny Blood and Shaz Wiley.

Well, they can't have got far.

They must be hiding somewhere.

Should I call security?

No, I'll do it.

Get this prison search from top to bottom. Right, come on, everybody.

Back in your cells.

Now, come on. Move.

All right, what's next then, Charlotte? Can we go and get pissed?

I told you, girls.

It's all planned out. We've got to go to King's Cross first. Yeah, get some

gear. Nice one.

Stand up.

Oi, Grandad, we're on the run here. Right, let's see how he lights it up.

Jackson.

What do we do now?

Run like hell.

Ah!

Bastard!

We've searched all the cells.

They're nowhere to be seen.

I want the whole place turned upside down.

Cupboards, slot buckets, bins everywhere. Then when you're finished,

again. Come on, I'll give you a piggyback.

Don't! It hurts!

We've got to go then.

We've got to leg it now.

Look, I ain't leaving without her.

Go on. I'll be all right.

It's a fucking taxi.

You earn her. This is your chance, Jen.

Go for it.

We'll come back for her. I can sort it. You know I can.

Go on.

Run.

Have a pint with me.

I'll come back for you. I promise you.

Love you, Jen.

I love you, Shaz.

Oi, you! Hit her!

Keys crossed, please. Quick as you can, doll.