Original subtitles

What is this?

It's Arnold.

I think he was out with Mary Johnson again last night.

Here's $15 for last night.

Hey, that's not bad, considering we started so late.

We've been together here for four or five nights in a row now. We had a lot

get done.

It's almost as if we was going steady.

For your information, I've been going steady with you for some time now.

How come I'm always the last to know?

Oh, Artem.

I love you. But why am I being transferred?

Your mother says your new father, Swifty, wants you all to live in his

motorhome.

Behind the casino.

You mean to say that me, my brother, and my sisters are all going to have to

leave Brooklyn?

Isn't that wonderful?

I can't do that.

I'm not going to leave.

And Napoleon died on the small island of St. Helena in the year 1821.

Does anybody have any questions for Mary on her report?

Was Napoleon happy in St. Helena?

He was probably very unhappy because he didn't want to be there.

Maybe he just didn't try hard enough to stay where he wanted to be.

But he must have known that I didn't want him to go away.

Have you guys got the same book everybody else has?

What would Napoleon do if he didn't go to Atlantic City? Certain things

has to figure out for himself.

I have one last question for you, Mary Johnson.

Yes, Your Highness.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on

spot. Welcome back.

I ain't chickening out to come to his own bachelor party. Here he comes. Here

comes.

All right. All right. Come on. Come on.

You get ready. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Now you get it. Come on. Get inside.

Do it.

I got you.

All right.

What is this stuff anyway, man?

Imitation wild cherry soda.

With garlic and olive oil.

I could find.

Anybody at home?

Come on, I'll be a bachelor punch.

Where's Juan and Vinny?

Juan will be here in a minute and Vinny calls so he has to work late. Yeah, but

forget about them, Arnold, because today is your day. You get a good grip on

that punch, all right?

Arnold, here's to you.

May you do better on your honeymoon than you did in algebra.

This cherry soda's great.

Needs a little more garlic.

Anyway, Arnold, soon you're going to be married, so that doesn't leave much time

to have some fun.

Oh, yeah, Arnold, you see, you know, we figured that we was going to provide you

with some female companionship on your last days of freedom, so we took the

liberty to borrow your little black book.

We're going to call up a couple of your old girlfriends.

There are only two numbers in there.

Yeah, man, one was Thumbsucker's Hotline.

The other one was an emergency nightlight service.

Oh, I get it.

This is just like Arnold Horshack roast. I love it.

I don't know if we're going to roast you, Arnold, but we got something here

that's going to get your blood boiling. Ooh, yeah.

Horschak, the incredible, the lovely, the stupendous, the bombshell of

Miss Juanita.

Last time we'd all be bachelors together, you know?

Yeah, you know, after six months of marriage to you, I think Mary will be on

Easy Street scrubbing bricks.

I can take care of Mary. Sure, you can buy her a new bucket every month.

Listen, Mary and I got big plans.

Oh, yeah?

My sister had big plans when she got married in high school.

It was a good thing her husband has a car because now they're living in it.

I got a nice place to live. We got a good job.

And Mary's very good around the house.

Yeah, uh -huh, but can she cook?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, uh -huh, but can she cook without food?

Yeah, we'll see how good she can cook when she has to boil the same chicken

three days in a row.

Hey, come here, Wad. You be the chick. Come here.

I'm you, Arnold, all right? Check it out.

It's the chicken's day off.

Do you mean to tell me that Juan really dressed up like a girl at Arnold's

party? You should have seen it, boy. It's the mud. Yeah, yeah, make a real

-looking girl.

Yeah, I don't doubt it. Three sailors came to our house looking for you last

night.

What's going on here?

Oh, the guys were just telling us about Arnold's bachelor party.

Well, I hope somebody told him what a mistake it is getting married while he's

still in school.

I'd tell him, but in his condition, it's like telling Billy Carter to keep his

mouth shut.

There is Arnold now, home cramming for his blood test.

Mr. Woodman, why are you so cruel?

After all, they said they'll name their first child after you.

Well, I wouldn't mind. That kid's going to be famous.

That'll be the first horse, Jack. Born in captivity.

He's just jealous. I'll see you later. See you later.

Well, gentlemen, are you going to come inside and join me, or do you expect the

knowledge to seep out under the door?

Not me. If I go in before the bell rings, I get a nosebleed.

Hey, yo, Mary, Mary, Mary.

Did you hear about that bachelor party that we gave to Arnold?

Oh, yes, I did.

Arnold's gone.

What do you mean gone? We made a song last night. What are you talking about?

just left.

happened to him?

Did he say anything before he split?

He left a note.

But I don't understand any of it.

Dear Mary, I'll be back when I can take care of you. I don't want... I don't

want you scrubbing bricks.

I don't want you cooking without food.

No chicken should be boiled more than once.

Mary, did Arnold leave any kind of clues around at all?

Hey, look, Mary, do you mind if we check around? I mean, if we look around the

place and stuff like that, we might find something that could be a clue to help

us find them. Sure, go ahead. Yeah, you know, in a case like this, you never can

tell. I might be able to find a road map or a bus ticket or a suicide note.

He couldn't have gone far. He only had about 50 cents.

Come on, Mary, look.

And my dad go all the way to Coney Island, have a real good time for less

50 cents.

Yeah, but you were traveling with an organ grinder.

We can stop looking. Check it out.

What do you got, Freddy?

Look at this. Well, you see what this newspaper was opened up to, right? Yeah.

Well, obviously Arnold was going to check out one of these ads.

Freddy, I think you put your finger on it right over there.

Arnold Horschak has gone and joined the Marines.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a friend of mine.

You're looking for a friend of yours what?

I'm looking for a friend of mine, Arnold. I'm looking for a friend of

Oh, you too?

Well, maybe we can just look together.

people to go work in Alaska?

Bet you read, kid.

Sign says, man wanted.

Yeah, I can see it. Wait a minute. Just hold on a minute. Hey, look, Junior.

Just come back when you grow up.

Hey, look, man, I'm talking to you, baby. You think you bad? You want to sit

there in front of my face?

Yeah, I ain't looking for the job for me, you see.

I was looking for a good friend of mine, a real good friend of mine. Friend of

yours? That's right.

Well, why don't you check under some of these rocks?

and missing people. My friend, I am the best in the world.

Okay, please have a seat.

You'll find anybody anywhere for $25.

You're really that good? Would you like to see a list of the people I have

found? Would it make you feel better?

Sure. Because I don't mind. Normally, I would not do this for you.

I don't mind.

Well, it's around here. It is definitely around here. I will find it later.

All right?

Now.

Who is it exactly that you are looking for? His name is Arnold Horschak. This

important. I must write this down. All I need is a pencil.

Just a pencil to write this down, and we're on our way.

I don't have to write it down.

I have a mind like a steel track.

But first, what I must do is call the airport, the bus terminals, and so on.

Now, I have these numbers in my telephone book.

I will call information.

You wouldn't happen to have a telephone on you, would you?

I'm joking.

I'm joking. I knew for a second there. Sometimes I do these things. I'm sorry.

No, no, please. I have a phone. I remember I got the bill. I remember. I

have a phone. And it is around here.

Well, well, well, well, lo and behold.

Here I found that list of people I was telling you about.

No, this is not the list of those people. These are the list of the people

are coming to my birthday party.

Last night.

I can see you're all upset and everything. I'm going to go ahead and

But first, I insist for coming here and your trouble, I want you to have a card.

And I want you to feel free to call me anytime.

I think I got your number.

Did you? Did you give it to me, please?

Thank you. This is very handy to have.

Young man, young man, I want to thank you for coming in and seeing me today

whenever you are in the neighborhood.

Nine to five.

May I help you?

Hey, look, Mary, we're sorry, man. We checked everywhere and we couldn't

Ain't that right, y 'all?

Don't worry, guys. It wasn't your fault.

Yes, it was.

What do you mean?

We did something very rotten. What?

Remember we had that bachelor party and everything? Well, we just kind of kidded

Arnold about how bad marriage is.

Yeah, you know, we're just kidders, Mary. He just rolls off our backs, you

I kid Epstein about his lock, I kid Freddie about his lousy basketball.

sure, we do it all the time.

Tell me what happened.

Look, Mary, um, we found out that there's some things that you just don't

about, you know?

Like marriage.

Or funerals, or executions, or... or leprosy.

So that's what Arnold was talking about in that note. The jokes you were playing

on him.

Yeah. Didn't you realize that Arnold was sensitive about all these things?

Look, Mary, we just weren't thinking.

Yeah, sometimes we're good at that.

Yeah, look, Mary, we didn't want to foul things up.

We was going to throw you the biggest potty that Brooklyn's ever seen.

Is this where the paper was open to when you found it?

Yeah, we checked every possible lead.

But how about this page?

Oh, Mary, this is a bunch of movie ads.

Go ahead with the wedding plan.

I think I know where he is.

Will you shut up?

Arnold, why did you run away?

Because the guys were right, popcorn.

If I married you, you'd be scrubbing floors for the rest of your life trying

make ends meet.

Arnold, the guys were only kidding you.

Right now they're out planning a beautiful wedding for us.

They really?

They're the best friends anybody could ask.

for.

Yeah, but I still can't... I still can't give you all the things you

need, Mary.

Do you think I expect you to give me things?

Well, sure.

If I'm your husband, I'm supposed to provide for you.

What am I supposed to do? Sit out on the porch and count bald eagle?

What? I don't know.

You're not supposed to give me... Anything.

We're going to work for everything we need.

Together.

No, the guys were right. This marriage is going to be a big mistake.

I know Mrs. Horshack can handle any problems that come along.

How about Mr. Horshack?

Well, sure.

As long as he has Mrs. Horshack by his side.

You will, Arnold.

You know something?

You're terrific.

Hey,

Mr. Woodman, what's happening?

All right.

Good to see you.

What are you doing here? Well, I've never seen a sweetheart get married, and

love freak shows.

Will you put this with the bride's presents?

No problem.

This, too.

Don't break it.

Yeah, be very careful with that, Freddy. It's hard to replace things you get out

of cereal boxes.

Gosh, there sure are a lot of flowers.

Where'd you get them all?

I don't know.

Epstein was in charge of that.

What do you think of this one here?

Is Arnold ready?

Almost. We're waiting for him to stop shaking so we can button his shirt.

The poor kid. Honey, why don't you go inside and have a little talk with him?

Maybe you can calm him down.

My talks always put him to sleep.

Let's really calm down.

I'll talk to him.

There we go, Arnold.

Kind of nervous, aren't you?

Arnold, when I got married, I was so nervous.

When I said I'd do it, it had 15 syllables in it.

You know, generally I don't believe in teenage marriages.

But I'll tell you something I do believe in.

I believe in love.

Look, Arnold, you and Mary love each other. And everything's going to be

Arnold, what's the matter with you?

You tied my tie too tight.

Mr.

Music if you please.

Juan, didn't you get a minister?

Mr. Reverend.

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here to

join these two people in matrimony.

If there's anyone here who can show just cause why these two should not be

joined together, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Do you, Mary, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Do you, Arnold, take Mary to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

The ring, please.

Ring.

Ring. Ring.

You rang?

Here it is.

Place the ring on her finger.

By the state of New York and musicians local 802, I now pronounce you

man and wife.

Now you may kiss the bride.

Well, Mrs. Horshack, I guess it's just you and me.

Forever and ever.

That's right, Mr.

Horshack.

Forever.

And ever.

And ever.

And ever.

So what's for dinner?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We need to tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how it must have been.

And I know what it seems.

you were learning in Was there something that made me come back again And what

could ever lead ya What could ever lead ya Back here where we need ya Back here

where we need ya Yeah, we tease him a lot Cause we got him on the spot Welcome

back Welcome back Welcome back Welcome back Welcome back

Welcome back Yeah, we tease

We got him on the spot.