Original subtitles

Listen to this one.

Woodman is a test tube baby.

You know what?

I think he looks more like a mason jar baby.

What are you laughing at? What am I laughing at?

I'm laughing that somebody could be so foolish as to write something like that

about such a fine man.

Thank you, Dullabar.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to get some paint and cover up that filth.

Thank you, my boy.

Oh, that's only the beginning.

See, when I get done there, I'm going over to the boys' restroom and cover up

all the disparaging remarks about you in there, too.

Of course, it may take several gallons of paint.

That's splendid, my boy. I'll tell you what. After you finish there, you come

my office. I'll give you the key. You do the same thing in the faculty men's

room.

Hello, Mr. Goldman.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

Oh, well, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I haven't been to bed in two nights.

Night before last, I had to take Mr. Hicks out to dinner.

You mean the Mr. Hicks that's retiring from the school board?

Didn't get home till after midnight.

Thought he would never pick up the check.

And when I did get home, the refrigerator was on the blink, so I had

and eat the doggy bag.

Nah, he couldn't let it go to waste.

And that weirdo Hicks, you know, he orders the state's blood rare.

I'd hardly get his leftovers down.

And then I had to stay up all last night with these fool student evaluation

reports.

Why don't you just give these to me, you go into your office and sit down, and I

will look them over and then put them in the student files, okay?

Oh, thanks, Julie.

Hold all my calls, will you? Yep.

I'm going to try to get 40 winks.

Can't face the world without my beauty sleep.

And vice versa.

Hi, Arnold. What can I do for you? Well, I just stopped by to see if the

supplies for the school store have come in yet.

Oh, just a second, Arnold.

Hello?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Thanks. Yeah, I'll be right down.

Okay, thanks a lot. Bye -bye.

Arnold, look, Miss Batali in Home X, she hemmed this skirt for me, and I have to

go downstairs and try it on.

Oh, that Miss Batali, she's great at hemming.

Also, hawing.

Um, look, Arnold, will you do me a big favor and man the phones for me while

gone? Oh, sure, you just run along.

Okay, thanks, Arnold. And don't you worry your pretty little head.

I will run this off. with the same efficiency and courtesy that you

would.

It's your dime, spill it.

You've done something different with your hair.

Yeah, but she put it on the wrong head.

That's not funny, boys.

Mrs. Carter has stepped away momentarily, and I am the new captain of

Whoa, abandon ship, abandon ship!

Are you here on official business, or did he just stop by to make you

remarks? What do you mean, sophomoric remarks?

Come on, man. We gave up those kind of remarks years ago.

Now we're doing senior mark remarks.

Yeah, actually, we came in so I could con Mrs. Carter out of an off -campus

pass. Well, unfortunately, Mrs. Carter is not here, and you would be wasting

your time because I, Arnold Will of Iron Horshack, cannot be conned.

What a pity.

What a pity.

You know, I was thinking about taking all four of us out to lunch over at the

Pizza Plaza.

Fortunately, Arnold Will of Iron Horse Shack can be bribed.

Let's sit and navigate those passes so we can get over to the pizza parlor.

yeah, boy, I can taste them anchovies. Nah, nah, nah. Late passes,

40 passes, absentee excuses.

Maybe the off -campus passes are off -campus.

Hey, what's this?

Student Evaluation Reports, Michael J. Woodman, Principal.

Oh, don't read that, Bo. Put those down. You cannot read these. No student can

ever read the student evaluation reports. Never, never, never. Hey, you

that's true, man. We got caught looking at these. We didn't get into major

league trouble. That's right. The last guy I got caught looking at this is

clapping the races.

He graduated eight years ago.

Are they really that important?

Yes, they are.

Let's check them out.

Well, then, what are we waiting for?

Bo, you really shouldn't do this, Bo. This is not a right thing to do. Bo, you

shouldn't do this.

You're going to get in a lot of trouble, Bo. You can't do this. I'm trying to

think. Thank you.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the

spot. Welcome back.

Listen to this, man. Check out what Mr. Woodman wrote about me.

Washington is capable of being a good student.

He spends a majority of his time on the basketball court.

His per point game average is 28.

Well, that's not so bad.

And so is his IQ.

Well, listen to what Mr. Woodman has to say about the kid here. You ready?

Juan Epstein has not lived up to his full potential.

But when he does, it will be a federal matter and out of my hands.

I do not believe what I am reading here.

It says that I tend to be childish.

Hey, come on, guys. There's no need to be upset. These things don't mean

anything.

Well, yeah, well, what did old Woodface have to say about you and me? Yeah, what

did he say? Yeah, well, what difference does it make? Let's just go have some

lunch. You look upset, man. Hey, Mr. Woodman must have really nailed you to

wall. Let's just see it. Let's just forget it and go grab some lunch. Let's

a look at it, huh?

Now, look at Bo, buddy. If you feel like crying, you go right ahead, because

you're amongst friends.

Yeah, be a man.

It says here you're a model student and citizen.

Courteous.

respectful, well -mannered, and trustworthy.

Wow, man, all we need is thrifty, brave, and kind, and you could be a Boy Scout.

I ain't finished.

Thrifty, brave, and kind.

The only fault I find with Beau Delabarre

is the motley bunch of punks.

He insists on running around with it. Yeah, that sounds like us.

Hey, come on, guys. These reports don't mean anything.

I think they do.

I think that they mean that you've been doing some apple polishing above and

beyond the call of duty. Man, you know what I think, man?

I think that while Bo was talking himself up to Mr. Woodman, he's been

us down.

Yeah. Let me tell you something, man. From now on, you're on your own.

Hey, come on. I didn't have anything to do with this. Give me a break.

Sure. Which leg?

Come on, guys.

Arnold.

In the words of the childish Arnold Horschak, lawyer, lawyer, pants on fire.

Hi, folks.

Hi, Mrs. Carter.

You're all by yourself. Don't you usually eat in the schoolyard with the

Yeah, the guys do. I don't.

Okay. What's the problem?

Look, I con Mr.

Woodman into thinking I'm such a great guy.

Now my buddies think I'm a great jerk.

Well, why do you feel like you have to con people into things all the time

anyway?

I don't know. I can't help myself.

You know, when you've been in and out of as many schools as I have, conning

people into liking you...

You become second nature.

You know, Bo, people would like you a lot more if you would just be yourself.

I don't think I know who myself is anymore.

Bo, you are a real likable guy.

You've got a great sense of humor. I mean, all those stories about growing up

the plantation are wonderful.

And how your daddy always used to say things in threes.

It's all real funny stuff.

Mrs. Cotter, my daddy never told me anything.

I hardly even knew who my daddy was.

I was shuffled from relative to relative.

And the closest thing I ever got to a plantation was sneaking into the theater

to watch Gone with the Wind.

I know that.

You knew that?

Of course I did. I could see through that phony act of yours from the first

you got here.

Yeah, but you're old and wise.

You are a charmer.

You know, I didn't charm anybody this morning.

You know what? Why don't you just give the guys a chance?

Why don't you give yourself a chance?

You know, maybe even Mr. Woodman could help you.

Woodman, you're a genius, Mrs. Cotter.

You know, Mr. Woodman got me into this mess.

I think Mr. Woodman's just going to have to get me out.

Thank you, dearly.

I wonder.

Julie Cotter, student counselor.

Mr. Woodman?

Mr.

Woodman?

Mr.

Woodman? Mr.

Woodman? Mr.

Woodman?

Me? Sleeping? Nonsense. I was just checking the desk for imperfections in

veneer.

Yeah, when I heard you stayed up all late last night working, I figured the

least I could do was bring you a nice strong cup of coffee. Help you through

day.

Ah, that's very thoughtful.

Thank you, my boy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Listen, why don't you just flip off those trousers? I'll take them down to

Ec and have the stain removed.

Forget it. It's too much trouble.

Oh, Mr. Woodman, a man of your standing cannot be seen around school with

stained trousers.

Well, all right, if you say so.

Where are your manners? Turn your head, Delbar.

Here.

Listen, why don't you just sit tight? In fact, why don't you just take a little

nap?

You know, by the time you wake up, I'll have these back good as new.

Well,

well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Woodman's little angel.

You think I'm a Woodman's boy?

Well, I've got his pants right here. What do you think about that?

Isn't that cute?

Now they're starting to dress alike.

Well, for your information, I'm about to take these trousers and run them up the

flagpole.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go on, do it. Just as soon as I do one more

thing. Well, yeah, what?

This.

to school.

but he's crazy. He's got a lot of guts.

I know. As soon as Mr. Woodman finds out, his guts are going to be all over

schoolyard.

Ladies and gentlemen, I called you here today to pay tribute to our principal, a

man whose tireless work never slaps, whose unequal leadership

proves that he wears the pants in this school, and I'm not just pulling your

leg.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our principal, Michael J. Woodman.

responsible for this. Epstein?

Yes, ma 'am. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

What do you know about this?

Uh, I don't know. It looks like somebody stole your bagpipes.

What's that?

Well, uh, it's a very nice color on you.

But I think you'd do better in basic black.

I'll get your pants down for you because you ain't in no condition to climb up

there and get them yourself.

Mr. Woodman, I'm responsible for this.

I pulled the alarm and I ran your trousers up the pole.

The guys had nothing to do with it.

Bellabar, I am shocked and appalled.

I never thought you would stoop so low as to take the blame for these little

pack rats.

Well, Mr. Woodman... It's all right.

I know they put you up to it.

Don't worry.

Their troublemaking days in this school are over.

But, Mr. Woolman, I did it myself. Forget it, son. Forget it. Don't be

Get to my office immediately.

The rest of you, back to your classes.

Get moving now.

What's wrong with you people?

Didn't you ever see a man with a skirt before?

you come up smelling like a rose again.

Yeah. Come on, guys. And we just come up smelling.

Guys, look. Look, I didn't mean to get you in trouble. You know I didn't mean

to. You know, if I remember correctly, that's exactly what Bonnie said to

Come on. Leave it, man.

Never.

And I repeat, never.

In all my years as a teacher and administrator, have I witnessed such a

disgusting display.

Don't blame us, Mr. Woodman. They're your legs.

Freddie, will you quit it? I think your legs are very cute.

We was framed, Freddie. We was framed.

I know. I think this southern fried phony put the screws to us again.

That's enough.

Not another word. You've had your laughs for the day.

Now it's my turn.

You realize when you set off a false alarm that some students could be

Here.

Here. One week's detention for each one of you.

That's just the beginning.

When I'm through with you, you'll know the meaning of pain, torment, and

suffering.

Mr. Woodman. No, no, Dollar Bar, I'm getting my jollies.

Look, I insist that I be heard, so just sit down.

Now, in the words of my good friend, Freddie Washington, check it out.

That prank that was pulled this afternoon required imagination, expert

and above all, brains.

Now, look at those faces.

You think there's a brain in those heads?

Well, now that you mention it... To be successful.

This scheme had to be pulled off by someone you'd least suspect.

Someone who, in your very words, is a model student and citizen.

Courteous, respectful, well -mannered, and trustworthy.

Thrifty. Brave.

And lest we forget, kind.

And that someone is that little old pants waver, me.

You read your student file?

Yeah, well, it's all Mrs. Cox's task. You read your student file?

Well, since you put it that way... Contrary to what you may think,

this is not the first time my pants have been run up the flagpole.

That I could forgive. Now he tells us.

But never, ever in the history of Buchanan High School has a student

dared to enter the hallowed sanctity of the student files.

How about that?

And then to top it off, this little stunt with the fire alarm, or you could

taken the fire department away from a real emergency.

Expulsion is too good for you, Delabarre.

Oh, no.

I'm going to keep you here at Buchanan until you get more than you bargained

for.

You're going to do all three weeks' detention.

That's just for openness.

And to think that I trusted you.

I took you under my wing.

I thought of you as a son.

From now on, I'm treating you just like another one of these wombats.

Hey, that's okay with me.

How about the rest of you wombats?

Just okay with me, yeah.

You'll see just how tough I can get.

Be a long time before you pull another prank on Michael J. Woodman.

All right.

One.

Hey, guys. Hey, Bo. Hey, Bo.

Hey, Rembrandt. Still at it, huh?

Yeah, as soon as I get done here, I'm through with my detention.

Oh, man, but you've been serving tap over three weeks as it is.

Yeah, doing hard labor.

Last week, Mr. Woodman made him mow the football field.

What's so hard about that?

It was during the game.

Look, Bo, we'll just hang out over here, and when you're done, we'll go to the

pizza parlor and celebrate. I wish you wouldn't do that.

Oh, come on, Bo, man. What are friends for, huh?

No, you are my best friends.

All the way.

You are my friends, aren't you?

Until the end, yeah.

That's good.

Because I just painted the bench.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made me come back again?

And what could ever lead ya?

What could ever lead ya? Back there where we need ya. Back there where we

ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot.