Original subtitles

How's it going, guys?

Hey, Juan. I got me an extra ticket here for the wrestling matches.

Which one of you guys is going to be lucky stiff to get to go with me, huh?

Thanks anyway, Juan. But me and Freddy here, we have a date with the Takeuchi

twins. We're going to go over to their house, man, and they're going to cook us

some Oriental soul food.

All right, Arnold. I guess that leaves me and you, huh, buddy?

Sorry.

But I have a very heavy diet.

Hey, what's with you guys spending time with chicks? When are you going to be

having some real fun at the wrestling matches, huh?

Come on, guys. I'm talking hammer locks over here.

I'm talking bear hugs.

I'm talking full Nelson.

Now, where else are you guys going to find that kind of excitement?

With the Takayoshi twins.

Hi. Hi, I'm Kelly Woodman, Mr. Woodman's niece. Oh, hi, Kelly. Gosh, it is so

nice of you to come babysit for me at the last minute.

Now, the girls are sound asleep.

Uh -huh. The girls are sound asleep, and Dr. Melman's phone number is on the

phone. Uh -huh. And we'll be at the high school if you need us. We're at the

faculty dinner dance. Okay.

Hi, Julie.

Hi.

Evening, Kelly.

What? How's college?

Pretty good, Uncle Michael. I've got a big midterm I'm studying for tonight.

Just like a woodman.

Nose to the grindstone, eye to the sheepskin.

Julie, are you sure Gabe won't mind me taking you to the faculty dance, seeing

as he's out of town?

Um, when I asked him if he minded, uh, he just laughed.

I wouldn't want him to be jealous.

Trust me.

In that case, here's a little something for you. Oh, what is it?

It's a cauliflower corsage.

I picked it up in the health food store on the way over. It was the only store

open.

Oh, very nice.

But it's so special that I don't want to wear it. You mean that?

Yes.

Kelly, would you do me a favor and put this in a vase with some melted butter?

Well, come on, Jolie. We can't be late. I've arranged for us to lead off in the

opening dance.

I'm putting on the top.

It's me, Mrs. Cotter, Epstein.

I want to know if Mr. Cotter wants to go to the fight with me tonight.

Sorry, Mr. Cotter's out of town right now.

I'm watching the twins.

Is there any message?

Yeah.

Tell him I'd like to meet his babysitter.

Yeah, I'll do that. Bye now.

Perhaps you're the kind of girl that likes a formal introduction. I'm in Mr.

class over at Buchanan.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Juan Epstein.

And you are?

Kind of busy right now. Good night!

I don't believe... I don't believe that somebody stole my car. It

wasn't parked outside no more than five minutes ago. Oh, no!

Yeah, yeah.

Mind if I come inside here and use your phone? Oh, sure, come on. Well, wait a

minute.

Yeah,

the phone's right there. Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, yeah, well, I guess it's just the day and age in which we live, you know?

It's getting sort of an attractive girl like yourself over here.

Can't even open up the door for a nice guy. I mean, I'm talking nice guy.

Unless he lies and says his car was stolen.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Tricky little devil, ain't I?

Look, Mrs. Cotter is not going to like this one bit. Now, you have got to go.

Ooh.

Ooh, when you point like that, it reminds me of this puppy we once had.

But then again, we had to get rid of it because it kept pointing us out to the

bill collectors.

Yeah, I got you, honey.

So what's your name?

Fido.

I like you, Fido.

Look, it's nothing personal, but I am responsible for this house, you know?

sure, sure. And I'm responsible for the babies. And so you have got to get out

of here.

What I meant was... What?

Well, I'm just going to have to ask you to leave.

Of course, maybe you could sit quietly and let me study.

I got a better idea.

Why don't I help you study?

Sort of like the blind leading the blonde, huh?

Okay, well, thanks. That would be great.

Know anything about abnormal psychology?

Come on, come on. Abnormal psychology is my life here.

All right, where do you want to start, Fido?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

The Phantom down on the canvas. Last ten seconds in a match, okay? But the

Klondike Killer has one trick hidden up his tank top.

The dreaded Half Nelson.

Wait a minute. What's a Half Nelson?

Come on, come on. Ain't you ever been to the fights before?

No.

Most of the college guys I date take me to foreign film festival.

Well, come on over here, fighter. I'll learn you some new tricks.

All right.

You're going to be the phantom. I'm going to be the Klondike killer, okay?

Mm -hmm.

You come over here. Now, what happens is the phantom slips his arm underneath

it. It leaves his neck just like that, okay? Like this? Right. Now, you try and

twist out of it. Go ahead. Okay. Now, what we have here is the dreaded...

The

dreaded half Nelson.

Do you want to try for a...

Full, Nelson?

Let's see who yells uncle first.

I'd win this round.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Mr. Woodman.

That stinks.

Mrs. Cotter.

Kelly. Juan.

Fido.

This is not at all what it looks like, Uncle Michael. Uncle Michael?

You're Fido's uncle? Stop calling her Fido!

I am sure...

logical explanation for all this somewhere.

Yeah, sure, sure. I was just showing Fido over here a couple wrestling holes.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Kelly. It was really nice to meet you, Kelly. No, no.

Yeah. I was just showing Kelly over here a couple wrestling holes, that's all.

Wrestling holes?

You animal.

You get out of here. I'll show you a wrestling hole in your throat.

but I got one thing I want to say before I go.

I love you, Fido.

Oh, Uncle Michael, how could you? Come on, wait!

Famous cat here.

Another field trip like that.

And the sword hogs could definitely become extinct.

All right, you weasels.

Where's Epstein?

Did you give him the note to report to my office the minute you got back?

Well, we left him the note just like you said, but apparently little Juan never

arrived.

Yeah, and he never came home last night neither.

I'm telling you, man, his mama called me up at 6 o 'clock this morning looking

for him. This is an outrage.

You're telling me, man. I didn't know there was a 6 o 'clock in the morning.

How you doing, guys?

Morning,

Mrs. Carter.

Top of the morning to you, Uncle Michael.

Don't Uncle Michael me, mister.

Juan, don't you think you owe us a little bit of an explanation?

Hey, what's to explain, Mrs. Carter? It was just love at first sight. Oh, I

think I'm going to be sick.

Juan, about your behavior.

Yeah, yeah, I'm real sorry about that, Mrs. Carter.

From now on, me and Kelly won't be doing no more wrestling holes in your

apartment. I should hope not. Me and Kelly got our own apartment.

What? That's right, me and Kelly, we're moving in together.

Huh?

Juan,

do you have any idea what you just said?

Yeah, I said I'm in love, Mrs. Carter.

Maybe if you weren't married, you'd understand.

Ron, you know, living with another person is not just playing house.

Maybe you and Kelly should just take some time and get to know one another.

Why don't you try being pen pals?

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Carter, but our minds are made up.

Come on, Ron, listen.

Now, look, you tie yourself down with one woman...

Before long, she's going to have you so well trained that we won't even know

you. Come on.

He's right, man.

Pretty soon, man, that chick's going to have you taking out the garbage, man,

washing your own underwear.

Even with a knife and fork.

Ah, forget it.

Look, I came in here with good news. I was stupid enough to think my friends

would be happy for me.

Thanks for nothing.

I just heard the news.

Well, hello, Emily. What news? That you are, as we say in the sociology

department, going to have a new toothbrush on your bathroom shelf.

And as we say in the psychology department, what's it to you?

Living with somebody is a big responsibility. It's not something you

lightly. Does he have a friend?

Yes, he does. Me.

Look, Emily, all I know is that he's different from any guy I've ever known.

And I really want to be with him.

What's he look like?

You see that cute guy standing over there?

That kid who looks like he's running away from home?

He looks exactly like that.

Only older.

Exactly like that.

Hi, honey.

Hey, how you doing there, sugar lips?

Emily, this is Juan.

Juan, this is my friend Emily.

Nice to meet you.

You're ethnic.

I'm a sociology major.

I love ethnics.

You're fat.

and Jew.

I love fat people.

You got yourself a real gem, Kelly.

If I were you, I'd switch my major to animal husbandry.

I like your friend, you know?

Real kick in the pants.

Ron, you insulted her.

I did?

Come on, in my neighborhood, that would have been the start of a beautiful

friendship.

Yes, but we're not in your neighborhood.

Yeah, I know. You can say that again.

This place is very bohemian, you know?

I've never been in a restaurant before that didn't smell like food.

Well, join us anyway.

Well, this is my favorite health food place.

Get used to it, because we're going to be eating here a lot. Sure, sure.

You folks ready to order?

Go ahead.

Uh, let's see. I'll have, uh...

Double cheeseburger with some chili on it and some raw onions. You're going to

have onions, aren't you?

And make it rare. I like it real bloody.

Hey, man, we're into purity here.

We don't serve meat.

Honey, all they serve here are vegetables.

I don't like vegetables.

Matter of fact, I hate vegetables.

They go in my mouth, they get all slimy on me, you know?

And then that's not bad, but what happens is then they go in the back of

tongue and they get stuck. I got a gag.

All right, okay.

Listen, can we just have a couple beers? Sure, that's great.

Sure. Does your friend here have any ID?

Hey, guy, it's cool. I'm legal. I'm over 18, all right?

Yo, it's a house rule. We got to check.

You calling me a liar?

Hey, man, now maintain.

It's a rule.

Yeah? Yeah, well, I got a rule. It says nobody calls me a liar and lives to tell

about it. Now, either you bring me that brew or I'm going to bust this place

wide open, huh?

All right, ease off.

I'll get your beers.

Did you have to create such a scene?

I'm sorry about that, Kelly. Look, I ain't really that hungry, and I brought

stuff over here, so why don't we go over to your place, have a moving -in party?

Oh, well, I'd love to, but I've got a class.

Just skip it.

Juan, I can't.

Listen, school is very important to me.

I've got a plan for my life, you know, and getting my degree is a big part of

it.

Can't you understand that?

Yeah, sure, sure, I understand that.

I got plans for my future, too.

I mean, like I never told anybody this, but I got a dream.

You see, when I was about six years old, there was this tenement house besides

ours. It was really run down and everything.

So one day the city comes in, tears it down. I mean, they flatten it out.

There's nothing left there but rubble and all.

So in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping, this fleet of dump trucks

comes in, clears out the whole lot. I wake up that morning, the lot is clean

a whistle, like magic or something.

Well, it was right then and there that old Juan Epstein knew what he wanted to

do with his life.

I want to really be a part of this city, Kelly.

Sort of like clearing away the old to make way for the new.

I want my own fleet of dump trucks.

Let me tell you something, Kelly.

There's slums in this city screaming, just begging to be torn down, and I'm

the guy to do it.

I mean, I really got a dream, Kelly.

I got a dream that someday people are going to pass by a vacant lot full of

nothing.

Say to themselves, Juan Epstein was here.

There's something I forgot over here at school.

The beer's on me.

Hey, little one, what are you doing here?

Well, uh...

There comes a time in a man's life when he just has to shoot baskets, you know?

Look, it ain't gonna work, guys. I mean, it just ain't gonna work.

Of course it ain't gonna work.

You gotta put it through the hoop.

I ain't talking about shooting baskets. I'm talking about me and Kelly.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, for one thing, Bo, she's smarter than me.

Oh, yeah. No, that's not right, little one.

What? She's smarter than I.

Look, do you still like her?

Yeah.

She likes you?

So she says.

So?

What's the problem?

Well, look, it just takes more than thinking you love somebody to be able to

move in with her.

I mean, there's other things too, you know.

Stuff like life and this life and plans for the future.

What you talking about?

Listen to this.

She only likes vegetables.

Yeah, you should be close enough.

I ain't talking about me. I'm talking she only eats vegetables. Can you

that?

What are you going to do now? I don't know, bro. I just don't know what I'm

going to do.

Oh, no, I don't believe this. She's over here.

She's the last person I want to see right now.

Hey, you guys, I just remembered.

We got something very important to do.

What? Leave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Juan.

You be cool, man. We'll check you later, all right? See you later, Juan. Good

luck.

Juan, I waited for you at the apartment.

What are you doing here playing ball?

It's where I belong, playing ball.

I'm playing house with you. What are you talking about?

Juan, what's the matter?

Look, Kelly, it ain't gonna work, okay? Me and you, it ain't gonna work.

I mean, uh, I could live with your vegetables, and I could learn to like

fat friend.

But you laughed at my dump trucks.

I mean, you should never laugh at a man's dreams.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, like you're in college, you know, I'm going to be lucky if I get out

high school.

You're going to be busy shrinking heads, and me, I'm going to be, uh... Look,

Kelly, don't you understand?

I'm just not ready to live with somebody.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I guess so.

But look, if you...

Go ahead. You go first. You talk first. No. You go ahead.

Look, maybe we could see each other again, huh?

Oh, yeah. I'd like that.

Because I want you to know something.

You are the nicest girl I ever almost moved in with.

I'm going to miss you, Fido.

Hey, y 'all, look.

I got the tickets, man. I got the tickets for the fight tonight, man. And

Juan appreciates us breaking our date to the Takeuchi twins just so we can take

them to these fights.

Hey, hey.

Hey, check this out, baby.

Tickets for fight tonight.

Ooh, I would if I could, but I got a date tonight.

Yeah, what you mean, jelly bean?

Little one.

How did you get a date so fast?

You guys ain't gonna believe this, but two knuckleheads went and stood up to

Tagayushi twins.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could find a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

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