Original subtitles

But I think what's important is he's got to study.

He's got to go home.

Hello,

everyone.

Before we come to the end of Parents' Night, I think I'd be remiss if I didn't

thank Mrs.

Epstein for bringing the chili pepper dip.

Mrs.

Lobato for the mocha java carrot cake.

I'd like to thank Mrs.

Delvecchio for bringing the Rolaids.

After seeing my report card, my father needed some Rolaids.

We'd like to thank you all for coming. We'll see you next month at Parents'

Night. Drive safely.

Take care.

Take your seats, please. Just a second, Charlie. Take your seats, please. What?

It's not over yet.

What do you mean it's not over yet? We have a tradition here at Buchanan.

What would Parents' Night be without the Buchanan School song?

Enjoyable. We all like to sing it, but we got to leave, right? You guys got to

leave. Please.

Where's your spirit, Carter?

And now, parents, would you join me in rendering our song, Oh, Buchanan, My

Buchanan, Fair Buchanan, Oh, Buchanan, My Fair.

with a song ringing in their ears.

I don't know about them, but my ears are still ringing.

Be careful, Carter. Don't start up with tradition.

What is with you in that terrible song?

What do you mean?

What do I mean? You used any excuse to sing it.

Assemblies, faculty meetings.

Yesterday, you sung it in the cafeteria when you fired the cook.

Well, why can't I sing it? I wrote it.

You wrote that? Old Buchanan, my Buchanan, his Buchanan, fair Buchanan.

Every word, every note.

It wasn't easy, Carter.

I composed that on a kazoo.

And I'll tell you something else. There'll be people singing that song 50

after you're dead.

I hope so, Mr. Woodley.

I hope they sing it at my funeral.

I hope they sing it anywhere where I don't have to listen to it.

Walls and walls covered with air.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Okay, I want you all to know I'm very happy with the turnout we had for

Night. You know, Esty, your father was really impressed with your term paper on

Whiskey Rebellion.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's his favorite subject.

Freddie, what did your parents think?

Freddie, what are you doing?

Yeah, come on, Mr. Cartier, you're cutting off my flow.

Let me see now.

I need something that's going to rhyme with Buchanan High.

Why? That's a good try.

Fly. Die.

Squirrel pie. Stye in your eye. Captain fly. Joanne lie. All right, all right.

Come on.

Let's pass this by.

Oh, okay.

Let's pass this by.

All right, all right, all right.

Get out.

I don't know what we're doing, but it's certainly not schoolwork.

Wait, wait, wait a minute, Mr. Cattell. This is schoolwork.

See, check it out, man. I'm doing my rendition of the school song, something

that we can dig on.

Yeah, yeah, something we can lay back with, not that funeral march of

Hey, Mr.

Cartier, the only thing musical about Mr. Woodman is that he's the same size

Paul Williams.

Hey, come on, Mr. Cartier, at least give my song a listen.

All right, let me hear it. All right, man, I got a cassette over here.

See, we've been working on this, me and Epstein and both.

We've been working this out, man. Check this out.

Yeah, that's the text.

We're having a...

was just trying to do his writing. Take five, Carter.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, don't it move you?

Yes, to tears.

Hey, no, it's great, Mr. Woodman. You see, Freddy put new lyrics to that old

song. He put some sauce on that old turkey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He made a foot stomper out of a tail jagger.

Do you care then, baby?

Do you care then?

Come on, come on. Here, here, here.

See, Mr.

Woodman, it's nice now. I mean, now you can hustle to the song or you can bump.

Or you can do the jerk to it. No offense.

Knock it off, you peeps.

I didn't write Oggy Cannon, my Buchanan, fair Buchanan, Oggy Cannon, my fair, to

be recorded by Gladys Knight and the Bee Gees.

He's getting better. He used to be Gladys Knight and the Sons of the

Hey, Mr. Woodman, I didn't know you wrote the school song.

And I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. It's just that I... I think we need a

new one, right?

Yeah, yeah. Your song was okay when they sang with megaphones.

Whoa -ho -dee -oh -do.

Woo!

Songs from that time don't need improvement.

You don't see anybody changing flatfoot flugie with a floy -floy.

Mr. Woodman, I didn't write those lyrics to put you down.

I didn't. I mean, I really felt them. You know, I just want to do something

the school.

Try graduating.

Mr. Woodman, I think you should give Freddy's lyrics a chance. I mean, it's

obvious the class likes them. I like it. I'm amazed at you, Carter. What are you

doing chucking all the traditions?

I mean, this high school only has two.

My school song is throwing the smallest freshman against the electric fence.

Hey, Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman, look. Won't you at least think about changing?

Well, maybe next year we'll, uh... Try throwing a sophomore.

Gabe, dinner's ready.

Shh. Just got the girls to sleep.

How'd you get them to sleep so fast?

Easier. Put on Return to Gilligan's Island.

What kind of salad dressing is it? Ranch -style Russian.

Ranch -style Russian?

Put on salad or barbecued yak.

I'll get it.

Listen, uh, why don't you use the salad dressing and unclog the drain?

Ranch style, Russian style. I'm coming!

Hey, look, Mr. Cartier, I'm going to give you a dinner hour. This is Kenway.

got something important to tell you. I don't want to interrupt you from eating.

You sit down. This is Kenway, man. Go ahead, eat. Go ahead. All right, all

right, all right.

What's so important?

Go ahead and eat your food. I don't want you to miss out eating.

What's so important, Freddy?

I need a lawyer.

What do you need a lawyer for, Freddy? Are you in some kind of trouble? Look,

Mr. Cartier, sit down. I don't want you to interrupt your meal, all right?

See, it's just that...

I got this contract right here, man.

J. Bubba Hampton wants to record my school song.

Who's Hampton J. Bubba?

Not Hampton J. Bubba. J.

Bubba Hampton.

Honey, you know who that is. J. Bubba, you know all his hits. Um, Hoppin' and

Jerkin' and Jumpin'. Um, Crocodile Mustard, Smokin' the Wrong End.

Hot Tub Saturday Night.

snake on each arm.

Oh, yeah, and I suppose he has a mongoose on his guitar.

Oh, no, man. He broke up with the mongoose six months ago.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're trying to say that this big recording

wants to record the old Buchanan, my Buchanan, your Buchanan?

Yeah, yeah, but except you don't want to go with that old prune juice title,

man. Check this out.

Got a new title.

Dig this.

There ain't no other like your groovy Alma mother.

Did you ever meet J. Bubba Hampton anyway?

You remember my uncle, my uncle Willie, the one that sold you that vacuum

cleaner? Yeah. Well, he got a car wash now, you know, and Bubba came in there

the other day, and we was waxing his purple packet.

Because you're also buff as snakes?

Yeah.

Now, what happened is that, man, when he came inside and whatnot, you know, I

just decided that, hey, I'll lay my song on him.

He heard it.

He flipped.

He said he wants to put my song on his next album.

That is freaky. I mean, that is really freaky, man.

Uh, listen, Miss Freak City.

There's one thing that you two are forgetting.

You cannot use Woodman's song.

It ain't his song. It's a copy of his mind.

No, Freddy.

The title and the lyrics are yours, but the music is still Woodman's. All you

did was change the tempo.

I know, but that's what makes it sound great.

That's what makes it a little thing called plagiarism. And before you sign

you better get Woodman's okay.

Oh, no, no, no, man. Forget about him, Mr. Coffey. He's too pig -headed, man.

He's not going to change one part of that song.

Honey, why don't you talk to Mr. Woodman? You know, he really likes you.

Remember you signed that petition with him to bring back the Johnny Man

You're really funny tonight, Julie.

You're going to laugh riot tonight.

Freddy, look, I'll talk to Woodman, but I can't promise anything, okay? All

right, Mr. Cathy, but what do you think my chances are?

As good as Dolly Parton drowning.

I don't care, Carter.

The answer's still no.

I'm not cheering my song with Washington.

There ain't no other but your groovy alma mater.

Mr. Woodman, just think of what it would do for Freddy emotionally.

What a lift it would give him. You want to give him a lift? Bust him to

Cleveland.

All right, listen, if you don't care about Freddie, think about yourself.

Think of all the money you could make from royalties.

Think about all the exploding cigars you could buy for your next lodge meeting.

Matter of fact, I didn't write my song for the top 40.

Tradition, that's where it's at.

My song's been number one in this school for 30 years.

Number one. The number one cause of dropouts.

Hey, Mr. Carter, check it out.

And here's Freddy.

Hi

there.

How's this for bread?

And get yourself a haircut.

And this time, don't go to a pet shop.

Hey, where'd you get that outfit?

What'd you do, mug Doc Severinsen?

Hey, yo, Mr. Cathy, here's that $20 that I borrowed from you from last semester,

plus a little interest.

Don't take it, Connor. It's hot.

Probably held up a gas station.

It happens to be an advance from J. Bubba Hampton for Freddie's song.

Oh, yeah, a very small advance, I might add. The rest is coming by way of

Brink's truck.

Hey, yo, Brother S. Sting. Yes, Brother Washington.

Yeah, man, take this and buy yourself a new shirt and use this one for a

doormat. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You're not taking my song to the

bank. That melody belongs to me.

You can keep your song, Jack.

Is my lyric to J. Bubba Hampton big?

You dig?

I suppose you're just going to have to put him to some other tune.

Won't it lay down like mine?

How could it? Yours has been laying down for over 30 years.

I think it rolled over and died.

See, man, with all this money, this cash money that I got here, I'm going to be

needing myself some tax shelters, you know? So I was thinking of maybe opening

up a combination three -minute car wash.

And mortuary.

For 98 cents, we push you and your car into East River.

Ah, you thieves are dreaming.

Aw, man.

You just don't know nothing about the record business.

How can you say that, Freddie?

Why, this man just bought a new crank for his phonograph.

J. Bubba Hampton says, man, that my record will sell five million copies

minimum.

I've been selfish.

If it's Motown Records you want, who am I to stand in your way? Well, Mr.

Whippet, what happened to tradition? Stay out of this, Kyle. This is between

and my lyricist.

Now, wait a minute. You mean you're willing to sacrifice your music?

Small price to pay for your happiness.

Spin, brother.

Right on, partner.

How much money since they took away his paid toilet concession?

Hey, y 'all, I gotta split, man. I gotta tell Jay Bubba that we got ourselves a

deal. All right.

Just one second. Aren't you forgetting that it's my Christmas club money we put

up for this scam? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Here you go. They've already penalized

for early withdrawal.

Made me get back my free Farrah Fawcett calendar.

Hey, y 'all, I gotta go, man. Yo, come on. Let's go. Okay. Can you loan me 20?

Get out of here.

All right, guys, here's something to nibble on.

Hey, what is this in the dip here?

Looks like shoelaces.

It's low -cal asparagus, Epstein.

Don't knock it. The price is right.

Yeah, we wanted Mr. Woodman to go over to Freddy's apartment, you know, to sign

the contracts.

He chickened out.

Yeah, he was afraid to go into Freddy's neighborhood.

So am I.

I only go there to sleep.

Well, why don't you just meet at Woodman's apartment?

That's real safe. He's got a guard dog.

Yeah, Woodman looks really cute in his choke chain.

I'll get it.

on your shirt.

Staying alive, huh? Could have fooled me.

Don't tease Mr. Woodman. It's a big night for him. I bet you're real excited

about meeting J. Bubba Hampton, huh?

I'm not impressed with celebrities.

I met a lot of biggies in my time.

I shared a cab one time with the Andrews sisters.

Even carried their luggage into Grand Central Station.

Nice kids.

Big tippers.

All right.

All right. Okay. That's got to be J. Bubba Hampton. All right. Let me get...

Relax, Mr. Woodman. He probably doesn't have any luggage.

All right, Brother J. All right, man. Happy you came by. Hey, J. Show me some

skin.

Yeah.

Hubba hubba.

I want you to meet the rest of my buddies, all right? Okay, we have an

type over here. Yes, good to meet you. Good to meet you. And that's Beau

Delabarre. And that's Mrs. Cotter.

Hi. And that's Mr. Cotter. He's my teacher.

Nice to meet you. Got your snakes in there?

Snakes are just my act. I don't see you carrying a blackboard.

I have it in my other sweater.

Yeah.

And this man, this is the man that makes the whole world sing. He writes that

kind of music.

He wrote the music for the song.

Mr. Woodman.

Hey, Freddie, drop the Mr. We're all going to be working together. Just call

Woody.

Mr. Hampton, why don't you sit down?

You know, my husband and I love your music, especially your last album. If

you're losing traction, you're losing action.

Thank you.

You really liked it.

Me? Oh.

Yeah, good stuff. Good cover was terrific. I like it with the snakes.

Nice skin tone on the snakes.

I have the contracts right here. All right.

Now, all you two have to do is just sign it. Oh, groovy.

Incidentally, my lawyer says in case they sue, all you have to do is just

it was unintentional. What sue? Sue? Sue who? The Urban Russell estate.

What are you talking about?

Who's Urban Russell? Come on, pal. He's the guy whose song you ripped off.

What do you mean, ripped off? I wrote Obie Cannon, My Buchanan, Fair Buchanan,

Obie Cannon, My Fair.

In 1948, what did he ever write?

Oh, Beloved, My Beloved, Fair Beloved, Oh, Beloved, My Fair, 1938.

Ball's in your court, Mr. Woodman.

But my song's completely original. I wrote every note myself.

Unfortunately, you put those notes in the same order he did.

Mr. Wood, you, plagiarist?

Worse than that, he's a crook.

I don't think Mr. Woodman had any idea.

That's why he stole that song, because he had no idea.

Relax. Now, this kind of thing has happened before.

Now, you just might get away with it. Yeah, you could use the Andrews sisters

for character witnesses.

I don't know, another man's song.

Come on, come on, Mr. Woodman, take a shot, huh?

They never sent a songwriter up to the big house.

Besides, you can always write prison tunes, you know, like Stripes and

Forever.

I can't do it, Freddy. It's not right.

I'm too classy a guy.

Hey, yo, look, Mr. Woodman.

Hey, look, man.

Hey, look, I know where you're coming from, all right?

And, um, I couldn't do that either, man.

Well, I guess that's it, then.

I guess I'll just have to find another song for the album.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

I have this wonderful little lullaby that I sing to the twins every night.

You'll just love it. It puts them right to sleep.

Oh, that's nice, but I make my money keeping my audience awake.

Maybe some other time.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Al.

I knew I should have pitched it as a boogie.

I'm sorry about the bread, Freddy.

Ah, man, Mr. Woodman.

The money was only part of it.

After all, I did...

I'm writing a song for the school.

Wait a minute, guys. I have an idea. Why don't you just have two school songs?

Oh, that's a good idea.

One Woodman can sing and one we can enjoy.

No, no, it'll never work.

But what if we had two school songs?

See, at formal school functions, we could sing Mr. Woodman's and we could

Freddy's at basketball games and pep rallies.

I have an idea.

We're all forgetting tradition.

You know, you...

You're right, Mr. Woodman, absolutely right. We're forgetting tradition.

But I'm going to have to be honest and tell everybody where your song came

Although, it's certainly more to life than tradition.

Hail to thee, capital thee.

We'd like to thank you all for coming to this month's Parents' Night, and drive

safely. We'll see you next month. Hold it, hold it, Carter.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, no, Mr. Woodman, can't we skip it?

Tradition, Carter.

Well, if we're going to be singing any song, we're going to be singing my song.

Check it out.

This ain't no formal affair.

Anytime guacamole is served, it's a formal affair.

Listen, Mr. Woodman, if you want to end the evening on a high note, Why not give

these people what they came to hear anyway, okay?

My Uncle Seymour.

My Uncle Seymour always wanted to be a great composer, so he was a little weird

anyway. So he thought he was going to dig up Schubert's grave to find the

unfinished symphony, right?

So he started to dig up Schubert's grave, and he

opened the coffin, and Schubert said, leave me alone, I'm

decomposing.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think I must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made me come back again?

Then what could ever lead you back here where we need to be?