Original subtitles

Hey, what's that new one?

I got a complaint about this pencil you sold me. It don't work.

What seems to be the problem?

Every time I write with it, it gets duller.

And then when I sharpen it, it gets shorter.

What we have here is a vicious cycle. Duller, shorter, duller, shorter. I

know what to do.

You know what they say around here? Anytime something keeps getting duller

shorter, they make it the principle.

Hyenas? You're all hyenas.

I heard that, Mr. Woodman.

You know, I admire a man who knows his zoology.

Thank you, Delibor.

Hey,

you guys sure have a lot of fun. You know, I've always wanted to kind of

Hey, I'll just study for that test. Oh, I couldn't wait. There was this good TV

program last night. My mother was on my phone. What?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome

back.

Mr. Cotter's away at a teacher's conference. Mr. Woodman's taking all his

appointments.

You have an appointment, don't you?

Oh, yes.

Mary Johnson.

Mary Johnson. I was here yesterday.

Gosh, Mary, I don't see your name down here.

There is a blank space at this time, though.

That's me.

Julie, I'm going to lunch. If I have to do my job and Cotter's, I must have a

decent meal.

Right now, I'll settle for a cafeteria.

You have another appointment.

I don't care. I have low blood sugar.

If I don't eat on time, I get grumpy.

Cancel the appointment and tell whoever it is to come back later.

Um, you're looking at her.

It's Mary Johnson.

Mary?

Ah, good to see you.

You want to step into my office?

If it's inconvenient, I can come back. No, no, no. Come right in.

Don't suppose you have a Twinkie on you?

a new student here, I don't think I've seen you before.

I'm the kind of person that's easy not to notice.

It's funny.

Sometimes, like, I'll be talking in class, you know, and it's like... Mr.

Whitman, there are three Mary Johnsons in the file, so I brought them all.

Nobody ever hears me.

Thanks, Julie. You're welcome.

Um, I'm just gonna be gone for 30 minutes or so now. I'm gonna go down to

cafeteria and, uh... You know... You mean you can actually eat lunch knowing

that I'm... up here on the verge of malnutrition?

Yes.

You see, if I don't eat on time, I get grumpy.

I thought Cotter was the flaky one in the family.

Well, this is quite an impressive record you have, Mary. Straight A average.

President of the pep squad. No, that's not me.

That's Mary Johnson, the cheerleader.

It's too bad.

Talk about impressive. It is Scholastic Swim Champ, captain of the girls'

softball team.

No, that's Mary Johnson the jock.

Well, of course, here you are, Mary Johnson.

This is really some...

Quite an impressive dental record you have.

That's me.

Mary Johnson, the regular brusher.

What can I do for you?

I want to be transferred to the Special Guidance Remedial Academics Group.

You want to be a sweat hog?

What is this, be kind to animals week?

Hey, man, Mr. Woodman, man, somebody got the gym all decorated for some pep

rally. Now, how am I supposed to practice for the game tonight?

Washington, can't you see I'm trying to have a conference with, uh... Mary

Johnson.

Mary Johnson?

Hey, listen, Tootsie.

You don't want to guard all the decorations hanging from the hoops. No,

would be Mary Johnson, the cheerleader.

I'm the Mary Johnson with the good teeth.

Look, Washington, call off the practice till after the rally.

Call it off?

But don't blame me in the game tonight if my old slam dunk ain't got no funk.

That is a typical sweat hog.

His idea of nature study is watching Metalog Lemon.

Herbert Hoover melted!

Now that's enough.

Herbert Hoover what?

It was horrible, Mr. Woodman. It was horrible.

It started with a little blue drip right around his vest, okay?

And then slowly it spread all over his three -piece suit. It was turning blue

and orange and green all the time, bubbling, bubbling, bubbling.

It wasn't a pretty sight.

What are you talking about?

I was showing this film on Herbert Hoover and Mr. Wilkes' class.

And the projector, the projector jammed up on me. What am I going to do?

Well, how do I know? Do I look like a projectionist?

No, but you look a little bit like Herbert Hoover.

Report it to maintenance.

And upstate.

Next time, knock.

Now, looking at your record, I don't see how I can possibly put you in with a

sweat hog. I mean, that's a remedial class, and you have a strong C average.

That's my problem.

I'm average.

I see you've talked to your counselor about this problem before.

You know, I think... you'll find most teenagers feel the same way.

See what I mean?

I can't even have a life crisis that isn't average.

Look, I'd like to help you, but if I transfer you to the Sweathogs, that

be like sending Albert Einstein to the Planet of the Apes.

You'd stick out like a sore thumb.

That's what I want.

Don't you see?

That's one place I could be special.

If my grades aren't bad enough, I'll fail a few tests.

Mr. Wood, I'm in dire need of a man with your power and influence.

Delabar, my boy, what can I do for you? As you know, I haven't been here very

long, and I still don't know my way around very well.

As a result, I made a wrong turn in gym class this morning and found myself in

the girls' locker room.

That's a natural mistake.

Well, when I saw all those girls, I was so ashamed.

started to leave.

But being new here, I couldn't find the door.

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, just fine, sir.

Except for the gym teacher. She's real upset about all this.

I was hoping maybe you could explain my presence to her and smooth her ruffled

feathers. Consider it done, my boy. I'll take care of everything. You just go on

back to gym class.

Thank you, sir.

You know...

I admire a man who can take charge of a potentially explosive situation and nip

it in the bud.

There goes a fine young man.

Mr. Woodman, hurry up. You've got to come with me. There's a food fight in

cafeteria. Well, that's nothing new. Get the coach to stop it.

He started it.

Come on, Mr. Woodman, we need a man of your stature.

You mean you need a strong authority figure?

I mean we need a low target.

I tell you, there's no justice.

I'm up here starving to death and down there half the school is wearing my

lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry, I have to leave. I'll be right back, uh, Ruth.

mary johnson

and cafeteria man. Come on, let's go check it out. Come on.

No.

I don't like the soup they're throwing today.

All right, all right. Which one of you guys did it?

I didn't do it, little one. I would never do a thing like that. I swear I

never do a thing like that.

Didn't do what?

That's a very good question.

Little one, what exactly was it that I did not do?

Well, I just took my projector down to maintenance because somebody stuck some

bubble gum in the sprockets.

I think you did it, Freddy.

I'm surprised you won't. How could you accuse me of something like that as long

as I'm in here? I would never, never do nothing like that. If I did anything

like that, may I be struck dead right there.

What was that?

Well, either it came from the building or they started throwing the meatloaf.

Look, look, I think it came from up there.

That girl on the ledge must have kicked it off, huh?

Wow, man, what's that chick doing up there?

A person could get killed from falling off a ledge like that.

You know something?

Well, I think that's what she's got in mind.

Come on, we'd better get some help and facts. Come on.

What do you mean there's a girl on a ledge? Doesn't she know that loitering

school property is in violation of a city ordinance? I don't think she's

planning on staying there that long, Mr. Woodman.

My God!

That girl was just in my office. That's Mary Johnson.

Now, look, Mary, I want you to stay very calm.

Maybe if you'll just come inside, we can talk over whatever's bothering you.

Just stay very calm. Get away from that window!

I told you to stay calm!

Is this some kind of a stunt to get me to make you a sweetheart?

Especially to you.

Hey, she's not kidding.

She's really gonna jump. I called the police. They're on their way. They said

keep her talking until they get here. We can't keep her talking. She won't let

us near the window. She won't listen to us.

Well, somebody's got to keep her talking.

Hi, Mary, honey.

Listen, I don't know what your problem is, but we all really want to help you

we can.

Get away from me.

I thought I could help.

You can't help, Julie. Go see if you can reach your parents and get them down

here.

Hi there.

This is just a big joke to you, isn't it?

Well, we'll see how hard you laugh when I jump.

Oh, okay, just take it easy, baby. Okay, I'm not laughing. It's no joke. It's

just that I don't know what to say to you, man. You got me all scared.

Well, that makes two of us.

Hey, look.

Come back inside.

You're not going to solve nothing by checking out on us like this.

Sure. That's easy for you to say.

Everybody knows Boom Boom.

Yeah,

that is true.

So? So?

Nobody knows me.

There are three Mary Johnsons in this school.

I'm the one that needs the nickname, not you.

Okay, all right.

Just come back inside.

I mean, if you've got the guts...

Come back into this window.

I'll give you one of my booms.

Get out of here!

Nice try, boom.

What are you going to do, upstairs?

Don't worry, don't worry. I saw this on an old Beretta rerun once.

Hey, kid.

I know where you're coming from.

I've been out... of the streets. I know what it's like when nobody cares.

But I swear to you, kid, I care.

Look, right now, right now, I'd like to wrap my arms around you and hold you so

nobody would ever bother you. Never.

Never.

And you can take that to the bank.

Look, kid, if you don't believe me, I'll jump.

Huh?

What do you think of that, huh?

Listen to me, sugar lips.

I'll jump first. I'll jump right in front of you. What do you say, huh?

Go ahead.

Uh,

I can't right now. I got a book report due sixth period.

That girl's crazy. She wanted me to jump.

Well, I for one was very moved, little one.

Thank you.

But I think it loses something without the cockatoo.

Hey, I heard that Mary Johnson's out on a ledge. Yeah. I know her. You let me

talk to her.

My dear Miss Johnson, if this has anything to do with our little

misunderstanding of the other night, I assure you that... Hey,

this ain't the cheerleader.

Johnson, the kind of girl you wouldn't take the time to notice.

Because you're so stuck up, you're afraid to date a girl that isn't as

you are.

Well, you talk big standing out there on a ledge.

Well, Missy, I dare you to step inside this room and say that to my face.

I'll say it anywhere you like.

Oh, no.

You think you're pretty smart.

Well, I'm staying right here.

Don't go away.

Well, it almost worked. Yeah, you did what you did. You did the best you

man. It's all right. Don't worry about it. It's all right.

How's it going?

Where are the police? Did you tell them about the girl on the ledge? Of course.

If she were double -parked, I'd have been here ten minutes ago.

She doesn't need the police.

She needs a friend. You know, man, you be careful out there. You don't hear

Arnold. Just speak it easy, all right? Arnold, be careful.

Come on, Arnold, be careful. You all right? You all right, huh? I'm okay.

Well, I've read that when somebody tries to take their own life, it's really a

cry for help.

So, uh, I'm here to help.

Oh, Arnold.

Why should you care what happens to me?

Mary, before...

You first have to care about yourself.

And if you don't mind my saying so, jumping off a ledge is not the

act of a person who is fond of herself.

You cannot come out here and talk to me like that.

It's a free ledge.

Well, I wish you'd go back inside.

I got enough problems as it is.

You know, Mary, it's a funny thing about problems, you know?

The next morning, your problems don't seem half as important.

Oh, Mary.

I would hate to think what would happen.

If there were no next morning.

Well, I wouldn't have any problems if I could just be popular.

Oh.

Oh, Mary, being popular ain't going to solve your problems.

You may not believe this, but there are times when even I, Arnold Horschak, do

not feel very popular.

Why, you don't see me out on a ledge.

Ordinarily.

Well, nobody likes me.

In fact, I don't even like me.

Do you like me?

Yeah.

Sure.

Then don't jump.

Do you like, uh, uh, Coney Island?

Sure. Then don't jump.

Do you like, uh, oh, the roller coaster they got, you know?

No, I'm afraid of heights.

But I love the bumper cars.

Oh, sure, the bumper cars.

Then don't jump.

Because if you do...

you're going to lose all the things you care about.

Not to mention all of us that care about you.

Oh, come on, Mary.

You said you liked me.

If you jump, I'll think you didn't mean it. And you know, I'm a very sensitive

kind of a guy.

don't take this the wrong way.

But I don't ever want to hang out with you again.

I'll tell you one thing, Julie. My body won't stand many more days like this.

You mean coping with students on ledges?

No, I mean missing my lunch.

Well, I am just glad that we got Arnold and Mary in safely.

Well, Mary, anyway.

You know, Mr. Woodman, despite all her problems, she's really a very bright

girl. I think with the right professional help, she's going to be

Well, when she comes back to school, I'm going to make it my business to see

that she's not ignored.

Every student deserves our full attention.

Well said, Mr. Woodman.

I'm very eloquent. went on an empty stomach.

Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out

Welcome back To that same old place that you laughed about

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we

him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

welcome back yeah we teased him a lot welcome back welcome back cause we got

on the spot welcome back welcome back yeah we teased him a lot cause we got

on the spot welcome back welcome back welcome back