Original subtitles

Excuse me, young man. Are you a student here?

You know, the best thing for a cough like that is to nuggle up to a hot

vaporizer. Of course, it'll take the crease out of your mustache.

Listen, this building's a school, and if you're a student, you should be inside.

Unless you're a bench warmer for a wino.

Well, I'm going to become a student, but I could be talked out of it.

Well, I'm going to be your vice principal.

My name is Mr. Cotter.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Cotter.

I'm Beau Delabarre. I'm from New Orleans.

Delabarre? Of course. I got your transcripts a week ago.

Where have you been?

You know, I love that voice, sir.

What a beautiful instrument.

Why, without even being told, I can hear I'm in the presence of the top dog, the

big kahuna himself.

Listen, my friend, I think you'd better get your big kahuna into school or

you're going to be in mucho trouble. You understand?

You take care of that nasty call.

Oh, little darlings, can I escort you into class?

Hey, I love that concert.

That act is never going to work in this school.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

because we got him on the spot welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome

back welcome back welcome back yeah we tease him a lot welcome

back welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome

Star is raw set for tomorrow night. Look at who's fighting in the main event

here. We got Grease Gun Gomez versus Al Three Toes Tortellini.

Tortellini eats barbed wire for lunch.

Come on. I can't stand blood.

You know, me neither.

I'd rather see lumps, bruises, and contusions.

Good. Then you go to the fights with him. Oh, George, why don't you do what I

do?

Keep your eyes closed and throw cushions at the referee.

I'm not going. I paid good American dollars.

The principal's office is right over there, Bo.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm new here and somewhat dependent upon the kindness of strangers.

Thank you for this, too.

555 -2161.

You just stay by your phone tonight, hit?

You'll remember my number, too, won't you, Bob? Well, darling, there are three

things Bo Della Bar never forgets.

Names, phone numbers, and how to hang up if your daddy answers.

Excuse me.

Hi, my name's Bo Della Bar from New Orleans. I'm new here.

I wonder if you might direct me to the nearest principal's office.

Well, hush, my puppy.

I'll tell you what you got to do, darling.

What you got to do is you go around Old Magnolia Bush, down Tobacco Road, then

up your plantation.

But us poor white trash, we just take the third door on the left.

And land safe now, child, land safe.

You make sure your mammy know where you...

I'm sure you gentlemen wouldn't mind if this young lady showed me the way.

Not if you wouldn't mind getting a boll weevil shoved up your nose.

Listen, fellas.

I'm not looking for any trouble.

I'm just looking for the principal's office.

Or anything else I might find along the way.

The South don't rules again.

Get off my back.

Southern dude's just a mouth.

Yeah, it's too bad his mouth is gonna be all over Doris' lips.

How would you like your lips all over your face?

I wouldn't like that at all. Well, I didn't think so. Well, you're very

Now, Gabe, don't forget that the chicken soup is on the stove, and please don't

walk around the apartment without your slippers and bathrobe, okay?

Don't forget to take your medicine either.

Bye -bye.

Julie, get your pad, please. This memo has to go out right away.

To all students taking driver education, unless the steering wheel and

transmission are returned...

Forever Ed classes will be terminated.

Exclamation point.

Hi, Mrs. Conner. Oh, hi, Doris.

This is Beau Delabarre?

No, Beau Delabarre. It should flow.

He's from New Orleans.

That's New Orleans.

That should flow, too. Just like Mississippi.

Doris, why don't you flow off to class?

Pretty little lady's right.

I think I can handle it from here. You can handle anything from anywhere at any

time.

My, I like what I'm smelling.

May I inquire what it is?

Why, yes, you may.

It's typing cleaner.

of office humor.

My daddy was so... Mr. Woodman, this is Beau DeLaBarre, a new student from New

Orleans.

DeLaBarre, where have you been?

Ooh, I love that voice, sir.

You were supposed to report here a week ago.

Without even being told, I can hear I'm in the presence of the head honcho.

You could tell that just from the voice?

Yes, indeed.

And your flair for fashion.

Thank you, Delabarre.

Polyester breathes so well.

Julie, let me have his transcript. I want to get Mr.

Delabarre situated.

After you, sir.

No, no, no, after you. Oh, I insist.

Thank you.

That's a nice kid.

expelled from seven schools?

It's not a record I'm proud of, Mr. Woodman.

It would be very easy for me to point a finger at the decadent conditions that

existed at that point in time.

Oh, I can imagine how you suffered.

I know none of this excuses my past behavior, but my daddy taught me there

three things a real man never does.

Cheated cards, light love, Or step on a pregnant alligator.

That's so true.

Unfortunately, your grades put you in the remedial guidance class.

That makes you a sweat hog.

Sweat hog?

Well, that sounds gross.

It is.

like Mr. Woodman.

It ain't supposed to be Mr. Woodman. It's supposed to be that southern fried

bony Bo Diddley.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I see it now.

It's almost perfect, little one.

Except for the eyes, the nose, and the hair.

Look for the Confederate label.

came with his pants yeah he's in gym class right now taking a shower

uh you left a zipper

Benjamin, sir.

Oh.

I used to have an uncle like that.

Only he used to work with a raincoat.

Mr. Epstein.

Mr. Delabarre.

I underestimated you.

Allow me to salute your kind.

Your dexterity.

And since you're holding that staple gun, your choice of weapons.

Will you just stay away from my women, Delabar?

Because the next time I staple up these clothes, you're gonna be in them.

I can't believe that little cotton pickaxe.

How many girls does he need?

I saw him in the library.

He returned one book and checked out two cheerleaders.

Excuse me, ladies.

Come on, come on.

You know, I'm new here. I wonder if I might pick your brain.

Well, uh, you can try, but you're picking at an empty field.

Come on, come on.

Yeah, sure, sure.

That little dental hygienist over there, she needs a date for tonight.

I'd ask you to fill in, but I'd hate to risk you falling behind on your

schoolwork. He's two years behind now. What's another night?

Hey, you could recommend me a little one.

No offense, Arnold, but this is a physical woman.

Her taste doesn't run toward the intellectual.

What do you say? Are you going to help me out?

Yeah, sure, sure. I'll do you a favor this time.

But you owe me one.

Come on, let's go over and check out the goods.

Oh, Freddy.

We never should have let little Juan go out with that dental technician.

Don't let that smile fool you.

She probably gave him a good flossing and sent him straight home.

Yeah, sure, sure. That's why I got another appointment with her for

Come on, guys. I'm talking about a sophisticated lady here.

Marlene Palumbo happens to be a graduate of Dr. Walheim's School of Oral

Hygiene.

That's a terrific school.

They advertise on every matchbook in the city.

That's right. And after I dumped Bo and his date, I took Molly into the fights.

Now, come on, Epstein, come on.

Let's get down to the real nitty -gritty.

What happened after you took her home?

What do you think happened?

She's a dental hygienist, isn't she?

I get it, I get it.

They drank beer out of a water pitcher.

I just want you to know I'm mighty sorry about last night.

It's just your own fault, Bo. You just picked the wrong girl, that's all.

Yeah, Juan got the swinger with the water pick.

That's right. She saw Juan through his cavity -prone years in one night.

I wish that hadn't happened.

Well, Bo, she just couldn't help herself, you know. You're just looking

here with animal magnitude.

That may be true, but it's not going to put you in good stead with her husband.

You didn't tell us that chick was married? Hey, don't blame Juan. He

know. I just found out myself.

She's got an old man?

Well, unfortunately, he's not that old.

Juan, I feel terrible about all this, and I'm going to do everything I can to

smuggle you out of the country.

Smuggle me out of the country?

Well, I presume that's how you got in.

Hey, guy, Juan Epstein don't run from nobody.

I mean, I've worked over more faces than a plastic surgeon.

That kind of courage may serve you well.

Because Marlene, Mrs. Palumbo, that is, lockens her husband to the Incredible

Hulk. The Incredible Hulk!

Ron, Ron, there's a phone call for you in the office. It's a Mrs.

Palumbo. Ron, she is hysterical.

Something about you.

And her husband.

And killing.

Santos Cavalt!

I just missed the part where you say your husband was going to tear off

arm and use it to break both his legs.

Oh, these are violent times.

Guys, since when has Juan started dating married women?

Well, since last night.

That southern dude really fixed Juan up.

With Mrs. Palumbo, the wife.

Enter Mr. Palumbo, the gorilla.

Exit Juan, the frightened. Soon to be Juan, the pulverized. Let's split.

See you at the funeral. See you later.

Bye now.

for three hours. You can come out now.

Any signs of Godzilla?

No. If you ask me, that dude ain't showing.

Look, Freddy, if I don't make it through this day, there's something here I want

you to have.

My last will and tenement.

You think he's gonna bump himself off?

How? Flush himself down the toilet?

I, Juan, Sanchez, Jose, Martinez, Guadalupe, Sandoval,

Ortega, Valdez, Jesus, Angel, Cadero, Duevos,

Epstein, the third.

I hereby leave to my good friend, Freddie Washington.

Priceless contents of the top shelf of my locker.

Two hubcaps from a police car.

To my dearest and best beloved friend Arnold Horshecker one.

I leave all of my excuse notes.

And also my mother's recipe for

matzo balls ranchero.

Hey, man, that's beautiful, brother. That's beautiful.

Hey, Juan, don't give up the hope, man. You got us to protect you. Don't worry.

Oh, yeah, Juan, don't worry.

You'll make it through the day, but just in case you don't, how come Freddy gets

more than me?

Sorry, Arnold.

I ran out of paper.

Mr. Scott, these supplies just came in for you.

Thought I'd bring them up just to lighten your load.

You shouldn't have bothered.

Just trying to be helpful.

Like you were with Juan?

I heard about the big favor you did him last night.

From your tone, I gather your response is less than enthusiastic.

You gather right.

You know, I think you knew that Mrs. Palumbo was married before you ever

Juan up with her.

You were just angry because he stapled your clothes to the wall.

Mrs. Carter, imagine how you'd feel with a whole school full of people staring

at your panties.

That's how you did things down in New Orleans.

Well, to correct your low opinion of me, Mrs. Carter, I'm going to let you in on

a little secret.

There is no Mrs. Palumbo.

Don't lie, Bo. I spoke to the woman on the phone myself.

Oh, you spoke to Marlene, all right.

I had Marlene make the call, but Marlene isn't married, which, of course, means

there is no Mr. Palumbo either.

But there is a terrified Juan Epstein hiding somewhere and missing all of his

classes. He can thank me for that later.

Beau, this may not mean anything to you, but Juan Epstein has a learning

problem, which means he cannot afford to miss any classes.

You really care about these swan hogs.

Wet hogs.

And yes, I do.

And so does my husband.

He has years of aggravation invested in them.

Well...

I was going to let Juan sweat it out the rest of the week.

But thanks to you, he'll be back in class first thing tomorrow.

But you are going to let him squirm for the rest of the day.

Yes, ma 'am.

See, I can't let these guys push me around.

But don't you worry now.

There are three things I'd never take away from any man.

His dignity, his honesty, or his puberty.

Do you just make those things up?

Yep.

rush is.

I'm always in a rush when there's a contract out of my face.

Excuse me.

Relax.

Come here.

Look, Marlene isn't married.

There is no Mr.

Palumbo. I made him up. You mean to tell me I spent four hours in the bathroom

for nothing?

Where do I find Juan Epstein?

To kill him.

He took out my girl last night.

See, Marlene don't know it, but we're practically engaged.

Now, where's Epstein?

You want to see Epstein?

Okay, big boy, I'm going to give you Epstein.

I'm Epstein.

Come over here. Why did you tell him you was me? I could have handled that guy.

There are three things I never run from.

A good fight, a good offer, or a bad woman.

Besides, I had it coming.

Well, let me tell you something, Bo.

There's three other things you shouldn't run from.

What?

I'm one.

I'm two.

I'm three.

Hey, you guys all right?

How

you

doing, everybody? Good morning.

Ah, back so soon, Mr. K.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr. D .L .B., but you can only make so much

soup out of one chicken.

Well, that's a lucky thing for all of us, because a man like you would be

missing something fierce.

Now, Mr. Woodman needs you by his side.

The two of you are like skilled navigators. I once had an uncle who was

navigator. Glad you brought it up.

My uncle Melzer.

Yes, sir, was a navigator. Now, one time, Bo, he was in Africa, and he saw

elephant lying on its side with a thorn in his foot. You know what happened, Bo?

He took that thorn out of the elephant's foot. Now, that elephant was so

grateful that he picked my uncle up in his trunk, and he took him back to his

hotel room and put him right in his room on the second floor.

Now, one year later, my uncle was in Pittsburgh in a circus.

Yes, sir, he was sitting there watching a circus. Elephant comes over, picks him

up, and throws him in the balcony and breaks both his legs.

You know why, Bo?

It was a different elephant.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need you?

Who'd have thought they'd need you? Back here where we need you. Back here where

we need you.

because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, we tease him a lot because we got him on

spot. Welcome back.