Original subtitles

Julie, come on, the girls are fine.

The movie starts in ten minutes.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle Bruce who was a dress salesman?

Well, one year he goes to this buyer, he shows him his merchandise, and the

buyer says, well, I'm not going to buy any of your dresses, but I wish there

a hundred like you.

Next year he goes back, same buyer, he looks at him, he says, well, I'm not

going to buy any of your dresses, but I wish there was a hundred like you.

My uncle says, how come every year I come here, you don't buy anything, and

say, You wish there was a hundred like me.

And the body says, because there's a thousand like you.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, you all right? You look a little depressed.

What's the matter? Weather got you down?

It's not the weather, Carter.

My life, dull, dreary, depressing.

Believe me, Carter, being alive is overrated.

Yeah, but try telling that to a dead person.

I never thought I'd wind up like this, a wart on the face of life.

Come on, Mr. Woman, you're being too hard on yourself.

I wouldn't call you a wart.

Maybe a cold sore.

It's a shame, Carter. I never followed my true calling.

I was going to be a fancy Park Avenue podiatrist.

Really? You want to be a foot doctor?

I loved feet, Carter.

Just couldn't stand socks.

Gee! I hope little Juan does okay at New Utrecht.

Oh, it's exchange programs, man. I mean, if we have to have an exchange program,

why it got to be with New Utrecht?

I mean, why can't it be someplace out of town?

Like Sweden.

Hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie, is it... Is it true what they say about Swedish girls?

What? You know!

That they, uh... That they make great meatballs.

Sucks.

Stood between me and happiness.

Okay, now open your books to page 34.

Now, we've read this chapter already, but it seems out of your exchange

students, the infamous Carvelli and Murray, great, I'm in week.

Oh, come on. What are you doing?

Come on. Mr.

Carter, how can we send one person over and they send us back two?

That's because it takes Murray and Carvelli both to add up to be one whole

person.

Well, how would you like to have part of your face subtracted?

How would you like to have your nose subdivided?

Yeah, Carter, I made up a list of numbers you may need. Police department,

team.

National Guard.

If all else fails, suicide hotline.

I'll be in the cafeteria stringing barbed wire.

Okay, okay, okay. I think we all know each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately. Yeah, unfortunately.

All right, why don't you guys take a seat? Yeah, okay.

I'll take this one.

Who's that?

Get up.

You can't have my chair.

This couldn't be your chair.

Because it doesn't have any training wheels.

You hear that?

Horseshack, Carvelli said it can't be your chair because it ain't got training

wheels.

Hey, Murray, how would you like to land in your potty seat?

Hey,

that's enough.

Carvelli, you sit down right over there. Murray, you sit down over here.

Hey, Carvelli, I have...

Homecoming queen was late for school yesterday because she had to be warmed.

Hey, man.

She was lucky.

She was lucky. The runner -up had to be put to sleep.

Hey,

Covelli. What is it? Why don't you sell me some of your homegrown potatoes?

Where am I going to get homegrown potatoes?

Why don't you look in your ear?

gonna be here for a week.

Now, this is a class. We're not a gang war, all right?

Now, let's straighten out.

No more insults. Mr. Carter?

Mr. Carter?

One more.

Did you hear me, Carvelli? I said no more. Come on, a little one. Sit down,

Carvelli.

Oh, I am sitting.

I sit very tall.

Just another little one.

Something to, like, aggravate... Hey, Carter, I got 20.

Says you break 200 by Friday.

Now, these test results were not great, but they were encouraging.

Mr. Carter, Mr. Carter, they're here.

The intergalactic visitors, they've landed. The York's lights have landed.

The York's lights have landed.

See, he saw it, too.

I think they must have landed on your head.

Put my man Covelli down.

He's having the closest encounter of the fourth time.

Hey, guys, last night I had a... close encounter.

It was with Dolores.

But I couldn't get past the first kind.

What are you talking about, girl fool?

I'm talking about an encounter with another planet. Hey, Murray, Murray,

you cool that I told you this is between me and the York's Lights?

What are you talking about?

York's Lights.

They landed on my roof last night.

Have you been sampling glue again, Carvelli?

Hey, what'd they do, man? They stop by to sell you some goggles?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I forgot I had these on. You see, they made me wear them for the trip last

night. You know, when you go through radiation, the isotopes get inverted,

you could get retina burnout.

Did you hear that?

Capelli said isotopes get burned. They hurt me. They hurt me. All right, all

right. Now, back here on Earth, we're about to discuss the test results, so

down. Oh!

I want to hear more about these Yorks lights. Yeah.

Are they all the same, or do they come in your choice of decorated colors?

Well, did you all hear horse shackle, didn't you? Do they come in different

colors?

All right, Carville, you got 30 seconds. Go.

All right. Okay, I'll try not to be too technical.

Okay, last night, I was sitting in my room.

a sudden, somebody turns on this giant magnet, and I'm sucked up into a

spaceship.

Now, now, come on, Covelli, now. How anybody gonna believe that some giant

magnet came and sucked somebody off into a ship? Hey, that's the first thing I

asked him when I got on board. It works on the fillings in your teeth.

Anyways, ten seconds later, I'm on the planet Yorksel.

There's more?

There's more. They're coming back for me. They're coming back on Zoyle.

Zoyle?

Did I say Zoyle?

Yeah, you said Zoyle. I said Zoyle.

It's all the language. It's all so new to me.

Zoyle, Hearn, Loish.

In English.

That's tomorrow night.

Marbelly, will you sit down before your Zoyle gets caught in your Hearn?

Don't you care? Don't you care that Yorksell is dying?

They're in desperate need of something.

And Earth is the only place they can get it.

Look, I'm telling you, I don't care what they need. If you don't shut up, I'm

going to take you to Woodman's office.

Belt.

The Yorks, like, need belts.

That's it. Let's go. Come on. No, no. For 400 years, they've been walking

with their pants around their ankles.

All right, let's go. Come on. Let's go.

I'm sorry. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked it.

Billy, don't tell Mr. Woodman that story.

He don't believe in life on this planet.

All right, all right, quiet.

Let's go.

Quiet! Come on, come on.

We still got some time left.

Bye.

Bye -bye.

Yo, Mr. Cartier, what happened with Mr. Woodman?

Well, I left as soon as Carvelli took out a banana and told Woodman it was a

York's Light wallet.

A banana?

That is so stupid.

A banana don't even have a place to hold pictures.

You know something, Mr. Cartier?

When Mr. Woodman gets through with him, Carvelli's going to need himself an ear

transplant.

Either that or he's going to have to get himself a hearing ear dog.

Hey, guys.

Hey, you know what? Maybe Woodman will give him a break because it's Be Kind to

Stupid People Week.

All right, all right. Come on. What are you doing? Don't you have a class to go

to? I am free this period. Go ahead. Next class. Okay, see you.

Bye -bye.

Hey, don't take any York's Light nickels.

York's Light.

Soil.

Herd.

Podiatrist.

Carvelli.

Ah, Mr. Woodman. Did you straighten out Carvelli?

It's amazing, Carter.

Truly amazing.

Wasn't that the wildest story you've ever heard in your life?

Yeah. The only thing I can't figure out is why the York's Lights picked

Carvelli.

Well, that's because...

I just sent them to me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have known about tomorrow

landing.

Mr. Woodman, you've got to be kidding me. You can't believe Carvelli's story.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous, you say.

Earthlings are so naive.

I believed in UFOs for years, Connor.

I mean, how else can you account for those unexplained phenomena?

The Bermuda Triangle.

The sex pistols.

Chuck Barrett.

You believe in UFOs? You, a man who thought electricity was a fad?

Go ahead, Carter, make jokes.

But here, look at this.

I clipped this out of the Midnight Star two years ago.

That's the only paper left in the country you can believe.

Louisiana couple sucked into spaceship by fillings in teeth.

See? Not just Covelli's story.

They're back.

I want to thank you again.

You sent me Carvelli.

You gave me hope to carry on.

You light up my life.

Hey, Mr. Cartier, I mean, you gots to do something.

I mean, Covelli's making the whole school look stupid.

Yeah, and I'm tired of looking like a fool.

I can get that at home.

You know what? I can't believe this, that Woodman is swallowing this whole

thing. Oh, yeah? You know what's even worse than that? You know what's even

worse than that?

He's letting Covelli use the schoolyard for the landing.

And that's crazy.

The schoolyard is a tow -away zone.

Mr. Woodman. Can't stay long, Connor. I've got a flight to catch. I'm off to

Yorksville.

Do you think six towels will be enough, Julie?

Why bring them, Mr. Woodman?

Steal them from the Yorksville Hilton.

Mr. Woodman, you show up there tomorrow night, they won't take you to

Yorksville. They'll take you to the state home.

It's okay. He's already packed.

Okay, okay.

What if this thing is true, all right? I saw this movie once where it was about

this planet that was run by a bunch of ugly monsters, okay?

And they had this earthling on it, like someone like yourself, and they

ate him.

Of course, you'd probably make him sick.

about it, Mr.

Woodman. You could end up on a York's Light menu.

Filet of old.

All right, all right, guys. Come on, come on.

Julie and I would like to speak to Mr. Woodman.

Well, Mr. Woodman, you know, good luck, you know?

And just remember, Earth may be losing a vice principal, but York's soul is

gaining a midget.

Okay, Mr. Woodman, now the guys are gone.

You don't really believe all this stuff, do you?

Why not?

I have nothing to lose other than more miserable years teaching savages.

And who knows?

On Yorksville, I might even be tall.

Mr. Woodman, look whose words you're taking for this.

Carvelli's. Look, the Yorks likes to trust them.

I trust them too, Carl.

Oh, uh, Julie, I want you to have these.

The keys to my car.

Mr. Woodman, I cannot take the keys. It sticks a little in third gear, but just

hit the clock.

Well, I guess that's about it. I, uh, I know you think I'm crazy, but, uh,

Carvelli told me how much they pay vice principals up there.

While you're slamming away for peanuts, I will be getting 5 ,000 Gretners a

week.

He's finally lost it.

I don't know, Julie.

5 ,000 Gretners.

That's a lot of schmoilentin.

forget to get your souvenirs.

Remember, the more you buy, the more the Yorks lights are going to like you.

Balloons, bumper sticks, your flip, your corkscrew. When you see Yorks,

don't bone or groan because we ain't alone.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, could all y 'all have your attention, please.

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration, in cooperation with

Enterprises is pleased to present an evening with Yorkshire.

But first, I'd like to introduce...

Mr. Woman. I got a question for you, though.

What's in the bag?

Linguine and white clam sauce, garlic bread, and a cow for Chablis. I didn't

know whether they'd serve dinners on the flight.

You have no silverware?

Don't need any.

In space, the food just floats into your mouth.

Yeah. Hey, Murphy.

It's about that time. Why don't you start the countdown?

One.

You're counting the wrong way, Murray.

That's why you're not coming with me.

All right, come on now. Here.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Well, that concludes the landing portion of this evening's show. Thank you very

much for your support, and may there always be a York's Light on your porch

light.

You know, it looks like to me, Covelli, that you're ripping these people off.

Oh, what's the matter? You guys upset because I made your whole school look

foolish? You ain't getting away with it, Covelli. That's right.

Yeah? All right, all right. Look, calm down.

Violence never solved anything.

Oh, we don't want to solve anything, Mr. Carter.

We just want to hurt him. Stop me. Oh, God.

Thank you, Mr. Carter. Everything's going to be all right. So, Carter.

they're here they must have been held up in traffic

Hey, look, it was just a joke.

There is no humor on Yorksville.

Only torture and dancing.

Look, look, I didn't hurt anybody or nothing. Here, look, you want the money?

Here, take the money. Here, whatever you need, look, just don't do nothing to

me, all right?

Come on, that's enough. Who is this chick?

Oh, this is my wife, Julie.

That's where you're wrong, honey.

I am from Yorksville.

And it is time for me to depart.

Take me with you.

Please.

Oh, all right.

You look like a nice enough little feller.

You're taking off?

Yeah, without a spaceship.

How did I do that?

My wife.

The Yorks light.

Daydreaming. Well, not on company time, Carter.

I thought you believed Carvelli's story and you and Julie went to York's Light

with him.

Well, I don't blame Julie for wanting to go.

You never take her anywhere.

You get it, Carter?

Oh, Carter.

By the way, the next time you dream, dream of a raise in pay.

It's the only time you're going to get one.

Brady, how you doing?

Hey, yo, what's happening, Mr. Cotter?

Come on, you coming in?

No, I'm going to catch up with you in a minute, all right?

Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Mr. Cotter. Hold up, hold up.

Hey, I have to tell you about my Aunt Mabel.

No, you never did.

I never, oh, man, that's the ugliest woman in the world that I ever saw.

How ugly is she?

Man, she's so ugly that my uncle bought her a rubber pillow.

Why did he buy her a rubber pillow?

Because he wanted to see if she could erase her face.

What a rebel.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we

him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

And I smile.