Original subtitles

An amazing story, my dear, was the story of my Uncle Julian.

Oh, why don't you tell me about Uncle Julian? Uncle Julian was raised by wild

dogs.

Oh, interesting.

Yes, and when he was 12 years old, he was brought to civilization, and he went

to school, he learned everything, he graduated from high school, took the

service test, and became a mailman.

You're kidding.

That's great. What happened to him? What happened? He got fired. He used to bite

himself on the leg when he was delivering the mail.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

I understand it.

Somewhere there's got to be a girl for me.

Oh, Arnold, come on. Of course there is, Arnold.

And someday, someday you're going to meet her.

I ever heard there's a rumor going around that Godzilla has a daughter.

Come on, Arnold.

Come on, champ. I'm only kidding around here.

Cheryl Kipnis ain't the only ass chick in Brooklyn.

Yeah, and this ain't the worst thing that ever happened either.

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie, you don't know what it's like to always get dumped by girls.

No.

But you do.

Hey, Arnold, Arnold, don't worry about it. Look on the brighter side. One day

you're going to be able to look back on all of this and burst into tears.

Yeah, look at Arnold. Maybe this Cheryl Kipnis, you know, she's just playing

hard to get.

Oh, little one, you don't understand.

A girl is not playing hard to get when she says, Arnold, if you was the last

on earth, I'd start dating trees.

Donald, girls like you.

Watch this.

Angie, come here.

Yeah? I'm going to prove this to you. I'm going to prove it to you.

How about showing Horshack a good time?

Are you kidding?

She's busy.

Laura, Laura, come here.

Yeah, Vinny?

How about taking Horshack out?

Sure. As long as I can bring a date along.

Face it, Vinny, I'm just a loser.

Last night I called...

a date.

They hung up on me.

Hey, it's after three.

You Pheebs are holding a seance.

See if you can contact your brains.

Hey, come on. Let it be, Mr. Woodman.

Arnold Horschak, he's got the blues. We're trying to cheer him up. Cheer him

That's insane. Every man has a right to misery, depression.

Arnold more than most.

Why don't you go find a volcano and check it out from the inside?

Mañana, guys.

What do you mean, mañana?

What are you talking about? We're going to be over your house watching TV

tonight. Why don't you stop by?

Yeah, and don't come empty -handed like you did last time.

That was tacky, very tacky.

Go stop by and get some Fig Newtons.

Fig Newtons, sure you don't want some milk to wash it down with, you know,

get stuck in your throat.

Well, what is the part that gets stuck in your throat, the fig or the newton?

Vinny, I think your figs got stuck to your newton a long time ago.

Look,

guys, I don't think there's going to be any TV watching.

I'm going to be busy every night this week.

Busy every night this week, so starting already.

I figured a man like you would get the itch sooner or later.

I don't have any itches, Mr. Woodman.

I'm teaching a class at NYU.

That's what he tells the old lady.

Tell me, I've caught her this class.

Does she have a sister?

Why does that Mr. Woodman have to be like that?

Mr. Carter would never cheat on the missus.

Yeah, who could he get?

Look, Mr. Carter, if you need somebody to stop by and check up on the wife and

kids, well, we'd be glad to.

You know something, Juan? Maybe that's not a bad idea. Why don't you guys check

in on Julie and the girls? Say no more, Mr. Carter.

We'll leave your woman alone for a minute.

That's not exactly what I meant.

Oh, it's okay, Mr. Carter.

Where else does a person like me have to go?

Yeah.

Hey, Mr. Todd, don't worry about nothing, huh? Just leave a phone number

we drop one of the twins or something.

Come on, Al. Come over and check out some television.

Oh, Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Look at that guy. Look at that guy with the big bazooka. He's going right after

the tank all by himself.

Ooh, man, he's got guts.

Ooh, he do got guts.

All over the place.

He looks like a waffle with a helmet on.

What are you doing here? Hey.

Juan, do you really expect the baby to sleep through machine gun fire and

attacks? Well, they do at my house.

And I don't even have a TV set.

Okay. Now, I don't want to be rude, but who invited you over?

Miss Catty, you ought to be grateful.

An hour ago, this place was a total wreck.

That's because an hour ago, you totally wrecked it.

butlers now, ain't it? But that's because you have trained Arnold to clean

after you.

You know, sometimes you guys really treat Arnold like a dog.

Are you kidding? I wouldn't treat my dog like that.

He might get dishpan paw.

It's all right, Mrs. Cotter. I don't mind, really.

Yeah. He's a little horse shack homemaker.

Ah, come on, let's go. There ain't nothing on TV anyway except some old

The Ear That Ate Nebraska.

Ooh, I didn't see that one yet.

Yes, you did, but you checked it out. Don't remember?

They got saved in the end by a giant Q -tip.

Well, bye.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Mrs. Carter.

Good night. Arnold, ain't you coming?

Oh.

I'll meet you. I want to finish this.

All right.

Arnold, you know, I really appreciate you staying and cleaning up.

You know, I want to do something nice for you. Mr. Cotter's going to be gone

every night this week. Why don't you come over one night and have dinner?

Thank you, Mrs. Cotter. You're very kind.

Okay. Get my mind off of other things.

Hey, you know, Mrs. Cotter, this detergent really is milder to your

Good night, Mrs. Carter.

Arnold, are you okay?

You seem troubled.

A man has to learn to hide his pain.

Arnold, you're a boy.

Oh.

In that case, I'm miserable.

Oh, come on, Arnold. Sit down. Let's talk about it, okay?

Cheryl Kipnis.

Yes. She'd rather date a birch tree.

She would rather date a birch tree.

Are we talking about a girl here or a woodchuck?

A girl.

Okay. You asked Cheryl out and she said no.

How'd you ask her out?

How? With my mouth. How else would I ask her out?

Okay, Arnold.

I want you to ask me out the same way you asked Cheryl out.

I want you to approach me the same way you approached

her. Come on.

Okay. Okay.

Cheryl,

I'd like to ask you something.

Okay.

Cheryl, would you like to...

You too, huh?

Arnold, how can you ask a girl out from another room?

Well, I just didn't want to be there when she said no.

Arnold, you have to be... You have to be direct. You've got to be assertive.

You've also... You've got to be romantic.

Romantic? Yeah.

Me?

Arnold, ooh -ooh, horse shack?

Yeah, you. Arnold, ooh -ooh, horse shack.

You know, Arnold, one day... A girl's going to open up that romantic part of

you.

And she's going to be a very lucky girl.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Carter.

You're very understanding.

You've got to take chances, Arnold.

I will.

If you want something, you've got to reach out and grab it. I will.

Is there something you want, Arnold? My hat.

Reach for it. Pretend it's Cheryl.

Cheryl? Cheryl.

Cheryl, could I...

Julie. Julie Horschak.

I don't believe it. It's true.

Arnold Horschak in love with me?

That's right. He says you're the first woman who ever turned him on.

That's right.

And we didn't even know Arnold had switches.

I know. It just don't make sense to do it.

I mean, how can anyone fall in love with a person who wears glasses?

Mr. Cotter managed.

Yeah, but he's into that mind stuff.

You know, boy, you should have checked Arnold out today at lunch, man. He was

going nuts, boy. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not.

She loves me. She loves me not.

That's the first time I've ever seen a guy pluck mashed potatoes.

And then he said, you touched him.

In a whole new way.

Yeah, you know, because most girls who are involved with Arnold, they touch him

with a ten -foot pole.

Yeah, so get this, okay?

Arnold Horschak thinks you're madly in love with him, too.

All I do is talk.

Yeah, but that's the farthest Arnold ever got with a girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, they usually just shake his hand and lead him over to a quiet

corner and just leave him there.

You have to go leading them on and treating them like a full -length

Hey, now, come on, Vinnie. Now, Miss Katya here is a happily married woman.

Oh, come on. How happily married could she be if she's fooling around with

Horschak?

I am not interested in Arnold Horschak.

Come on.

I mean, you did invite him over to dinner, didn't you?

That's right, because he helped me clean up.

Yeah, but then you held his hand, didn't you?

And then you put your arm around him, didn't you? And then you kissed him,

didn't you?

Yes, I kissed him!

See, I told you, now he won't wash his face for another year.

I kissed him because he was hurting. I would have done the same thing for

anybody I cared about that was hurting.

give you much time to get yourself fixed up to it.

And look, get yourself all pretty and everything because this is very

for him. He even brushed his teeth.

You know, Vinnie, you better stay away from squirrels because one day one of

them is going to mistake your brain for an acorn and bury it.

That's not very nice.

Now look, Mrs. Carter, I was just a young kid.

He ain't even got all of his pimples yet.

I mean, just go easy on him.

Ron, what kind of a woman do you think I am?

Do we really have to talk about that right now?

Bye.

All right, Mrs. Cathy, all right. Okay, now, we all know that you can handle

this, all right? Mm -hmm. All you have to do is explain to Arnold that he's

experienced a schoolboy crush.

And if that... And if that don't work, do the very next best thing.

Marry him.

Out. Check out.

This experience tonight has been a maxi -bummer.

Julie?

Honey, I'm leaving. Have a nice time.

You too.

Who did you say was coming over for dinner?

Arnold Horshack.

Oh.

Do you have enough handy wipes?

See you later, baby.

torture her any longer.

Here.

How original.

A clump of dirt.

Oh, wait. There's more. There's more. Oh, good.

I thought I'd let her breathe.

Arnold, I'm a mess. My hair's soaking wet. I just got out of the shower.

Oh, you've always been such a kidder.

Julie! Julie! Julie!

What is that exquisite aroma?

Frained carrots and succotash.

My favorite.

It's not for you. I haven't fed the babies yet.

Oh, you're always so thoughtful as usual.

Julie, about the children. I think they have a right to know about us.

Arnold, no.

Right again. Why drag them into this?

Is this woman ever wrong?

Arnold, come back to earth. Sit down. We've got to talk. It's real important.

I understand.

No, I'm afraid you don't.

Listen, Mrs. Carter, Julie, you feel guilty

about Mr.

Carter. You needn't dump him.

to be selfish.

You've got to grab all the gusto you can get.

Arnold, no one but Mr. Cotter is allowed to grab my gusto.

I get it. I get it. You are an old -fashioned girl.

You want to hear it in an old -fashioned way.

Julie, my beloved.

I do love you, but as a friend.

I knew that all the time.

Arnold, would you stop that ridiculous accent?

Now, I love you as a friend.

It's totally different.

But you said that if I wanted something, I should reach out and grab it.

But I didn't mean me.

Well, what did you mean?

I'm supposed to spend my whole life reaching out for hats?

You were the one that opened up this romantic part of me in the first place.

I know, and I'm flattered, Arnold.

See, now you're going to have the courage to go after girls your own age

stop getting crushes on older women.

You are an older woman, aren't you?

I'm not that old.

What's the difference? I'm just curious, you know.

I'm older than you, okay?

Yeah, but how much older?

What? It doesn't make any difference how much older, Arnold.

Gee, when I'm still in my prime, you're going to be a very old lady.

I'm not going to be that old.

Oh, yeah, old, old lady, sure.

I'm going to have to wheel you around.

I'm going to have to feed you.

Wipe the gruel off your chin.

Hey, hey, Mrs. Carter, I'm sorry, but that's not the kind of life for a

energetic young buck such as myself.

Sure didn't take you long to get over me, did it?

Oh, Mrs.

Carter, I...

Stop by to pick up your remains.

My remains?

Yeah. After Mrs. Carter broke your heart.

Mrs. Carter didn't break my heart.

She didn't? Well, she didn't break your liver.

Hey, listen, you guys. Mrs.

Carter and I have come to an understanding.

Sometimes these boys here can be a little dense.

Really? I never noticed that.

Listen, fellas, I simply explained to Mrs. Carter that an energetic young buck

such as myself cannot be slowed down by an old... by a middle

-aged lady.

How come you got that robe on?

Yeah, that's right.

Now, how are you going to explain that to Mr. Carter?

Listen, Arnold Horschak is acting with a clear conscience.

He is afraid of nothing.

Julie, I forgot some of my notes.

Julie, the wet look is out.

What's the matter with you, Arnold? Nothing happened. Nothing happened. I

nothing happened. I never touched you. I'm a good boy. Don't hurt me. I got

small bones. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. Goodbye.

I'm a good boy.

Relax, Mr. Carter.

Nothing really happened.

At least that's what he told us.

You really ought to buy your wife a new bathrobe.

I don't suppose I should ask you what went on here tonight.

Nah.

I didn't think so.

Why don't you tell me anyway?

Well, at first there was this girl who would rather date a birch tree, and then

he was rejected by a woodchuck.

Then he suddenly turned into either Charles Boyer or Cary Grant. I'm not

which one.

All right, all right, all right.

Save it. We'll have something to talk about tonight.

What is this?

Oh, Arnold brought that for dinner.

I don't know how many times I've told him. It's red wine with dirt.

My uncle William was a pharmacist, but he got fired.

He did?

Yeah, they fired him when he was typing out the directions on the labels. Why'd

they fire him for that?

Well, he kept trying to fit the bottles into the typewriter.

Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out Welcome

back

See that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. But we got him on the spot. Welcome back.