Original subtitles

My uncle, Balzac, was a mercenary. One time he was in the

country of Bosnia when he was caught for his mercenary deeds and he was put in

front of a firing squad.

What happened to Uncle Balzac, dear?

What happened? Well, the general came over and he's about to put the

He was the general of Bosnia. Came over, about to put the blindfold on.

Then what did the general of Bosnia say to your uncle?

He said, we're going to shoot you through the heart and through the

And my uncle said, you are a pig.

Your country is run by pigs.

You have pigs in your streets and pigs in your parliament, and there's pigs in

your pigs.

What did the general say to that?

He said, look, if you keep talking this way, you're going to be in big trouble.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

can tell me when the first transcontinental flight was?

I think it was 1911.

Right, 1911. Now, why was that flight significant?

The plane took off on time.

What else?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

It was the first time an airline's lost somebody's luggage.

Yes, and you know, in those days, they didn't have movies. The pilot just

around snapshots of his vacation.

Okay, I think it's important for you people to... Where, where, where, where,

where?

Look what we have here.

Only 15 minutes late.

What do you guys bother coming at all?

Well, that's what I told them, but they wouldn't listen to me.

Well, where are you?

Now, old man Crips, he kept us late after shop class again.

But here, I carved you a note.

Mr.

Potter, if they're late, I'm sure it's for a very good reason. That's right,

Crips. It ain't our fault. Mr. Crips was yelling so loud, we never heard the

bell. He was telling us the difference between us and human beings.

It took him a real long time.

You know, Crips is never like Sweathogs.

I remember when I went to school here, I used to try and keep my friend Bonzo

Moretti after school.

It wasn't easy. He had to put his head in the vice.

Okay, what happened today?

Everything was all right. No, everything was all right until Vinny started to

use that electric saw.

I used it to cut up the salami.

you do not use an electric saw to slice your salami. Oh, I didn't use it to

slice my salami. I used it to slice Mr. Crips' salami.

Oh, no!

Take it out, take it out. That wasn't so bad.

But Vinny, his judgment was a little bit off, and he couldn't tell where the

salami stopped.

And the desk started!

You sliced his desk?

Yeah, and sliced it.

It was delicious, right?

You know, Mr. Crips has a bad temper.

Why don't you guys leave him alone?

Oh, come on, Mr. Carter. Sometimes we just can't help it.

He's right, Mr. Carter. It's just so much fun to make him mad, you know? You

know what? You should check out the way that his lip can curl up and do

somersaults.

And then his eyes roll so far back into his head, he can see what he's thinking.

Vinny's the best, you know? Vinny, he gets him so mad that the veins start

bulging out in his neck, all different colors like a subway map.

Look, guys, come on, lay off the guy. He's going to retire next year. He can't

retire next year. I want him to quit.

This has to be yours.

Yeah, just put it anywhere.

Good morning, Mr. Cripps. That's your opinion.

What? There's this piece of junk!

It's a headboard for a waterbed.

I took the danger out of sleeping.

Connor, I want to see this moron in my office.

Right now!

Mr. Cripps, can I wait till after this class? No, it can't!

But you're right in the middle of my class.

No, Carter.

No!

Carter, I'm going to go. I don't want him to lose his temper.

You

know,

when Mr. Cripps retires, he's going to become the loudspeaker system at Yankee

Stadium.

Okay, what were you talking about? The first transcontinental flight.

Now. What contribution did the Wright brothers make?

Oh, I know all about that. You don't know anything about the Wright brothers.

Oh, yes, I do.

Do not. Do so. Do not. Do so. Do not. Watch this.

You lost that love.

a good vocal who'll listen to Crips screaming his lungs out at Barbarino.

The man's a prince.

Mr. Woodman, screaming does not a good teacher make.

You're right. You also need a whip and a chair.

What about barbed wire searchlights and guard dogs?

It's a good idea, Carter. I'll try to get it in the next school budget.

All right, come on. Let's get back to... I think Mr. Crips is dead.

What are you talking about?

I was out in the hall, and he was yelling at me, and then he grabbed his

and fell to the ground. He stopped breathing. I got scared. I called the

Well, what'd you say?

I don't know. I got scared. I left.

Well, let's go out and see what's... What happened? Did Mr. Cripps faint?

It was no faint, Mr. Cotter.

Mr. Cripps is dead.

What a rotten day to have a funeral.

I hate February funerals.

You mean they're good months for funerals?

No. June, July, all right.

August, of course, is too hot.

Incidentally, the best place to die is Fort Lauderdale.

Have you been getting brochures, Mr. Woodman?

Hi, guys.

Hi, how are you doing? How are you doing?

I'm okay.

I guess it was pretty rough, huh?

Well, look, I've got some nice hot soup all ready for you.

Oh, not me, honey. I couldn't eat a thing. You sure?

Me neither. No, thank you. And none for me.

I could eat a horse.

Mr. Woodman, don't take it so hard.

All right, I'll have some soup.

So, tell me all about it. Oh, no.

Uh, was it a nice funeral?

Let me try another one.

Do you have a good time?

No.

Try, was it a dignified service? Okay, was it a dignified service?

Yeah, it was, but it was kind of strange. The organist was playing if I

carpenter.

Oh, but the most beautiful part of the eulogy was when the minister said,

Buchanan may have lost a teacher, but heaven...

Has gained a handyman.

Hallelujah. Amen.

Where's Vinny? Wasn't he with you?

He wanted to walk home from the cemetery.

Said he needed time to think.

Oh, Vinny's taking it all very hard.

He even offered to marry the widow crypt.

But she said she's in mourning and to give her a call in a couple days.

Yeah, Vinnie even swiped the wreath to go on the grave.

I think he swiped the wrong one, though.

It said, good luck in your new location.

From all the gang at Nick's, boring grill.

Honey, don't you think you better have a talk with Vinnie?

I did. It took me a half hour to convince him not to wear a veil.

I know what's got into Vinnie. He seems to blame himself now for all the

problems of the world.

I'll get that. Maybe that's him.

Vinnie, come on in. We're worried about you.

He was worried about me?

I'm sorry he was worried about me. I'll leave now.

Where are you going?

Vinnie, come on in.

You still running out there, by the way?

Yes, Mr. Woodman, and I'm sorry.

You should be. It's your fault.

Mr. Woodman, you know, you was always right about me.

You know, I was never no good.

Well, Shaq, I'm sorry I broke your dump truck.

Vinny, that happened when we was three years old.

I know, I was born bad.

And, Epstein, I'm sorry about your father's hair.

What are you talking about? My father's bald.

I know, I'm sorry.

Vinny, Vinny, come on.

Come on, you gotta stop this now. Come on, you gotta pull yourself together.

You gotta stop apologizing.

You're right, I'm sorry.

Vinny, listen.

Look at me.

What happened to Mr. Cripps, it wasn't your fault.

It's no use, Mr. Carter. Don't try to talk me out of it. I know what I did.

I miss Mr.

Cripps. I miss him so much.

The way he used to have those nails that would hang out of his mouth.

And in the morning, he used to say, you're no good, Vinnie. You're nothing.

You're nothing.

He was the same.

The same Crips.

And the smell of that turpentine and that filthy smock. All right, that's

enough, Vinnie. That's enough.

Hey, look, you guys don't know nothing.

I murdered a man, and I'm responsible. I'm going to pay for it.

It's good soup, Joey.

Yeah, Mrs.

Finkel, I told you before. This here is homicide.

We can't arrest your superintendent.

How do you know he's a Cuban spy?

Lots of people play bongos.

Look, Mrs. Finkel, if I was you, I'd pay my rent.

Right. Goodbye.

Never fails.

Five minutes left on my shift and I get a screwball.

Yeah? What can I do for you?

I come to turn myself in.

Couldn't come back in five minutes, could you?

No, I gotta do it now because I killed the man.

Hey, Eddie.

Got it.

Eddie, look, you gotta put me away right away. Put me in solitude.

Give me a black... on my TV to where she got, right?

Give me bread and water and take my hairbrush away from me.

Come here, kid.

Sit down.

You want to tell me about it?

I got no time to talk to you, Eddie. Just rough me up.

Do whatever you want. I believe in police brutality.

What do you guys use now? You use rubber hoses or what?

No, Teflon is in this sheet.

It doesn't stick.

Look, let's get serious.

You have the right to remain silent.

Rights, rights. I don't got no rights. I don't deserve them. Let me finish.

If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you.

Good, thank you.

You're welcome.

Next, you have a phone call.

Tell him I ain't here.

All right, the crime occurred in the Buchanan High School hallway.

Buchanan High School hallway.

No, no, don't use hallway. Use corridor.

Corridor? No, no, don't use corridor. Use dark corridor.

Dark corridor. It sounds worse.

Can you give me the approximate time?

Time?

It's quarter to twelve.

Look, Eddie, this is my first murder. I didn't wear a watch.

All right.

Weapon?

My mouth.

Is your tongue loaded now?

How come it's so hard to get arrested these days?

When I was a kid, my Uncle Nunzio, he just was a pickpocket, and he used to be

able to get arrested like that.

Okay, kid, what was the victim's name?

Crips. First name?

Mr.

Goodbye, Mr. Crips.

We couldn't find him nowhere.

Yeah, Mr. Carter, we're getting real worried about Vinnie now. Yeah, man.

Yeah, so am I. I called his house.

His mother's out looking for him, too.

I spoke to his grandmother.

What'd she say?

I don't know. My Italian's a little rusty.

Oh, I hope Vinny don't become a monk.

They're going to shave his head and put his picture on a wine bottle.

Well, look, while you guys have been out wasting time, I've been out doing some

real work. Now, what we got to do is we got to forget where we think Vinny is.

We got to eliminate the places that he ain't.

Now, we can assume that he ain't going to be at the library.

And he ain't going to be at the ballet.

the art museum, or the symphony, which leads me to one conclusion. What?

We don't need this list.

Now, where is he?

Look, I think it would be a good idea if you guys try to find him in the places

that... Are you Mr.

Carter?

Yes, can I help you? Yeah, I'm Detective Lieutenant Lasky, homicide.

sausage in my sock because I have six items and I was in a seven -item line.

I don't care where you put the sausage. I'm here to investigate a possible

murder, possibly perpetrated by one Vincent Barbarino.

Hey, I know what you're talking about. Hey, and I guarantee you... Hold it!

it! Uh, look, officer, this has to be a mistake.

Who was murdered?

A Mr.

Cripps. Wait a minute, that's not how he makes it.

Look,

I can explain this whole thing. You see, Mr.

Cripps... Let me be the detective, okay?

Lionel, bring in the suspect.

Oh, no. Hey, Vinnie.

Oh,

Vinnie. What happened?

What'd they do to you, son?

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Take a piece of advice from an old and very good friend.

I'll turn myself in.

Vinnie, how could you do this to me?

How could you write on your own self?

Because I'm guilty, Juan. That's why.

Why make their job any easier?

Officer, if you'll give me a second, I can clear this up. You'll be a favorite

professor. Don't clear it up. Leave it muddy, okay?

I want to ask a few questions.

You. What?

What is your name?

Radio Washington, sir.

Officer, this is absolutely ridiculous. David, Professor.

Go ahead, Lincoln.

That's Washington, sir.

Well, you see, Mr. Cripps usually started class by yelling at Vinnie.

Then what?

Then he'd sandpaper his throat and yell at Vinnie again.

So what you're saying here is that Mr.

Cripps had a temper, right?

Yes, sir.

All right. Anybody else got anything to add?

I refuse to testify on the grounds you may incinerate me.

What did you guys do? Escape from a juvenile court? Get out of here.

clear out.

Let's go to the movies. Not you, Barbarino.

Hey,

Vinnie, one more piece of advice.

You're in trouble enough. Stay away from the warden's daughter.

Vinnie, chin up, man. I'll be waiting for you when you get out.

Now, look, I want you to get a job at the laundry this way. When you come out,

you learn to trade.

I don't deserve good friends like that.

Nobody does.

Hey, Benny.

If you see my uncle up there, tell him thanks for them license plates.

Get out!

Professor, you've been wanting to do my job for me ever since I walked in here.

I'm going to give you a chance.

Go ahead, talk.

You sure it's all right?

Go ahead.

Be my guest.

Mr. Leonard Cripps died four days ago of a heart attack.

You did?

Yeah, but it was my fault.

Vinnie, it wasn't your fault. It could have happened at any time.

Yeah, but I was the one who made him mad.

The world made him mad, Vinnie. It wasn't your fault. Yes, it is. Vinnie,

isn't. Yes, it is.

You just happened to be there.

No, I did it. You didn't do it. I did. No, you didn't. I did. Hold it!

I'm getting a whiplash here.

Vinnie, come over here.

Sit down a second.

Look, right after the funeral, Julie and I went over to visit Mrs. Cripps.

I know I saw that. I felt so bad about her.

She told me that Mr. Cripps had a heart condition.

His doctor told him to retire two years ago.

If anybody's responsible for Mr. Cripps' death, it's Mr. Cripps.

You know, just saying that to make me feel better?

Vinnie, he just wanted to teach. I think yelling at you guys was his greatest

pleasure in life.

Really?

Really? Really?

Oh, I don't believe this.

Now my mother can stop calling the Pope.

You know, it's a tall call, you know.

Hey, Barbarino, come here.

Another wasted day.

Look, do me a favor, will you?

If you ever do decide to kill somebody, do it in another precinct.

All right, 10 -4. Hey, guys, I'm a free man. I got my stigma removed.

Hey, uh, professor, let me ask you something. You really teach these guys?

I can't help it. I'm in it for the money.

Some jerk parked the blue sedan right behind my pocket. I can't get out.

You know what I did?

I kicked his fender. I gave it quite a dent.

It sounds like my vehicle.

Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you move it, stupid?

Mr.

Woodman, I'd like you to meet Police Lieutenant Lasky.

Nice car. How is it on gas?

Why don't we find out? Come on, take a ride with me down to the precinct.

Oh, it's just a small dent, officer. I can't kick very hard. I'm an old man.

Tell him, Carter.

He's old.

Mr. Woodman, we have a lot of old people down there on the road. There's one guy

by the name of Al. He's a lifer.

You'll love him. He'll teach you how to knit.

Oh, Mr. Whitman. You didn't take her to jail?

No, he just took the number of my insurance company.

Do you ever have any uncles in jail?

Are you asking me to tell you an uncle, Joe?

Well, anything would cheer me up after that.

Okay, I had an Uncle Willie who was in jail for 99 years.

99 years? 99 years. One day they throw another prisoner in jail.

My uncle says, how long you in for? Guy says, 98 years.

My uncle said, well, you take the bed near the door. You're getting out first.

You ought to do time for that joke.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always get to spot.