Original subtitles

You're welcome.

Oh, it's the woman.

They would say about my uncle Moreau, he was a biologist.

One time he crossed a tarantula and a horse.

Where'd he get it?

He doesn't know, but if it bites you, you can write it to the doctor.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who would have thought they'd lead you?

Who would have thought they'd lead you? Back here where we need you. Back here.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Hey, that's me.

That's me.

Come here.

What's taking him so long, huh?

Hey, look, you sure Covelli's going to show up? Sure, sure, I'm sure.

Yeah, well, I can't stand out in this cold much longer, you know. My afro's

liable to freeze and snap off.

Look, Covelli's rotten, but the man is reliable.

Hey, look, you sure Mr. Cartier don't know nothing about this? He don't know

nothing about this. Well, I just hope Covelli's bringing enough term papers

all of us guys to pass.

Yup, five bucks a piece. They're all guaranteed A's.

Top quality, huh? You bet, just the tops.

What's the matter with Freddy?

Does it have something to do with my deodorant?

What are you doing here?

I work here.

Well, I bet you'd like to be up in your classroom right now preparing for your

classes, huh? I mean, a teacher like you must prepare 15, 20 minutes just for

one class.

Look, I know I go into your class, you're one prepared teacher. Epstein,

going upstairs right now.

Are you coming?

No, no, I'm going to stay in here and break in a new pair of socks.

All right, well, come on. Claire starts in a couple of minutes. Yeah, yeah.

Well, well, well, Epstein.

The man who put the sweat into Sweathog.

Hear that, Epstein?

Covelli say you put the sweat in sweat hugs.

I heard him, Murray.

Look, you got the term papers?

Yeah, I got a more important question.

Have you got the money?

Yeah, I got 20 bucks.

I want four of them. Yeah, you sure?

Because for another five bucks, you can have your teacher pushed under a bus.

And for an extra ten...

I'll make it look like an accident.

That's cute, Murray. I like that.

All right, come on, come on, hurry up. I don't want nobody to see me here

talking. I feel disgusted what I'm doing. I feel sick inside.

Yeah, yeah, I heard that before, sure. All right, let's see.

Epstein, your category was social studies for $20.

That sounds like a game show, don't it?

Hear that, Epstein? Covelli wants to know if it sounds like a game show.

Sure. I'll take Paul in to block.

All right, all right. Come on, come on, Murray. Let's go here. Let's show Mr.

Epstein our impressive line of term papers.

All right, I think you're going to like this.

Oh, this is a beautiful one.

Do you mind if I smoke the real story of Joan of Arc?

It's a strong paper. A lot of vowels.

You'll like it.

You sure these papers was on the up and up?

Hey, hey, hey. Come on. These papers are guaranteed.

Or your money back.

Oh, that's what I like about you, Covelli. You stand behind what you

Hey, what's happening, monkey?

Hey,

I got them. I got them.

What are they on? What are they on? You got the dust.

on paper on Duff.

I hate Duff.

Besides, Duff killed my great -grandmother.

What? Duff killed your great -grandmother? Oh, no, Freddy. Tell me it

Okay, I'm gonna tell y 'all. I'm gonna tell you just how it happened. See, one

day, my great -granny was shaking her mop out a window, when all of a sudden,

this big, powerful gust of wind came in and sucked her and the mop straight up

and took them.

Cleo over to New Jersey.

You're lying.

Would you believe Pennsylvania?

Here, how do we got that settled here, Vinnie? You got the Great Irish Potato

Famine.

The Great Irish Potato Famine?

What's so good about the Great Irish Potato Famine?

I know what that was about. I know that one. That's when the whole country ran

out of potatoes.

The whole country ran out of potatoes?

Yeah.

Imagine all the butter and sour cream that was left over.

Well, speaking of sour cream, where's Arnold Horschak?

Oh, Arnold's already in there having his conference with Mr. Carter.

So, Arnold, have you decided what you're going to do your term paper on?

So, Mr.

Carter, how's the family?

Fine. Everybody's fine.

I think an interesting subject... The twins are getting big.

Yeah, they're growing every day. You know, Arnold, I'd like to see you do

something different. And ain't it amazing how fast Mrs. Carter got her

back?

Amazing.

You too.

Arnold, are you going to do a term paper on my family?

Don't go away, okay?

I'll be here.

Epstein, I don't want to be pushy, but would you mind telling me what I'm doing

my term paper on? Sure.

You got Joseph Stalin and the Purges.

Who were the Purges?

Uh, I think it was Joe's backup group.

Yeah, yeah, they had a big hit a while back called the Vulgar Boatmen.

The Vulgar Boatmen? Oh, I hate the Vulgar Boatmen.

Because on a Staten Island ferry, you see them all the time. They're dirty.

talk dirty. They spit on themselves.

Disgusting. I hate them.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Angie. What's happening?

Have you started your term paper yet? Yeah, I already finished mine. Look,

they're right here.

Oh, I was thinking about doing mine on Marilyn Monroe.

Why stop there? Why not do all those bleach blondes and call it Roots?

Listen, little one, I just don't feel right about this whole thing. I mean,

turning somebody else's time paper, that's not right. I'm sorry, but... Come

Anna Horshack. It's time you faced the facts of life.

Not those facts.

Now, look, it's better to cheat with Anna than fail with disgrace.

All right, now, I want you to get back in there.

And I want you to remember one thing for me.

Joseph Stalin.

You say it. Joseph Stalin. That's it. He got it. Joseph Stalin. Would you repeat

that for me? Who are you getting there?

Everything okay, Arnold? Joseph Stalin!

Was he in the bathroom with you and Epstein?

That's what I wanted to do. My term paper on Joseph Stalin.

How I admire Joseph Stalin.

Arnold, if you want to do a term paper on Stalin, that's fine.

Let's not admire the man.

He sent 25 million innocent men, women, and children to labor camps in Siberia.

What do you admire about that?

The trains.

He always got them there on time.

Go to the library, read a little bit about Joseph Stalin.

You find him in between Attila the Hun and Jack the Ripper.

Right you are, Mr. Carter.

And as they say in Siberia, boo!

Yeah.

Mr. Carter, are you ready to see me now?

I'm ready to see you now. Good, because I'm running late.

Mr. Carter, I just want to tell you how excited I am about this term paper.

It's all I can think about lately.

Really, Vinnie? Yeah. I'm happy to see you so involved.

Oh, yes. I'm really into it.

Well, what subject are you going to write about?

What?

What subject have you decided to do your term paper on?

Just give me a second. I'll think of it.

Does it have anything to do with history?

Yeah. The great French fry phantom.

French fry phantom. Yeah. I just heard the news. No potatoes.

I think it happened in England, the island. Some place where they speak

really funny.

As opposed to Brooklyn, where we speak it perfectly.

What are you talking about, French fried phantom?

The phantom, you know, when you can't get nothing to eat, you have a phantom.

Famine.

Famine. French fried famine?

Irish potato famine?

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

It's the same thing, I just said it a little different.

Of course, it's the same thing. French fried phantom, Irish potato famine.

Must have been really terrible, huh, Mr. Kai?

I'm imagining going to a place in the country, you could order a hamburger.

And get a side order of nothing.

I just reached out.

How are you doing, my spicy pumpkin?

I'm in a great mood today, Carter. Did you see that new Spanish teacher I

Oh, yeah, I just saw her in the hall. She's a little difficult to understand,

isn't she?

She talks a lot better when she takes the rose out of her mouth.

Whenever she speaks, I can almost hear the sound of castanets.

I think it's loose dentures.

What happened to the fire in your soul, Carter?

Don't mind me, Mr. Wilbur. My pilot light just went out.

Fire!

What's with him?

He is in love with a new Spanish teacher.

Really? Really? Does he speak Spanish?

Only two words.

Taco and bell.

What's that?

Oh, we're having a picnic.

A picnic? I thought we were going out to eat.

Oh, I thought this would be more fun.

Oh, yeah, that's sweet.

A picnic.

Did you bring the ants?

I tell you what.

I won't bring any ants if you won't bring any uncles.

Very funny.

Which tree should I spread the blanket under?

Well, not this one. There's too many pigeons up there.

How about the one over there by the bend in the chairs? Okay, honey.

How's the grading going?

Very strange.

Well, what's so strange about it?

Well, so far, every paper I've read has been terrific.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Julie, they are sweat hogs. Sweat hogs do not get A's.

Well, what about Vinnie?

I always say Vinny's for last. He always reads better when I'm a little tired.

I better grade Juan's while we eat.

Okay.

He's writing it on Franklin Roosevelt.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt by Juan Delano Epstein. Here, let me see it.

You know, it's really strange. When I was in high school, I did my term paper

Franklin Roosevelt.

I called him a mighty white knight that fights for what's right.

Really? So does Juan.

Mighty white knight who tried to do what was right.

This is it. This is the paper I handed in 11 years ago.

What happened, huh? These papers here were supposed to be guaranteed. What

happened? Mr. Cartier, he gave us our Fs. Yeah, five bucks for an F, Epstein.

could have done it for free and gotten one.

Well, look, I don't know what went wrong. I mean, he's a foolproof.

They never fail to get good grades before.

He knows.

Mr. Carter knows.

He knows. He knows!

Because if he knew, we know he knew. Because if he knew, he'd let us know.

That's easy for you to say.

Well, I don't care if he knows or not. All I know is that you better get our

money back.

All right, Jack, be cool, sly.

I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Oh, yeah?

We'll work a little harder.

Yeah, work overtime.

I've seen better days. I've seen worse.

How'd you do on your term paper? I got a B minus.

I should have bought mine from you.

Well, well, well.

You must be the new little sweat hoggis.

When you get tired of these guys, look me up, you know?

You hear that?

When you get tired of them, look us up.

I will in the yellow pages.

Under sleazeballs.

That's cute. She's real cute, you know, but she'd be cuter with a mouth full of

marbles.

You know, Covelli, you have to move up just to be the pits.

That's what you think, Epstein.

My man Covelli don't have to move up.

He's all...

find yourself, you're going to be very disappointed.

Hey, Covelli. What is it? I want you to take a look at this, because this here,

the bum term papers you sold us, they all got Fs. Take a look. What do you

This is impossible.

These papers always got good grades before.

I know what it is, Epstein. I'll tell you right now.

You are stupid.

So are your teachers.

And up!

Stick to what I say, and don't paraphrase, all right?

Hey, that's me.

Don't paraphrase.

Yeah, well, these papers, you know, they was guaranteed. So why don't you just

cough up our money? Oh, yeah? Or what?

Or you're going to be coughing up internal organs.

You think I'm going to cough organs? I don't think you know who you're speaking

to. Are you talking to me?

No, I'm talking to the bushes over there.

Well, you must be talking to me because there ain't nobody else here. Oh, yeah,

that's really funny. Hey, listen, I don't think you mean...

to stand on. Hey, hey, hey.

What's going on?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Hey, that's a nice coat.

Use another one?

I'll let you know.

You guys, uh, helping each other with your geometry homework?

Yeah, yeah, that's it, geometry.

Come on, we gotta go, we gotta go. Let's go, little, uh, obtuse, let's go get

hypotenuse.

Obtuse, hypotenuse.

Hey, Mr. Carter.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

No, go ahead, Juan.

How come these perfectly good term papers got Fs?

Well, I don't know what you're complaining about. They're perfectly

Besides, you didn't write them yourself.

In fact, I think you bought them.

You're accusing me, Juan Epstein, a perfectly good and upstanding citizen of

this here community of China.

I'm at a loss for words.

The paper you handed in was one I handed in 11 years ago.

It's a small world, isn't it?

Well, look, you ain't going to get it out of me who I got him from.

I mean, that would be ratting, right? And even though I'd be ratting on a

rotten fink, I just ain't going to tell you.

Well, you don't have to rat on anybody, Juan. I already know it was Carvelli.

Good. Want to know where he lives?

Don't have to tell me that, Juan. Honorable Father already know where he

Gee, Pop, you know everything.

Honorable father, very smart, number one son.

Buy Xerox at 42.

Sell it at 43.

How did you figure on Covelli, Pop?

Ah, good question, number one son.

Old Chinese proverb.

Man who try to pull wool over eyes wind up with sheep on face.

half a book went out to break my face. What's the story, Epstein?

Well, Carter blew the whistle on the phony paper scam the man knew all along.

Oh, I can't believe it. Yeah, he passed out a list of all the phony papers to

all the teachers in the district.

That dirty rat.

Every time one of them turns up, they get a big F.

Guy's the lowest.

I've never heard of anything so dirty or rotten or underhanded.

Could use a guy like that.

So what are you going to do with yourself now that the heat's on? I don't

I think maybe I'll, uh, steal a motorhome, and just sleep until the

you know?

Don't forget to back over yourself.

Epstein, I'm glad you're here. Come on.

All right.

Now, I have decided to give all you guys one more chance.

Now, count it. One.

One.

I want you to make sure you do your term papers yourselves this time.

All right, but Mr. Carter, can I still do the potato famine?

Oh, I don't think so, Benny.

Mr. Carter, do it different this time. I'll do it from the point of view of the

potato.

Make sure you go to the library this time, okay?

I mean, like, what for? Nobody ain't selling no term papers there, right?

Just kidding. Fooling. Well, I, for one, am very happy. be to vindicate

myself, Mr. Carter.

And I've even made up my own topic.

King Tut.

The story of a man all wrapped up in himself.

And, Mr. Carter, how come you're going to give us a second chance, huh? How

come? Yeah, how come, man? What made you change your mind on us? Well, I told

you guys that when I went to school here, I handed in that term paper.

Yeah.

But, uh,

I never said I wrote it.

He is kidding us, isn't he? Oh, he must be kidding. He would never do anything

like that. Oh, yes, he would, Arnold Horschak.

He wasn't kidding.

Kidding about what?

I thought you deserved another one. Okay. But this time I got to bring one

uncles. Okay. Which one?

My uncle Joe.

The drunk.

That's right. My uncle Joe the drunk. And one time he's in a bar. He's making

lot of noise. And this woman comes over and she says, sir, you are drunk and

you're making too much noise.

What did he say?

He said, my dear woman, you're ugly.

And she says, well, you are the drunkest man I've ever seen in my life.

And he says, but I'll.

Wake up tomorrow morning sober and you'll still be ugly.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot.

Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.