Original subtitles

Julie, you know, I have an amazing family. Yeah, I know.

My family reaches into every field, every endeavor, sports, education, show

business, science, everything.

In fact, do you know, Julie, my wife, my lover, do you know that I have an

uncle? His name is Herman, and my Uncle Herman is a sports mechanic.

A sports mechanic.

A sports mechanic.

He fixes basketball games.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome

back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Psychiatrist, you want to see me about something? What's up?

Not me, Freddy. Woodman wants to see you.

Well, why here in the classroom?

I don't know. He's been acting very strange today.

Real ethnic.

He asked me where he could buy some Afrosheen.

Yeah. You know, Mr. Woodman, man, he's really out of it. You know, he thinks

that Hank Aaron is a country singer.

Well, you're going to have to face him alone, Freddy. I've got to take the

to the doctor.

They're six months old.

You know the warranty's going to run out pretty soon?

Good luck. See you tomorrow.

Okay. I'll check you out, man. You be cool.

Hey, blood.

You talking to me?

Right on, bro.

Bro.

Skin, man.

Skin.

You got it, baby.

Now that that square's out of room.

Maybe we can get down to it.

You know where I'm coming from?

Yeah, but I don't know where you're going.

Have a squat, baby.

Have a squat, baby.

You've had some experience working the radio station, haven't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I worked part -time for Wally the Wild.

You still got your chops?

It's groovy.

Because I want you to start a radio station here at Buchanan.

Me? Seriously?

Oh, that's cool.

It's for us.

You see, the Board of Education, they want young people to get into

broadcasting, so they're willing to put up the money to any school that'll start

a station.

Hey, what do you say?

You can be Boss Chuck in your own radio station.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it, I like it, but wait, wait a minute.

Why is this radio station so important to you, Mr. Whitman? Why?

Because they're offering a trophy for the station with the highest ratings.

You know something, Freddy?

We've never had a trophy.

You mean we ain't ever won anything?

All I've got is a picture from Clean Skin Week.

Of me shaking hands with Peter the Pimple.

And you're going to win it for me.

Take off your shoes, expose your feet, and get on down to the funky beat.

This is WGIM.

That was a new group.

Alonzo Messam and the Looters with their latest single, You're So Vain You

Probably Think This Riot's About You.

That's right. You're listening to WGIM.

Coming to you from our brand new studio at James Buchanan High School.

And now it's time for our special feature, Juan Epstein, our consumer

Juan Epstein here, your consumer reporter and comparative shopper.

It's my job to make sure your shopping dollar goes fast.

So you just send them in to me, and I'll take care of it for you.

Now, today's report is on erasures.

We all make mistakes, don't we?

look for in a good erasure?

Well, first of all, you want one that's going to last a long time and erasures

real, real good, you know, without putting any holes in the paper or else

going to have a bigger mistake than the one you started with, right?

And you want an eraser that when you're erasing, there's not little tiny little

pieces of itself, you know, all over the paper. And then what happens is you got

to take all your time blowing them off the paper like this. Watch.

Who knows?

He might accidentally breathe some of this stuff in. You can wind up erasing

along or something, huh?

Now, you think about that.

Washington, I want to talk to you.

You're on the air, Mr. Woodman. Go ahead. Come on, what's the problem?

Washington. What?

No one's listening to WGIM.

Look at these ratings. Numbers never lie.

Oh, look, I'm still holding my time slot.

Keep reading.

Okay, look.

So we got Juan Epstein, our consumer reporter. He's doing very well. It's a

informative show.

And we got Arnold Horschak in the 4 o 'clock news, which takes us right down

drain.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, I'm real sorry I'm late. Hi, Freddie. Hey, Arnold.

Excuse me.

Well, that's about it for your issues.

Tomorrow's consumer report is on where to buy gym socks new and used.

So until then... This is Juan Epstein saying, don't touch that dial. I know

where most of you live.

Take me away, Arnold.

Why, thank you, little Juan.

You sure look groovy today.

You little scamp.

Hello, everybody.

This is Arnold Horschak.

It's, uh, uh, four... and it's time for the four o 'clock news.

Well, uh, speaking of news, I got some good news and I got some bad news.

The good news is I have no bad news.

The bad news is I have no news at all.

He's questioning us the whole night.

Well, could we move into another town?

Good. Let's try the Ice Age.

Square. We were expecting a very special human interest report from our roving

reporter, Vincent Scoop Barbarino, who has been conducting women in the street

interviews since last Tuesday.

Unfortunately, we haven't heard from him since last Tuesday.

Vinnie, if you can hear my voice, call when you catch your breath.

He's the worst.

Yeah, but you gotta listen to that voice, man. He could be, like, another

crowd or another Harry Reasoner.

Well, he does remind me of a famous radio star, Tokyo Rose.

So, for those of you trying to make your sock budget

stretch, here's a helpful handy hint.

Used socks.

Yeah. Listen to that again. Used socks.

They're real easy to come by.

All you got to do is check out those supposedly empty dryers at the

Remember, what you put on your feet is your business.

You done, Porchak, yet?

Why I got to be the one to do it, Mr. Woodman?

Well, I would do it, Washington, but I don't want to deprive you of a chance of

learning one of life's greatest lessons.

Have a step on a friend.

All right, all right, I'll do it, all right? I'll do it.

But only because I let Arnold down a lot easier than you would.

Hi, everybody. Look, I'm real sorry I'm late. Arnold, I got to talk to you, my

man. Hey, Freddie, could you wait for later? I got to get my notes organized

I'm almost done. Relax, horse shack.

You've got more time than you think.

Come on, Arnold.

Sit down, Arnold. I got to talk to you. Come on.

You okay?

Yeah, sure.

How's your day been? What's up, Freddie?

Well, how you feeling?

Are you fucking kidding me? How long have we been friends?

Oh, come on, Freddie. You know that. We've known each other since the fifth

grade. We got to know each other real good because we was both in there for

and a half years.

Yeah.

We've been through a lot together, right?

We're good friends, right? We're the best friends. I got some heavy stuff to

tell you right now, so I hope you can deal with this. You can deal with it?

can deal with it, Freddie. Sure.

You see, like, you know, I got to take you off the radio show because your

ratings, they're lousy.

Yeah, I tried talking Mr. Woodman out of it, but he wouldn't listen to me. I

mean, he says you're bringing the whole show down.

Cancel?

Because of lousy ratings.

I feel like Betty White.

Hey, listen, I don't know.

There's nothing I can do about it. I really tried talking to him. I really

man. Hey, listen, Freddie, it's not your fault.

Don't feel bad, really.

You're the one who gave me my start.

It was great while it lasted.

Yeah.

Hey, Freddie, could I ask you one last favor?

Sure, anything you want. Go ahead, shoot. Go ahead.

Could I go on one last time?

Just to say goodbye?

Sure, my man. You got it. Thank you, Freddy. You're going after Epstein. Come

on. You're all right.

And that's the way of the world.

So stay tuned for tomorrow's, which my special report is, hair in the

It's 425, and here's Arnold Horschak with the 4 o 'clock news.

Thank you, little one.

Hello,

everybody.

This is Arnold Horschak.

Today...

I have a very important announcement.

This is my last broadcast.

I am being canceled because of bad ratings.

Of course, I'm not really surprised.

This is just another example of the win -at -any -cost attitude of our school

system. Win a basketball, win a baseball, win the ratings.

We're so busy winning, we're forgetting what we're losing.

Our integrity, that's what.

Somebody must have spiked Arnold's Twinkies.

Come on, come on, let's just pull the plug on him. No, no. If this is the way

Arnold wants to go off, let him.

Look, I'm just a little guy, and I'm not saying I got all the answers.

But we got to start somewhere.

So I want everybody who can hear my voice right now, To get up,

go over to their windows, and I want

you to yell.

Rorschach's a liar, scandal monger, a madman.

So you're going to take the madman off the air?

Are you kidding?

He's a hit.

I'm expanding his show and cutting yours down.

Hey, wait.

Hey, my listeners, man, they're going to be upset.

He'll get over it.

It's quiet. It's time.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, here he is, that mad

broadcaster of Buchanan himself.

Maybe Johnny's dumb.

Johnny cannot read because there are not enough books.

There are not enough good teachers.

Because there is not enough money.

The kids go, I love them, I love them.

And why isn't there enough money?

Because the school board...

Where do they live?

How do they live?

With whom and with what do they live?

Shocking?

Well, I should say.

If a vice principal were a nice principal, he would not be...

I think we're all a little ticked off at how Arnold's handling this.

Well, speaking as a consumer affairs person, I think you're using the wrong

of peanut butter.

Why? We are talking about Arnold's problem.

And, Mr.

Consumer Reporter, I don't see that 69 cents is throwing our money away.

It is when you combine Mr. Cheap's for 27 cents a jar.

27 cents a jar? How do they do that?

He leaves the peanuts in the shells.

Freddy, there's nothing I can do. Woodman is not going to take Arnold off

air. He's got the biggest rating for a high school radio show since Name That

Street Gang.

I remember that show.

I can name that gang in two victims.

Yeah, well, it ain't fair, right?

You know what I think, Mr. Cocktail?

I don't think Arnold knows what he's talking about.

Now, in class, that's okay.

I mean, in your class, nobody knows what he's talking about.

Thanks a lot, Ray.

They called them school, but no one learned. That must be Arnold.

What's he doing here?

I asked him to come here. Listen, guys, give me a few minutes alone with him. I

got an idea, okay?

Yeah, okay.

But believe me, one of your stories ain't gonna help him this time.

Why can't Johnny read?

Why can't Arnold shut up?

Hey, Arnold, I got a consumer tip for you.

plumber. Your mouth is backing up.

They look familiar, but maybe not. I know so many people.

Honey, why don't you see how the girls are doing? I'd like to talk to the mad

broadcaster here.

That's a good idea, honey. When the girls are ready for kindergarten, will

kindergarten be ready for them?

He's all yours.

Fine.

Good. Everything all together? Your mind, your body all functioning as one

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, I'm happy to hear that.

You know, Arnold, I've been a teacher now for about three years.

Why don't you sit down? Oh, thank you very much.

Some folks say I can teach anybody almost anything.

Well, this afternoon I'm going to try and teach you something.

You ready?

Go ahead, go ahead.

This week you came out against pay raises for vice principals and you got

ratings, right?

Right, right.

So this week you came out against pay raises for teachers, yes?

Yes.

Arnold, you think it's easy for teachers?

I'm a teacher.

I have a wife and two children to support.

I got to buy two sets of clothes.

What am I going to tell the girls if I can't do that? That they're one person

with a lot of arms and legs?

Well, maybe you could tell... Quiet!

you know who makes more than a teacher?

Everybody.

The girls that work at the photo mat, they make more than a teacher.

I didn't realize that.

Well, you know what now? And you, Arnold, are not just a sweat hog, and I

just a teacher.

We are the classrooms of the world.

Let me make it simple.

You can have as much flair and as much pizzazz as you want to, but you've got

be honest.

You can't build a career based on half -truths, because if you do, your fame

your popularity are just a facade based on a lie.

I guess you're right, Mr. Carter.

Of course I'm right, and you're lucky. At least I didn't tell you any stories.

In the days that followed, Arnold Horschak reported the complete story.

But with the end of his bombastic tirades, also came the end of his high

ratings. This has been Arnold Horschak with the 4 o 'clock news.

We're fed up with you, Arnold, and we're not going to listen anymore.

And she's the president of my fan club.

Hey, I'm sorry I was going this way for you, my man.

Yeah, you know.

Before, I was unfair, but flashy.

Now I'm fair and a flop.

Well, at least you don't resent me anymore, Freddy.

Oh, I never resented you.

I just wanted to stuff you in your lunchbox.

I guess I'm just a flash in the pan.

You're the one who really belongs behind this mic.

Hey, thanks, Arnold.

It's okay.

More lousy writings.

You know, you got beat by Jefferson High's special, the armadillo, nature's

little tank.

It's exciting, huh?

Pull your doors off, Horschak. We'll never win that trophy.

Look, Mr. Whitman, I think I... It won't do you any good, Horschak, because I've

got you now.

Miss Fishbeck tells me that you have not been doing your English homework since

you started this radio stuff.

And now you're staying after school with me till you catch up in English.

This has been the story of Arnold Horschak.

The first person in history to be kept after school for bad ratings.

Oh, Mr. Woodman, did I tell you my Uncle Simon died?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Carter.

Oh, that's all right. It happened 12 years ago.

12 years ago?

Yeah, well, anyway, there's an interesting story. You see, my Aunt

didn't have much money, so she asked my father if he could pay for the funeral.

And he was happy to.

Only he kept getting these bills for $15 a month.

He called her up. He said, look, I was happy to pay for the funeral, but what's

all these bills for $15 a month?

My Aunt Rose said, well, I had to bury him in a rented tuxedo.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya.

We teased him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We all went to the spot of friends.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how it must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made me come back again?

And what could ever lead ya? What could ever lead ya? Back here where we need

ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we teased him a lot, cause we got him on

the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back.