Original subtitles

My uncle Thomas.

Your uncle Thomas.

My uncle Thomas is walking down the street one day, and he sees a man lying

the sidewalk with his ear to the ground like this.

And?

My uncle Thomas says, what are you doing lying on the sidewalk with your ear to

the ground like that?

The guy goes.

So my uncle Thomas lies down on the ground and listens.

He says, mister, I don't hear anything.

The guy goes, hey, no, it's been like that all day.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have

remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya.

We tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Okay. Now, Paris kidnapped Helen when she started the Trojan War. Who can tell

me what was inside the Trojan horse?

Barbarina. What was what?

What was inside the Trojan horse?

I don't know.

I guess the usual stuff, you know, hay.

Horse guts.

Wrong.

Epstein. There was an army inside the Trojan horse.

There was an army inside the Trojan horse, Barbarino.

Oh, you're so smart, aren't you?

You know, I hope the housing never gets that bad here.

I wouldn't mind living in a horse.

So long as they didn't try and stick me with living in a rear apartment.

Okay, now the Greek army was inside a Trojan horse.

That is so crazy. How could they put a whole army in a horse?

They disguise themselves as carrots.

That's really ridiculous.

An army inside a horse.

I wonder where they put the Navy, in a cow?

Admiral L .C. Lofat.

Hey, it's early. What do you want?

Got him.

They're doing well.

Will you please stop telling jokes? The groaning disturbs the other classes.

What are you feeling bad about today, Mr. Woodman? Find out somebody else is

playing the Grinch this Christmas?

As a matter of fact, I'm feeling rather jovial today, Carter. I've just seen Mr.

Sloan, the English teacher.

Washington here got a 90 in his literature test.

A 90!

Out of how many?

Out of a hundred, dum -dum.

A 90, that's an A for it. He got an A, didn't he?

but I just really want to say one thing, and that is, if you're slow, you blow,

but when you're fast, you pass.

Yeah.

Mr. A!

Mr. A! Mr. A!

Cluck it, cluck it. F's are what sweat hogs get.

And the only reason you get F's is because the school board won't let us

out G's.

Admit it, Washington.

You cheated.

Wait a second, Mr. Woman. Do you have proof that he cheated?

Connor, they couldn't take a blood test without cheating.

Are you calling me stupid?

That's close, Barbarina.

I'm calling all of you stupid.

Oh, that's better.

Hey, can you do that?

Come on, come on. Carter won't stand for that, will you?

No, I won't.

Look, Mr. Woman, if you got nothing better to do, go out and coach the

mudslinging team.

Sorry, Carter.

Work before pleasure.

Mr. Woodman, you don't know what you're talking about. The reason I got that A

is because the facts are right here.

I knew it, Washington. You had the answers written in your head.

Look, Mr. Woodman, if Freddy says he passed legitimately, I believe him. I

believe in Freddy.

So what?

I believe in music.

Wait, I know a way to prove whether or not he cheated. How?

Let him take a makeup test with Sloan and myself in the room. Why should I do

that? He's right. Why should he do that? I mean, he passed the test fair and

square, and that's that.

He did not, and that's that.

What's what?

Come on, come on, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please calm yourself.

We're all rational people here.

I'm not.

I still cry when somebody sits on my teddy.

All right, all right, all right. Everybody here is rational but honest.

Everybody got that?

Now, my dear man, Washington here obviously passed the test, and he's

obligation to take another one.

However, to silence his accuser, he'll be more than delighted to take another

one.

He'll take your test, Mr. Woodman. Now, what do you have to say about that?

Okay,

what do you want to do, Robin?

I have a six.

You got 17.

You want to hit?

Okay.

You're not supposed to. You know, you're supposed to stay on 17.

Yes, you are.

Don't eat the cards, Robin.

Come on. Here you go.

You got 21.

No, no, no, no. You don't eat 21.

21's a good hand. I got 17. You win.

You win, Robin Bobbin.

Okay, honey. Cash her in. She's got to get asleep. Her sister's already tucked

in. Hey, nobody leaves this casino a winner.

If you get even tomorrow, you can play her for a string carrot, okay?

Let's go.

It's time to go sleeping.

Yes, it is.

It's time to go sleepy, bopping, bopping.

Yes, it is.

Here we go.

Sleepy time. Say hello to your sister.

I'll get it, honey.

Hi, Freddy.

Hey, how you doing, Mr. Cockney? Y 'all busy?

No, come on in.

How's the cataracts? Oh, they're fine.

Uh, honey, Freddy's here.

No, he's not. He's home studying. His test is tomorrow.

Well, then you better call the police because somebody stole his face.

You will never get away with this, my good man.

Freddie Washington was loved by all. Now, take that thing off.

Yeah, I just want to thank you, Mr. Cotter, for sticking up for me today in

class.

Don't mention it. Now, go home and study.

See, if it wasn't for you, Mr. Cotter, man, us sweat hogs wouldn't have nobody

on our side, man.

Well, Freddy, you know that Gabe always pulls for the underdog.

You know, he is still pulling for Amelia Earhart to land in Newark.

You just had a lousy travel agent.

I don't know about tomorrow. I just don't know.

You know, what if something goes wrong?

Look, stop worrying, okay?

Yeah. But something could go... Freddy, no more buts. You're gonna do fine.

Look, Freddy, you know the material. You got a 90 on the first test. All you

gotta do is brush up.

I'll tell you what. Sit down.

I'll play you one -handed blackjack, okay?

Now, if you win, you get a soda, and then you go home and study.

If I lose?

You go home and study, and maybe you get a soda.

Go ahead, deal.

What kind of soda do you want, Freddie?

He didn't win yet.

He will.

I'll take a root beer.

Hey, Mr. Cartier.

Oh, you want another card?

No, I got blackjack.

Give me a soda.

How'd you get Blackjack on the first hand? How'd you do that?

I cheated.

How could you cheat? Gabe was stealing.

I'm not talking about in the cards there.

See, I... I cheated on Mr. Sloan's test.

I don't know what to

say.

Go ahead, yell at me, Mr. Katya.

I know I got it coming.

Yelling isn't going to solve anything, Freddy.

Freddy, why don't you just go home? Go ahead, go home.

I'll tell Woodman tomorrow.

Go ahead.

Honey!

What do you want me to do, Julie? I thought I had a relationship with this

Built on two years of trust and understanding.

He just threw it all out the window.

Go ahead, Freddy. Go home.

All right.

Where are you going?

Home. Sit down.

Hey, Mr. Cartier, you got to make your mind up, you know? Things are bad

you know?

Why did you cheat?

Why did I cheat?

Because I really knew that stuff about the three musketeers.

What?

Look, dig what I'm saying, all right? Okay, like, look. Now, in a subject like

geometry, if I get a 65, I don't care.

Because, see, I expect to fail.

See, I can't tell one triangle from another. I mean, they all look alike to

Now, are you with me?

I am hanging by my thumbs.

Okay, now, okay, what I'm saying there, Mr. Cartier, is about them three

musketeers. I know all about them dudes.

I read the book eight times. I saw the movie twice.

In fact, it's even my favorite candy bar.

Well, then why did you cheat, Freddy?

Because I wanted to pass.

But you just said you know the material.

The fact is, I don't trust myself.

I understand, Freddy.

No, I really understand.

Let me tell you a little story.

When I went to school at Buchanan, there was a guy named Too Tall Tannenbaum.

You know, this also reminds me of a story of the long neck crane.

Wait a second, Julie. My story comes first. Yeah, well, maybe so, but I think

I'd rather hear about the long neck crane.

Crane used to fly on gossamer wings.

Yeah.

One second thought, tell me about Too Tall Tannenbaum.

Okay, Too Tall Tannenbaum was a great basketball player. He used to stand at

foul line and take shots, jump shots, hook shots, every kind of shot, make 49

out of 50. Just like the crane.

What are you talking about? Could the crane play basketball?

No, but he was a great flyer.

when he was all alone, not when the other cranes were watching him.

Same thing with Too Tall, Tatted Bound. He could shoot great, but he couldn't

play basketball in a real game.

You see, it's the same story, Freddie. Do you understand?

I think so.

Let me see if I got this now.

Now, you're saying you've got a basketball player who can't fly, and

a crane that can't shoot baskets.

Not exactly, but it's the same general idea.

Let me tell you what the wind -up was. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm way ahead of

you. Now, I got that. Now, what you're saying is that...

Too tall learned to trust himself and became a leader of the team, right?

Right, you got it. And what you're saying is that the crane learned to

himself and became the leader of the flock, right?

Wrong. He tried to fly with his eyes closed and smashed into a mountain.

What kind of story is that?

It's a funny story.

Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to stick with the Tannenbaum story, all

right? And, uh, Mrs. Cartier, if I see a crane in the neck brace...

I'll give him your regards.

Hey, thanks a lot, Mr. Cotter. You're all right.

And, Mrs. Cotter, thank you. You've been a big help. Right on.

Take it all off.

Thanks a lot.

My other story is that a crane crashes into a mountain.

What kind of story is that, Too Tall Tannenbaum?

Well, Too Tall Tannenbaum happens to be a real person.

You don't know any real people. You only know joke people.

Did I tell you about Too Tall Tannenbaum's uncle, Too Short

One time he was walking down the street, and he sees this guy. Why don't you

check in the classroom now? Rudy!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on now, Freddie.

No need to strain your brain. We got it all figured out here. Check it out.

Check it out.

You got all what figured out? What are you talking about? How you can cheat so

you can pass that test this long. Yeah.

All right, guys. I'm not going to cheat.

No offense, Freddie, but if you had to cheat the first time... Yeah, well,

Arnold is different this time, all right?

Exactly. Here, give me this, Tiffany.

We got the answer to all your problems.

Viola.

The answer sandwich.

See, now this is perfect.

When you go and you tell Mr.

Sloan that you ain't had no breakfast, and you brought this sandwich here to

chomp on during the test.

Now, dig this.

Dig this.

Everything about the tree musketeers has been carefully written on the cold

cuts.

Come again?

Look, it's very simple, Fred. Look, you have your sandwich like so, right?

You're sitting in the classroom, and then you say, Hey, Mr. Sloan, why don't

come over and check out and see if I'm cheating or not?

See if I got something written on a wax paper.

Then it comes over, right?

And he sees that there ain't nothing on a wax paper but wax.

That's so smart.

Here, here, here, let me circumnavigate this here.

Now, the cold cuts, they're divided into three categories.

The tongue is Alexander Dumas.

The three musketeers are Bologna.

France is a Polish sausage.

I told you not to use mustard. You can't see through mustard. I told you to use

mayo. Don't worry about it. Give it to me. I'll write it on the pickles. That's

right. Don't worry about nothing. In fact, don't bother about nothing because

ain't going to use it, all right? What are you talking about?

These answers cost us $1 .95 a pound.

Yeah, yeah, and not only that, I mean, this is the perfect cheating system. I

mean, when you finish the test, you eat the evidence.

Now, look, no way.

I'm not going to cheat.

Freddie, you've got to cheat.

You can't let Woodman go around calling you a cheater.

Hey, Vinnie, look.

Vinnie, Juan, Arnold, listen to me, all right?

Look, I'm going to try to take the test and pass on the up and up.

Hey, Freddie.

Well, you ready?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, just remember, too tall, tan and bound.

Yeah, got to press myself.

Well...

This is the four musketeers. Harpo, Groucho, Chico, and Flunko.

Have your fun now.

Just wait till this test is over.

Happy days are here.

Well,

I guess I better go in, right?

Yeah.

The rest of you guys, there's a class starting right now inside.

So, good luck, Freddie.

Wait a minute, little musketeer.

You're not going to sally forth into battle without the support of your

are you?

All for one, and one for all.

Don't wear your lips, Freddy.

Yeah, raw, raw, that's the spirit.

It's the best pasta I ever ate.

All right, so the wind -up was that Andrew Johnson narrowly missed

Epstein. Hey, Mr. Carter, why do we got to read about people who lived 100 years

ago?

They ain't never going to read about us.

I wish that I was born a hundred years ago.

That way I'd have a hundred less years of history to remember.

Aren't you people interested in how other people live?

Okay, Mr. Carter, we learn about history in this class, right?

Once in a while it does come up. All right, I got a question pertaining to

history. Now, in the Dark Ages, did they have sunlight?

Mr. Whitman, you see, what Dumas was really talking about was that a man's

was not afraid to show affection for another man.

You dig what I'm saying, right?

All right, Washington.

Don't rub it in.

Freddie, how'd you do on the test?

I'll be with you in a minute, Mr. Katya. Now, Mr. Whitman, what I'm saying is

that Dumas... Freddie, did you pass?

Did I pass?

Check that test result again.

Maybe Sloan made a mistake.

Oh, no, why?

There's no sun up in the sky.

Come on, Freddy,

I'm going to go buy you lunch, pick up the check, and give it to Arnold here.

You know, Freddy, the really beautiful thing about not cheating, you never

got to worry about getting caught.

Can I see you a second? Sure.

Hey, I'll catch you all up in a minute, right?

Wait up.

What's up, Mr. Cartier?

Freddy, isn't there something you have to do now?

What?

You got to tell Mr. Sloan about the first test.

Let me ask you something, Mr. Cartier, all right?

Now, suppose. Now, just suppose I was going to tell you that I was never going

to cheat on a test again.

Would you believe me?

What's done is done, Mr. Cartier. It don't make no sense to dig up dead

Freddy, the fact that you got an 84 on this test, that doesn't erase the fact

that you cheated on the first test.

Okay, what does?

The only thing that does is going into Mr.

Sloan's class and fessing up, telling him that you cheated.

Oh, wow.

I guess...

I guess I got to do that little thing, huh?

Freddie, it's up to you, but if you don't go, I'll be forced to tell you

too -tall -Tannenbaum story.

Okay, Mr. Cotter.

Mr.

Cotter, it's not going to be easy, you know, but there is one thing I'd like to

say.

You're a pretty good teacher.

But you're a better friend.

Well, my brother will be over any second, honey.

You did a terrific job.

And with a broken arm, no less.

Oh, thanks, honey. It's going to be a real happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

Hey, you ever tell you what happened to my uncle?

Honey, let's keep it happy, okay?

Oh, this is a really cute story. You see, my uncle went to this restaurant.

Gabe, I think I hear the babies.

I don't hear anything.

Oh, well, they're going to start crying any second.

It's a good story.

It's a good story.

Did I ever tell you what happened to my uncle on Thanksgiving?

Well, you... That's better.

My Uncle Robert goes into this restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, the owner comes up to him after the meal. He says, Mr. Carter, how'd you

like dinner?

My uncle said, it was good, but you only gave me two slices of bread.

Now, the next year, my uncle goes back to the same restaurant, and the owner

remembers him. So he says to the waiter, see that guy over there?

Make sure this year he's got four slices of bread.

So he goes up to my uncle after the meal. He said, well, Mr. Carter, how'd

like it this year?

And my uncle said, well, it was okay, but you still didn't give me enough

So the next Thanksgiving, he comes in. The owner says, well, that's the guy

never thinks he has enough bread. He takes a big, long French bread.

And he cuts it right down the center. He says, here, give him this.

So after the meal, he walks over to my uncle. He says, Mr. Carter, how did you

like it this year? And my uncle says, well, it was okay.

But why did you go back to two slices?

He got no sense of humor.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could.