Original subtitles

Julie, one time my uncle Edmund, he's on a plane, right? He sits down, and next

to him on the aisle is this big guy, about 6 '7". The big guy sits down there

and goes right to sleep.

So my uncle Edmund, right, he's having lunch. He's got his tray table up there,

and he's having lunch, and the big guy's next to him.

And all of a sudden, some turbulence happens, and the whole tray table falls

the big guy.

About five minutes later, the big guy wakes up, sees all this out, and says,

What happened?

My uncle Edmondson missed it. You feel better now?

Welcome

back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have

remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot. Welcome

back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Look, we just came by to see if Mr.

Carr was going to come to school or not tomorrow. Yeah, you know, because if he

isn't, we better untie the substitute.

We shouldn't have done that.

You know something? You're right. We should have tied up Woodman.

He's been acting very weird lately, even for Woodman. Well, look, Gabe's going

to be back on Sunday. He called. His father's appendectomy went fine.

He's already complaining about the scrambled eggs and jello.

Oh, well, you see, there's a reason why hospitals only serve soft food. Oh?

so that when you throw it out the window, it don't hurt nobody.

Mrs. Carter, how come they took out his appendix? I mean, couldn't they just put

a cast on it?

Hey, what is this here you're eating? This lettuce and carrots and cottage

cheese?

That's rabbit food.

Well, it gave the way I don't cook much.

See that? She don't know how to take care of herself. That food is terrible.

I'm going to go out and get you and the babies an anchovy pizza.

Vinnie, babies don't eat anchovy pizzas.

Well, how about a mushroom one?

Hey, Mr. Carter, better than that. You get the babies half pepperoni, half

pablo. No problem.

See you later, Mr. Carter.

We'll be back.

Mrs.

Carter's got a male visitor, the weirdo.

cottage cheese on your upper lip.

Mr. Woodman, how sweet. Did you come all the way across town just to tell me

that?

Oh, no. How did I know you'd be eating cottage cheese?

Can I come in?

Sure. Make yourself at home.

Julie, I'm sitting on a time bomb.

Sit on the couch. It's more comfortable.

I've written a novel.

It's a behind -the -scenes account of the day -to -day struggles of a great

administrator.

The Swamp Rats of Savannah?

It says it all, doesn't it?

It takes place during the Civil War at Applegate Hall, the finest private boys'

school in the South.

Oh, I see. You wrote about Buchanan.

Shh.

If anyone knows I'm doing this sensational expose, they'll try to stop

it's published.

Now, forget Buchanan.

Think Applegate.

Anyway, there are these four incorrigible, disgusting lads.

The sweat hogs. No, no, the swamp rats.

No relation to the sweat hogs. No, no, these boys are rich. I mean, they're

dropping in money, even though it's Confederate.

Now, the teacher is a deserter from the army who grows a mustache to hide his

identity.

You made Gabe a deserter?

It has nothing to do with Gabe. The teacher's name is Gabe Lloyd Teasdale.

He's a yellow -bellied turncoat.

I take it he's not the hero.

Of course not. The hero is the headmaster, Beauregard Rabadon.

I call him the silver -haired fox.

You get it? Silver, gray, confederate. It all ties together, you see.

Mr. Woodman, do you really think that a book about a southern boy's... is going

to sell?

Well, do you think I care if it sells?

I mean, this is art, Julie.

This was a story that was burning inside of me and had to get out.

All right, Mr. Woodman.

It's out.

It's out.

Calm down.

Okay, now, what do you want me to do?

Well, I'd like you to read it. I need an honest opinion.

Okay. I would be glad to read it.

Do it.

You want me to read it now?

I've got to get your reaction to Border Guard Robin now.

You see, it comes in on page four. I may have to bring him in earlier.

Would you read it? Go ahead.

Okay, now, what page four?

Page four.

Okay.

Dawn came over the delta.

The amber rays of the morning sun fingered their way past the cottonwoods

into the swamp.

There to silence the lament of the loons.

I love loons.

Songbirds of the swamp.

Go ahead, read.

The fat frogs threw off their mantle of sleep and began plop

-plopping into the brackish water.

Remember that brackish water? I do a playback on that at the end.

Now, you see, Julie Lou... Julie Lou.

Julie Lou.

She's the beautiful young wife of the teacher deserter.

Oh, I see. And she runs off with the silver -haired fox.

I know she tries to, but Beauregard Ravenel is not the kind of person that

run away with another man's wife.

What a guy. He sends her back to the deserter.

Here, let me read this.

Look at this.

As the brackish water.

Uh -huh, brackish water.

Licked at Julie Lou's heels, she etched her suicide message.

into the quicksand with a cottonwood branch.

Beauregard, Beauregard, Beauregard, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

She dies.

Well, we find out in the sequel that her hoop skirt snags on a jutting roof.

ever think about getting a couple of Doberman pinchers for occasions like

Oh, Mr. Woodman.

Are you still here?

Don't you have to bring your pet spider to obedience class?

Yeah, for sure.

Mr. Woodman just came over to show me his novel.

Oh, yeah?

Let's see. Let's check it out.

Hey.

Swamp Rats of Savannah.

What's in this book?

Billy called his drinking buddies?

Hey, let me see, let me see, let me see.

Hey!

I did not.

Check it out. Look at it. Look, look, look.

All of this is inside this book. Look.

There's Warpstein.

They got Thorchak.

They got Baltimore.

Baltimore.

That's close to Washington.

All right, so it is based loosely on you.

Yeah, but that don't give you the right to smell the worst, all of them. face.

I'm a writer.

I write like I see it. Yeah, but Mr.

Whitman, you got us here challenging the church choir to a rumble.

I mean, we don't do stuff like that. I mean, we never hurt nobody.

Oh, yeah? Read chapter six, where the swamp rats set fire to every cotton

in the county.

For three months, Robert E. Lee and his men couldn't find Q -tips.

If they wanted cotton, all they had to do was open their aspirin bottles.

At least he didn't blame the Civil War on you. Oh, yes, he do. Check it out

right here.

Right here in Chapter 8, it says, we fired on Fort Sumter. We can't let him

that to us.

We won't.

Gentlemen, Woodman wants war, and war it is.

Right.

to the substitute, I'm taking over. What would do that with so bad?

Yesterday afternoon in the cafeteria, strapping trays to his feet.

And making him stamp the lumps out of the mashed potato.

Yeah, all that worked for nothing.

Turned out the lumps was in the gravy.

How'd you like a little protest here?

Yeah. I loved it.

We authors thrive on controversy.

Good for sales.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Woodman. The whole school is behind us. Yeah!

I mean, everywhere you go, you're going to be badgered.

bricks that would fall into my window.

Mr. Woodman, you better not make light of this.

That book of yours is an insult to the sweat hog.

It is a gross distortion of the truth.

Truth?

What is truth?

Vincent, don't start.

It's true. I've been thinking about it lately a lot. I think, what is the

I went out with Dolores.

To the driver, right?

And I said to her, I said, I said, Dolores, what is the truth? And she

Vinnie, go get me some French fries.

I said, okay, but answer me one thing. What is the truth?

She said, never mind. I'll go get the French fries.

You know what?

I think maybe I'm too deep for her.

You know, Barbarino, I've met cabbage deeper than you.

Where does that man go at night?

You want to know the truth?

Read Swamp Rats of Savannah.

It's filled with a profound understanding of human nature.

Oh, profound understanding, I see.

Like in that scene at the office's ball.

A perfectly happy married woman falls in love with a complete stranger.

And then, in front of a crowd of 300 guests...

She drops to her knees and she licks his boots.

And all this after only having one minuet.

So, Beauregard's a great dancer.

The secret's in the dip.

That Beauregard, that Beauregard story is so stupid.

I mean, remember that part when he asked, he says, Julie Lou, Would you

this minuet with me?

How do I know you're not a Yankee spy?

But my damn.

I am a southern gentleman. You can tell by the way I tore off the union labels

from my clothes.

My, my, you do dance divinely.

Oh, I bet you say that to everybody.

No.

No, just the men.

Why, poor God, I do believe they're staring.

at the staring is because they've never seen such beauty.

You flatter me.

I was talking about myself.

with a moustache?

Oh, no, because I hate women with moustaches.

I don't believe I'll go throw myself in the swamp.

Don't wait up for me.

If that was for my benefit, it was disgusting.

Good. So is your book.

Well, I'm not changing a word. It's pure gold.

Gentlemen, the time has come to put down our swords and

pick...

No, they can't come to the phone. They're busy setting their hair.

I'm glad your father's okay.

Yeah, I love you, too. I'll see you Sunday. Bye -bye.

we've had here this week.

We've written a novel.

Yeah. What do I look like? Random house?

Come on, you gotta check it out. Listen, it's incredible.

It's sensational expose. The school newspaper's gonna print the first chap

Friday. Yeah.

I hope it's not another Civil War epic.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's called... The Space Hogs.

of the morning cosmos, silence the lament of the space loon.

How do you like it so far?

Let me put it to you this way.

If you guys have a Julie Liu doing the backstroke through brackish waters, I've

read it.

That's impossible.

We just wrote it.

Now, where do you get to the end in here? Oh, yeah, yeah, the end. That's

best part. You see, that's when the space hogs do battle with the evil vice

tyrant.

Demento. One day, news of

Demento's evil reaches the antennae of...

The mighty space hogs burst.

Burst.

Cork it, you space hogs.

Your corking days are over.

Shouted the space hogs as they zapped him with their sweat gun.

Zapped.

pile of gray -haired yogurt.

Until chapter two, when he returned as a bowl of rice

pudding.

What did you think, Mrs. Carr? It was too deep, huh?

It was too reality, right?

You had me until the rice pudding.

Oh, I knew you should have made a tapioca. You should have listened to me.

I get it.

slander. Mr. Woodman, I am not taking any more submissions this week.

How dare you call me Demento?

This is all lies.

I never took a meteorite shower with an android.

Well, Mr. Woodman, we ain't never burned no cotton fields and we ain't never

fired on Fort Sumter. But you got me hijacking all the gravity in the

and holding it for ransom.

Will you have us challenging the church choir to a rumble?

has really gone far enough now, okay?

You know something, guys?

This reminds me of a joke that Gabe once told me.

Now, this is a real funny joke. You're going to love this.

There were these two guys, and they were bragging about this fishing that they

did. And the one guy says to the other guy, I caught a goldfish that was 400

pounds. And the other guy says, I caught a lantern dated 1492

with the light. still burning so the one guy says to the other i tell you what

i'll knock off a hundred pounds if you blow out the light

it has a point

well

maybe i did exaggerate a little maybe you wouldn't burn every cotton field in

the county

Mr. Woodman just knocked off his hundred pounds. Now, come on.

All right, so maybe you're not the kind of guy that would take a shower with an

android.

Well, I want to show the man a little good faith there, Freddy.

Okay, Mr. Woodman.

You got it.

Oh.

This is three years' hard work. How can I just tear it up?

Mr. Woodman, you don't have to tear it up. Just rewrite it a little.

Yeah, just talk about our other side.

How we're kind and generous and how we always help an

underprivileged wino crawl across the street.

But I never see that side.

Well, give us a chance to show you.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, sit down over here. Come on.

Now, do you remember the part when the character of Claude Barino, when he gets

the worst on his face, remember that? Of course.

It's a literary delight.

No, I think it should be pizza in the face.

What are you talking about?

Now, get your pen.

They wouldn't serve pizza at Applegate Hall.

Well, it's a start.

I think we need more walks.

You know, when you were away, honey, Robin demanded a crib with a better

I knew we should have rented the penthouse suite.

I'm glad everything's okay with your dad.

Oh, yeah, my mother was kind of worried for a second.

She kept saying, Gabe, I don't know what I'll do without your father.

I mean, I couldn't live without your father.

Unless, of course, it was in the south of France.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

Welcome back. Welcome back.