Original subtitles

Mr. Woodman, ever say about my uncle I thought he was a steam radiator?

Well, nobody's perfect.

Oh, my aunt took him to see a psychiatrist anyway.

Now, what did she want the psychiatrist to do, convince him he wasn't a

radiator?

No, just get him to stop hissing.

After hearing that joke, I know how your uncle felt.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

seats and clam up.

Uh, Mr. Horshack, who put you in charge?

It just so happens that during Mr.

Carter's absenteeism, I have juniority.

Yeah, well, where is Carter anyway? He's gonna miss my big surprise.

I don't know. You know what? Maybe he took his kid to the baby doctor.

That's stupid.

Babies can't be doctors.

would they put in the prescription, Google?

Good morning.

Good afternoon.

Look, I'm sorry I'm late.

You're sorry you're late?

You're sorry? for depriving these eager young minds of their much -needed

education.

You are sorry?

Well, Shaq, you want to be a teacher, you've got to wear a tie, you've got to

keep thumbs in your pocket at all times, and you've got to practice being

ignored.

Take a seat.

Did you hear me?

No, I'm ignoring you.

is because I went to see apartments again.

Apartment hunting all week, can't find anything.

Well, say no more.

Juan Epstein is here.

You say you're looking for an apartment.

You say you can't find one. You say you looked in Brooklyn, Queens, and parts of

Staten Island.

Let me tell you what I'm gonna do.

What are you gonna do, sell me a Vegematic?

Close, but no cigar.

I have here in my hand the answer to all your problems.

It's a lease to a two -bedroom apartment at 1962 Linden Boulevard.

What's the matter, Epstein? Your mother stopped writing notes and started

writing leases?

No, my uncle did.

Wait a second. This is a real lease.

Of course it's a real lease.

Hey, I got connections. My uncle, he runs a chain of slums.

very nice neighborhood.

Yeah, well, you know, the way Uncle Mo figured it out, he had the branch off.

Why just steal from the pool when you can rip off everybody?

Epstein, I don't know if this is a put -on or not, but at this point, I'll grab

at anything.

What are you grabbing at now, Carter?

Epstein may or may not have found me an apartment.

Well, it's my Uncle Mo's building.

Why would you want to move to Puerto Rico?

the wrong side of the family.

Uncle Mo, he runs a slick operation.

He's teaching me the ropes.

Ropes?

What's the matter? The building has no elevators?

Look, kid around if you will, Mr. Woodman, but this looks legitimate.

When can I see it, Juan?

Anytime you want.

You better make it fast before it gets condemned.

There is only one thing that can make a man that crabby.

He buys his underwear too small.

Hey, you guys would be weird, too, if you were raised by lizards.

Was she really?

Joke, Barbarino. Joke.

Julie, this is all going so smoothly, it's making me nervous.

Honey, relax. We saw the new apartment. It's wonderful.

Okay, truck's loaded up.

The only thing left to go is the babies.

Arnold, could you get us a cotton?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now, don't be stupid. You don't pack babies in

cotton, Epstein.

Strap them to the roof of the truck.

Yeah, otherwise they might get chipped.

Uh, okay, Santini brothers. Listen, you handle the hardware. We'll take care of

the livestock.

Mr. Carter, I think your refrigerator's sick. It looks all hot and sweaty.

Yeah, well, that's what generally happens when you pull a plug out.

What are you going to do with this root beer? Are you going to leave it here to

die?

Well, old pal, I know that over the years, you know, I took more than I

But you tempted me, you know that?

You tempted me with your liverwurst and your Danish and your anchovies.

So stay.

Stay full and keep a cool upper chest.

That was very touching, Vinnie.

Very touching.

Now, we would like a moment alone with the stove.

Yeah, I mean, you guys aren't the only ones that have to confront the beloved

appliance.

You know, Mr. Carter, I'm kind of glad you're moving because we're all getting

too old to be climbing in and out of windows.

See you in a while.

Bye. Hey, guys. Hey, y 'all. Come here.

Hey, guys.

Hey, y 'all.

One more time for old time's sake.

Take a good look around.

Goodbye to our first apartment.

Yeah.

Hey, Julie?

What? What do you say we leave the way we first came in?

You mean in debt and unemployed?

I love the way it's decorated.

Early sweat hog.

It would be great to have enough room for all four of us, honey.

I think we should have kept our old apartment, though. You know, use it as a

summer home.

Come on, let's show the girls to their nursery.

Hey, Richie baby, you want to see your new digs? Come on, you want to help us

unpack?

Come on.

Let's go.

I think Robin wants the crib by the phone.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm sick of Robin's demands.

It's already stronger than I am.

All right, then. Let's let biceps be biceps.

I'd like to congratulate everybody on the job well done. All furniture

and economy force, sir.

Anyway, except for that runaway bookcase that hit that bump on Ocean Parkway.

I think that we moved the furniture and we worked very hard. I think it's Miller

time.

we got the time, who's got the beer?

Did you settle for root beer?

Requesting permission to sit, sir.

All right, everybody, just ease up.

Listen,

you guys worked hard all day.

I guess it's Miller time.

Hey, Mr. Carter, I gotta hurry up downstairs and get the driver. He wants

paid. What's his hurry?

Well, he's parked in a no -furniture zone.

Money, money, money. Everybody wants money.

Hey, guys, I gotta congratulate you.

You didn't break a thing.

What I mean, like, what did you expect?

We left all the broken stuff on the truck.

Vinnie, there's someone here I want you to meet.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Over here.

Her name is Shirley.

Oh, hello, Shirley.

Boy, are you alone?

Yes? Well, that's good, because you've got a nice face.

But you're empty inside.

Well, I'm going to give her a chance to get turned on.

Well, Rachel loves the new nursery.

Oh, that's terrific.

But Robin's complaining about the wallpaper. She says it clashes with her

diapers.

It didn't when we put them on.

I got the driver.

This way, Matt.

All right, Carter, how do you want to pay me?

About a mile or about an hour?

Well, which is cheaper?

Well, for anybody else, it'll be 40 bucks.

For you, it's on the house.

Thank you, Mr. Wilbur. That's nice of you.

Listen.

It's a hard trip. Got stopped by a cop and sold an end table and a lamp.

I need those for my living room.

That's what the cop said.

If you really use that 40 bucks, the price of polygrip goes up every day.

Now, you low -lifes want to ride back with me?

Yeah, yeah, let's go.

Hasta luego, baby.

Vaya con Dios.

Chili con carne.

I'll get it.

Phones you get.

Babies you take care of.

I'll be right back.

Well, I don't want to be one to squeeze my own accordion, but did I do good or

did I do good?

Well, Juan, given those choices...

You did good. Yeah, we got a real sweet deal here, Mr. Carter.

I just hope you remember it the next time you grade my tests, you know what I

mean?

You see, a D can become a B very easily.

All you gotta do is just put a line right down the middle of it.

What do you need me for? You've been doing that yourself for two years.

Yeah, but if you get caught doing it, I don't get in any trouble.

I'll get it. Maybe it's your refrigerator. Looking for Vinnie.

Come in.

I'm Mo Epstein, your landlord.

Well, well, well. What do you know, Uncle Mo? Epstein, the young guy. How

doing? All right. Mr. Epstein, nice to meet you. Listen, I can't tell you how

much I appreciate this apartment. Don't mention it. The one here told me all

about you.

You're the famous Mr. Cotter.

A man who molds young minds.

Once in a while, of course, a mind is moldy before it gets to you.

That's such is the life of a teacher. So, I hear you have a beautiful wife.

Yeah, well, I'm a lucky man.

Oh.

Hi.

What is that?

That's my beautiful wife.

No, no, no, I mean the thing at the end of her arm there.

That's her beautiful hand.

I mean the thing in the blanket.

This is Robin.

Juan, they have a baby.

Oh?

Yeah, what's the matter? Tell him. Tell him what's the matter.

Uncle Moe.

Uncle Moe, these people here, they were desperate.

Well, you know what my rules are. No babies allowed.

They make noise.

They get sick.

They spit up.

Uncle Moe, these people here, they need an apartment. Yeah, well, they're going

to need a lawyer now. And you, you're going to need a new future. You're too

soft -hearted to be in the apartment business.

Nice to meet you.

I was just trying to help, folks.

Come on. Juan, you want to help? You better stop Woodman in the truck.

We might have to live in it for a while.

Here's one.

Large indoor -outdoor suite.

Fenced in yard.

Wooded area.

And it's only $100 a month, Mr. Connors. Let me see that.

$100 a month.

Arnold, this is an ad for a kennel.

Maybe they'll make an exception.

Oh, wow.

Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie. Check it out. Check it out. Look

at this. Look at this.

Four rooms, over bowling alley, under pool hall, next to a disco.

That's nice for you, but we were hoping for something a little noisier, like an

apartment on an airport runway or something.

Wait a minute. What's this?

Unfirm apt.

A fish kitchen shop.

You know, the guy who wrote this, he spells worse than me.

Vinnie, these are abbreviations. It means, uh...

Unfresh, unfresh apartment, living room. It's an efficiency kitchen, stall,

shower.

$2 .50 a month.

Not bad.

It's also my old apartment.

Mr. Carter, I do not understand why you were giving up so easily.

Hey, you know, Mr. Carter, Arnold's right.

I mean, Epstein's uncle, he don't got a leg to stand on.

Look, you know, Juan's in enough trouble as is.

I mean, he feels so bad he didn't even come to school today.

I'll just stay with my brother for a couple of weeks until I can find

Oh, got it.

What's this I hear about you moving out of your new apartment?

Yeah, unfortunately, it's true.

Didn't take your neighbors long to get up a petition, did it?

Get it, Carter? Petition?

I'm too much, you know that? I'm too much.

Take your medicine, Mr. Woodman.

was raised by lizards.

Well, we'll forget about leaving so fast. I didn't have time to get you to

place.

I'm really sorry, Mrs. Carter. I didn't mean to mess it up, you know? Oh, it's

okay, Juan. We can find another apartment. I don't know if you're going

another uncle.

Oh, yeah.

Uncle Mo's really bummed out. I mean, he gave me the can.

Look, I just had these cards ordered for myself. Look at this here.

Juan Epstein, consultant.

Real estate rentals and sales.

Ears pierced while you wait.

Special rate for groups.

Hi, Joyce.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Juan. Hi, honey.

I got a message for you from Mr. Woodman.

Show up in school tomorrow or else.

I got a lot of thinking to do, Mr. Carter.

And I really can't do that in school.

Listen, Juan, I know you got problems, but that's no reason to cut class.

Not cutting class.

I was tutoring him in moving and storage.

An accomplice.

Juan, I think we should find your family tree and chop it down.

Oh, look who it is. Uncle Schmo.

If you're trying to make me feel bad, don't bother. Better men than you have

tried and failed.

Gabe, why don't you invite Mr. Epstein in?

The babies have already had their shots.

Very funny, but this is not a social call.

Oh, it's too bad. We're about to offer you some flat beer and stale pizza.

I came up to offer you this.

Don't bother reading it. I will summarize all 40 pages in five words.

30 days.

That's not soon enough. We'll be out tomorrow morning.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean they're not going to fight me?

What?

You want us to fight you? Sure, sure, of course.

I sue you, you sue me.

Court battles, lawyers.

Look, some people golf, some people bowl.

I fight with my tenants. That's my fun.

I mean, what would life be without a little litigation, you know?

You are not only a mean man, you are a thick man.

And you people are crazy, don't you understand?

If you hang in for long enough, you'll win. I don't have a leg to stand on.

It'll be fun.

Now, look, Uncle Moe, Uncle Moe, they ain't going to fight you because you're

uncle, and they don't want to get me in any more trouble than what I am. Forget

that I'm his uncle. Forget that. Think of me as a mad dog, as a bee, huh?

Look, look, cut it.

Picture this, huh?

A courtroom. On one side, a hated slumlord. A man who started with a

tenement and built it into a thriving ghetto.

I see, I see, I see. The one with the foam at the mouth. That's you, right?

That's me. Okay, now on the other side, right?

A dedicated teacher, a beautiful wife, sitting with their twins. Can you see

them? Yeah, I can see it.

Rachel's cooing for the jury.

And Robin wants a mistrial.

And look, look at the jury.

You've won their hearts. They hate me. They're climbing out of the jury box to

tear out the rest of my hair.

We don't have to go to court for that.

A contender? Huh? Now, what about you? Come on. What about me?

Right. You want to know about me? Right. You want to fight? All right. All

right. All right. You got one. Okay. We're not moving out of this apartment,

we're not even going to court to prove it. A staggering blow. Okay. We don't go

to court. Keep punching. Come on. You want more?

You want more?

All right. I want one to get his job back, and I want you to give him a

salary. How about that? Oh, beautiful Carter. You got me on the ropes. I'm

dazed. Okay. Give me the knockout punch.

All right. Here it comes.

You ready?

You're going to let people with babies in all your apartments.

You had me where you wanted me, but you went too far.

You guys with principles, you never know when to stop.

All right.

All right, stay if you want.

At least now, you're fighters.

But one spit up on the floor, and I go straight to the Supreme Court.

Does that mean I can show up at your office in the morning?

Yeah, yeah, come by. I'll teach you how to evict the bedridden.

Nice seeing you again.

There it is, there it is, there it is. I'm back in business.

Honey, I have never seen you that mad.

That was very exciting.

Don't you have something to do?

Yeah. I got to go over the rules and regulations of the building.

All right, now, first of all, here's the situation.

Things have to be quiet around here around 10 o 'clock.

Don't want anybody just blasting their stereo, you know. We got a lot of old

folks underneath you, and they're just going to complain a lot.

The rent is due on the 15th of the month.

Not the 16th, but it's due on the 15th of the month.

The garbage is picked up on Tuesdays. You just...

Just pick up the garbage.

You pick up the garbage and you move it to the door very easily.

You open the door and you take the garbage and you just go.

Just

think

of it, Julie. This place is really ours. Hey, you ever think about my Uncle

Ellsworth?

New apartment, but some things never change.

Listen to this. Uncle Ellsworth was a real fancy guy. Liked to travel all the

time. Lived in St. Louis, right? So one time he's taking a train from St. Louis

to Kansas City. Sits in a dining car, and a cannibal sits down next to him.

A cannibal.

Yes, a cannibal. A cannibal. Cannibal. And the waiter comes over.

And he says to the cannibal. The cannibal. Yes. Would you like to see a

sir? Uh -huh. And the cannibal says, no.

Just the passenger list.

Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out

Welcome back To that same old

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always just thought of friends.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know what a scene you were learning in.

Was there something that made me come back?