Original subtitles

Julie, ever tell you about my cousin Lester?

No, and I appreciate it.

Well, your luck has run out.

My cousin Lester always wanted to be an engineer on a train, but he was kind of

stupid. And one day he goes for an interview, and the guy says, all right,

Lester, now listen to this. I want you to tell me what to do.

Train, you're the engineer, right? It's going down the track. You go around a

big curve. All of a sudden you see coming at you 100 miles an hour another

on the same track. Now what do you do?

What did Lester say?

Well, Lester said, well, I'm going to get this thing.

I'm an engineer of a train.

Train is going 90 miles an hour around a corner.

And there's another train coming on the same track right at me.

Guy says, that's right. What would you do?

Lester said, well, I'd call my sister.

What?

I'll call my sister.

And the guy said, why would you call your sister?

Lester said, well, she ain't never seen a train wreck before.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Yeah, we tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back.

Don't tell me Arnold's absent again today.

Mr. Carter, Arnold's absent again today.

Thanks a lot, Vinnie. Let me know if you get here.

Hey, Mr. Carter.

Not only has Horschak been out of school all week, he ain't been nowhere.

Yeah, he's just a little nowhere, man.

You know, Arnold might be staying away because of remarks just like that. Oh,

don't be ridiculous.

He can't hear those remarks. He ain't even here.

Look, let me try and make it clear.

Horschak takes a lot of abuse from you guys.

Let me tell you a little story.

Ah, come on. It's early in the morning.

Is this a Bonzo Moretti story?

No, this is a Harold Levinsky story.

Who's that?

Harold Levinsky was a sweat hog when I went to school here.

Now, Harold had big ears, you know, that stuck out from his head.

So all the guys, including me, used to say things like, uh...

Hey, Levinsky, you look like a taxi cab with the doors open.

Oh, that's funny.

Taxi cab with the doors open.

That's not the point, Vinnie.

The point is, I didn't want to hurt Harold. I thought I was being cute, like

guys don't want to hurt Arnold. But Arnold has feelings. He's a person. He's

human being.

Mr. Cotter, my name is Abu Karim Hassan.

Hey, Arnold, you're always falling asleep in class and all, but it's the

time you ever wore his nightgown.

Mr.

Cotter, I have... found religion.

I now walk in the footsteps of the master, the great prophet, the Baba

Mr. Carter, that Baba Bibi, is that like junior achievement?

No, the Baba Bibis are a religious cult, right, Arnold?

The Bibis are the only true cult, Mr. Carter.

It all happened last week as I was walking down Ludlam Place.

When suddenly, I was approached by this girl. Oh, a

vision of loveliness, I might add, who took my hand and walked with me.

I thought the cops cleaned up that area.

She told me that I was beautiful.

Her name, Kali Kalu.

Formerly Miss Debbie Rothenberg of Forest Hills.

Then she took me to the Baba's holy shrine, and I learned two things which I

shall never forget.

Love a lot of people, sell a lot of flowers.

Um, Arnold, Abu, would you check your tambourine and sit down?

I'd like to discuss this with you later, okay? But right now...

Somebody's painted a big sign on the front door of the school saying, Baba

the whole world.

Now, who is this girl, Baba? She must be in your class.

It is I, Abu Karim Hassan, who wrote that message of love.

Beautiful flowers for a very beautiful person, Mr. Woodman.

That'll be 35 cents.

What's with this weirdo?

Arnold has had a religious experience, Mr. Woodman. He's joined the cult of

Bibi.

Baba Bibi?

You mean the one who brainwashes young people?

My kind of guy.

Arnold! Arnold!

What's the matter with him?

I think he's in a trance.

It looks like that thing my father's got in the back of his car.

How does the place look, honey?

Julie, relax. Mrs. Horshack is a woman with four kids.

To her, this place is going to look neat.

Well, honey, what would you do if one of the girls joined one of those religious

cults? Okay, girls. Which one of you try to sell your mother a flower?

You? Did you do it?

Yes, I think somebody shaved her head.

Come on, you go to sleep now. You go to sleep now.

Maybe Arnold's just going through a phase.

You know, when I was a teenager in Nebraska, I joined a hippie commune for

days. Why only three days?

I got thrown out. They caught me doing my nails.

I get it.

They caught you doing your nails.

Mr. Carter, hello.

I'm Arnold Horschak's mother.

I would have never guessed.

Now I know where he gets you.

No, I got it from him.

Come on in. Oh, okay.

Thank you. This is my wife, Julie. Julie, this is Mrs. Horschak.

How nice to meet you, Mrs. Horshack. Oh, actually, it's Mrs. O 'Hara.

I had Arnold by a previous mistake.

Oh, well, Arnold has told me so much about you. Oh, and he's told me so much

about you, too.

And congratulations on your double blessing. Oh, thank you. You want to see

babies? Oh, yes.

Viewing room is right over here.

Oh.

A matching set.

May I?

Sure.

They're so darling when they're little. Oh, so pink and cute.

It's too bad they have to grow up and tear your heart out like my Arnold.

Do you think the time I dropped him had anything to do with it?

No, I'm sure it didn't. Let me just put her to sleep.

We're back to sleep now.

Yes. Oh, come sit down. Come on, you just sit down over here.

Now, between the three of us, we will figure this thing out.

You're very kind.

Dee, you should always keep a box of Kleenex out, you know?

I'll get you some.

For you.

No charge.

Come in, Arnold.

Abu, it has come to my ears that the mother of the former Arnold Horschak is

here. Look who it is. My son, the religious fanatic.

Mother, you must not ridicule something just because it's different.

Isn't that what you teach, Mr. Cutter? Well, I try to tell you... Arnold, I'm

not ridiculing it because I don't understand and it's different. I'm

it because it's crazy.

Mother, please.

As the great one says, what is, is.

What was, will be.

What will be, was, but will be again.

That's a beautiful sentiment, Arnold.

Make a great bumper sticker.

Oh, Mr. Cotter, it is more than mere sentiment. It is the very cornerstone

which I want to build my entire life.

Arnold, listen to me.

You're making a very important decision.

Don't you think you're being a little hasty about it? Are you listening,

Abu.

Arnold, this is an adult man with a mustache talking.

But, Mother, you do not understand.

Now I have a whole new family.

And friends who truly love me.

But, Arnold, what about the sweat hogs? They're your old friends. They really

love you.

Love me?

Love me?

Love me, Mr.

Cutter!

They do not love me. What am I to them?

Except someone that they can laugh at, that they can poke fun of, that they can

taunt and tease.

Oh, at least it's a start, Arnold.

put me down for the last time.

That is why I have come here to tell you that I am quitting school and moving to

the Baba's Holy Commune, just adjacent to the shopping center in Nyack.

A commune? You're going to a commune?

All right.

Just remember, when you're out there rolling in the dirt and the wheezing

in, as it will, I just pray your father knows a good allergist.

Arnold.

Arnold, we've been friends for a long time. Let's talk about this.

Oh, Mr.

Cutter, words mean nothing.

And as the great one says, talk is cheap.

You!

Marsha!

Why are you wearing that dress?

And what are you doing here so late?

Ah, Mr. Cummins, I am about to depart these hallowed halls for a place where

love flourishes.

Ain't you a little young to be going to a massage parlor?

Ah, Mr. Cummins, I will not say farewell, for we shall meet again in a

place.

Not tonight.

I already finished the third floor.

What are you doing?

Let go of my being, please.

We're going to be programmed.

You, Arnold Horschak, for your own good.

Oh, you can torture me, but I shall never reveal my mantra.

Well, nobody wants to see your mantra.

Forget about that, Freddie. Now, I saw how to do this on the eyewitness news.

Hey, you, repeat after me.

My name is Arnold Horschak.

No, my name is Abu Karim Hassan.

What is, is.

What was, will be. What will be, was, but will be again.

You'd better hurry up. I'm starting to understand him.

Now, look, Arnold, we're going to keep you here all night without any food,

without any water.

That's right. What care I for food and water? For I am nourished by the fruit

the Baba's teachings.

It keeps me pure, and I don't break out.

Well, let's see if there is any reality here. Put him in there, all right?

Your whole life, Arnold.

Right here in the men's room.

Straight into the truth, you. You won't care what that barber teaches you.

Because when you mess with the sweat hogs, your barber done made a boo -boo.

Your name is Arnold Horshack.

Your name is Arnold Horshack. Your name is Arnold Horshack. Say it. Your name is

Arnold Horshack. Say it. Your name is Arnold Horshack. Say it. Your name is

Arnold Horshack. It was, was.

What isn't, isn't.

What you didn't do before you did.

My name is Abu Karim Hassan.

What is, is.

What was, will be.

What will be, was, but will be again.

Arnold, what's going on here? Oh, Mr.

Cotter. Thank the Baba you've arrived.

kept me awake all night trying to force me to renounce my faith.

Come on, wake up.

Wake up. Let's go. Wake up.

Get up, Freddie.

Get up.

What's the matter with you guys?

You can't force someone to give up their religious beliefs just because you

don't like them.

What did I teach you three weeks ago about freedom of religion?

Ain't no fair giving us a pop quiz in a men's room.

Go to class. I want to talk to Arnold.

Your name is Arnold Warshack. Your name is Arnold Warshack. Your name is Mr.

Cotter. Your name is Mr. Cotter.

Forgive them, Mr. Cotter.

They are but sheep, and you are the shepherd.

Guide them well to the next day's grazing.

What about you, Arnold?

I must be going to join the Baba.

Arnold, are you sure you're going to be happy there? Oh, Mr. Cotter, may the

Baba bless you.

But as the majestic one says, when it's right, you know it.

Baba watches a lot of TV.

Arnold, you know, I've been doing a little research about the Baba and his

Oh, and you wish to join us? What size sheet do you wear?

I know that the Baba takes care of your clothes, your money, all your worldly

possessions are his.

I am aware of the Baba's yearly garage sale.

Arnold, he can tell you everything. He tells you if you want to get married, he

tells you who to marry.

He tells you when you can get married. He tells you how many children you can

have. Well, someone has to tell me.

Arnold, listen to me. Try and understand what I'm saying.

What about you?

You are. Is this what you really want? Do you want someone telling you what to

do all the time?

Arnold, that's not religion. That's slavery.

Please, Mr. Cotter, you must help me.

Why, Arnold, you want to change your mind? No, I want to stand up. I've been

sitting like this all night long.

Goodbye, Mr. Cotter.

Aren't you going to say goodbye to your friends?

And let them sink their claws into my flesh once more?

Arnold, let's not be dramatic, all right? I think you owe them a goodbye.

As you wish.

The school starts in ten minutes, and Arnold has something to say to you guys.

Goodbye, little Juan.

Goodbye,

Frederick.

Goodbye, Vincent.

Hang on.

Do you remember that time I told you the school dance was a costume party?

Oh, yes. And you believed me? Yes, I did. And you came with aluminum foil

wrapped all around you like you was a baked potato.

It wasn't so bad until you put the sour cream in my hair.

I'm sorry about that.

You deserve a lot better than being treated like a side dish.

Arnold Horschak, um... Hey, look, I'm sorry

about all those times that, you know, that I've been ranking on you. You know,

like that time, you know, like that time when I said that you were so skinny

that you needed to rent a shadow. You remember that?

Then you said I looked like a pelican with a permanent.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I must go now.

Wait a second.

I ain't talked to you yet.

Now look, I could understand you leaving to go do something important like, you

know, the roller derby.

or something like that. You know, something with a future.

But this going off with the tambourine bombs.

Come on, wear your scruples.

But they want me, Vincent.

Arnold, do you think that we would waste our best drinks on you if we didn't

want you?

But they say they love me.

We love you, too. Arnold, we love you, too. Yeah, but don't expect us to tell

you that.

Why am I finding all of this out now, when it's too late?

Goodbye, my friends.

Well, I guess we were about a week late with our cinnamons.

There are 20 people in front of the school in sheets.

It looks like a musical laundry line.

I'm running a high school, not a white sale.

Oh, wow!

Hey, look at all the hippies.

Who's on?

Oh, see, I don't know, please. I don't know where he is.

love me but you can't say it

Uh, Mr. Woodman, before you leave, uh, there's something I gotta tell you.

Not another one of your uncle jokes.

No, I can't think of an uncle joke.

This is true.

These two flies are on the ceiling, right?

One looks at the other one and says, hey, your man is open.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.