Original subtitles

Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you what happened to my cousin Mark?

No, tell me.

Okay, he's in the attic, and he's looking through one of his old suits,

sees a shoe ticket from shoes he brought in to fix about 20 years ago.

So he starts thinking, maybe I'll try to go back to the old neighborhood and see

if the shoe store is still there. The proprietor's name was Giuseppe, and he

a nice guy. Everybody liked him in the neighborhood. And he figures, I haven't

been back to the old neighborhood in a long time anyway. I'll take a ride back

there. So he goes back to the old neighborhood, and he sees Giuseppe's

store. And he walks in, and there's Giuseppe, 20 years older, but the same

Walks up to him, he says, Giuseppe, remember me?

Wait a minute, who?

Yeah, I remember you, you little boy. Your name is, uh, uh, Carter, right?

He says, that's right.

Giuseppe, I was going through this old suit of mine, and I happened to see I

a ticket for shoes that I left here 20 years ago. How about that?

And Giuseppe says, let me see your ticket. Come on, let me see your ticket.

So he shows him the ticket, he looks.

Let me look in the back. Maybe they're still there. You wait here, Carter. I'll

go look in the back. So he goes in the back, and he hears all this rumbling,

and, you know, he's going around. He's looking through all the shoes, and he

comes out. He says, wait a sec.

Your shoes, brown shoes, you brought them in for heels and soles?

My cousin said, yeah, that's right.

Giuseppe says, well, they'll be ready Tuesday.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead you?

Who'd have thought they'd lead you out here where we need you?

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Okay.

So, the Supreme Court.

has left it up to each community to determine what's obscene.

Was the community around when Kiki Kornberg tried to squeeze into them size

jeans? Now that was obscene, you know what I mean?

If you want to see obscene, you should see the drawing that Epstein handed in

art class.

Oh yeah, I saw that. That's a beautiful chick you drew.

Hey, could you fix me up with that drawing?

Epstein, are you drawing racy pictures in art class?

Hey, I'm no racist.

Miss Holtzgang said we could draw our favorite thing, so I drew this beautiful

girl. I drew a picture of a cheese whopper.

Yeah, and I drew a picture of Arnold getting hot burned.

And I drew a picture of me.

Look, Epstein, whatever you do in art class, that's Miss Holtzgang's

jurisdiction. You're safe here, as long as you don't draw a naked picture of

George Washington.

Hey, come on, who would want to see a naked picture of George Washington?

Maybe Martha.

Warshak, I'm surprised at you.

You are talking about the father of our country.

A man like that never took his clothes off.

Then how did he get to be the father of our country?

Saved by the bell. See you tomorrow.

Hey, little Juan, here

comes Miss Holtzgang. I think she's going to show your X -ray drawing to Mr.

Carter.

Juan,

if I was you, I'd go to Puerto Rico and check out my roots.

busy. Are you busy? I can come back later.

No, no, that's okay.

I know why you're here.

Really? Yeah, Epstein told me about his drawing in the art class.

Oh, wasn't it wonderful? So expressive. Such powerful lines.

You liked it? No problems?

None at all.

Oh.

You think there's going to be a garbage strike?

I hope not.

Me too.

Last one was awful.

Mountains of garbage piled up in front of everybody's house.

Gabe, I've fallen in love with you.

Does this mean we're finished talking about the garbage strike?

Gabe, listen, it wasn't easy for me to say that.

Come on, Paula, stop kidding around.

I'm not kidding.

Come on. Paula, are you kidding?

I guess you're not kidding.

Paula, look, this is crazy.

Come on, we hardly know each other. Believe me, it's just physical.

Don't be silly. It's not at all physical.

It isn't?

No, no, Gabe.

It's just something about you.

Your sense of humor, the way you handle those kids, your poise, your charm.

The way you dress on a teacher's salary.

Argyle, it always made me crazy.

Paula, I think I should tell you. I know what you're going to say, Gabe. You're

married and you love your wife, but... Paula, look, let me finish.

All right, Gabe, I'm sorry. Go ahead. What were you going to say?

I'm married. I love my wife.

You, your sense of humor.

Oh, Gaby, Gaby, you're wonderful.

You're everything I've always wanted in a man.

Well, believe me, you wouldn't like me.

I mean, I got a lot of problems.

I tell bad jokes.

It doesn't matter.

I eat crackers in bed.

I eat crackers, too. I'm used to crumbs in bed.

I understand.

Paula? Yes?

You sure it was nothing physical?

Yes, I'm sure.

Oh. Nothing physical at all.

Nothing.

I heard about Epstein's picture.

Where is the Picasso of pornography?

Now, Mr. Woodman, pornography is determined now by community standards.

Who came up with that garbage?

Supreme Court.

What can nine old men know about smut?

I want to take that picture to a higher authority principal last week.

At last I've got something to nail one of you sweat -outs.

Oh, but Mr. Woodman, Rembrandt painted plenty of nude.

Well, I want to see Rembrandt in my office, too.

You think he's a real person?

Hey,

you guys don't know what's going on up there.

Epstein, I think you better forget about going to Puerto Rico. Mr. Woodman, he

found out.

I think you better go to Israel and check up on your other roots.

Will you just forget about that? Listen to this.

Miss Holtzgang's hitting on Carter.

You bet. Yeah. She just said that she's fallen in love with him.

Now, why would she do that?

Because she's an art teacher. She smells all that turpentine. Makes you weird.

Get this.

They started kissing.

Kissing what?

Kissing each other.

Where?

In the classroom, dummy.

You mean they was kissing each other's classrooms?

Maybe it's his birthday.

Hey, listen, it was no birthday kiss. It straightened his hair.

is not going to be too thrilled when she hears about this.

Well, why would Mr. Cartier do it?

Him? Why would she do it?

Well, I'm sure it's nothing physical.

Come on, come on. The man is obviously turned on.

Now, the point is, we got to do something else that's going to wreck his

marriage. You know, he's right.

If the Cartiers broke up, who would get custody of us?

nobody wanted us.

We'd all end up in a sweat orphanage.

Maybe we could find her another guy.

Yeah, somebody she can't resist, huh?

I know what you guys are thinking.

What?

It's obvious to me. You want me to do it, right? You want me to get in there

give him a Vinnie Barbarino smile?

My Vinnie Barberino walk, right?

Bye, guys. I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, go on. Get going. Go ahead.

For Mr.

Cocktail, for Mrs.

Cocktail. And for the little infant Cardo, too.

All right, all right. I'll do it. I'll do it.

But you better not fall in love with me too long.

I got a date with Dolores on Tuesday.

Hey, Miss Holtzman.

Yes, ma 'am?

I used the wrong one.

I've got to use my special Vinnie Barbarino over 21 walk.

Vinnie, are you sure you don't want to pass to the nurse's office?

How do you like that?

She'll never get over me by Tuesday.

What are you talking about?

She walked away from you.

Well, it takes a while. By the time she gets to the corner, it'll hit her.

She'll come running back.

She's almost at the corner.

She's waiting.

Like she's got the exact change.

I sat around thinking about names for the baby.

Now, look, I've thought of this new name, and I want you to sit or stand,

about it, and don't react, okay?

Sylvester!

When can I react?

Think about it a little more.

If it's a boy, we'll call him Farrah Fawcett Cotter.

No, we can't. He'll have to have his hair done every 15 minutes.

How was your day, honey?

Oh, the usual.

Kids got a little crazy.

Women got a little hostile.

Oh, yeah, and the art teacher told me she loves me.

Oh, that's nice.

Why don't you sit down and have your dinner here? Start on the grapefruit.

infatuations go on all the time.

Yeah, I know.

Smells good. What are we having for dinner?

Um, let's see.

Meatloaf and baked potato and spinach.

Our teacher, huh?

Yeah.

Did you remember the French bread?

Mm -hmm.

Yes, it's heating up.

Does our teacher have a name?

Yeah.

Do I smell garlic butter? Did you make garlic butter, honey? Oh, thank you.

Gabriel.

What? is the name of this art teacher who says she's in love with you?

Her name is Paula Holskang.

She's 26 years old. I think I said ten words to her my entire life. All of a

sudden today, she comes to my class and she tells me she's in love with me.

I tell her I'm happily married, she leaves, and I hope that's the end of it.

I'm just being silly.

I'll check the garlic bread.

Is she pretty?

Is she prettier than me?

Can I have a piece of French bread?

Is she prettier than me?

Different type.

She's prettier than me.

I don't know, Julie. I don't care. I don't love her. I love you.

Well, Gabe, why don't you just go over to her house and have her draw

you? A piece of garlic bread.

Because you're not getting any here.

Or anything else, for that matter.

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

I am going where I always go when we have an argument at a candy store. I

get a soda. I'll give you a chance to calm down. I'll calm down. And I'll be

back in 15 minutes.

Oh, we was just passing by, huh? Figured you might be going out tonight.

Yeah, we wouldn't want you to get mugged or nothing like that.

Yeah, we thought we'd walk you wherever you have to go.

Just in case you go someplace you shouldn't be.

I am going to get a soda.

Sure, it'd be good. The boy's sure he's going to get a soda.

Who the hell is going on here?

Is everybody going crazy?

double. Let's go.

All right, out of here.

Out with it fast. What's happening here?

Listen, Mr. Carter, I heard everything.

I was right outside your door. We know all about you and Miss Holt's gang.

You're outside my door eavesdropping, huh?

Oh, don't think of it as eavesdropping.

Think of it as spawning.

We'll talk about that later, little boat peep.

Right now, come over here. For your information, I told Julie everything

went on between me and Miss Holsky.

Julie,

Epstein was outside the door. I want you to tell her exactly what you heard.

Every detail, the truth. Go ahead.

Well, it all started with this highly expressive drawing I drew in art class.

Forget about that drawing!

Miss Holtzgang told Mr. Carter she loved him.

And then he said he hoped there wouldn't be a garbage strike.

And she said she loved him again, and he said he hoped there wouldn't be a

garbage strike again.

And she kissed him.

And, uh... That's

when I left.

20 minutes later, she came downstairs.

What?

Julie, I'm sorry. I forgot about the kiss.

You forgot about the kiss.

Is there anything else you forgot, like homework at her place?

Guys, I think you'd better leave. I'll see you tomorrow.

Look, Mr. Cotter, I never ratted on anybody, and you always told me the

would never hurt anybody, right?

Epstein is a time and a place for everything.

Yeah.

Okay, Mr. Cotter, we're going to leave.

But before we leave, you want us to make your bed on the fire escape?

Oh, Mrs. Cotter, I tried to break it up.

I used my over -21 lock and everything.

But she wouldn't buy it.

That Miss Holskam, she's a very cold person.

She'll drop them in a week.

Maybe even three days. Maybe even tomorrow she'll drop them.

Mrs. Carter!

Threaten us.

The same thing happened to Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

Only her husband, her husband came back.

Julie, I didn't tell you about the kiss because, one, it meant nothing to me.

Two, I knew it would put you in a chair staring at me like you are now, like I'm

some kind of criminal.

Julie, if you don't trust me, especially at a time like this in our lives,

then we're nowhere.

Oh, okay, honey.

I trust you. I'm sorry.

Not so chummy. See, I planned on being mad for at least another 15 minutes.

Can we eat first and have medical dessert?

Okay, I'll go check the garlic bread.

So, what color were our eyes?

Please, I got a class coming in five minutes. Don't worry, Gabe. This won't

long. I've been thinking about what I said to you yesterday, and I was wrong.

We were wrong.

We should have never started.

Who started?

Dr. C, it was just a crazy fling.

It wasn't a fling. It wasn't even a toss.

We were doomed from the start.

Don't ask me why.

Something you said.

Something I said.

Just... Well, what about all we meant

to each other?

We'll always have the memories, Gabe. That's what's important.

Take care of yourself, Mr. Carter.

the children yeah

she

dumped me hey come on boobie don't feel bad now yeah you still got us

i feel a lot better now

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Mabel who went to see this big, fancy

psychiatrist on Park Avenue?

No.

Go ahead.

Okay, she goes to this big, fancy psychiatrist on Park Avenue, she walks

door, and she sees two more doors.

Amazing. Isn't it amazing? One says consultant, the other one says analyst.

Well, which one does she go into? She goes into the one that says analyst.

Then as soon as she gets in there, she sees two more doors.

Yeah. You want to know what they say?

Sure, what do they say? One says with couch, and one says without couch.

Which one does she pick?

She goes into the one that says with couch. And as soon as she gets in there,

she sees two more doors.

One says really sick, and the other one says just kidding around.

Okay.

Which one does she pick?

Well, you know my family. She goes into one that says really sick. Yes. Okay.

And as soon as she gets in there, she sees two more doors.

One says income over $35 ,000 a year, and one says income under $35 ,000 a

She goes into one that says income under $35 ,000 a year, and she finds herself

back on Park Avenue.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always could find a friend.

Welcome back.