Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Why are you bending down?

Do you want the baby to be born with a bad back?

Hey, Vinny, Vinny, Vinny. Now, come on. You don't want to be late on the first

day of school, now do you? I can't go in there. I got left back.

Twins? Girls.

Girls game.

Twins. Mother and daughters are doing fine.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot cause

got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

That was the dullest story I ever heard.

So, it was...

You should be charged with P .B., premeditated dullness.

All right, caught it, clowns.

Teaching this class is about as much fun as root canal work.

I thought all the roots to your canal dried up a long time ago.

You see, Epstein, that statement is like your existence.

It has no meaning.

to your root and your canal was merely his little way of saying you look old

and dried up.

Sit down.

This is what I get for giving Connor the afternoon off to take his wife and

babies home from the hospital.

How long have you been Mr. Nice Guy? You know, why don't you let Barbarino back

in his class with the rest of us guys?

When Barbarino improves his grades, I'll let him take the makeup test. Until

then, he stays where he is.

What's the matter with you? You out of Geritol or what?

Oh, why didn't Carter let those babies take a cab home?

Yeah, yeah, look, I know this is not what you're used to, but it's going to

to do for now.

And no complaints or daddy will make you chip in for the rent.

Okay, all right, okay.

Julie, you okay? You look a little tired.

I am tired, honey. I don't know why, though. I had my usual week.

I did the laundry.

I picked up the cleaning.

I gave birth to twins.

Go ahead, sit down. Okay.

Okay, girls.

Now, you each got your own cribs.

When I was your age, I didn't have my own crib.

I want you to follow the rules.

Don't let anybody get near your safety pins on the first date.

Be home by 10 every night, and there'll be no trouble.

Honey, you know, we can't put this off any longer. We have been arguing for

months. What are we going to name the babies?

Well, what's wrong with this one and that one?

Too common.

Come on, we've got to agree on something and just do it.

Well, you didn't like my last suggestions, Ethel and Lucy.

Yeah, that's a great idea. And then I'll call you Ricky and you can call me

Fred.

Let's just, let's name one after your mother, one after my mother.

Now, that's a good idea.

Okay, you can be Mrs. Cotter, and you can be Mrs. Hanson.

What's wrong with Rachel and Robin?

There's your answer.

What's your matter?

What's your matter with you now? Look at Daddy.

Look at silly Daddy.

We had five uninterrupted minutes.

I'm surprised you remember my name.

Come in.

So, these are the babies, huh?

They're cute.

You know, I didn't know. I was really not a very good -looking baby. I really

wasn't. I had the kind of face you had to grow into.

Makes perfect sense.

Yeah, I mean, it's the old grow into your face syndrome.

Thanks for complimenting the babies.

Yeah, well, that's enough talk about your babies. I mean, they're beautiful

kids, and everything worked out terrific, just like I told you it would,

it? Nice day, the sun is shining, right?

People in Montana, they're making milk.

People in Switzerland, they're making cheese, which is very nice.

People in Paris are making love, which is also very nice.

But nobody, nobody cares about Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie, if you were making love in Paris, would you be caring about Vinnie

Barbarino?

Well, you've got a point there, but that don't excuse the people in Montana or

Switzerland.

Vinnie, listen, I'll try and do what I can with Woodman, but you're going to

have to let us get settled first, okay?

We'll see you later.

All right, look, I'm going to sound poor. It's all in my life, right?

Goodbye, babies.

Bye.

I have to make Woodman give him the makeup test, huh?

Here you go, Gary. Daddy's back.

Look at Daddy.

Go away.

Nobody's home.

Look, Vinnie, I told you I'd do something about it. Now go.

You were the sweat hogs.

That's my students, Bob and Reno. Why didn't you call and tell us you were

coming? Did you think we'd leave our little girl alone with two brand new

babies? I was never keen about leaving her alone with you.

So these are the little angels.

Oh, looky there, Mama.

They have your eyes.

Oh, and your nose, Papa.

See any of me in there a little bit?

Yes, I do, but let's hope they'll grow out of it.

I'm so proud of you. You did a wonderful job.

Oh, thanks, but Gabe had a little to do with it, too.

Really?

ever changes in rural Nebraska.

Maybe something exciting happened like the rooster overslept.

Oh, hey, that's a good one, Gabe.

By golly, I'm starved. Let's eat.

I'm sorry, but we weren't prepared.

We sure did bring you the very finest.

Yes, there's baby peas, young lima beans, and tender golden niblets.

Baby peas, young lima beans, and tender golden niblets.

Ho, ho.

Are they twins?

Oh, Mr.

Carter, are they fraternal or identical?

Well, when they grow up, we're going to let them make up their own minds.

Shh.

Are they staying for dinner, too?

No!

Well, the eyes have it.

They're going to do like we do on the farm. If you want to eat, you've got to

help. So that means you've got to shell the peas and you've got to fetch the

water and you, you've got to shuck the corn.

Well, how about if he shucks the water and I fetch the corn?

Yeah, Epstein was always better at fetching than shucking.

Are you really a farmer?

I sure am. I got a dozen goats back on the farm that call me boss.

Have you ever been to a locust plague?

Julie, you know, I really like your parents, but it's going to be very

around here. They're going to go to hotel, aren't they?

Hotel? I wouldn't think of it. We're all going to pitch in together while

there's too much to do around here.

Feeding the young ones, wrassling up grub, and...

Keeping the corn fresh.

Now I know why John Boy left the Waltons.

Nebraska State Fair.

All right, look guys, you gotta help me, I got a problem.

Oh, Mr. Carter, this is wonderful.

You coming to us for help.

First, pass your homework to the left.

All right, listen, my in -laws have been in my house now for five days. I mean,

I like them, they're nice people, but I can't do anything.

I can't get near my babies. I can't get near my wife.

I'm sleeping on a fire escape.

I can't take it anymore.

It's driving me crazy.

Okay,

Carter, you got it.

About what?

Don't worry.

It'll be taken care of.

have this friend in the Bronx.

He owes us a favor.

I just want them to leave.

They will.

Permanently.

All right, we're just not kidding around.

I just want to get him out of my house and back to Nebraska.

Then, Mr. Carter, you must be kind and gentle.

and dignified, and tactfully tell them to get out.

Don't do that, Arnold. They're my wife's parents. Oh, come on, Mr. Carter.

Pretend that I'm your father -in -law.

It's a little bit of a stretch, isn't it?

Mr.

Hanson, I really appreciate you and Mama coming out here, I mean, to help us in

our time of need, but I think that Julie and I are capable of handling it by

ourselves now.

So we'd really like to thank you for coming, and you can go.

Wouldn't think of it, Dave.

You're right, it's not going to work. It's not.

Hey, Mr. Conte, man, you know what you do, man? You got to get down with it.

know what I'm talking about, man? I mean, you got to be hip.

You got to be clever. I mean, they ain't going to expect that from you.

Try it.

Okay, just check it out. Just check me out. I'm going to show you how it's

supposed to be done, right? This is how you got to handle it with them people.

All right, daddy -in -law and mommy -in -law, I want you all to go away today

because me and my old lady are going to play soon.

Yay.

You don't seriously expect me to do that.

No.

Look here, Mr. Carter.

You just listen to old Juan Epstein.

What you got to do is, you got to go for the throat, see?

And then, and then you drive him into the ground, see?

And then you make him eat it. You show him no mercy.

And then if that don't work, then you just got to get rough with him.

Ah, Juan Epstein's always right.

Maybe I should get tough.

broccoli at the airport?

They're going back to Nebraska.

Why? Because they live there.

They left?

Uh -huh.

Well, how come they didn't say goodbye to me?

They were on standby for three days. They finally got a flight out. They had

take it.

Really? Yeah.

Here, they left a note for you.

Dear Gabe, hope you don't mind the imposition.

For a city boy, you're not bad.

Thoughtful, generous, and the best husband we could wish for our daughter,

Julie. Love and kisses, Mom and Dad.

That's nice. Yeah.

You know what's nicer?

What? I don't have to sleep on the fire escape.

Oh.

Coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming. Coming.

Oh. You did it, huh? You drove them out of here?

Mission accomplished.

Well, guys, man's got to do what a man's got to do.

Thank you for your help.

You know, we really would love to ask you to stay, but the old man and I would

like to spend just a little time alone.

You understand, don't you?

Yeah, but before we split, we just want to give the baby's day's presents.

Oh, you got the...

You didn't have to do that, guys.

I told you we didn't have to do that.

Hi, there.

Hi, baby. Hi, hi.

Welcome to Earth.

I'm Uncle Freddy.

Got you a nice little present here, and I hope it fits.

you get these hats?

Oh, them hats, oh, they used to belong to my brother Leroy.

He had them ever since he was born. He was a very flashy baby.

So he used to wear this one during the week, and this one was for Sundays.

I, too, have a little gift for the little babies, Mrs. Carter.

This was my rocking horse.

I think I could part with it now.

Got a little something here from old Juan Epstein.

Yeah, yeah,

this here's my sister's

old tiny Tim doll.

But you got to be careful, see, because she don't cry anymore.

She just leaks.

Thank you very much, Juan.

Thank you, guys. Really, it's really nice of you.

Hey, Mr. Cartier, we're going to be splitting, shoving off, you know? Check

all out later on, babies.

Hey, thanks for your presence, huh?

Don't do anything funny in front of the babies.

Bye -bye.

I don't believe it. We're alone at last.

Yep, just the four of us.

Just think of it, Julie, a whole night.

It was nothing to do but feed the babies.

Yeah.

No. You don't think it could be your parents? Oh, no.

I mean, the flight couldn't have been canceled, could it? I mean, overbooked?

Nebraska's not closed on Thursdays, is it?

What are you doing here?

I just came by to offer my condolences to your daughters on their choice of

father.

Brought you this.

Oh, thanks. You didn't have to do that.

I know. I'm just an old softy. Well, you don't have to open it now. It's just a

little something I picked up last winter at a vice principal's convention.

So these are the babies.

No, no, that's the laundry. The babies are in a hamper.

Hiya, babies.

Goo, goo, goo, goo.

I love babies, Scott. I just love them. Can I pick one up, Julie?

Do you know how?

Of course, I never told you this, but during the Second World War, I was a

nurse's aide.

Okay, Mr. Woman.

Here we go, but be very careful.

Here's Uncle Woody.

I love babies, Carter.

Just love them.

Mr. Woodman, thanks for the gifts you gave the babies. That really wasn't

necessary.

Why not, Carter?

I'm a classy guy.

Hey, would you like to be a really classy guy and give their father a

too?

You want a puka shell rattle, too?

No, I'd like you to give Vinnie a makeup test.

All right, but if he fails by one point, he stays in the 10th grade.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Woodman. I really appreciate it.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my uncle who spent three years in the 10th grade?

Carter, I'll buy gifts for your babies.

I'll even let Barbarino take a makeup test.

But I will not, absolutely not, listen to one of your uncle jokes.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back,

welcome back, welcome back.