Original subtitles

On the last episode of Welcome Back, Connor.

Okay, your contractions start, you time them. When they're four minutes apart,

you call me.

If your water breaks, don't touch the toaster.

Hey, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie. Now, come on, you don't want to be late on the

first day of school, now do you? I can't go in there, I got left back.

hospital one night haven't you noticed that i've put on a little weight lately

yeah that's an account you know yeah you ready to do that right now

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Jack here, where we need ya. Jack here.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Now look, you don't worry about nothing, alright?

I'm going to take care of everything here. You just go have your baby and

alright? Okay, thanks Vinny.

Name?

Vinny Barbrino.

Barbrino Vinny.

And the mother's name?

The mother's name?

Maria Teresa Angelina Barbrino.

And her age?

Oh, it should say 38, but you better put down 40, right?

Okay, and what month is this for her?

What month is this for her?

The same month that it is for you and me.

No, no, no. I mean, how many months has mother been pregnant?

Who said my mother was pregnant?

Take a space.

My mother ain't been pregnant since she had me.

Then she figured why Tampa would success.

I'm not talking about your mother, Mr.

Barbarino. Well, you better not talk about my mother.

Mr. Barbarino, would you mind if we just started at the beginning?

All right, the beginning. All right, this is what happened, right?

Mr. Woodman leads me back, right? Because I missed the test.

That I was supposed to make up. All right, so I get upset. I go to Mr.

say, help me, right? So he says, I can't help you, Vinnie. So I go to Mrs.

Carter. Mr.

Carter, I'll hold it. Time out.

I would just like the name of the pregnant woman that was wheeled down the

a few moments ago.

That's who I was getting to. That's Mrs. Carter. That's all part of the story. I

was going to tell you.

Splendid.

Mrs.

Carter? Mrs. Carter, yeah.

And who is Mr. Carter?

That's my teacher.

What? All right, he's my ex -teacher now.

Well, given what you've done, I'm not surprised.

Excuse me.

I'm Mr. Carter.

I know who you are.

Now, Mr.

Carter, I know how you and your associates here must feel, but please,

trouble. I mean, these things are best handled within the law.

What are you talking about? I don't care what you're talking about. Where's my

wife? Well, she's in a labor room.

Labor room?

They're making her work at a time like...

Where's the labor room?

It's down the hall that way. Thank you.

Hi there.

This must be your first.

My first what?

First baby.

Baby? Hey, come on now. Little Arnold here just reached puberty.

Yeah, it happened a week ago while I was watching American Bandstand.

My voice suddenly changed from ooh, ooh, ooh to ooh, ooh, ooh.

This kid's stuff is a snap.

This is my eighth.

Eighth, yeah.

what it's like to be a grown -up.

Julie.

Julie, you okay?

Uh -huh, fine.

You don't sound so fine.

This is no time to be doing Arnold Horschak imitations.

What's up?

Look, you sure this natural childbirth thing is a good idea? Of course it's a

good idea.

I don't know. I mean, you know, it's still not too late to change your mind.

What do you think?

Then do what?

Have an unnatural childbirth?

It's not too late. If you want an anesthetic, you know, they'll give you

you can't use it, they'll give it to me.

Honey, relax.

I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm just a little tense.

It's okay.

You know, it takes a strong man to be this open and sensitive.

It does?

Mm -hmm.

And I can really feel your love, honey.

You can?

Yeah. You're going to be a wonderful father.

Oh, thank you, honey.

It was really sweet of you to say that.

Mm -hmm.

Now, can you say it one more time about the strong and sensitive? And this time

I want you to... Now, now, now. That's how we got here in the first place.

Well, now then, let's see how we're doing here.

Incidentally, Julie, did I ever tell you?

Gabe was one of the first babies I ever delivered. Yeah, but don't worry, I'm a

lot better at it now.

Oh, we're getting closer. Don't go away, I'll be right back.

Hi there.

May I mind if I come in? No, I'm sorry, but this is only for members of the

immediate family.

It's okay, doctor.

See, I'm the cousin they don't talk about.

See, I'm the

white sheep of the family.

Oh, a kidder.

It's all right. I like a kidder.

Freddie, I think you better wait outside.

No, no, it's okay. Come on in, Freddie.

Oh, this ain't going to take long because I know you all got a lot of

do.

This is from all of the guys to you, Mrs. Cotter.

Thank you, Freddie. How nice.

It was really nice of you. I think nothing of it. Honey, why don't you read

card? The card? Wait, what card? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't

the card.

Dear Manny, good luck with your kidney stone.

I mean, a guy doesn't need flowers just because his kidneys got stoned.

See you later, Freddy.

Yeah, see you later.

Oh, you're going, huh?

White sheep.

So long, kiddo.

Well, boy and girl, let's go have a baby.

All right, be very careful, guys. This is the only wife I have, all right?

worry.

Don't worry, we haven't dropped anyone all day.

Is this your first time? Yeah, it is.

Oh, my God.

Our first baby.

We're really going through with it.

You know something, honey?

I'm a little scared.

Don't worry, Julie. Everything's going to be fine.

Hey, did I ever tell you the story about the... man who loved his wife very

much?

Yeah, I like that one.

I'm glad to say I know it.

Are you crying?

No.

I just had an onion sandwich.

Julie, I love you very much.

I'll see you later.

You'll see us later.

Hey, nurse, I want to make a complaint about this here vending machine.

Did you use the correct change?

Yeah, I just lost a good dime slug and nickel slug.

Why did I ever leave intensive care? It was always so nice and quiet there.

I bet you like that, huh?

Anybody gives you any trouble, you just pull the old plug on them.

Here's another vending machine in the lobby.

Oh, and if that one doesn't work, why don't you try our sister hospital in

Burma?

Hey, Vinnie, how do we get to Burma?

Burma? Yep.

You see now, how you get to Burma, I know that. What? You see, you got to

the D train to the Bronx.

And transfer there.

Or maybe it's the A train.

I forget. I used to know that, but I forget.

Oh, you guys, aren't you all excited?

Excited? Why? Did you see a cute nurse or what?

I love those white stockings. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm seeing.

That number with the flowers, that went over pretty big. Yep, yep.

Hey, why don't you check in with that dude, Manny? You know that guy with them

stone kidneys?

I think somebody sent him some chocolate turtles. Yeah, yeah.

That's a good idea. I mean, he doesn't need that junk anyway. You know, the

sugar rots you out inside.

Hey, Arnold, let's go to the lobby, huh?

Let's all go to the lobby.

Let's all go to the lobby.

Let's all go to the lobby.

Wait, those guys go to the lobby?

Yeah, how you doing?

Okay, okay.

Thanks for coming, Freddie. Benny?

Hey, what's with that guy over there?

I think he OD'd on fatherhood.

Look, I got to talk to you in private, like, all right? No problem.

All right.

Look, let me talk to you.

I'm really glad about what happened, you know, Mr. Scott and everything. It's

all really turned out cool and everything, right? Thanks a lot. That's

But there are more important things going on in life, too, you know?

Like me getting left back. I mean, it's a big problem.

Vinnie, you really think I can concentrate on anything else other than

going on in that delivery room?

Look, now, the chances are that Mrs. Carr's going to come out of that

room, right?

But I'm not so sure about the chance of me getting out of 10th grade.

Vinnie, I promise you, you'll get out of the 10th grade, okay?

Well, there he is.

A man who was about to spend his entire life in the 10th grade.

Hey, Vinnie, Vinnie, my man, don't worry about it. Let's go down to the nurse's

lounge.

Maybe they'll let you donate your body.

That's a good idea. Get my mind off the situation.

Yeah. Don't tell them I got left back, right?

Okay.

They're going to the lobby.

What are you doing here, Mr. Woodman?

I guess I'm sort of a sentimental potter. I like to be around when a new

delinquent is brought into the world.

Ah, come on, Mr. Woodman. Admit it. You're here because you care.

You keep this up and I'll leave.

I didn't plan to come here. I was passing by.

My bus suddenly caught fire.

I ran for my life and don't ask me how I found myself here.

Thanks for coming, Mr. Williams.

So, uh... How's it doing, guy?

Really fine.

I'm, uh, so -so.

Well, remember, Gabe, there's nothing to worry about. I've had a little

experience with this sort of thing.

You?

Yeah, I got a girl in trouble once.

You got a girl in trouble?

Well, sort of.

I was going with a strange girl named Eunice Tishman.

She was convinced that one of her legs was shorter than the other.

But she was fun.

Every day after school, we'd go shopping for shoes.

Mr. Woodman, this sounds like it's going to be worse than one of my stories.

No, it's not that bad, Carter.

No, it's got a big finish.

Now, one day, Eunice and I found this all -night shoe store.

There was only one salesman.

Now, try to picture this in your mind.

A lonely guy.

Nothing to do between midnight and 7 a .m., but buff wedgies.

your average guy.

Neither are you, Mr. Woodman.

Let me tell you, he knew feet.

Right away he spots Eunice as one of his own people. He lets her try on every

shoe in that place.

Pumps, sandals, keds, the works.

And he convinces her her legs are the same size.

Where is this story going, Mr. Woodman?

Hang in there, Carter. I'm bringing it home.

Naturally, Eunice falls mainly in love with this guy.

Even though he's older, with higher arches.

And now, are you ready for this?

They ran off together to a shoe convention in Salt Lake City.

Yeah?

They ran off together to a shoe convention in Salt Lake City.

Well, I don't understand. How did you get her in trouble?

Carter, don't you get it? I'm the one who took her to the shoe store in the

first place.

Mr.

Woodman, over the years we haven't been close, but I want to give you some

advice as a friend.

Never tell that story again.

place, Mr. Carter.

We just took Arnold up to plastic surgery for an estimate.

And Mr. Woodman, what are you doing in the hospital?

I like the food.

Oh, here they are. Here they are. They're the ones that left me back.

Go operate on them.

Hey, Vinnie, my man, these are student nurses, not surgeons.

No, that's better that way. That way when they operate, they don't know what

they're doing.

Listen, talk it, clowns. Show some respect. Mrs. Carter's having a baby.

Hey, look, you show respect your way, we'll show respect our way, all right?

All right, guys, come on, cut it out. Otherwise, we'll have Mr. Woodman tell

a shoe story.

Let's go, come on. Epstein, Horschak, put the wheelchair back.

Washington, Barbarino, put the girls back.

Let the girls go back to their jobs.

Yeah, I'll catch you after work, baby.

All right. Wear those white stockings, too.

Let's not make a circus out of this, okay?

Hey, relax, Mr. Carter. There's nothing to have in this baby stuff.

Come on, now. My mother's had ten of them.

Really? That's right.

Most of them are normal.

Except for my brother, Sanchez. But, uh, hey, look, these things happen, you

know? At least they let him come home every Christmas.

There ain't no problem here, you know that. I mean, if it's ugly, we just

babies.

Vinny, look, it's very simple. You tiptoe into the baby room and you take

ugly baby out.

I'm going in there. I'm telling you. Mr. Cotto.

What? Allow me to put your fears to rest.

We are all here to witness a miracle.

The miracle of birth. And Mr. Cotto, miracles cannot be rushed.

Look, Arnold, I am... Arnold,

what you just said.

It was beautiful. It made a lot of sense.

Of course.

Births cannot be rushed.

For example, first, the stork has to be notified.

I'm going in there.

Five minutes. Five minutes.

You've got five minutes. My boy, congratulations.

What? You're the father of a bouncing big one.

What? Sit tight.

He didn't say what was bouncing.

Wait, wait, wait.

He didn't say what was bouncing.

Why would he come in here and say something was bouncing?

What's bouncing? Am I the father of a boy or what? What's going on?

Bouncing. That's all he said. Bouncing.

Why didn't he say what was bouncing?

What? What's bouncing? Gabe, make that bouncing bay bees.

Bouncing here, bouncing there, bouncing everywhere.

Bouncing everywhere.

You

okay?

I'm fine.

Have a cigar.

Thanks.

Twins.

I always was an overachiever.

I don't understand, honey. Don't they usually know about things like that?

Yeah, they do.

One of them was hiding.

I love you, honey.

I have a couple of visitors who want to see you.

Oh, I don't think right now.

I think these two will be okay.

And he doesn't.

He's talking to me.

What's he saying?

He's saying, who is this masked man?

That's no masked man. That's your father.

Next on Welcome Back, Potter.

Okay, here we go, girls.

I know it's not what you're used to, but it's going to have to do for now.

And no complaints or Daddy will make you chip in for the rent.

Okay, I'll tell you what. I promise, as soon as we get settled, I'll talk to Mr.

Woodman and I'll get him to give you the makeup test, okay?

But leave us alone for a while, all right?

Go away!

Nobody's home!

Nobody's home, then that's enough!

We brought you the finest of everything.

We have baby peas, young lima beans, and tender golden niblets.

I just want them to leave.

Don't worry.

It'll be taken care of.

I can't take it anymore.

Strive me.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who would have thought they'd lead you?

Who would have thought they'd lead you? Back here where we need you. Back here.

We need you.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot. Welcome back.