Original subtitles

I'll see you in a week, Julie.

Bye -bye, honey. Bye, baby.

Have a good trip. Thank you.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle, Hey Bibb Cotter?

Hey Bibb Cotter.

No. Well, old Uncle Hey Bibb was a traveling salesman. He worked at the

company for 30 years, and he never got a promotion.

How do you like that?

So one day he figured, why don't I get a promotion? He went into the boss and

said, look, boss, I've been working here for 30 years. I want a promotion.

The boss said, I can't do that, Habib. You're just not bright enough.

He said, what do you mean I'm not bright enough? The boss said, here, I'll prove

it to you.

Puts his hand against the wall. He said, Habib, hit my hand.

Habib takes a swing at his hand. The boss pulls the hand away, and Habib hits

the wall.

See? You're not bright enough. You didn't know he was going to do that.

So Habib walks out of the office a little dejected.

Another salesman says, did you ask him for the raise?

Habib says, yeah, I asked him for the raise.

Well, what happened?

He wouldn't give it to me. He said I wasn't bright enough.

What does he mean, you're not bright enough? And Habib says, well, he proved

to me.

The boss says, how did he prove it?

Hey, Mrs., watch this. I'll prove it to you. Hit my hand.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we

him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

You can tell the two teachers ain't here yet, huh? Yeah.

You know, I love it when Mr. Carter goes on those teacher conventions.

It's terrific.

Gives my brain a chance to rest.

Just think, Mr.

Carter is way up in Albany learning all kinds of new teaching techniques.

Yeah, too bad he has to waste them on us, huh?

Yeah.

I wonder how come Mr. Carter went up there without Mr. Carter.

Well... Maybe it's because Mrs. Carter is with child and they can't afford

-fifths.

No, it's got nothing to do with that.

Pregnant people ain't supposed to travel. I think it's against the law or

something.

Look at this. Look at this. I've got a bike.

Great.

Now catch some tartar sauce. We're going to have lunch.

These are those wonderful, well -behaved children I told you about.

Is he in the right place?

Children, this is your substitute teacher, Mr.

Overly.

Overly what?

Maybe they should be calling you.

You see, Mr. Overly, they've accepted you already. They love to make their

little jokes.

Oh, yes.

But why are they called sweat hogs?

Well, that's cute.

Don't you recognize a term of endearment when you hear one?

You just start your lesson there, eager to learn.

Good to have you here at Buchanan, Overly.

You all look like a nice bunch of kids.

Reasonable.

Eager to learn.

Wealthy.

I'm sorry, little one, but I for one am going to miss Mr. Overly. Yeah, well,

I've never seen a grown man cry like that before.

I don't see why Mr. Overly was so upset when we was just pulling his leg.

Well, maybe it was too much when we pulled the other one and made a wish.

I was afraid of that.

Come in, come in.

Hey, Miss Cartier, you shouldn't be carrying these heavy bags in your

It's okay, Freddie, really. You're supposed to carry heavy things. It keeps

muscles toned.

Oh, good. You want to carry my books?

Now we'll have none of that, Vincent.

Mrs. Potter is with child.

Wait, I don't see no child.

Hey, Miss Cartier, you really should let us help you home with them bags.

Oh, no, guys, really. It's okay. I can manage. Nah, nah, nah. That's very, very

brave of you, Mrs. Carter. Very brave, but, uh, Mr. Carter would have wanted it

this way.

He's not dead, Juan.

All right, here, here. Come on. You take this one, and I'm gonna take this one

right here, huh? No, I don't like this bag. It's ugly.

Come on.

And you and Freddy switch. Fritz, switch them.

Come on, Freddy. I don't want to hold the milk. I want him to hold the chicken

parts. I hate the chicken parts.

I still got the eggs.

We could grow our own chicken pots.

Why don't you guys just put what's left of the groceries down on the counter?

You got it, babe.

There you go.

Well, thanks a lot, guys. I don't want to keep you any longer.

Oh.

Now, what have we here?

Oh, that's a sweater that I'm knitting for the baby.

Miss Katia.

He'd be fully grown before he fits into that.

Oh, well, I only learned how to knit one -size sweater.

I figure when I'm done with it, I'll just throw it in the washing machine.

Can you put a new baby like that in the washing machine?

Well, it's been a really nice visit, and I want to thank you guys for helping

me.

Now, look, Mrs. Carter, we know what you're going through.

You may not believe this, but all of our mothers have been pregnant.

Not my mother.

She's a saint.

One day, she woke up, and there I was.

And then it was these three wise men. They all came with gifts.

It was a waffle iron, a toaster, and a Donald Duck nightlight.

Catching up on all reading, Mrs. Carter?

Oh, they're all baby books.

Oh, how nice.

The kid will have something to read.

Oh, he's got pictures.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't look like no stalk to me.

so dumb. I can't believe it.

Storks don't bring babies no more.

They used to years ago.

But then they started making mistakes.

Bringing them to the wrong houses and whatnot.

So they fired the storks.

Now they get ladies to have babies.

Less trouble, more fun.

believe that story?

Not for a second.

I do.

Thank you, Vinnie. You have saved me hours of useless reading.

Hey, Mrs. Cotter, what is this?

The Lamaze.

Is that some kind of new car?

No, Juan, that's a method of natural childbirth.

You see, if we use this method, I'll be awake during the whole thing, and Mr.

Cotter will be there to help me.

Well, what's he going to do?

Tell you jokes?

No, Fred, you see, he'll just help.

The doctor will be there.

He better. He's charging $800 for the delivery.

$800?

Hey, you should have the baby at my dry cleaners.

He has free deliveries.

Well, listen, I would really love to sit here all day and swap prenatal

experiences with you guys.

I'd like to oblige, Mrs. Carter, but it's been so long since before I was

I've forgotten almost all of it.

Let me put it to you this way.

I'm a pregnant woman, right? Right. Right, okay.

Now, pregnant women have cravings.

Right, right, right.

I have a craving.

Pickle?

Privacy. Oh, Mrs.

Carter, we only came here to help. You see, I feel that the next few years of

your pregnancy is going to be very difficult.

I'll make a deal with you, Arnold.

If this pregnancy goes beyond two years, I'll call for your help.

Wait, now, Mrs. Carter, now, don't go getting all upset, all right? Okay, now,

you're going to be a mother, right? Okay.

But don't worry.

You're going to get better.

Will you stop treating pregnancy like it's some sort of disease?

Well, my mother thinks it is.

She's been pregnant eight times. That's right, you count them, eight times.

She's taking to wearing garlic now.

I think it's working.

Now my father, he sleeps up on the roof.

Will you guys just leave me alone?

Hey, I think she's getting delirious. You got a fever? I am not delirious, and

don't have a fever.

Are you sure? Your face looks kind of red, you know.

Look, I would just like to be by myself. I'm tired.

I would like to take a nap and be alone.

Is it too much for me to ask to be alone in my own apartment?

Take it easy.

Hey, Mr.

Carter, look, if you want to call me, I'll be at Debbie's, all right?

If I ain't at Debbie's, I'm at Sharon's.

If I ain't at Sharon's, I'm at home.

But if I'm home, don't call me because I'm depressed.

Get out!

What are you talking about?

Come on, why should Mrs. Cotter be mad at us?

Okay, all right.

Let me ask you something, Vinnie. Now, suppose your wife was going to have a

baby. I ain't married. Well, it doesn't matter.

Maybe it matters to her.

Come on.

Come on, just pretend.

Well, you don't know my wife.

It's an example, all right? You ain't got no wife.

Well, wait till she hears about this.

It's an example, all right?

Okay, now suppose your wife was going to have the baby, all right? And four guys

came over and got her so mad that she turned red and threw them out the

apartment. Now, you tell me.

What would you do?

Who are those four guys that kill them?

So now what are we going to do?

I'm going to put my head in Epstein's locker.

Okay, but hold your breath. It's murder in there.

All right?

Now, we've got to do something to make it up to her. Now, let's think about

this. What would a young, expectant mother want?

A husband.

Mr. Carter is the husband.

Oh, well, we'll get a better one.

More closet space?

It's obvious.

A party.

Hey, I was going to say that. I was going to say party. I was going to say

closet space.

Hey, you know, little Juan's got a great idea.

We'll have a surprise party. Oh, it'll be wonderful.

We can hang streamers from the rafters. Oh, Mrs. Potter and the baby will love

it. Yeah, but the baby ain't here yet. So we keep the party going until the kid

shows up.

Thanks to you, Mr. Overly won't be with us today.

He called.

Something about entering a monastery.

Try to take it easier on today's victim. He's got a family.

I didn't produce you, but I don't know how long you'll be here.

Look, guys, I don't want any trouble. I'm a married man, and I'm just trying

earn a few extra bucks.

I got two kids.

Two

kids,

huh?

They're gonna miss you.

Now it's like he's pretending to give us these keys.

Yeah. You know what? We've got to do something nice for him.

Like remember to let him out of the boiler room when we leave.

Now, come on, let's get busy. No telling when she's going to be back. Hey, guys,

it's going to be terrific. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's get going. Porsche, do the dishes.

Epstein, vacuum.

Got you, Vinnie. You dust.

Okay, but I don't do windows.

What are you going to do, Vinnie? I'm doing the refrigerator.

Being in charge gets me hungry, you know?

Hey, look at this.

Mrs. Crowder's got real taste in she's been pregnant.

She's got liverwurst.

She's got root beer. Hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie, Boobie. You can help us out by making the bed. There's some clean

it looks like right over there, okay? Yeah, that's a good idea.

Can't wait to yell surprise.

If you shut your mouth off and turn this on.

Come on, I was just practicing. That's all. I'm just practicing.

Oh, what a shame.

At such an early age to suffer from dishpan hands.

Hey! Hey, I can really see myself.

There's me and Mrs. Olsen and Mr.

Whipple.

If that's the way things work, no wonder a woman's work is never done.

We're being attacked by Lawrence Welk!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

You

know,

we're doing the work of three guys here.

Moe, Larry, and Curly.

Kind of messy, don't it?

You think she'll notice?

Surprise!

I don't believe it.

I go out for ten minutes and I come back to a disaster movie.

What are you guys...

a surprise party.

By the time you get done cleaning this mess up, it's going to be a graduation

party.

Have to admit, you were very thorough.

Look, Mrs. Carter, we really wanted to make it up to you for making you so

about what we did to you the other day.

Yeah.

Well, you made me forget about that, okay?

Well, would it help if we said that we were sorry?

I guess not.

I guess it would probably help if we just took off and split.

But we are sorry.

I feel like a crumb.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Gabe.

I feel like a dead crumb.

Lonely? How can I be lonely? I'm surrounded by sweat hogs.

What are they doing here?

Miss Katya, you let me explain.

Oh, okay. A woman in your condition shouldn't have to explain.

I'll take care of it. Okay.

Hi there.

Yeah, yeah, Miss Katya. Yeah, it's Freddy. Yeah, how you doing?

No, no, no, no.

No, no.

No, you see, we was just giving Miss Katya some tips on housecleaning. Right.

Can I talk to her? Yeah, and I want to say something to you. Okay.

Hello, big buckaroo. Can you hear me?

Yeah. Oh, you'd be very proud of all of us.

Yes. Oh, one of your little friends wants to say hello.

Hello there.

Juan Epstein here.

And we want to let you know we got the place really ship -shaped. Yes, sir.

telling the truth.

You wouldn't believe what they've done here.

Oh, I could never have done it myself.

I miss you too, honey.

Yeah, we miss you, honey.

Bye.

Oh, okay, honey.

Yeah, you hurry home.

I love you. Bye -bye.

Thank you for not spilling the beans.

It's about the only thing that hasn't been spilled in this apartment.

Look, it took a lot of good intention to ruin an apartment that well...

Where's my party?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Seren.

Seren. See, this is for you.

And this is for the little baby.

I think I'll just send it right down to him. All right.

Okay.

I've got another one out in the hall.

I'm going to try it again today.

Well, weird game of you.

here. Oh, Julie, I knew your husband was out of town, so I thought, well, I like

what you've done with it.

Sweathogs left three days ago. I'm still cleaning up.

Uh, you were saying? Yeah, well, I know Carter likes to tell you jokes, so I

figured I'd drop by and tell you the only joke I know. I mean, I only know

How thoughtful of you.

Yeah, well, anyway, it seems that there was this woman.

Well, why don't you make it a relative? You see, Gabe always makes it one of his

relatives.

I don't have any relatives.

Why don't you pretend?

Make it your Aunt Sophie.

All right, Aunt Sophie. Anyway, one day Aunt Sophie's walking down the street

with a child, right? And a man comes up to her and he says, Lady, that is the

ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life.

Well, Aunt Sophie gets very upset. She runs to a policeman, right? She tells

him, A man just made an insulting remark to me. The policeman says, Lady, calm

down. We'll go down to the station house, fill in a report, make you a nice

of coffee, might even find a banana for your monkey.

kid was really ugly you get it welcome

back

your dreams were your ticket out welcome back

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

We always could find a friend.

Welcome back.