Original subtitles

What are you drawing?

A picture of picture.

A picture of what?

A picture of you.

Well, let me see it. Wait, it's not finished.

I'll tell you a joke in the meantime, okay?

Do I have any choice?

No choice at all. Okay, tell me your joke.

I had an uncle. His name was Sidney, right?

Uh -huh. Big gambler, right? Uh -huh. One night he's sleeping, and he sees a

number five in his dreams. Number five.

Big, right? Okay. So he wakes up that morning. He says, wow, I had a

premonition. Goes to the track, right? Takes the fifth bus to the track. When

he's in the track, goes up to the fifth window. He bets $5 on number five.

What happened?

It worked.

Boss came in fifth.

Let me see it.

That's funnier than the joke.

Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out

Welcome back To that same old place that you laughed about

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around Who'd have thought

they'd lead ya Who'd have thought they'd lead ya Back here where we need ya Back

here where we need ya Yeah, we tease him a lot Cause we got him on the spot

Welcome back Welcome

I think Saturday would be great.

Okay, so we'll see you guys this weekend.

Terrific.

There's someone at the door. I got to go.

Okay, bye.

I just want to tell you that I really appreciate you taking your time out to

help me with my schoolwork.

Oh, thank you, Vinny. Okay, chapter six, World War II. I mean, how many teachers

would give up the whole evening just to help out a kid like me?

Not many. No?

Okay, World War II. I mean, it means so much to me.

Really. I mean, I figure you only go around once in your life, right?

So why go around 11th grade twice?

That's what I'm saying.

Vinny, enough.

Can we get started?

Oh, boy, look.

If you didn't want to help me with my homework, why didn't you just... V,

get to it, okay? World War II.

Why do we have World War II anyway? I mean, was the first one so popular?

It was like The Godfather. They had a sequel.

All right, now, how did it start?

Something about a horse's head being cut off.

No, no, I didn't see that.

All right, all right.

We'll take a different approach.

I want to know how much you can tell me about specific events. Now, what do you

know about D -Day?

D -Day is the day that I bring home my report card.

Hey, if that's the girl for me, just tell her I'm here, all right?

Well, wherever I go, they track me down, you know?

I don't know how they do it.

All I do is give them your phone number.

No, I'm sorry. Mrs. Carter isn't in.

Hey, you mind if I make myself a sandwich?

No, no, go ahead.

Oh, Dr. Mel Melman, how you doing? What do you got?

Excuse me a second.

We got salami, bologna, and tuna.

Hi. Wow, it's been a long time. How you been, doctor?

You gotta live worse.

Can you hold on a second?

We have salami, bologna, and tuna. That's it, Vinnie.

Look, uh, doc, I didn't know Julie was in to see you.

Hey, you know, a lot of people like liverwurst.

It's good for you.

My mother, she buys it for me all the time. Vinny, Vinny, I'm having an

important conversation with a doctor, okay?

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Hey, you ask that doctor. You ask him if liverwurst is good for you.

I'm going to tell you yes. Vinny, why don't you have a banana? Go ahead. Enjoy

yourself. That's a good idea.

Look, Doc, I mean, I'm Julie's husband. If something's wrong, I should know.

What? Well, how long has she got?

Seven months.

That's terrific, Doc.

Oh, okay, I'll see you. Thanks a lot.

Bye -bye.

Vinny, Julie's pregnant.

He's just good friends, you know?

Don't be ridiculous, Vinnie. I know who the father is.

Who?

Me!

Good.

Because you know what? What I was going to say was that if he wasn't, that could

put an awful strain on your marriage.

Boy, you know, it's hard to believe. Me, your father.

I know what you mean.

I've never been a father neither, you know?

But I worry about it all the time.

I can't wait to tell Julie.

She's going to be so excited.

You know, I'm happy.

But in a way, it makes me feel kind of old.

Well, you are kind of old.

Hi. Hi, honey.

I didn't expect you home so early.

Well, I know the bridge game broke up a little early.

We caught Candy Lieberman cheating. You know, she had three tricks hidden down

the front of her dress.

Well,

she needs all the help she can get.

You want some coffee?

Yeah, yeah, coffee. Vinnie? No, no.

Okay.

Vinnie. Vinnie.

Listen, uh, don't you have something to do tonight?

No, I got the whole night free.

Vinnie. I bet you're wondering what Dolores Delvecchio's doing tonight, huh?

I already know what she's doing. She's with Epstein.

Tuesday's his night.

Vinnie, I want to talk to Julie alone.

Well, look, if you wanted me to leave, why don't you just say, Hey, Vinnie,

leave.

Hey, Vinnie, leave.

Now, wasn't that simple?

Enough. Don't say anything to Julie, okay? I want to tell her. All right.

What about this World War II stuff?

Oh, yeah, World War II. I'll tell you the high point. We won.

Hey, Mrs. Carter.

What, Vinnie? If in the next couple of months you start to get real big...

Vinnie!

Just take it easy.

Real big, big cravings.

Buy some liverwurst.

A lot of people like it.

A lot of people eat it. Thanks, Vin.

You can put it on your crackers. Yeah, okay.

You can put it on sandwiches.

Or, if you're in a hurry, you can eat it right out of the tube.

How you

feeling?

Fine, honey.

You look a little pale.

Oh, it's probably from trying to help me study.

Oh.

Julie?

What?

I want you to sit down.

Thank you. I prefer standing.

Hey, I have something important to tell you.

Okay, honey.

It's really heavy, so I want you to make sure that you're ready for it.

If it's that we won World War II, I heard you tell Vinnie.

Julie, forget about World War II.

Okay. Now, be calm.

Don't get excited.

I'm pregnant.

No, I'm not.

No, we're not.

You're pregnant. Dr. Mel Melman just called.

You mean it's true?

I'm going to be a mother?

Right, and I'm going to be a father. Worked out just right.

Oh, boy.

You think it's safe for you to get so excited in your condition?

That's right.

My condition.

I have a condition all of a sudden.

I am actually pregnant.

But, Julie, I mean, we were always planning to have a baby.

I know, but not now. I mean...

This year, the most I was planning on was a new coat.

This is better than a new coat.

Won't go out of style.

You know, it was my fault.

See, I had this system.

Every morning, I'd go into the bathroom, and I'd brush my teeth, and I'd take my

little pill.

One morning, I forgot.

See what happens when you don't brush?

Julie, look, I'm excited.

Forget about excited. I'm ecstatic.

Honey, do you really think that I'm ready to be a mother?

I mean, I can't even remember to water the plants.

Well, don't worry about that.

The baby's going to water itself.

It's very funny, Dave.

We don't even know how to handle a baby.

I know how to handle babies.

I handle Arnold Horschach every day.

See, it's easier for you. You're good.

Julie, don't worry.

You're gonna be terrific.

You know what's gonna change our lives, Gabe? This apartment isn't big enough.

We'll get a bigger one.

Baby's a big responsibility, honey.

Julie... I think I know what the problem is. You're scared.

How do you know?

Because I'm scared too.

We'll be scared together.

Okay.

We won't be fat together.

Julie, pregnant women are beautiful.

You'll glow.

I don't know.

Spending a half hour trying to hoist myself out of a chair is not my idea of

glowing.

Oh, honey, you just don't understand. You're a man. You don't have to go

it.

No.

But I promise I'll watch.

So, come on, Arnold. How much money we got?

Keep your shirt on. I'm still counting.

So, what kind of present do we get a baby?

I don't know.

Let's throw him a party.

A party, Vinnie?

Yeah.

He's new in the neighborhood.

Give him a chance to meet people, make friends.

Come on, Vinnie. Babies don't have parties.

They do, too. They sit around, they drink milk, right?

And after a while, they burp up a lot.

I don't know.

Why don't we get the baby a savings bond?

On 89 cents?

Sure. In 10 years, it'll be worth $1 .14.

The kid will be set for life.

I wonder what they're going to name it.

Probably Carter.

You know, it's going to be nice having a little Carter running around here.

Probably 16 years from now, he's going to be going to school right here.

Yeah. He could sit next to me.

How you doing, guys? How are you? Oh, Mr.

Carter!

You big devil.

Congratulations. Benny told us the good news.

You big buckaroo.

Thanks a lot, Otto. Well, having a baby. Yeah.

Let's hope the baby's a missus.

Yeah, we wish you all the happiness in the world.

Yeah, that's right.

Even though the whole thing is kind of hard to believe.

What's so hard to believe about Julie and me having a baby? Well, you know, we

think of you as a teacher, not a person, you know?

That's right.

And it's hard for us to imagine a teacher doing stuff like that.

Well, they do.

At least he does.

So what's your preference, boy or girl?

You know, I haven't even thought about it. I don't really care.

Oh, before I was born, my mother said, oh, birth is a miracle.

I don't care what it is.

That's absolutely right.

And as the years go on and the miracle continues, people are still trying to

figure out what it is.

All right, guys, I think it's about time for everybody to go to class, huh?

No, I don't think it's time to go to class. What time did you get? Oh, no, I

plenty of time. How about yourself, Vin?

No, we prefer to be fashionably late.

Gentlemen, the old sundial in my head tells me that it's time to go into

Hey, look, if you want us to go to class, why don't you just say, hey,

to class.

Hey, guys, go to class.

Wasn't that simple?

Come on, let's go.

Oh,

Mr. Whitman!

Mr. Whitman, did you hear the happy news?

Mr. Carter is going to be a father.

Oh, good grief, Carter. This time you've gone too far.

Who is it? What's her name?

It's my wife.

Oh.

Thank heavens. What a relief.

Mr. Woodman, aren't you going to tell me you're happy for me?

Sure. Nice going, Carter.

You got the wife pregnant.

And the only way you're going to be able to support a family on your salary is

by holding up gas stations.

You're right. You know, there's one on Avenue West. I could be in and out in

about two minutes.

Mr. Woodman.

Do you have a myth not having any children?

No, Connor, I've got 2 ,000 kids right here who won't listen to me.

Don't you ever wish you could hear the patter of little feet around the house?

I've already got that. There are mice in my building.

You know, Mr. Women, I'm really happy about the baby, but it seems my wife

isn't as thrilled as I thought she'd be.

Well, if I were Julie, I wouldn't be too thrilled about having your baby either.

Oh, boy.

Oh, somehow I just don't feel like I'm glowing.

Oh, no.

Oh,

the lady -in -waiting.

Mrs. Potter, we're so happy for you.

So happy. Happy, happy.

this conversation.

Hey, Mrs. Conner, I bought you a little something for good luck, you know?

It's my brother Sanchez's baby booty.

We had it bronze.

Sanchez was a big baby.

And I just had big feet.

Well, thanks, Juan.

Now we won't have to buy a crib.

Just think.

Instead of tucking him in at night, we can just lace him in.

Hey, Mrs. Carter, where's that book you're reading?

Dr. Spock.

Dr. Spock? Hey, I'm a big Star Trek fan, too.

So, where is the little father?

I don't know.

I was just wondering the same thing myself.

Hey, Mr. Cotty, you still don't got no liverwurst?

I'm sorry, Vinnie, I just haven't been able to work up a craving for it yet.

Hey, ain't people in your condition supposed to get all kinds of strange

cravings? Well, when my mother was pregnant, she used to want hot peppers,

know?

Every day, hot peppers, hot peppers, hot peppers.

When we was born, the first thing we asked for was a glass of water.

I still have a little of my own gourmet lunch left over.

Let me... Yes, I do.

I've got bacon, lettuce, and Eskimo pie sandwich.

No. Oh, no, get out of here.

Arnold, give me that.

I'm not that pregnant.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Julie.

Hi, honey,

where you been?

Well, just walking around thinking.

Thinking? In this neighborhood?

What were you thinking about?

Getting mugged?

Haven't you guys got anything to do tonight?

How about you, little one? I got plenty of time.

You're in luck. We're free for the evening.

You know, I remember one of you telling me that there was something important

that you guys had to do tonight. No.

We thought that we would stay here with you and the little mother and celebrate.

I have a good memory.

Really good memory. And one of you guys told me this afternoon, we have

something important to do tonight.

Hey, look, if you want us to leave, just say, hey, guys, leave.

Hey, guys, leave.

See?

Wasn't that simple?

See you. See you tomorrow. I'm going to watch TV tonight.

They're thinking of giving the bionic woman bigger transistors.

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot.

I got me some tickets to the Jimmy Walker Film Festival.

That or that!

Then we'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, nothing's going to happen before then, is it?

Come with me.

At last, we are alone.

Yep.

Just the three of us.

Julie, I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking.

Wait a second, honey.

You know, while you were gone today, I was thinking, too.

And I was thinking, what if Gabe would just come to me and said, Hey, Julie,

let's have a baby.

You want to know what I would have answered?

I would have answered yes.

All you had to do was ask me.

Julie, would you like to have a baby?

Yes.

See? Wasn't that simple?

There's your baby.

It's not that simple.

Julie, the baby isn't something that you're doing for me, is it? I mean, it's

something you really want.

Yes, I want it very much.

Because I love you very much, honey.

I love you, too.

I hope the baby has your hair.

And your eyes.

And your smile.

But not your joke.

Hey, that's right.

There'll be somebody new around the house.

Somebody that hasn't heard any of my jokes.

I can tell them about my Uncle Ben. Then there's the one about my Uncle Mars. I

can tell them the one about my Uncle Edward. Here, read this. You have a lot

things to do.

Should be right back, Roscoe.

Boy, baby's gonna love you, Roscoe.

Did I ever tell you about my uncle who had a dog named... Yeah,

my uncle had a dog named Roscoe, right?

Goes into a bar, and he says to the bartender, my dog here, Roscoe, can

Well, what did the bartender say?

Well, the bartender said, that's ridiculous.

He says, well, I'll show you.

Roscoe, what's on top of the building?

Roscoe goes, roof.

Then he looks at Roscoe and says, Roscoe, who's the greatest ball player

time? And Roscoe goes, roof.

The bartender throws them both out.

They get on the street. Roscoe looks at my uncle and says, you think I should

have said DiMaggio?

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Yeah,

well, we need ya.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We all went to the spot of friends.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how it must have been.

And I know what it seems.

You are learning.