Original subtitles

Julie, you ever tell me about my uncle who was a skin diver?

No.

Go ahead, tell me about him.

His name was Mike Nelson Cotter.

Now, one day, he buys all this new equipment and decides to try it out,

So he goes down 20 feet into the ocean. Sees this guy come down 20 feet with no

equipment. So my uncle goes down 40 feet. He says, I'll show this guy. Guy

down 40 feet, no equipment.

My uncle can't believe it. Takes his little slate out. Says, what are you

down 40 feet with no equipment?

Guy grabs the slate, writes back, you jerk.

I'm drowning!

Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out

Welcome back To that same old place that you laughed about

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have

remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here where we need ya. We tease him a lot, cause we

him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

they were supposed to do last night?

Yeah, Mr. Carter. I did what I was supposed to do.

But then it was too late to do homework after she left.

Well, that's a bad guinea barberino.

You're bad.

Bad.

You're bad.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Let's hear it, Donald.

I did my homework, Mr. Carter.

Well, that's a good boy.

Isn't he a good Arnold Horschak?

But that Vincent Barbarino, he's bad.

You're bad.

Bad, bad, bad, bad.

Bad. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hold it. It's a cocktail.

Well, don't you tell Mr. Kyle to cool it.

You know what you are?

You're bad.

Just because my jokes aren't funny and they don't make...

such a good boy.

Isn't he a good boy?

All right, sit down, Epstein.

Hey, hey, hey, where you going?

I gotta go out and shave first.

I'll shave you.

Hey. Here, take this home, put it in the water, in three weeks you'll have a

full beard.

Sit down.

Okay, I have an announcement regarding extracurricular activities.

The answer's forget it. We ain't interested.

I didn't say what it was yet.

What is it, Mr. Cocktail?

It's about the school drama festival.

Forget it. We ain't interested.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Some of us would like to hear more.

Thank you, Arnold.

All we would have to do would be a scene from one play.

And I will volunteer to direct.

Acting is so dumb, you know it? Going around pretending you're somebody else.

Ridiculous.

Vinnie. Vinnie, what I want... walked in here, Epstein was acting. He was

pretending to be me.

So what?

Epstein does a lot of weird things.

Yes, that's true. I have just been informed that Epstein put Jell -O in the

bath yesterday to watch the birds bouncing.

We'll talk about that later, Epstein.

Okay, right now, who wants to take a crack at acting?

Oh, you want to see acting?

Arnold Horschak will show.

Oh, never have I seen such golden luck.

Indeed, it is the sun itself.

That's very good, Arnold. Golden luck? Was that from Shakespeare?

No, it's from Charlie's Angels.

better than that.

Hey, Mr. Cartier, remember that scene between Catherine Hepburn and Sidney

Poitier's in Guess Who's Out to Lunch?

That's Sidney Poitier. Right, Poitier.

Remember when Miss Hepburn said to Sidney, so you're planning to marry my

daughter. Well, that is a coincidence, for I am planning to marry Harry

Belafonte.

Watch this. I'll do something for you.

when you do that.

Do that again.

I call Clemenza.

Cuisine.

Provolone.

Spumoni.

And then we need a Clemson.

Who you doing?

Marlon Brando.

I was doing John Wayne.

Not this, Mr. Carter, but I am very seriously interested in our school play.

Hey, stop it, stop it, stop it.

I'm proud of you, Arnold.

You know, you'd be terrific in Cyrano de Bergerac.

Oh, yeah, wasn't he the guy with the mile -long nose?

Hey, Arnold, wait a minute. Don't worry, you know.

You know, if you get the part, maybe we can shorten yours.

Cyrano was much more than a big nose.

In fact, he was one of the greatest romantics in all of literature.

He used to hide behind the bushes just to talk to girls.

I got an uncle serving five to ten for doing that.

So come on, come on, Mr. Carter. Tell us more about this Cyrano person.

Well, Arnold, Cyrano was in love with a beautiful maiden named Roxanne.

But, alas, she was in love with someone else.

Oh, well, that's it, Mr. Carter.

It's the Arnold Horschak story.

Right. From this moment on, Cyrano de Bergerac shall be known as Cyrano de

Horschak.

Mr.

Woodman, I don't want to be on the same stage as a sweat hog.

I don't even want to be on the same planet as a sweat hog.

Well, do what I do.

When I'm in that classroom, I think of myself as a missionary among savages in

New Guinea.

I can almost hear the drums.

The water boiling in the giant pot.

And they grab me.

And they drag me over to their chief.

He has curly hair and a big mustache.

Starts to tell me a joke.

No, I beg them, please!

I was away for a while, but I'm back.

I'm sorry, Judy, but Principal Lazarus insists that we balance the

underachievers with an overachiever.

Carter, here's my Roxanne.

Oh, hi, Judy. Hi, Mr. Carter.

Where's your Cyrano?

Mr. Woodman, I have found a young man with the sensitivity of a poet, the

of a dancer, and the voice of a... I shall clap my hands three times...

voice of a wounded goat.

by a shish kebab.

Okay. Judy, Arnold will be playing opposite you.

I'd rather be stuck in a shopping cart and run through a car wash.

You know, Judy, Evil Knievel just called.

He wants to know if he can jump your mouth.

Okay, let's take it from Ah, the Fair Roxanne. Do it, Arnold.

a shadow and you are a gleam of light.

You have no idea what these moments mean to me.

And tonight, when I enter into the house of God, I shall have one thing...

Hey, Arnold!

Who are you supposed to be?

Florence of Arabia?

And tonight, when I enter into the house of God, I shall have...

I think he's wearing his grandmother's old pantaloons.

I shall have one thing unstained above all others, and that is

my white plume.

Hey, hey, come on, come on, cut it out, huh? I like the way he looks.

Hey, Arnold, would you like to go to the junior prom?

Greatest swordsman, all three.

rehearsal? We sweat hogs. It's our job.

Well, I for one do not welcome your presence.

I was just getting into my part.

I don't think they understand, Mr. Carter.

Hey, what's there to understand?

You look like you should be right in the middle of a Rothschild.

That's it, Mr. Carter.

Wait, wait. I got one more.

You know how sensitive actors are.

Just can't take a little destructive criticism, that's all.

Hey,

we looked everywhere, Mr. Cattell.

Didn't see Arnold no place all day.

Yeah. We called this house ten times. No one answered. How could you call this

house? He doesn't have a phone.

Oh, no wonder there was no answer.

Well, why didn't you go over there? Well, we did. We went over there, but

was home. So we went in through the window and watched a little TV.

I took a bath, and Vinnie made a sandwich. I don't believe you guys.

That's where he lives, not a Holiday Inn.

Your best friend is missing. What do you do?

You go where he lives and you raid his refrigerator.

Come on, I didn't raid his refrigerator. Vinnie raided the refrigerator.

I took a bath.

Personal hygiene, you know.

Hey, Mr. Cartier.

Hey, look.

We are real sorry on the way we came down to Arnold. I mean, we really are.

We had no idea how important this play really was to him.

Look, guys, it was important to him because he thought he was doing

for the sweat hogs.

Now you made me feel bad.

Yeah, me too. I feel real bad.

But at least I'm clean.

I guess that's it. I guess I better just go tell Woodman that we're out of it.

Unless... Unless... We can get somebody to substitute for Rorschach. All right.

Somebody suave.

Yeah. Somebody romantic. Oh, yeah.

Somebody Italian.

Somebody who has a flair for words.

Wood.

on stage in two hours for horseback. Now, wait a second. Now, wait a second.

Now, my client here, he can't work without a contract.

Oh, you're his agent. That's right. I represent him. Now, why don't you just

step into my office over here? We got to negotiate.

Now, what I'm talking about here, I'm talking about a house in Beverly Hills.

I'm talking about a pool.

I'm talking about a limo service. I'm talking about a maid named Esther.

Epstein, let's not haggle.

Here's the deal.

You go out and try to find Horshack, or I stuff you in your gym locker.

Hey, that sounds fair to me.

That's a good deal.

Okay, we don't have much time.

Here you go, Vinnie.

Stage 46, right over here.

Freddy, you can play Roxanne.

Me?

Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Cartier. Now, I know I'm a lot of things.

But the fairest flower of all friends, I ain't.

You've got to get to it. Here you go. Oh, come on, man. Now, you go up here.

You're on your balcony.

Now, this is where Cyrano goes to Roxanne's balcony. Go ahead. Take it

Cyrano.

Stella!

Betty, this is Roxanne, not Stella.

Hey, look.

There's a cocktail.

I ain't Roxanne, and I ain't Stella, all right? I'm Freddy, Freddy. You got it?

Freddy. Okay, okay, I got it.

Freddy.

You're Cyrano. You want to get Roxanne to let you come up on a balcony so you

can kiss her. All right? That's your motivation.

I'll play Roxanne. You try to come on my balcony.

No way.

I'm dying, Egypt.

Dying.

until many thousand kisses I lay upon thy lips.

That was Maxine Biffin.

The death scene from Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra. Maxine, of course,

playing Antony.

Thank you, Maxine.

Uh, Maxine?

You can get up.

Mr. Woodman, I'm dead, remember?

Mr. Carter!

Mr. Carter!

It's curtain time!

Where's Vinnie?

Don't worry, Judy!

I'm worried, Freddy. Where's Vinnie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're worried.

know, but see, we looked at Vinnie and we couldn't find him. Everybody just

it easy, okay?

Epstein, he guarantees his clients. Oh, you guarantee your clients, Epstein?

That's right. Well, it's about time for... them to go on. Now, where is he?

Anybody open the mouth and I'll bring it to you.

Who is this?

Lawrence of Arabia.

Roxanne, eat my plumes.

Hey,

you look fantastic.

Great. Yeah, you're about the tenth person who told me that.

The tenth?

Yeah. The others were a bunch of marines on Ocean Park Road.

Yeah, but did you find Arnold?

No, but I ran into Dolores Delvecchio.

I think it's over between us.

Okay, Vinnie, look.

All right.

Now, you know what you have to do.

No, I already did that before I put on my tights.

Now, our final contestants.

Judy Borden, Vincent Barbarino, and the scene from Cyrano de Bergeron.

We'd appreciate it if you throw the lettuce first.

And the eggs and tomatoes.

And please save the dressing for last, because it makes a better salad.

It's sweet.

Oh, yeah.

Kiss. The word is sweet.

I do not see why you should not try it.

You don't believe me? Ask Debbie.

Hey, Debbie.

My kiss is delicious, right?

Sharon, I didn't know you was coming today.

All right. I got to get back to this place. I'll see you later.

He's making me crazy.

Where were we?

You were making this the most humiliating, embarrassing experience of

life.

Good. Let's keep going.

Be serious, Vinnie. All right, all right.

A kiss.

When all is said, what is it?

A wish which longs to be confirmed.

A moment.

of infinity humming like a bee look

at me look at me a communion tasting of flowers

whatever that means

in a way

of breathing in a little of your heart

And tasting a little of your soul with the edge of my lips.

Stella!

Hey, you were swell. You were wonderful, sweetheart. Just sign right over here.

Now, look. I got your booking.

It's going to be on the gong shell, okay?

Now, look.

My people will call your people. Hey, we'll have lunch, sweetheart. Wait a

minute. We'll talk to you.

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie. Come on. Sit back on stage.

Oh, come on. Got to do it again.

No. Take a seat.

3 -2 -8 -1.

Diane, get the number from Susan. Susan's dad's gonna call you, right?

Charlene, come on up to my dressing room.

Wait a minute, that's right, Arnold.

We still ain't found him.

Yeah, I can't feel bad, you know? Like a crumb. This should have been Arnold's

moment.

Where could he be?

I don't know, but I think it's something more serious than a play.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We always should find a friend.