Original subtitles

Why don't you get your own paper?

Because I like yours better.

You know who this guy looks like?

One of your relatives.

My cousin, Sidney Carter. That's amazing.

Sidney's very stupid.

How stupid is he?

Well, Cousin Sid was so stupid, at one time he locked his keys in his car. So

calls up the auto club, and he said, Um...

I forgot why I called.

Oh, yeah, I locked my keys in my car.

And I want you to come here and help me get the keys out of the car.

Okay, what did the auto club say?

They said, well, sir, we'll be there in about one hour.

Uh -huh.

Now, you want to know what Cousin Sidney said?

Yeah.

He said, well, you can't come here in an hour because it's raining out.

And the car's a convertible.

And I left the top down.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old... place that you laughed about

well the names have all changed since you hung around but those dreams

have remained and they've turned around who'd have thought they'd need ya who'd

have thought they'd need ya back here where we need ya back here where we need

ya yeah we tease him a lot cause we got him on the spot welcome back

Okay, where was the biggest battle of World War II fought?

Newark, when they tried to draft my uncle.

Right. Now, the Allied forces... Right.

Hey, Mr. Carter, I made a joke.

Well, don't do that.

Okay, now, where was I?

Excuse me, Mr. Carter.

I do not think that you are with us in this classroom here.

Want to go to the bathroom?

Go ahead.

Huh?

Well, Chuck, where are you going? You just can't get up and leave. You just

me to go to the bathroom.

I did? Yeah.

I don't remember saying that.

Epstein.

Can I tell Horshack to go to the bathroom?

It's okay, Mr. Carter. I don't gotta go no more.

What's the matter with you, Mr. Carter, man? You've been acting like your mind's

absent or something.

I think somebody should call Mr.

Carter's house and find out if he left yet.

What's the matter with you, man? What's your problem?

I'm sorry, Fred.

out of it today. I think, uh, well, just a couple of problems I got going on at

home. I'll be all right.

Gotta get a new case.

Problems at home.

Oh, Mr.

Carter, in due time, I'm sure the missus will come back to you.

It's nothing to do with Julie.

Now, look, Mr. Carter, you gotta let it out.

It's okay to cry, boobie.

Epstein, put that fungus back in your pocket.

Look, I'm telling you people, it has nothing to do with Julie.

It's just...

Is that what's been making you dopeier than us all week?

No, now listen, Vinnie. I want you to picture this. An old man travels 1 ,400

miles to say hello to his son.

Now try to imagine that.

How's he getting here? I mean, is he taking a bus or a train or a plane or

He's traveling 1 ,400 miles. Just imagine that, okay?

Well, I mean, how's he doing it? Like the first class, the coach, the night

coach, the caboose?

He's on a scooter.

and 1 ,400 miles traveling to see your son, right? You got it?

That's really nice. He's doing that.

Yeah, I got it.

Good. Forget it.

That's not it.

I want you to picture something else. I want you to imagine it's New Year's Eve,

and you're on the Titanic.

You're there, and you're dancing in your tuxedo.

You're really feeling good.

You're doing a little bit of the conga, you know?

and you see it looming high over the ocean, threatening.

It's getting closer and closer and bigger and bigger. It's an iceberg.

You got it?

A man lying under a sheet and two blankets in a fetal position is not up.

Come on, you're going to be late. It's 7 .13 and 37 seconds.

Why did I marry a digital wife?

Come on.

Here.

Take the pillows, too. Thank you.

I wonder why your father's coming all the way in from Fort Lauderdale just

that.

Charlie Cotter has only done two things in his life just like that.

One was me and the other one was my brother Mel.

Maybe he's bored.

Why should he be bored?

He's got my mom.

He's got the store.

And a steady stream of tourists buying t -shirts that say Florida Grapefruits.

Hands off.

Well, I don't care what you say. I'm glad he's coming.

He's thoughtful.

He's generous.

You get the door. I'll check the flights back to Miami.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie, darling, you look beautiful.

Is he giving you any trouble?

You, wash your teeth.

Well, it's nice to see you too, Pop.

Already it starts.

Lies.

What is he talking about?

It's good to see you. I haven't seen you for a year.

Well, if you were so anxious to see me, how come you didn't meet me at the

airport?

It's unbelievable.

I don't believe this man. I called him ten times. I said, Pop, can I pick you

at the airport?

He said, ten times, don't bother. It's when you listen to your father.

What are you waiting for, a tip?

Put the suitcase down.

He came 1 ,400 miles so he could insult his son.

So, Pop, how's Mom?

Well, you finally thought to ask.

She's been here for seven seconds.

Boy, did we have a scare.

We almost lost her.

Pop, what are you talking about? I'm talking about a woman who almost keeled

over the counter.

She was so dizzy.

Oh, which reminds me.

Business is terrific.

We're moving four and a half gross of coconut paperweight... Forget about the

coconut paperweight!

What happened with Mom? What's wrong?

She broke a heel.

She hurt her foot?

No, she broke the heel on her shoe. She was walking around with a broken heel,

and that's what made her dizzy.

So... This is it?

This is where you live now?

No, Pop, we don't live here. We have a six -room duplex on Park Avenue.

We were just staying here until they finished the backgammon room.

Listen, wise guy.

The cab that drove me here from the airport was bigger than this place.

It's a good thing I'm staying over at your brother Melvin. You remember

the big shot doctor. He's got a ten -room house.

He's got a swimming pool.

I remember.

We slept together for five years, I remember.

That you remember?

The man makes $100 ,000 a year.

Those days he wasn't making $100 ,000 a year.

He was wetting the bed.

You were any different?

Will you two please stop?

Okay, Charlie, what do you want to eat?

Darling, whatever you're cooking, I don't care what it is, I'm eating.

Even if it's only two eggs over easy, buttered English muffins, a cup of tea,

sugar, but a dab of natural honey.

Such an easy man to please.

Now, there's a person.

Now, Gabe, did you find a real job yet, or are you still teaching those sweat

hawks? Pop, I feel good. I feel useful.

Sort of like you do when you sell someone an alligator toilet seat.

Alligator toilet seats are out.

Sharks are a big seller.

By the way, Gabe, whatever happened to that sweet little school teacher that

hated your guts?

Uh, Mikey, uh, Woodman, I think it is.

Woodman's the vice principal now.

Still the same, though. Let's not talk about him. I'm eating, okay?

Pop, level with me. What are you doing here?

Gabe, think about your future.

You know, there's no future in teaching sweat hogs.

Think beach towels.

Think beer can hats.

Think folding fishing rods.

What are you trying to say?

What am I trying to say?

Carter and son mementos. I got a proposition for you. I want to make you

partner. What do you say?

Pop, we'll talk about it later, okay?

Charlie, you know, you don't understand.

The sweat hogs need Gabe.

He's working miracles with them.

Carter the miracle worker.

Maybe you can cure my bunions, huh?

Look, I got to go to school, Pop. I'll see you later.

All right, get dressed and we'll go.

We?

Well, I want to see some of these miracles for myself.

I'm sorry, Pop. They don't allow guests in school. Listen, don't argue with me.

Where are the shirts?

In here?

Yep.

Oh, there's a nice shirt.

And here's a nice tie.

I can't wear that. Look at that. They're clashes.

Don't tell me what clashes.

Who do you think made this little combination?

Picasso.

Put it on.

Julie, am I crazy or am I going to lose this argument?

Both.

Gee, Charlie, I never had a coconut paperweight before.

And you got it below cost, too. I didn't make a dime on it.

Those things don't grow on trees, you know.

Well, Charlie, you still have time to back out or take some raw meat in with

you.

Mikey, it's all right.

I just want to see what my son does for a living.

Well, when you find out, let me know.

He hasn't changed.

No, but we're still hoping.

Listen, Pop.

I want you to promise me when we go in there, you're going to behave yourself.

Don't worry.

I'll sit down.

I just want to watch you work a quick miracle or two with those sweat hogs in

there. They're nice kids.

No strings, no music.

But it isn't true.

Come to me, Cicely.

Come to me, Cicely.

and blue jeans, I'll never know.

Ken, sit down, all of you. Ken. Yeah, right. Sit down, little one.

All right, little one.

Hey,

who is this guy?

Without this guy, I wouldn't be in school today.

Who are you, the bus driver?

I'm his son.

Well, give me one more hint.

to my mother.

All right, almost got it. Just one more hint.

He's my father.

Oh, I was going to say that. I swear.

I was going to say father. I was going to say uncle.

Oh, you must be the iceberg.

How do?

How come you hit the Titanic in your sports shirt?

is worse than I thought.

Even Ripley wouldn't believe this.

Well, Mr. Cocktail Senior, I just got one thing to say to you.

Hi, Barry.

Sit down, Freddie.

Pop, why don't you take a seat? Go ahead.

Golly, about this Copeland paperweight, it seems to have spun the leak.

It's dripping milk all over my attendance record.

Don't worry.

I'll bring you a new one this afternoon to your office.

Now, you see, Conrad, as a person, I guess it's too late for you to take

him, huh?

By the way, Charlie, has he made a fool of himself yet?

We just got here.

Oh, don't worry.

Just give him a little time.

Pop, go ahead. Take a seat.

Okay.

Yesterday I asked you to read about the Depression.

Now, who can tell me when it began?

Horschak. Oh, boy. I remember.

1929. Pop, pop.

You're supposed to be here to observe.

Excuse me.

I'll make myself the invisible man.

Okay, good. Now, my father's right. It did start in 29.

Now, what was it like, Washington?

It was terrible.

People were jumping out of windows.

It was raining cats and Feldmans.

How do you know that, Mr. Carter I? Are you kidding?

I was there.

My father did not come here to talk about his life. He doesn't want to tell

In 1929, I worked for my father in his 5 and 10 on Avenue L.

Now, those were the days.

There were no muggings. There were no massage parlors. There was no disco

Pop, Pop, look.

Can I have my class back?

You want to teach them about the Great Depression?

I'll tell them stories about the Great Depression.

Boy, two generations of dumb stories.

Well, I'm sorry. Excuse me for breathing.

I just try to give you people some first -hand knowledge.

Gabe?

Go on and teach him. This I want to see.

Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea.

The time is 1929, and I'm broke.

Why? The market just crashed.

We take you now to the stock market.

Hello, everybody. I'm Seymour Feldman.

I'm one of the people that jumped out the window.

You want to know why?

Because the stock market is all crazy.

People are buying stocks on 10 % margin. They put down 10 cents, they get a

dollar's worth of stock.

I'm telling you, it's not kosher.

Thank you very much, Seymour Feldman.

We take you now to Iowa.

My name is Eugene Hasey.

I'm a farmer. I work hard for my money, but I don't share in the wealth.

Neither do the unskilled laborers. I'll tell you, it's not right. Everybody

should share in the wealth.

Thank you very much. And now we take you to the President of the United States,

Mr. Herbert Hoover.

Herbert Hoover, President of the United States.

I also make vacuum cleaners.

Now, we're making too much product.

That's right, we're overproducing.

Doorknobs, we've got too many doorknobs.

Not enough doors to put them on.

I know what you're going to say. You say, why don't we sell them to the

countries? Well, we can't.

Tariffs are too high, and they don't want to buy them.

Once I built a railroad, now it's gone.

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

That's the way it was, 1929. This is Walter Winchell. Good night.

What was that, a floor show?

Washington, what caused the stock market crash?

Because them turkeys was putting down 10 cents on the dollar for the stocks that

they was buying.

Right. F .C., why were the farmers and the unskilled laborers mad?

Well, they were bummed out because they weren't getting their share of the

profits. I don't blame them. Yeah.

Horschak, what about overproduction?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, uh, because everybody was overproducing.

Doorknobs.

Margarito, why don't the other countries buy our products?

What products?

Come on, Vinnie, why couldn't we sell them to the foreign countries?

I don't know, something about taxes, tariffs, whatever.

I've seen enough.

Gabe, outside.

Oh, uh, if you're ever in Fort Lauderdale...

And you pass my house, keep going.

All right, guys, I'm going to be out for a minute.

No campfires.

So, this is what you do?

This is what I do, Pop.

It's very interesting, those accents and impressions.

What do you do for the summer?

Take the show on the road?

I suppose you're waiting for me to say that it's more important to help these

kids than to come down to Fort Lauderdale and help me.

That's what I'd like you to say.

Pop, it's not easy to teach these kids.

You know that.

But you can't compliment me. You never could.

Ah, what are you talking about?

Pop, I'm 30 years old.

Tell me you're proud of me.

You should hear me talk about you.

to my friends in Florida.

They're sick of hearing about you.

But what are we talking out here for?

Your sweat hogs are waiting for you.

Okay, Pop.

I'll see you for dinner.

I'm proud of you, my son.

I heard you.

My son, the eavesdropper.

I'll see you at dinner, son.

Julie, dear.

Did you ever hear about what happened to my brother, Sal Carter?

No, Charlie. Why don't you tell me about it? Well, one day, Sal was walking

across the street and he got hit by a diesel truck.

It certainly was.

And a policeman ran up and he took off his jacket and put it under Sal's head

and he loosened his tie.

And the policeman says, are you comfortable?

And Sal looks up and he says, I make a good living.

Ah, how you doing?

Oh, good.

Well,

have a nice day today?

Yep, how was your day?

Oh, pretty good.

Julie. What?

That's it about my Uncle Saul.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old...

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

welcome back welcome back welcome back