Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle who was a hunter?

Your uncle was a cotter, Danny.

Very funny, Julie.

I know. My uncle, Carl Cotter, was a hunter. Not really, but my aunt Kay made

him a hunter because he didn't have a hobby and she thought it'd be nice if he

took up hunting, right?

Bought him a gun. She said, go out in the woods and find some game.

What did he find?

Well, he was in the woods and this beautiful girl comes out of the bush and

she's wearing this beautiful hunter outfit, right?

Well, what happened?

Well, he looked at her.

And he said, are you game?

And she said, yes.

So we shot her.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. Yeah, we tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome

back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back.

Look at this. Look at this. The school newspaper's doing it again. They're

putting down a sweat hog.

Boom, boom, blows. Big game as Buchanan basketballers bow.

Oh, poor Freddy.

Who lets him write this junk?

Who else? The faculty advisor?

Oh, yeah?

We're going to have to get Carter after him. Oh, we can't. Why not?

Carter is the faculty advisor.

Freddy, my little Afro -American amigo.

Oh, Freddy, Freddy, Freddy.

I'm so sorry.

I mean about boom, boom, blows, big game.

Bad break, buckaroo.

I don't worry about it, Freddy.

Most guys go through their whole life never even getting a chance to blow that

big game.

Print something like this.

Boom, boom, blows. Big game. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't.

Go ahead.

Can we say that one more time?

You know what the next headline's going to read?

What?

Horshack hospitalizes heavy hammer hits head high.

You got me?

Look. Gotcha.

I'm sorry about the game, Freddie, but I'm an advisor, not a censor.

Hard, Judy, and the rest of the kids down at the Bugle, they have a right to

their opinion.

Oh, yeah, but not like this. Listen to this.

Last night, Freddy was so bad, the only dribbling he did was down the front of

his shirt.

Hey, Mr. Cartier, I ain't no sore loser, but it just ain't basketball.

They blame everything on us.

Everything.

Everything? Come on, guys. You know that's not true.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come the last time there was a...

clips, the headline ran, Sweathog's White Son.

Now, I told them not to print that, but they had proof.

Hey, did you see this on the front page?

Listen to this.

Principal Lazarus's office was broken into last night, and some of his

confidential files were stolen.

They probably blamed that on us, too.

Come on, you guys are getting paranoid.

Now, they're not going to blame you for the Lazarus break -in.

All right, Carter.

Which one of you sweat hogs is guilty of the Lazarus break -in?

Mr. Woodman, why do you blame everything that goes wrong around here on the

sweat hogs? You're right. I shouldn't jump to conclusions about your students.

Where were you last night?

I was at a PTA meeting, Mr. Woodman. One of the few who showed up for your

speech. Self -defense with a number two pencil?

Look, all I know is Principal Lazarus ordered me to make a full investigation

this burglary. And as long as I'm vice principal, there will be no whitewash at

Buchanan.

Oh, uh, Washington.

Boom, boom, blows big game as Buchanan basketball is fouled. I love that, uh,

dribbling down the shirt line.

Ha, ha, ha!

I gotta get you a bib.

You getting a bib?

Thinking one of us and Steeler is dumbfiles.

I mean, that's really an insult.

What was in them, Epstein?

Now, wait a second now, wait a second now. I'm clean on this one.

See that, Mr. Katya?

I mean, even we're starting to think everything's our fault.

Yeah, yeah, look, we're not responsible for everything that goes wrong around

here.

Maybe about 75%.

Well, they may be 80.

I want to know why you people get blamed for everything. Because you are never

around to defend yourselves.

You know, now, wait a second. Now, one sweat hog works on the student

All right.

Tell you what I am going to do. Any sweat hog who works on the school

I will give extra credit.

Extra credit?

I don't even care about the regular credit.

Newspapers mold people's minds.

Who wants to make a moldy mind?

Don't you people understand?

Newspapers have changed history.

They've made kings, unseated presidents.

Newspapers have altered the course of human events.

Hey, you're losing control. Somebody do something.

wave for a while, but now I'm back.

I'm just trying to show you that newspapers have real power.

Power. You hear that, Arnold? Power.

Sweathog power.

Power to the sweat hog.

Power to the sweat hog.

I can see it now. The New York Daily Barbarino.

The first newspaper with a centerfold.

I'm saying use the press.

Don't abuse it.

Become part of it. Contribute to it.

Maybe do some investigative reporting, huh? Find out who's responsible for the

Lazarus break -in. Oh, it's just like all the president's men.

All right, but I get to be Robert Redford.

And I get to be Dustin Hoffman.

You don't look like Dustin Hoffman.

It's called Fiddler on My Sister.

And, Todd, I want you to follow up any leads on the Principal Lazarus burglary,

okay? Right. Good.

Hi, Judy.

Oh, hi, Mr. Carter. Look, I brought some new recruits for the paper.

school crime beat. That way they can be right there to report on themselves.

Excuse me a minute.

I have a word with you, Todd.

In your ear with Rosie Gray.

Why don't you have a seat right here, Mr. Washington.

Mr. Washington would like to write the school sports page.

And I would like to be the Buchanan gossip columnist.

I happen to know where all the bodies are buried around here.

Sure you do. Like you and that little cheerleader from Rod McEwen High School

Scarsdale, Todd.

fancy Park Avenue plastic surgeon who's using your old nose as his waiting room.

Just have a seat right over here, Rona Horshack.

I don't know about the sweat hogs on the school paper. Oh, Jenny Judy, don't you

worry about it. It's going to work out just fine, and I have something else for

you. What every newspaper needs.

Your own team of crack investigative reporters.

Vinnie Barbarino and Juan Epstein.

Hey,

don't worry, Chief.

We're going to get the story on this last as it's breaking.

Hey, Epstein, why don't you just save time and confess?

Hey, Todd, as we say in the newspaper biz, put your Sunday times where the sun

don't shine.

How much did they take?

No money. Just 40 pounds of raw liver.

Who would want 40 pounds of raw liver?

Maybe some crazed delicatessen owner.

We don't hurry. By tomorrow, that liver could be chopped up and in sandwiches

all over Brooklyn.

That's chief.

Come on, Vinnie, let's follow up our leads.

Right.

What leads?

Oh, yeah.

Well, in that case, let's go have lunch.

Oh, Carter, Lazarus tells me you're faculty advisor to the bugle this month.

That's right, Mr. Woodman. We're going to get to the bottom of this break -in.

Don't worry. Yeah, me and Vinnie are going to investigate the pants office.

Yeah. Well, Principal Lazarus has thought it over, and he wants the

investigation dropped.

What for?

For a very good reason.

He said so.

Wait a second. We've been working on this thing all day.

What's going on here, Mr. Woodman? Well, I don't seem to be getting through to

you people. Let me phrase it in sweat hog terms.

Put a cork in it, clowns.

What's the matter, Mr. Woodman?

A little too much heat in the kitchen?

Yeah, Mr. Woodman, the kids are getting... A cork, Carter.

Cork it.

Why don't you just let him try? Cork it.

This looks like a tip on the Lazarus breaking.

Yeah, and it's signed Deep Trout.

I was looking over my shoulder.

I'm not sure of any, but I think it's me.

on Horschak's Twitter.

I do want to catch up to it.

All

right,

what's going on? Oh, look, I'm sorry to get you down here, Mr. Carter. Yeah, but

the paper goes to press tonight, and we need the faculty advisor's approval.

before we can print this story and allow this break -in.

That's all right. I was just home telling my wife a joke.

In a tuxedo?

Yeah, well, once a week we play nightclub.

I get dressed in a tuxedo and tell Julie jokes, and she sits there and heckles

me in an evening gown.

All right, let me read this. I got to get back for the 11 o 'clock show.

Yeah, I understand. You marry people, you do things like that, right?

Otherwise, you get real bored.

Yeah, sure.

So what do you think of the story, huh?

Hey, we can blow the roof right off Buchanan.

You sure your facts here, Juan?

Hey, you gotta be 18 to get into your nightclub.

I was only kidding, Vinny. I was at a wedding.

Oh, that's too bad.

If you ever do that, let me know.

Because I'd love to come over and play busboy.

So, come on, what do you think of this story? Can we print it?

Let me get this straight.

You're saying that the liver robbery and the Lazarus break -in are connected.

Right, right.

You see, some big shot down at the school board hasn't been buying real

Now, he's been buying something called texture protein.

Looks and tastes like real liver, except it's cheaper.

In other words, every Tuesday, instead of not eating liver, I've been not

textured protein.

Yeah, and that somebody has been pocketing the difference, and the files

were stolen from Lazarus' office, they're going to prove it.

If what you're saying here is true, Epstein, then somebody at the Buchanan

administration had to know about it. Right.

And that somebody's being covered up by the Mr. Big at the school board.

You've got to be sure of your facts before you can print a story like this.

this is hot stuff.

How reliable are your sources?

Why don't you just come out and decide for yourself?

Yeah, he's waiting out in the hall right now.

Now look, we can't get too close. He wants to keep his identity a secret.

So walk this way.

What do you think? What do you think? Yeah, come on. Can we print it?

You realize it came straight from the top to Corker, right? Yeah, yeah, but

on. Wait a second. Yeah, yeah, Epstein.

If you guys are wrong, I could lose my job.

And you know what they'd do to you.

What?

Put us in a dumber class?

Look, Mr. Carter, you got us started on this newspaper thing. Now what do you

want us to back down?

I'm not saying back down. I just want you to know everything that's involved

here.

I believe the story.

Well, don't just stand there. Go with it.

I don't believe it!

How could you print this?

My article's the truth, Ludlow.

I'm not talking about your article, Epstein. I'm talking about...

Horseshack's gossip column.

You mean up Arnold's alley?

What well -known Buchanan figure was just dumped on by his cheerleader

girlfriend from Scarsdale?

Hint, his initials are Todd and Lolo.

Principal Ismus wants to know if Captain Epstein and Barbarino have permission

to print this article about the break -in.

That's right, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman!

conspiracy,

illegal possession of liver.

Hey, don't let them come down on you like that, Mr. Carter. Yeah. They should

put those guys in jail and throw away the key.

Yeah. Now, now, now, Juan, you hot -blooded young Turk.

I'm a Puerto Rican Jew.

The same thing.

Your blood is hot.

Now, look, Principal Lazarus is grateful.

The board is conducting a full -scale investigation which will have his

cooperation. Well, it's over.

I think you've made things pretty hot for old Lazarus. He'll rue the day they

made him principal over me.

You see this? This is what I was talking about. This is the power of the press.

Exposing corruption, unseating the mighty, and bringing them before the bar

justice. See, he's out of control again.

I'm back.

Well, anyway, this board member will undoubtedly have to resign.

Oh, Principal Lazarus told me to assure all of you that from now on you'll be

getting real liver every week. I hate liver.

But it's better than that textured protein stuff.

I love textured protein.

It has a nice texture.

You know what puzzles me? What's that? Who was Deep Throat?

You could call me Deep.

Is you, Mr. Woodman?

Oh, you can call me throat.

That's the voice.

That's it. Oh, you can call me DT.

Oh, that was Woodman.

All right, well, forget about that for a second.

Listen, guys, I got to tell you a joke about my Uncle Max who hired some

investigative reporters.

Oh, please.

No, no, you guys are going to like this joke. It's a good joke. See, he was a

barber, right? And one day this guy comes into a shop. He says, how long do

have to wait to get a haircut?

So Uncle Max says, well, about an hour. The guy leaves. Comes back the next day.

How long do I have to wait to get a haircut?

Max says, about an hour. Guy leaves. This goes on for a week. Every day, how

long to get a haircut? About an hour, guy leaves.

Uncle Max is getting curious, so he hires an investigative reporter to find

what was going on. It's just like you and me, Vinnie. So what happened?

Investigative reporter follows the guy, goes back to my uncle's barbershop.

Uncle Max said, well, did you find out where the guy goes when he leaves here?

Reporter said, yeah, to your house.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.