Original subtitles

Julie. What?

Did I ever tell you about my uncle who was an inventor?

No, what did he invent?

Well, he invented a new deodorant.

What was it called?

Invisible.

Why was it called Invisible?

Because if you put this deodorant on, it would disappear.

The smell would stay the same.

But nobody knew where it was coming from.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya.

We tease him a lot because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

have a question about the War of 1812?

Yeah, when did it start?

1492.

I don't know what's the matter with you people today.

It's like your brains are absent.

Speaking about brains being absent, where's Barbarino?

Vinnie came out with some wisecracks during gym class, so Caruso wanted to

a little chit -chat with him afterwards.

What did Vinnie say?

Well, you know, Vinny, he was clowning around doing gymnastics.

He got up on a side horse and he was trying to do his Barbarino dance.

I said, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Epstein.

Epstein. I get the picture.

It's a lucky thing he didn't break a leg.

Oh, he did.

What? Not Vinny. He broke a leg on a side horse.

So, Mr.

Caruso told Vinnie to take the horse to Woodshop and fix it.

And then he said, why don't we just shoot it?

So Mr.

Caruso, he gets all red in the face and he says, I want to see you in my office

after class.

I'm surprised that Caruso got upset over one little ice crack.

Oh, see, I think it was what Vinny said to him yesterday.

Caruso got real mad when Vinny told him to go blow it out his whistle.

And on Tuesday, when Caruso told Vinny he took track in college, Vinny said he

was the only guy to stop in the middle of the race and ask for directions.

isn't Vinnie Youngman.

Hey, Vinnie, what happened with you and Mr. Caruso?

Nothing happened.

What we should teach you when I walked in? Go back to teaching that.

Okay, let's get back to the War of 1812. Well, I'd rather hear about the war

between Vinnie and Mr. Caruso.

That's Vinnie's business.

I don't want to hear anything else about what happened in Jim between Barbarino

and Mr. Caruso.

Oh, well, cut it.

about what happened in the gym between Barbarino and Mr. Caruso.

There's a rumor floating around that Caruso clobbered Barbarino outside his

office in full view of the girls' gym class.

Hold on!

Are you saying that Caruso actually hit Vinny? That's what I'm trying to

establish. Now, you know, Carter, there are rules against hitting students, even

sweat hogs.

Why, I don't know.

Vinny, is this true? Did this actually happen?

No, it's not true.

Them girls must be seeing things.

That's the right attitude, Barbarino.

No visible bruises?

Good. That means no student was struck, parents don't have to come to school,

and most of all, Principal Lazarus can get off my donkey.

All right, all right, see you tomorrow.

Read that chapter on the War of 1812.

We already done that.

Then read chapter 14 again.

Okay, Vinnie, you want to tell us what really happened?

What's happening, man? What's the problem? What is to tell? Look, I was in

office, right?

And Caruso was chewing me out about wisecracking all week.

So I go out, I say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I walk out the door. He turns

around and he hits me.

Hey, Vinnie.

To get hit in front of the girls' gym class.

By tonight, all of Brooklyn is going to know about this.

Are you kidding?

Those girls?

It'll be on the 7 o 'clock news.

Look, Penny, I think we got a case here.

Now I'm going to send you to my brother's public offender.

He's with a big law firm.

Shapiro, Shapiro, and Whiplash.

Yeah, we're going to get Caruso right by the gym shorts.

All right.

So, Vinnie, what are you going to do?

Well, don't worry about it. I'm planning a strategy right now, right while we're

talking. Yeah, like which fist he's going to use first.

Yeah.

Ambush or broad daylight.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I think you have another class to go to because I have

another one coming in here, so why don't you cool down and give Mr. Barbarino a

chance to cool down? That's fine. All right. Be brave, little soldier.

Yep. You do what you got to do, Vinnie. It ain't nothing to it.

Honey,

would you get the door?

I got the refrigerator door. You get the front door.

Hi, Mr. Cotter. How you doing? I have a little cold. I'm okay.

Oh, that's good.

I'm sorry I barged in on you like this, but you know.

Oh, it's all right. Listen, we were expecting you. Mr. Cotter told me all

it. Hey,

did you guys watch the news tonight?

Was there anything about me and Caruso in it?

No, but they broke right into the middle of Bowling for Dentures.

Russo clouds Bob Reno. Film at 11.

Are you kidding?

Yes, Vinny. He's kidding.

I'm kidding, Vinny. Come on. You want soda? Yeah, I'd love a soda. What kind

got?

Let's see. We got Pepsi, grape, orange, strawberry, raspberry, and non

-carbonated. You got root beer?

Got Pepsi, grape, orange, raspberry, strawberry, and non -carbonated. No root

beer.

Raspberry. Non -carbonated. I like root beer.

I have a Pepsi.

I have a Pepsi.

Well, how'd it go today?

Terrible. I've been getting calls all day long.

My brother, he called me. He said he's been dishonored. He's changing his name

to Lefkowitz.

It's really stupid, ain't it?

Lefkowitz Barbarino.

Come on, Vinny, sit down.

Look, you got a problem, and we're going to work on it, solve it.

But you got to tell me that you're not seriously thinking of hitting him.

Oh, come on, Mr.

Cotter. I'm beyond that now.

I'm happy to hear you say that, Vinny.

I'm going to borrow my uncle's cement truck and run him over.

Vinny. It was a joke, Mrs. Cotter, just a joke.

Vinny, be serious.

Don't let yourself get pushed into hitting him. If you do, you could get

out of school.

Oh, come on. That's some choice.

If I hit him, I get thrown out of school, right?

If I don't hit him, I get laughed at at school.

What if I wait till I graduate, then I hit him?

Come on, Vinnie. You think you can wait 15 years?

Boy,

you're funny today, aren't you? Boy, everybody's done my case today. I can't

believe it.

Vinnie, I'm sure that your friends understand the situation that you're in.

No, I don't think so, Mrs. Cotter. I mean, all they know is that Vinnie

Barbarino got slapped around.

I feel like nothing.

I feel like a crumb.

Did you ever feel that way?

Oh, no, Vinnie, wait. You're asking for one of his stories.

Let me tell you what happened once.

Too late.

There was this friend of mine.

Bonzo Moretti.

Bonzo Moretti.

Now, Bonzo was just like you. Bonzo was bigger than you. On one day, Carripsal,

boom, slaps him, right?

Bonzo had the same problem as you had.

He knew that if he hit Caruso back, he'd get thrown out of school. And that

would really affect his family, especially his mother.

Yeah, so what happened?

Well, Bonzo decided that his family was more important than any revenge, so he

never laid a hand on Caruso.

Is that it? Is that the story?

No, there's more.

Bonzo's mother found out what happened anyway, and she went to school the next

week and hit Caruso with an Italian salami.

Nah, my mother would never hit nobody.

She just prayed, you know.

Like she'd pray that Caruso would have an accident.

Hey, do me a favor.

Promise me you won't do anything in school tomorrow.

Well, I haven't done anything for two years.

What should make tomorrow any different?

Look, just give me 24 hours. I'll try and solve your problem.

No, I don't think I could do that. I'll give you to the same time tomorrow.

Mr. Cotter will handle things. I know that he'll do the right thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I hope.

Hey, Mrs. Cotter, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Vinnie.

Look, now, um, I don't want to tell you how to run your household or nothing.

Yeah. But people do like root beer.

Bye, Vinnie.

Now, look, it don't matter what kind. Draft, the regular.

See you later, Vinnie. Have a nice time.

And Danish. That's Danish.

Thank you. Have a good time.

Bye, Vinnie.

Brown bag in it again, huh, Connor?

What's the matter? Cafeteria too expensive?

Have a great, Mr. Woodman. Thank you.

I think I'm going to be brown bagging a lot after that lunch yesterday.

Oh, you mean the roast leg of surprise?

Roast leg of surprise.

That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of in my life.

Oh, I enjoyed it very much.

Mine had a toy whistle in it.

Mr. Perlman was the lucky one, though. He got a complete set of luggage.

Go ahead, have some more grapes.

Mr. Woodman, let me give you a hypothetical situation.

Suppose two of your teachers had a confrontation.

What would you do?

I'd probably fire you.

Can I have my grapes back?

Who's the other teacher?

Mr. Caruso.

Oh, that's different.

I'd definitely fire you.

Mr. Woodman, I don't know why everybody's afraid of Caruso. I mean,

knows his methods are wrong, but nobody does anything about it. He's an ordinary

man, Mr. Woodman. Try to imagine him in his underwear.

Oh, you're sick.

Sick, Carter.

Oh, hello, Lou. Hi, Mr. Woodman. You know, Lou, in the 20 -odd years I've

you, I never once tried to imagine you in your underwear.

Well, I think Woodman's gone over the edge, Carter.

Yep, the old pilot light's gone out.

I think it's just a gas leak.

Yeah.

Maybe. Anyway, I had a note in my box you wanted to see me.

What's on your mind?

Lou, how long we known each other? 15, 16 years?

Eh, something like that.

Yep, you and your friend Bozo.

Bonzo.

Bonzo. He was the one that had that wacky mother.

She hit me with a salami once.

Well, she felt bad. You know, you hit a kid.

How'd you feel when she hit you with the salami?

Greasy.

Lou, that's what I want to talk to you about.

Hitting kids.

Namely one Vinnie Barbarino.

Now look, Gabe, I like you. We get along just fine.

Let's keep it that way.

You work your way, I'll work mine, okay?

Lou, when I was a student and I heard that you punched a kid, it bothered me.

Now that I'm a teacher, it bothers me a lot more.

Especially when they're my kids. Now, listen, Gabe, this is a tough school

tough kids.

I teach them the best way I know how.

Once in a while, one of them gets a little too fresh, and I might slap one

them.

Slap now, not punch.

It's nothing anyway.

It was something to Barbarino.

Barbarino? Oh, Gabe, let me tell you about this Barbarino.

Now, all week long, that kid has been making wisecracks in my class.

But yesterday, he went nuts on me.

He jumped up on top of the sidewalks and starts hollering out his name.

Bar, bar, bar, Barbarino.

I swear there's something wrong with that boy, Gabe.

Anyway, I took him into my office for a little talk, you know. I said, now

listen, kid, I don't want to hear any more of those wisecracks. He said, what?

Now he does.

I said, the wisecracks you've been making all week. He said, where?

I said, in the gym. He said, what?

He was driving me crazy.

Anyway, all of a sudden, he just gets up and walks out.

Oh, I gave him a little shot. Didn't even hurt him.

Anyway, then he turned around and said, what'd you do that for?

So just like him, I said, what?

He said, what'd you hit me for?

I said, where?

And then he just left.

That's nothing. Look, I'll see you tomorrow.

Lou, slapping, punching, it's no way to get through to a kid.

It's just wrong.

Plus, you were indiscreet. You slapped him right in front of a girl's gym

Yeah, well, that wasn't supposed to happen that way.

Well, it did.

Vinny's going to do something about it, not because he wants to.

He feels he has to. Come on, now, just what is he going to do?

Lou, I don't think you understand.

You humiliated him.

He's a street kid.

He's not a scholar. He's not an athlete.

He's got his pride, his position.

You take that away from him, what's he got left?

His big mouth, that's what he's got left.

What do you want me to do anyway, apologize?

Yes, I want you to come to my class this afternoon. I'm going to have Vinnie say

you're sorry for making the wisecracks, and I want you to say you're sorry for

hitting him.

Oh, wait a minute, Gabe.

Now, look, I'm sorry that the girls saw what happened, but really now, come on,

don't ask me to apologize in front of a class, especially this class.

Listen, Gabe, I've been in this school 28 years.

I got my pride, I got my position.

You what? My pride, my... Like Vinnie Barbarino?

Listen, Gabe.

I'm a good teacher.

Those kids respect me.

Lou, they fear you.

Come here this afternoon and give them a chance to respect you.

Okay.

Okay, Gabe.

How'd it go in gym today?

I didn't go.

I wasn't going to spend 40 minutes in that class.

Hey, your time is up. What'd you do?

I think I solved your problem.

Caruso is coming to our class today.

What? What did I cut Jim for?

Listen, I made a deal. When he comes in, I want you to apologize to him. Then

I'm going to... That's some deal.

I get hit and I got to apologize to him?

It's a good thing I didn't give you 48 hours.

You'd have me painting his garage.

Let me finish, okay?

All right.

Now, after you apologize to him, he's going to say that he's sorry for hitting

you.

Yeah?

You're kidding.

In this class right over here, the sweat hugs.

Okay. Then you're going to shake hands with the man, and the whole thing is

going to be over, okay?

Wait a minute. Let me think about it. All right. Let me think.

He comes into class.

And I said to him, I'm sorry. And the guys go, whoa, I can't believe it.

And then he says to me, I'm sorry for hitting you. And the kids go, wow.

All right, I'll do it.

Hey, Benny, Benny, Benny, see you in gym class, did we guys?

That's because Benny didn't want to meet up with another right.

Mr. Caruso.

Oh, come on, you guys.

I do not. blame Vinnie for being afraid.

Mr. Caruso is a very brute person.

He's a bully and a meanie. And here he is now. Good

afternoon, people.

Vinnie?

Um, Mr.

Caruso, I'd just like to say to you, uh,

I'd like to say to you that I'm sorry for Malinoff and Jim all week.

I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that with my own eyes, I wouldn't have

believed it.

Just wait a minute, would you? Just wait a minute. He's got something to say to

me, all right?

Okay, go ahead.

Lou, don't you have anything to say?

Yeah, he's got a lot to say. Go ahead.

He's going to say that he's sorry that he hit me.

And then he's going to apologize in front of the whole class.

Go on, say it. Go ahead.

Well, come on.

Daniel.

Let's hear it. Speak up.

A deal was made.

That's right.

A deal was made.

And the deal was that you were supposed to apologize to me in this class.

Then I was supposed to apologize to you.

But I'm not going to do that.

Oh, I don't believe it. No, that's just not my style, son.

My style is to settle this like a man.

What?

Settle it, that's what.

Where?

Right here.

When?

Right now. Stand up, Barbarino.

Come over here.

Lou, what are you doing?

Relax, will you, Gabe?

Relax.

All right, now, Barbarino.

I challenge you to arm wrestle.

Give me a shake.

It's a good thing you told me arm wrestling. I was getting scared over

I didn't want to hurt you.

You know, my hands are registered.

At every drive -in in Brooklyn.

Well,

okay, wise guy. Let's go. Let's see what you got.

Oh!

Dueling forearms.

How macho.

All right, now look. I'm going to hold your hands. And when I count to three,

you start to go. Okay? Now brace yourselves.

One, two.

use this arm, and you stay on the floor, okay? Okay, I lost my head for a

second.

All right.

One.

Congratulations. Yeah, well, you ain't so bad yourself for an old man.

Now, listen, the rest of you wise guys here, I'll see you in gym class

Don't be late.

And Vinnie, I marked you present in gym class today.

He hit me again.

Hey, that was a little joke.

All right, see you tomorrow, kids.

I'll ask you one question, though.

Did you let Vinnie beat you?

You're a hell of a teacher, Gabe.

Put her there.

You know something, Gabe?

When you went to school here, I taught you.

But today you taught me.

Well, I'll tell you something.

You're a better student than I was.

Listen, Gabe.

Everybody was a better student than you were.

I'll see you later.

Julie, did I ever tell you about what happened last year when my Uncle Mo went

to Miami Beach?

No. Go ahead.

Okay, my Uncle Mo's in Miami Beach, and he's at the hotel, right? He's staying

at the hotel. He wants to go swimming, so he goes down to the pool. He's about

to jump in, and a little old man is sitting there in a lounge chair, right,

getting his son. My Uncle Mo says to him, excuse me, sir, how's the water?

What did the old man say?

The old man says, look warm.

Okay.

So Lou jumps into the pool, and it's freezing. It's like polar bear time.

right? He swims as fast as he can to the other side. He gets out.

He's cold.

He goes up to the old man. He says, how could you tell me that that water

was lukewarm?

The old man said, well, I don't know. Lukewarm to me.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.