Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle Pete and my aunt Priscilla?

No. Okay.

They won a lot of money in the sweepstakes, about $10 ,000.

Now they had a little disagreement because Priscilla wanted to buy a mink

and Pete wanted to buy this fancy new car.

Well, who won?

They compromised.

They bought a mink coat, but they keep it in the garage.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here

where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

I don't know if they serve burritos during the Spanish -American War.

She loves me.

She loves me.

She loves me.

What happened to She Loves Me Not?

The odds is better this way.

Let me love you.

New animal for you, Sue.

Mr. Woodman, you have a marvelous way of expressing yourself.

Hi. Hi.

What's going on here?

Dear Mr.

Cotter, please excuse my daughter's ugly temper.

Don't get her mad and she won't have to deck you.

Signed, Epstein's sister's mother.

Epstein's sister?

Gonna have... Two Epsteins in my class?

Your mother will get writer's cramp.

The name's Carmen.

Hey, Mr. Carter, what's my baby sister doing here?

Oh, you ain't your baby sister. I'm only ten months younger than you.

Why didn't you tell me your grades dropped? You had to become a sweat hog.

Well, I was saving it for a surprise.

Surprise?

You ain't kidding me, are you, baby sister?

God is going to introduce you around, so try and act like you was a real person,

okay? Take it easy. Take it easy. Here you go. Come on. Here you go.

Okay. Sit down, Juan. Sit down.

Carmen, I'd like to introduce the whole class to you.

Okay, this is Priscilla.

That's Ricky.

That's Mark.

This is Freddie Washington.

You know Juan?

No.

Vinnie Barbarino, this is Carmen Epstein.

I know Carmen.

So, Carmen, you've filled out.

See you for social studies. See you too, Carmen.

So listen, Carmen.

You know Vinnie Barbarino always gets crack at the new stuff.

What stuff?

Outside. What are you talking about stuff?

No stuff. Sisters ain't included in stuff.

Nobody's stuff. Outside. Juan, are you crazy? I'm operating.

Operate outside.

Juan,

isn't love a bowl of cherries?

Cherries outside.

Have a nice day.

Hey, Mr. Carter, do you believe in love at first sight?

Sure, Arnold.

There's love at first sight for Julie and me.

We met at a costume party. She came as a pot roast, then I came as an electric

knife.

Oh, Mr. Carter, I just fell in love with Carmen Epstein.

And she's going to become another feather in Vinnie's cap. Mr. Cutter, I

got no feathers in my cap.

I'm featherless, Mr.

Cutter. Featherless.

Arnold, come on.

Don't be ridiculous.

You've got feathers.

Arnold, let me tell you a little story, okay?

When I was your age, I was shy also. There was this girl that I was... crazy

about. Her name was Leilani Shapiro.

Never had the nerve to ask her to go out.

Finally, one day, I'm sitting in front of my house. I'm feeling sorry for

myself. This little old Italian man that lived upstairs, Mr.

Panettiere, comes down. He says, what's the matter with you, Gabey?

You're a nice boy.

You go up to this girl. You say, I'm a Gabey Carter. I'm a nice boy, and I want

to go out with you.

I have the confidence.

So next day, I went up to Leilani. I said, Leilani, my name's the Gabey

I'm a nice boy.

She told me she didn't like Italian guys.

It's a joke, Arnold, it's a joke.

Come on, have faith in yourself. I have faith in you. Oh, Mr. Carter, I am not

one of life's heavy winners.

All right, look, Arnold, you want to be a loser? Go ahead, be a loser.

Hey, Mr. Carter, I do not like to be called that.

Arnold, let's face the facts. I mean, the truth is that you are a loser. Don't

call me that!

Show me some confidence.

Okay, Mr. Carter.

You want to see confidence?

I'll show you confidence.

Here's confidence.

Arnold, that is not confidence.

That's Kurt Douglas.

Stomach in.

Now smile.

That's confidence.

I'll show you, Mr. Carter.

I'll show you that I'm a something, that I'm a somebody.

I am Arnold Horschak.

Buchanan, hi!

Oh, I'm sorry, he's not in. May I take a message?

Oh, Mom, I know how Vinnie's been trying to hit on you. I want you to promise me

you ain't gonna go out with him. If you don't bug off, you are going to find

your nose in Toledo.

Hey, Epstein, Principal Lazarus is waiting for you.

I bet you're really in for it this time.

Now you wait

right here.

Don't move from this spot.

You move from this spot, lightning's going to strike you. It will not.

Then I will.

Hey, Jack.

Hiya. Hi.

I just became a full -fledged sweat hog.

is right here with me.

I hardly go anywheres without it.

If you keep talking like that, you're going to attract geese.

Funny you should mention geese.

We got something in common.

You play?

I listen.

You win luck, all right. What? What do you want to hear? Oh, I don't know.

I know three blind mice. Take your choice.

Oh, another thing in common.

I love mice.

like to go out with me on Saturday?

Maybe we could go to a movie.

Hey, Carmen, you want to go out with me someplace?

I got some free time in between dates.

Well, Juan said not leave here.

Don't you want to go?

Go? I want to go.

Carmen, if your personality keeps up like this, I might let you ask me out on

Saturday.

Bye, Carmen.

Bye, sweat hogs.

Goodbye, Brooklyn.

Goodbye, Judy.

Hi, Judy.

Where are the absentee forms?

I think I start on your ding -dong.

Thanks a lot, Arnold.

Things didn't go exactly as planned, huh? Oh, Mr. Carter, I didn't even

axing her.

Mr. Carter.

Pochette.

Y 'all gotta hear this poem I wrote in honor of my new love.

Listen.

My love is like a red, red rose.

Which sure beats the rubber hose up your nose.

Makes sense to me.

Good.

Yeah, sure thing, Jack.

Any other problems, you feel free to let me know.

We was just in there shooting the breeze.

Principal Lazarus said I was in his office so much last year, it's like

old buddies, you know?

Hey, Mr. Woodman, Principal Lazarus wants to see you.

You better watch out.

The man doesn't like you.

Doesn't like me?

Doesn't like me.

Principal doesn't like me.

No, I could have been principal.

No, but they picked him.

And then he made sure my door was smaller.

And the lettering on my door is smaller.

My desk, my chair, my wastebasket, all smaller.

My American flag has 13 stars.

and he caught her.

Let me know if you want in.

Hey,

where's Tom?

Oh, I saw her down the hall with Vinnie.

He was saying something about under the boardwalk at 29.

I shall devote my life to worshipping Carmen Epstein from afar.

Until the funeral of her ninth husband, when she will finally realize that it is

I whom am her own true love.

The shock will, of course, kill me. Shock!

Arnold,

you're overreacting.

I'm sorry, Mr. Carter, but when I fall in love, that's it.

I'm a for keeps kind of guy.

Did I tell you a story about Leilani Shapiro? Yeah.

Okay, I got another story.

When I was about four, there was this girl, Babsley. She was five.

I always liked older women.

Anyway, we'd go and play doctor. We'd go under the porch, play doctor.

She'd give me her bill, I'd give her my bill.

We'd sue each other for malpractice.

For years, I thought that was sex.

At one time, I loved Babsy.

Then I loved Leilani Shapiro. And now I love Julie.

A person is capable of more than one great love in their life.

Oh, I know, Mr. Carter.

But first, I'd like to love once.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get this straight, all

right?

Now, Epstein don't want Vinnie to go out with Carmen, right?

Right. All right, all right, all right, all right. Okay, I got that, I got that.

Okay, okay.

Horchak wants to go out with Carmen, right?

Y 'all two just put your heads together.

Well, half a brain is better than nothing.

Well, that's a good idea, Carter.

Hey, Arnold, come here.

What?

I guess you're better than nothing.

I mean, nothing would ever happen with you on a date.

Would it?

No.

All right, you got my blessing. Oh, thank you, Warren.

Hey, Freddie, how are we going to fix him up with my sister? Ooh, ooh, ooh,

ooh.

I got it. I got it.

Portia, pretend that Mr. Carter here is Connor.

Go ahead. Just show us what your basic approach would be. Go ahead. Show me

your basic approach would be. Let's see it. Go ahead.

I love you. I love you. Get your hands off my sister.

Get your hands off my sister.

Take it easy, woman. Take it easy.

Hey, I guess everybody's here except for Freddie, huh?

She doesn't love me no more.

She don't love me no more. Read this.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

I met a guy who I like better than you.

Bye -bye.

See, man, if I wasn't sure she was crazy about me, I'd think this was a kiss

-off.

Don't pay any attention, Freddie, until you get your third notice.

I want to use this period, or what we have left of it, to talk about something

that we don't teach in school, but I think that you should know something

Love.

Now, what does love mean to you?

Finny.

It means never having to hear, I'm pregnant.

Vinny, little kiddo, I promise the man won't feel a thing. It's going to be

painless, Vinny. Why? You've been acting that way. Take it easy. What's the

matter with you? Vinny, if you believe in the fist, Vinny, you're going to stop

hitting on my sister. Take it easy.

Every time I see a beautiful girl, my teeth, they automatically flash.

My hips, they automatically shake.

And my eyes, they automatically spark.

How'd you like your eyes automatically black, huh?

All right, come on. What's the matter with you guys?

It's like in kindergarten.

Sit down.

I'm trying to teach you about love.

splendid thing.

It's been good to me.

Oh, sure, Vincent.

Go ahead, make mock.

Treat love lightly like you always do.

You don't know what love is, Vinnie. Oh, Shaq, I think you've forgotten who

you're talking to.

I got guts all over the place.

Vinny, you and your guts have got a lot to learn about women.

Now, sit down.

And you, my very own brother, who I love,

is only interested in who won't love me.

Don't you think I can take care of myself?

Hey, Carl.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

It's just, uh, just my way of showing I love you.

I love you.

Nobody's ever turned down Vinnie Balderino before.

Yeah, well, my sister did.

Mr. Carter, you think I'm losing my touch or something?

No, Vincenzo, you just got a little to learn about love.

Oh, yeah?

You'll have to excuse me. I got to go practice.

Practice outside.

Hey, Carmen, why don't you come with me?

I want to show you my shell collection under the boardwalk.

At Coney Island.

Arnold!

They're gonna die, Arnold.

Tomorrow's another day. We meet somebody else.

Bye -bye.

Another day, another $3 .40.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Gabe, how's Carmen Epstein doing?

Well, Mr. Woodman figured that one Epstein was enough for one class, and I

of agree with him. She's back in her old class. Yeah, I think that's a good

idea. Yeah.

Hey, did I ever tell you about my sister Eileen?

Gabe, what does that have to do with Carmen Epstein?

Nothing, but I've been home for ten seconds. I haven't told one joke.

My sister Eileen, when she was a little kid, she lost her first tooth, right?

She comes up to me, she says, Gabe, what should I do?

I said,

put it under your pillow, and a good fairy will give you a quarter.

So that night, I snuck in the room, I took the tooth, and I put a quarter

Did she see you?

I didn't think so. The next morning, she's running around the house.

My brother's a good fairy!

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Yeah, we teased him a lot. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Because we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.