Original subtitles

Julie. You forgot your lunch. My lunch again.

As long as you're here, I'll tell you about one of my uncles.

Terrific.

My Uncle Jonas, he was a doctor.

Okay.

What kind of doctor was he?

A very strange doctor.

One time, this guy came into his office. Uncle Jonas says, stick out your tongue

and go to the window.

The guy sticks out his tongue.

Goes to the window.

He's standing there about five minutes, looks back at my uncle, says, will this

help me?

My uncle said, no, but I'm mad at the guy across the street.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd need ya?

Who'd have thought they'd need ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Welcome back. Welcome back.

I like it to look messy, like I didn't have to do nothing.

And I happen to look this cute just by accident.

What kind of a loser would write something like that?

Me.

Gentlemen.

I'm about to go.

Homing period is over.

Can we go and do some work on the inside of your heads?

Come on, Mr. Carter. Just a couple of little last -minute touches here, all

right? You see, when you're the sweat hog hot throb, you've got a

to look perfect.

If you keep teasing your hair, your scalp is going to leave you for a hot

Come on.

Yeah, come on, Juan. We don't want to be party.

All right, I'll go right with you as soon as I grab a smoke.

make you go after him.

Come on, Epstein, let's go. Get out of there. Come on.

When did you start smoking?

What smoking? Well, hey, I'm just enjoying a few moments of privacy, you

I mean, when you got nine brothers and sisters like I got, the only time you

to use the bathroom by yourself is on your birthday.

Nine brothers and sisters living in a ghetto.

Don't bother, Epstein. That underprivileged kid stuff may work on

won't work on me.

Now, remember, you're talking to a man who hates Captain Kangaroo.

Take me over to Principal Lazarus' office.

Wait a second. I didn't even get a chance to wash my hands. How about

hygiene?

Well, Principal Lazarus is really going to give it to Epstein this time. You

know, Potter, I haven't had this much fun since I suspended a cheerleader for

showing a pom -poms to a rotary club.

Look, there's no need to take Woodman off restroom patrol.

It makes his day.

And by the way, Jack, don't forget what I told you. This week, take the Jets and

the points.

How'd you do, Juan?

I'm free. I just got a warning.

Well, all right.

I just don't understand.

Lazarus doesn't like anybody.

Except Upstate.

Why? Well, that's because... Why is that?

Well, that's because Jack thinks of me like a son.

Doesn't he have a son?

Oh, yeah, Harold, but Harold's a real disappointment to Jack, you know, since

moved to Oregon and joined that vegetarian nudist colony.

Oh, right, the vegetarian nudists. I read about them. They had their own

religion. They believed that if you die, you return as a Caesar salad.

A vegetarian nudist colony.

Wow.

you could have one wild weekend with just a couple of bottles of rope for

dressing.

Huh?

What does that mean? That I can get back into the dance?

It's not fair.

I don't want much out of life.

Just a transfer to a school in Scarsdale and my real teeth back.

Come on, Vinnie. How about lunch? I'm buying.

Uh, uh, wait a second.

You know, just because you didn't get in trouble, there's no reason you should

smoke, in school or anyplace else.

It's just not healthy.

Yeah, well, that's what Principal Lazarus told me, so I promised him I was

to quit.

Good boy, Juan.

That's smart thinking.

Besides, I'm sure sooner or later you'll pick up another bad habit.

Are you sure about the Jets and the points? I bet 50 cents with Julie. Hey,

look who you're talking to.

Sure, the Jets, that's your thing.

I never tried one of them things. It's fro -cone. Let me try it. Go ahead.

Ow!

Well, I guess you don't work on Italian hair.

You said you were going to stop smoking.

Look, I tried, Mr. Carter, but I can't, okay?

I mean, I've been smoking since I was 12, you know, on and off, on and off.

All of a sudden, I can't quit.

You can quit, Juan. It just might be a little more difficult this time.

Do you know that since the Surgeon General's report on smoking in 1964,

million people have quit?

Really?

That's right. I think I read it in Cosmopolitan.

So it's lying around the house, so I read it.

So what? I mean, it's got some interesting articles.

How costumes saved my marriage.

Menu planning if you're dating a soccer team.

Hey, you know, Mr. Cartier, it ain't easy to break a bad habit.

Let me tell you guys a little story.

Oh, here we go again.

You know, for a young guy, he's got a lot of stories.

Can't you wait till you get home and tell your wife?

No, I never told you this one before.

When I was about 12, I had a monkey on my back.

That's right, I was hooked on potato knishes.

It all started out innocent.

You know, I was in Coney Island, a young kid walking around Coney Island. This

guy came up to me. He said, hey, kid, come here.

You want a free knish?

I said, sure, why not?

It was free, so I took it.

Next day, same guy. Hey, kid, come here. You want another free knish?

I said, great, it was free, it was easy. I was rolling in clover of free knish

every day. When was it going to stop?

I'll tell you when it stopped, two weeks later.

I went up to the guy and said, hey, mister, where's my free knish?

Hey, I'm sorry, kid.

I got to make a living.

Knishers aren't free anymore.

From that day on, all my money went on knishers, my whole allowance.

I was up to five knishers a day, Barbara.

Five a day.

Then I found out I didn't get the same kick from commissions.

Had to move on to harder stuff.

Real junk food, Horshack.

Malamars.

Devil dogs.

Twinkies.

I had to make a decision, Epstein.

I had to decide whether or not I was going to let junk food rule my life.

Well, what'd you do?

I went cold turkey.

Cold turkey.

That's right. For five days, instead of junk food, I ate nothing but cold

turkey.

That's how I kicked.

Oh.

Truly inspiring story, Mr.

Cotter.

It ought to be a movie.

Man with the golden knish.

A hat full of knishes.

The knish connection.

The knish connection.

Look,

Juan, you can quit. People quit every day at those clinics, you know. Wait,

wait, wait a minute, Mr. Cartier.

I mean, Epstein, man, he don't got the kind of money to be paying them smoking

clinics.

Epstein's family is so poor.

That on Thanksgiving, they had to rent a turkey.

Look, we'll help you. I mean, we'll do it ourselves.

We'll use the same principle they use at those smoking clinics. It's called

aversion therapy.

Oh, yeah, the perversion therapy.

We just torture Juan till he quits smoking.

It's not torture, Barbarino. It's just therapy to help Juan break his bad

Look at you. Look in the mirror. I can't look at you. Look in the mirror, again.

Look at you.

The toughest kid in school.

A slave to a little stick of tobacco.

Besides that, look, you need a haircut.

Juan, tomorrow we shall open up the Sweatheart Clinic for the cure of

Are you ready?

Carter's nose with Ms.

Fishbeck's support hole?

Well, it's not a bad picture of me.

Do you think this will really get me to quit smoking, Mr. Carter? Well, we're

going to try, Juan. The guys are going to be here as soon as they finish their

last period. Come on, sit down.

Now, all we're going to do is try and help you unlearn a bad habit.

Oh, I'm good at that. I already unlearned the whole 10th grade.

What are you doing here? I figured after 3 o 'clock you'd be running around the

neighborhood flicking your pick.

Mr. Woodman, Juan's going to try and stop smoking.

Oh?

Well, it's not that easy.

I remember when I quit.

You smoked?

Yes, years ago, Carter.

I smoked king size.

I thought they made me look taller.

You know why I never smoked?

I think it was those cigarette commercials on television. They turned

I mean, I could never picture myself living in Marlboro country.

The only commercial that always got to me was the one with the dancing

cigarettes. You know, all I could see was the girl's legs sticking out of the

big cigarette box.

I don't know, they drove me crazy.

For three years, I wanted to marry a six -foot -tall pack of mentholated old

gold.

Listen up there, Mr. Woodman. I heard about a guy once who had a crush on a

camel.

Swan, all we're going to do is try and help you unlearn a bad habit. Yeah,

I'll do anything it takes to stop smoking.

And what are you going to do with that?

Don't worry about it. It's the wall -to -wall carpeting from Mr. Woodman's

office. Let's get him on the carpet.

On the carpet. Okay, Juan, I'll tell you what we're going to do. Me and Vinnie,

we're going to start a little bit of electricity. You know, like create a

Okay, light up. Come on. Your favorite blend. Light him up. Now, every time you

take a puff of this, we're going to shock you. So then you won't want to

no more. Right.

Okay, start. Let's go. You ready?

Ready. Ready? Okay.

Okay.

So when are you guys going to shock me?

All right, something's wrong. Get up. Sit over there.

Come on, try it on me. You ready? Yeah. Ready? Okay.

Ow!

Okay, sit down.

Let's do it.

You got to have both your feet on the carpet. Put your feet on the carpet.

Ready?

Let's get...

This is the patient.

He spots him in your hand. You ever have him before?

Yeah. Well, you got him again.

Doctor, do you have the patient's file? I got the patient's file.

File the patient's file. The patient's file is filed.

Now, let's file the patient. File the patient.

Doctor, this reminds me of a case I heard about. A delicate testing owner

wasn't only interested in his wife.

When she dressed like a smoked salmon.

Oh, but she's hard on the vice. Yes, especially when he tried to fillet her.

Who's the patient? She was in here before.

Where is he? Hello?

So, tell us about your sex life.

What?

Your sex life.

Oh, Horschak. Huh?

What is your sex life after there was smoking?

Nothing.

to hear about it.

Well, Shaq, let's leave people's sex lives out of this.

At least until you get one of your own.

Okay, therapy. Let's go. First of all, sight immersion.

Look at this one.

Hi there.

I've been smoking four packs for ten years and I feel perfectly fine.

There is no right and no wrong.

Now, Juan, do you truly wish to give up your disgusting, repulsive smoking

habits? Yes.

Do you think that you can live without the flavor and the aroma of your

blend? Yes. And you will not miss a long, satisfying puff?

This is lunch.

Peanut butter and squid.

Or the pumpernickel.

Hold the pickle, hold the relish.

Yeah, but you can't hold it down.

Now this is lunch.

Pig knuckles on Jewish rye.

With Virgin Island dressing.

just something Julie made. I don't know what it is. I don't know.

Hey, Juan.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey.

Hey, it's been seven days since I had my last cigarette.

You miss cigarettes?

Nah.

I got this pipe.

What do you think?

Frankly, Juan, you look like Sherlock Sheephead.

Juan, look, I'm a little disappointed in you. Mr. Carter, I read that smoking a

pipe is a lot less harmful than smoking cigarettes.

Oh, yeah? Well, where'd you read that?

I think it was Cosmopolitan.

All right, look, Juan.

You've got to make up your own mind. I mean, you're old enough to smoke. If you

want to smoke, that's your business. You can make your own decisions.

What is that?

Fuck.

That's a potato caniche. I thought you kicked the habit.

a while, so what's the big deal?

Well, gentlemen, there's only one thing we can do to help this poor, tortured

creature now.

Smell a virgin!

I'm your teacher, not your ordinary knish junkie.

Look, if you had to eat Julie's tuna casserole twice a week, you'd sneak a

knishes once in a while, too.

All right, look, Epstein, I got a proposition.

I'll give up knishes if you give up smoking. What do you say?

You got a deal.

The Bicentennial Connection

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle who was a famous explorer, a

frontiersman?

You mean he was in all the history books and everything?

Oh, I mean, alongside Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett, you'll find the name of

Hawkeye Cotter.

Yes,

you look at any of your books, he's in all of these books. And Hawkeye Cotter

was famous. In fact, I remember one time, my uncle Hawkeye, this is written

history books. I didn't know about it, but I read about it in history books. He

is riding along on his horse, right?

and he sees a man on the prairie with his ear to the ground.

Well, what would he be doing with his ear to the ground?

My Uncle Hawkeye figures he must be listening to something, so he gets off

horse and puts his ear to the ground. He doesn't hear a thing.

He says, uh, excuse me, partner, but I don't hear a thing.

Guy looks at him, he says, I know, it's been like that all day.

riding and he sees an Indian. This time the Indian's got his ear to the ground,

right? Same as the guy before, okay?

So he says to the Indian, covered wagon, 14,

soldiers, cavalry, woman in covered wagon, have baby,

14 wagon, one blue.

Uncle said, that's amazing.

You can hear them coming?

And he says, no, ran over me half hour ago.

Welcome back.

Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back.

To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.

But those dreams have remained and they've turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya?

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya? Back here where we need ya. Back here where

we need ya. We tease him a lot. Cause we got him on the spot. Welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

We always could spot a friend.

Welcome back.

And I smile when I think how we must have been.

And I know what it seems.